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by Kirsty-Anne Still

  I cannot help but agree with every word spoken. I nod as he speaks, absorbing the truths presented to the masses and the happier memories swirl around me. All those moments when Manuel was the leader, the confidante, the jokester all whirl to life the more I listen to Enzo speak. But it’s short-lived as the sobering moment rings true the more Enzo continues to speak.

  “Manuel’s passing isn’t something any of us will recover from. Physically, we’ll all bounce back, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually we are all going to be feeling his absence for a long time. I’m just sorry that we will never get to see what else Manuel had to offer the world because his time was cut far, far too short.”

  My tears begin their torrent down my face, spiraling across my cheeks, and I barely hear Enzo say I’m giving a few words next. It isn’t until Bruno reaches out to me that I snap out of my breakdown and look up. Bruno nods his head to Enzo, who when I look, waves me up. Finally breaking my connection to Zane, I wipe my face down and I begin to get up, slowly rising to my feet. I approach Enzo as he offers me the space to speak. I nurse my stomach, my healing wounds still wreaking havoc on me and I find my physical weakness is not helping my emotional state. The more pain that ebbs through me, the more I am reminded of that day. As if the pain is a trigger for the memories. Every time I close my eyes in a bid to forget the pain, memories of Manuel begging and pleading with me hit out and the morsel of my heart throbs with agony that I have to do this. I chose to be one of those to serve remembrance to Manuel, but now that I have my opportunity, I find I’m unable to hold it together on my own.

  “Please, stay,” I say to him, my whispered tone a minor beg.

  “Of course, I will,” he whispers back and retreats back to the podium.

  I follow and he steps back allowing me to take the spot he had stood moments earlier. I look out at the sea of people, but ultimately my gaze is drawn back to my father as he sits with tears in his eyes, his shoulders squared, and his gaze set on me. I then look at Carlo and Bruno and watch as they sit with that same grief Enzo and I share. Then there’s Zane; his eyes hold a sadness that I hate, but he’s watching me and offering silent encouragement. It’s with that I take a deep breath and start to speak.

  “My baby brother was the one out of all of us who had an ounce of hope,” I begin, my gaze dropping away from the crowd. One sentence of remembering him is all I can manage before that crushing wave of grief escalates to a tsunami of deep, dark emotion. I begin to speak, slowly raising my gaze to the crowd again. “H-he was kind, compassionate, very much our mother. He was the one who never lost who he was to appease others, no matter how much he worried and fretted over it. He never changed to fit in, never sought approval, never ever caved to the pressures our family had on us all. So it’s with a heavy heart that I stand here today and have to commemorate his life. Manuel was the most beautiful of us all and I can say I am proud to have had him by my side. Regardless of what happened, he only ever loved us. That was unchangeable to my brother.” I drop my gaze once more as my tears begin to fall and I feel a guilt sit on my shoulders. “It sounds insane to say I was always jealous of my brother. I was always jealous of my little brother because he possessed so much greatness that I wished at times I could just take some of it for myself. He was the one who stuck by his values, remained loyal, and kept his heart on lockdown for only those special enough to witness it. I was lucky to know I was loved by him, and I can only hope he knew how much I truly loved him.” I bite my lip and sniffle as I feel the tears creeping with a vengeance. “There really was no sweeter innocence in the madness of our family than Manuel, and I will miss everything he had to offer us. He might have been my baby brother, but he taught me more than I could have ever learned myself. He taught me to love freely, to fight for what I love most, and to never give up.”

  It’s as I say that I choke on a sob. I bow my head, finding I’m unable to continue, but as Enzo’s hand wraps around my own, gripping tight as if to empower me, I know I have to do this. I look up, turning my head to gaze at him with bleary vision, and he gives me an encouraging smile to continue onwards with my eulogy.

  “You can do this, Lia,” he tells me, standing beside me now. “For Manuel.”

  I nod my head, seeking composure in myself. I look back out at the crowd and swallow hard against the lump formed in my throat.

  “I used to wish for so much in my life. Now, I wish only to have my brother back to fill the void left in the Abbiati family. After today, we will never be what we were. We won’t recover from this, but we will continue. Manuel would hate us to give up living. He’d hate us crying over him. He’d be embarrassed by this amount attention on him. But he isn’t here to tell us otherwise.” I don’t hold my tears now, knowing my speech is nearly over. “So after today, we learn to live without him and I know my family will never recover from this. Today marks a huge change for my family. We aren’t the same Abbiati family that has worked under the name of my father. Today shows that we will forever be damaged, but we will still fight for the justice he deserves.” I look over at my brother’s coffin, the top smothered in white flowers, and I take a struggled inhale. “Dormi bene, Fratellino. Ti amo. You’ll be our brightest star in our skies from now on.”

  I say my final goodbye, telling my baby brother to sleep tight and that I will always love him. It may sound cruel to some, but I have to take these measures toward closure or I’ll never leave this bubble I’m cocooned in. I close off from the crowd in front of me as Enzo leads me away from the front of the congregation.

  I numbly sit back down, and Bruno immediately pulls me into his embrace. As I fall against it, I look across to the other side of the church and notice my father watching us. He smiles proudly, giving me a small appreciative smile. I can see he’s a man near the brink of destruction, but I have to tear myself away from him. He is nothing but a poison that will surely end me. He has tainted everything he has touched, and I want no more of it. I used to be an addict to the attention my father would adore me with, but now I never want to feel him near me again. I am relieved of any and all obligation I held for him. There is no indecision anymore. I was a fool to ever think he was worth being my number one choice. It’s now I know that Zane was right – my father will only ruin everything.

  I stay in my brother’s arms, Enzo sitting closer than ever as the service continues and it is announced that we are heading to the cemetery for one last moment of remembrance. It’s the same routine as we had with my mother. We went to the church and had a service and then we followed the coffin to the commentary cemetery where the family took one last walk together before the coffin was put into the Abbiati tomb. My father made sure it was a request that upon all of our deaths, we are put here, but there is no way I want to be buried with a murderer when Giovanni gets what he deserves.

  As I stand and leave, I allow my brothers and Zane to swarm, creating a barrier against my father. The moment the light hits me outside, I know today is almost over.

  ***

  I had to leave.

  Once I saw the doors of the family vault opened, I had to back away from the crowds. I know I should’ve stayed, but I was sickened that with the actuality that we were standing there about to leave our baby brother to spend the rest of eternity in a mausoleum. Realism was a hit I couldn’t handle.

  I walk out of the cemetery, finding myself needing to get some space, but I walk straight into someone. I knew there were people waiting outside to pay their respects while more immediate family stood within the walls of the graveyard, but I thought I had done well to blindly miss random mourners.

  “Sorry,” I say, my tone heavy with tears. I go to step around the stranger, in no mood to converse, but when she copies my steps, I feel an anger rise in me. “Look, lady, I’m in no fucking mood to play these types of games, so move!”

  “That fiery temper was always going to get you into trouble.”

  I should be even more enraged that she’s cracking jokes, but that voice
is far too familiar for me to allow an ugly head to rears itself. I can’t be angry because the girl Enzo broke the heart of to stick by us is here, paying her respects. The girl Enzo will forever love has taken it upon herself to be here and I wish he could miraculous appear by my side, kiss and make up with her. But I know how they ended, how he broke her and himself in the end. She would be gone before I could Enzo. Both he and she couldn’t open old wounds on a day like today, but I cannot stop myself from hoping I can be wrong on this matter.

  “Oh,” I say, finally looking up to meet the face of a past ghost. “Alessandra?” I question, wondering if she’s really here.

  “It’s been a long time,” she says, offering a comforting – albeit uncomfortable – grin. “Sorry, Amelia,” she says to me. “I knew it wasn’t my place to turn up, but when I heard about Manuel, I couldn’t keep away. I didn’t want Enzo to see me so I stuck to the back of the crowd and I was just leaving, but when I saw you, I had to see you.”

  “Y-you don’t have to rush off,” I reply, putting my hand out to touch her arm. “Alessa, Enzo would love to see you.”

  “No, he wouldn’t.” She gives me a sad smile before flashing her crystal blues eyes out to the crowd. “Maybe once before, but too much time has passed. I just had to be here to offer some support.”

  “He still loves you,” I say, breaking her off. “He gave you up to stick with us and make sure you never got caught up in any of this.” I look around, trying to emphasize what I truly mean. “He wanted to save you from a world of horror, but he hurt you both while he did it.”

  “It doesn’t matter what you saw, Lia. He is still the same man who loved me, which tells me he still will feel the same as he did when he broke my heart.” She looks pained by the past, still living in the heartbreak. “Please, don’t tell him I was here. I can’t handle seeing him. I know he’s still has a good support and he looks very much the man he always was. Just don’t tell him I turned up uninvited. I know he told me to never come near you again. He made that really clear to me. I just couldn’t ignore today.”

  “He’s a stupid man,” I mutter under my breath. Finally, I see Enzo in a new light – one I could kill him for!

  “Maybe, but I’m a stupid girl, too.” Alessandra reaches out and pulls me into a hug. She’s getting ready to run, I can tell. As the masses dissipate, she’s more eager to flee. “My number hasn’t changed, Amelia. I miss our chats, so if you need me, I am only a call away.”

  I have no chance to talk her around the resolve she revels in. She releases me and I just end up watching her walk away. I feel as if I could’ve grabbed her and dragged her toward my brother. Made them make up for past mistakes. There is no finer irony than love at a funeral, as it’s a blissful reminder that life continues, but this isn’t meant to be right now. As she disappears out into the crowd, I know that one day I will have to help Enzo and Alessandra find their way back together. Today, however, isn’t that day.

  I turn back, feeling a fresher turmoil thrust through me. I don’t make it two steps forward until I stop again, finding a man in a sharp suit standing before me, watching with elusive green eyes and a small grin on his lips. The more I look at him, the more I see the softness in his face become overwhelming.

  “Grandpa,” I whisper, my voice nothing more than a breath, my eyes watering again. I feel like as much as I’ve lost today, I am gaining. That somehow Manuel is aligning all of our stars to help right the wrongs.

  “I couldn’t stay away, Amelia,” he tells me, that gentle tone he always used to tell me stories with reverberates around me. “You’ve grown into a truly beautiful woman, Dolcezza. I only wish I could’ve seen it happen myself.”

  I say nothing, beguiled by his sudden reappearance. He looks the same, sounds the same, and as I launch myself into his arms, I only pray he feels the same. As arms wrap around me, my own around his neck, I’m overwhelmed that even his cologne hasn’t changed.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” I murmur, nuzzling into his neck. The warm embrace is something I hadn’t quite thought I needed. As I crumple into his arms, he soothes me the way he always would when I awoke from a nightmare or got hurt while in a playful brawl with my brothers. I struggle with the sobs but fight to speak. I remove myself from his arms and step back to look at him. “Thank you for coming back to us.”

  “I’m sorry it’s too late, Bella,” he muses regretfully, reaching out to wipe my tears away.

  “That’s not your fault,” I mutter, my words bitter on my tongue. “How did you know?”

  “Bruno called,” he remarks, dropping his hand away from my tear sodden cheek. “I know about everything. It’s time we looked at a fresh start. I will not allow a man like your father to make the threats anymore. I had always, always thought your safety was worth so much to him, so I never risked it, but after what I’ve learned, I will make up for my ignorance.”

  “Thank you,” I appreciate, looking at him and feeling myself smile for the first time in what feels an eternity. “You came back when we really needed you to.”

  “Gino,” my father’s coarse voice interrupts the moment I have with my grandfather. “It’s been a long time.”

  “Yes, it has,” my grandfather replies, placing a polite smile onto his lips. “By no fault of my own.”

  Gino Romano, a simple business owner who entrusted his daughter and his business deals into the hands of my father and thought he was set for life. However, when my mother was murdered, my father denied my grandfather any more business offers and soon made sure that if he ever came near us again it would jeopardize our own safety – he never knew the truth. My grandfather never knew how his daughter died and had always assumed a malicious source outside of the family threatened his beloved grandchild. He was led to think it was due to him and the dodgy deals he had made before my mother met my father that were the root cause.

  “Lovely service you had for my grandson,” he speaks, disgruntled isn’t even close to the way he speaks. “Shame it came well ahead of his time.”

  My father becomes agitated, putting his hands up as if to not take the blame. His defenses are growing ten feet at a time. “Manuel’s untimely demise is not one of my doing.”

  “Of course not,” my grandfather scoffs. “Much like my daughter’s death you mean?” he asks and laughs at my father, mocking him yet again – much to my father’s dismay. “I know exactly what you did to Tori,” my grandfather remarks. “And I know I will not rest until you’ve felt the same emptiness I have for the past eight years, Salvatore.”

  “Are you threatening me?” my father asks, baffled that a man step up to him like this.

  “I believe I am,” my grandfather quips, a smile on his lips. “Mark my words; I have used the abandonment you offered me well. I know all about you and your transgressions, shall we say. You thought my grandson dying was going to rock your world, you haven’t seen the finale just yet.”

  What’s a funeral without impending doom?

  ***

  There are crowds gathered just outside the door, but we’ve clustered ourselves in a room away from the hubbub. Enzo wanted to talk plans, Bruno agreed, and Carlo wanted to be able to say we were leaving this house soon. Allana was adamant that she and Bruno would find room for us all, but we all kindly declined. As much as I wanted to leave this house and never look back, I knew I would never burden my brother with our decision to leave the only home that was always ours to come back to.

  “I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but waking up in the hospital and learning about Manuel strengthened it.” I take a steadying breath, gearing my nerves to tell them what I’ve been thinking of. “I want out,” I say, unable to give eye contact for the moment. I register the silence and then look up. “I can’t live here anymore. Not with how many memories there are now.”

  “I’m surprised you lasted this long,” Bruno remarks, sitting opposite me. “This house has just been a cesspit for bad blood.”

  “Now it’s comp
letely tarnished,” I utter, feeling guilty for feeling this sudden rush to pack up and run. “I’ve been looking up places to get to as a quick escape. I want nothing more than to leave really.”

  “Can you not wait for all us?” Enzo asks, somewhat brokenly. “None of us want to be here, so we should all look for somewhere together and leave together. Stick together.”

  “And how long will that take, Enzo?” I ask, snappier than I had liked. “How long will it take in order to get out of this because before it wasn’t happening quickly.”

  “It’s simpler now,” Enzo replies soberly.

  “This isn’t simpler,” I mock, laughing. I’m tired, upset, and still reeling from Alessandra’s sudden reappearance. I know I need to tell Enzo, but the possibilities they could offer one another is undoubtedly the greatest loss. While I question what my damaged future with Zane could be like, I see my brother’s with clarity. Uncertainty clouds what I have to offer Zane, but Enzo has everything and he’s wasting it. When I notice just how quiet the room has fallen as a result of my retort, I close my eyes, regret fluttering into every cell of me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, rubbing my forehead. “I just want to get away from everything. I don’t care about anything but getting out. I just want to start fresh, get away and start everything again.”