His eyes widened, and he kissed her hard. “I was afraid I’d pee my pants at first because, hell, did you see what we just did? But having you in my arms made it easier. We made a pretty good team, Holly.”
Yeah, they did. They made the best team.
And when they got to her place later, she’d have to tell him a little more about herself. She was ready, and it was time.
She just didn’t know if she wanted it to push him away, or keep him closer. She just didn’t know…
And that scared her.
By the time they picked up something to eat and got to her place, the adrenaline had worn off but not the need to talk to Brody. Holly didn’t know why she had this urge, other than she knew it was past time she showed him more of herself.
They were sitting on her couch eating the sandwiches they’d picked up from the local deli when Brody looked over at her with a frown.
“What?” she asked, picking at her meal.
“For someone who just went bungee jumping for the first time and apparently loved it, you look a little sad. What’s up, baby?”
She set her food down and turned so she was sitting cross-legged on the couch facing him. “Did you ever think it was weird that I wanted to do all of these things out of the blue?”
Brody set his drink down and turned so he was fully facing her as well. He reached out and took her hand, and she was grateful for it. “Not really, honestly. We all have some points in our lives when we want to do something different or change things. I find it lucky that I was there, being a horrible eavesdropper when you were talking about it.” He grinned, and her heart did that annoying thing where it sped up merely at the sight of him.
She could not afford to fall in love with Brody Deacon.
But damn it, she already had.
Holly pulled her gaze from him and gave her small home a glance. “I’ve lived here without changing much after the initial updates for years. I like the way everything settled down, and how I can pretty much stay here for long periods of time without needing things. You see, I’m not one to leave the house to go dancing, and I’ve never been to a club to drink with my friends.”
Brody winced. “We can change that if you want, but I think I’m getting old since watching late teens and early twenty-somethings writhe to too loud music makes my jaw ache.”
She shook her head, a smile playing on her face. “I don’t want to go clubbing. You’re right, that’s so not me. And though I’ve been doing new things, going out and hurting my ears and subsequently my feet from dancing or standing in heels for too long isn’t really list worthy.”
He squeezed her hand. “Good to know. Now, why don’t you tell me what’s really on your mind, Holly? You can tell me anything.”
“That’s the thing,” she whispered. “I feel like I can, but I’ve never really told anyone this before.” She met his gaze, worried once again that she was making a mistake. “And we’re…well, I don’t know what we are, but going into depth about things like my childhood seems like something pretty serious, and I don’t know if we’re that.”
There. She’d said part of it.
His face tightened a bit, and she wanted to kick herself.
Why did she have to bring up their relationship like that? No good could come from it.
“You can talk to me,” he said slowly, his voice a little hoarse. Apparently, he was going to gloss over the serious relationship part, and frankly, she wasn’t sure if that bothered her or not.
“Okay, then.” She took a deep breath. “So, I’m the good girl.”
He grinned at her then. “Not when I was spanking you last night.”
She blushed and shook her head. “That is not what I’m talking about, and you know it.”
“My mind is usually on sex one way or another. I can’t help it with you in the same room with me.”
She closed her eyes, holding back a laugh. He sure wasn’t making this easy. “So, like I was saying…I’m the good girl. The one that never does anything out of the ordinary. I’m the nice one. The one that doesn’t step on toes. I’m trying to change that, at least the ordinary part. I don’t want to change how nice I am because I’m not going to be a bitch to make other people happy.” She frowned. “That didn’t make any sense.”
He reached over and tugged on her hair. “I get you. Keep going.”
“I never really went out before. I mean, I did some with Jake, but not really.” At Brody’s look, she winced. “Sorry. I know bringing him up is weird because he’s both of our friend, but he was really the first guy I went out with that pushed me a bit. But he didn’t push me enough. Not like you do.”
His eyes darkened. “I push? Because if I’m doing that, I need to know, Holly. I never want to hurt you.”
She shook her head. “I’m doing this all wrong. You push me because I ask to be pushed. You show me what I’ve missed all this time hiding behind my sweaters and books. I’ve always loved who I am because of what I’ve accomplished, Brody. I’ve loved me because I was the one that had to do everything on my own. I didn’t have anyone else to rely on. And because of that, I turned into someone with all these shields around me, so many that I forgot how to have fun. How to live. You’ve shown me so much since we first met, and I’m always going to be grateful for that. Because during all of that, you never once tried to change me. You let me be me.”
“That’s what you wanted, Holly. I’m not going to change you. I like the way you are. And since I’m me and thinking about sex even now, I like you in those cardigans. The buttons are hot as hell to undo when you’re biting your lip like you are right now.”
She snorted, a laugh threatening to escape. “You’re horrible, you know that?”
Brody shrugged. “You like it.”
“Yeah, I do.” She loved it. But this wasn’t the time to mention that. “Anyway, there’s a reason I’m like this, or I was like that.”
He didn’t say anything, so she continued.
“My mom got sick when I was a child. It wasn’t cancer, but it was a lung infection that got really bad for a while. She eventually got healthy, but she wasn’t the same. I think she got used to me being around to take care of her, and never wanted that to change. So from the time I was seven until I turned eighteen and moved away to go to college on scholarships I applied for myself, I was at her beck and call. Anything she needed, I was there for her. Any time she felt like she was going to get sick again, it was this whole thing where I had to stay home from school and care for her. I took her to doctor after doctor, who said that she was healthy, but she refused to believe them. I lost what few friends I had when I was a child because I could never see them, and I almost had to stay back in school a year because I had missed so much. Thankfully, I was getting good enough grades that somehow I slid through and graduated with honors, but it was close.”
Brody frowned. “What about your dad through all of this? You never mentioned him.”
She sighed. “My dad was around to pay the bills and to eat the dinner I made for him every night. But that’s it. They didn’t sleep in the same bed because Mom needed extra care, and Dad needed sleep. If Mom felt like she might be getting sick at night, I was the one to wake up and deal with it. My dad pretty much ignored me for that decade of my life, and frankly, he ignores me now. I think they’re still living in the same house because I send a Christmas card to them every year and it doesn’t get returned, but that’s all I know. I left to go to college and never went back. It was the only way I could look at myself in the mirror every morning. I had become a shadow of myself, and I didn’t like that person.”
Brody reached out and cupped her face. “I want to find your parents and slap some sense into them, but that won’t help anything. I’m glad you found a way to escape, but hell, that was not a way to grow up.”
She shrugged. “It was what it was, and I got out. But I was so determined to go to school and get my degree and then my certification that I never really stopped being th
at shadow. I worked to pay for everything so I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone, and I eventually got a job that helped me pay for this place, but throughout it all, I stayed away from everyone else. It’s only been in the past few years that I’ve actually started to have friends.” She winced. “I know that sounds weird, but that’s me. Weird Holly Rose.”
He shook his head and frowned. “There’s nothing weird about you, Holly.”
But there was something odd in his tone. She couldn’t tell what it was, but when he smiled at her, it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He held her soon after, and she felt his heart under her ear, and yet he didn’t speak again about what she’d told him that night.
They didn’t make love that night either.
He didn’t sleep over.
Instead, he kissed her softly before saying he needed to head home to go to work the next day since he was on an early shift. She let him go because he’d mentioned that before, but had thought he’d do what he always did and sleep over anyway.
It didn’t make any sense…or it shouldn’t have.
She’d told him more about herself, tried to get a little closer to him, and he’d run away.
Maybe she’d been right, maybe she’d made a mistake in talking to him about things other than her list.
She’d fallen for Brody, but she was so afraid he hadn’t fallen for her.
And he never would.
Chapter Eight
Brody was a fool. He knew this more than anyone, and yet, every time he did something as monumentally stupid as he’d done the night before, he surprised himself with the level of his foolishness.
He’d fucking left her after she’d told him all about her past. She’d needed him, and he’d run away like a coward. Not only did he want to find her parents and knock some sense into them for daring to hurt her, but he also needed to do it to himself.
“What’s up with you?” Derek asked as he walked into Taboo. Brody had been sitting in the café, looking at his coffee as it cooled, and trying to think of what to say when he saw Holly next.
“I’m an idiot.”
Derek slid into the booth across from Brody and nodded. “Well, yeah. You’re a man in a relationship with a woman far better than you. So, yeah, you’re an idiot.”
Brody looked around the café for children, didn’t spot any, and flipped off his friend. “She is better than me, but thanks for saying it.”
Derek shrugged and picked the uneaten cheese Danish off Brody’s plate. He gestured with it, and Brody waved him off. The other man grinned and bit in, his eyes going unfocused. Yeah, the food here was that good, but Brody hadn’t been able to stomach anything with his mind going in a thousand different directions.
“I’d marry Hailey for her baked goods alone,” Derek crooned.
Brody raised a brow. “And Sloane would kill you with one hand tied behind his back. Dude’s a freaking tank.”
“That he is. I’m surprised he didn’t maim you when you asked Hailey out.”
Brody narrowed his eyes. “Hey, they weren’t dating at the time. In fact, I prompted Sloane to go to her and ask her out. In essence, I brought those two together.”
Derek sighed. “Yeah, and we all actually believe that. So, tell me this, oh wise one, if you can believe in them enough and their relationship to push them together, why are you sitting here alone pouting into cold coffee and not with your woman right now?”
Because Sloane and Hailey aren’t me.
He didn’t say that, of course. How could he? Derek wouldn’t understand, and Brody was having a hard time understanding himself these days. That’s the problem with relationships. They fucked things up for everyone involved, and in the end, people got hurt. People died.
“You going to answer me? Or is your coffee telling you sweet nothings or the secrets of the universe?”
Brody snorted. “Hailey’s coffee isn’t that good.”
Derek winced and looked around quickly. “Are you crazy? You can’t say that so loudly here. She might look sweet, but she has a mean right hook.”
Brody looked up at the other man and frowned. “I’m fucking things up.”
Derek’s eyes filled with sympathy. “If you’re here and not with Holly on your time off, then yeah, you’re fucking things up. But, dude? You know how the entire Montgomery and Gallagher clans threatened to kill you if you hurt her? I’m not exactly one of them.”
At that reminder, Brody winced. “So you’re not going to kill me if I hurt her?” Or maybe he should have said when.
“Oh, I will kill you, but after I make sure you’re okay. I’m your friend, Brody. I know you’re the guy that knows everyone, but you push us all a safe distance away. That’s fine if that’s how you want to live, but maybe you should try something different. Maybe you should learn to rely on someone. And while I’m here for you, I think Holly should be the first person you rely on. Not me.”
Brody shook his head. “I don’t want to hurt her, man.”
“Then don’t.”
“It’s easy for you to say; you’re single.” Brody cursed as he caught the hurt in Derek’s eyes before the other man blinked it away. “Shit. I’m sorry, man.”
Derek waved it off. “It is easy for me to tell you not to hurt her because I have nothing to do with it. But that doesn’t make what I’m saying any less true. If you want to pursue things with her, do it, but know you might have to open up to her more than you have. You might have to tell her those secrets you hide from everyone. The ones we all know are there.”
Brody straightened. “What do you mean?”
Derek just shook his head. “We know you, buddy, but we don’t know you. You won’t let us. And no, we don’t have conversations about you behind your back, but it’s a feeling I get anyway. Okay? So if you want to be with Holly, then you need to be more than the smiling and happy Brody. Show her you mean it. Romance her. Be hers. Don’t fuck it up because you’re scared. Because being scared is okay, man. We all are. Just don’t let that fear be all you are. Holly deserves more than that and so do you.”
And with that, Derek knocked his knuckles on the table as he stood up to leave. Brody watched the other man go, wondering once again how Derek seemed to know so much yet reveal so little.
With a sigh, Brody got up and left a tip on the table. He’d already tipped Hailey at the register, but he’d taken up the space for so long it was needed. As he drove to Holly’s house, he did his best to keep his thoughts in check. The two of them weren’t serious, though they’d talked about serious things. They hadn’t planned on things past the list, and yet he had a feeling if he weren’t careful, he’d end up in a situation he couldn’t handle. He’d been fine on his own all this time, and that couldn’t change. He wouldn’t let it. He’d help Holly with her list because he wanted to, and then he’d walk away before anyone got hurt.
That was the best for everyone.
When he pulled up to her cottage, he figured he’d lied to himself enough to get through this. She opened the door on the first knock and frowned at him.
“I didn’t know you were coming by.” Her voice wasn’t angry or hurt, just confused.
He really was an asshole.
“I left early yesterday and wanted to see you.” That much was the truth.
“Oh,” she said as she stepped aside to let him in. “I was just finishing working out and was about to jump in the shower.”
He looked up and down her body, his mouth watering at the sight of the sweat rolling between her breasts and her tight workout outfit molding to every curve. He reached out and gripped her hip. “I like these pants,” he said roughly. “They hug you just right.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m glad you think so.” She reached up and kissed his chin, and he lowered his head so he could take her lips. It was a quick kiss, but it was so filled with heat, he had to back away before he did something stupid.
Like, throw her down on the floor to rut like some animal.
“Did you want some
thing to eat while I shower?” she asked, and he shook his head.
“I’m sorry for leaving like I did,” he blurted. Hell, he hadn’t meant to say that.
She froze. “It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not. You opened yourself up and I left. I’m sorry.”
She wrapped her arms around her waist even as he slid his hands over her shoulders. “I get it.”
“But you shouldn’t.” He sighed and backed away. He couldn’t touch her and think. “I don’t do well in relationships, Holly. I never have.”
She tilted her head. “Then what are we doing?”
He ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know. That’s the problem.”
She raised her chin. “The door is right behind you if it’s such a problem.”
He cursed under his breath and shook his head. “Fuck. I’m doing this all wrong.”
“Yeah, I think you are.”
He loved it when she stood up for herself and spoke her mind, but right then, he wanted to shake some sense into both of them. “I’ve never loved anyone, Holly. Not since I was a kid. I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t think I can.”
Her face paled. “Good to know.” Her voice had gone hollow, and he wanted to hold her, but he knew it would be the worst thing he could do.
He took a deep breath and told her the one thing he’d never told another soul. “My sister died when I was a kid, and it was my fault.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
She reached out for him, but he took a step back. Once again, he ignored the hurt and confusion on her face. He had to, or he’d break.
He couldn’t break.
“I was eleven and supposed to be watching my sister. Our house in Texas was one of the lucky ones with a pool. My parents were inside, yelling at each other and throwing things like usual. They told me to take Sarah outside, and I did. But I was tired of watching her since that was all I did that summer so I took my Game Boy with me. She was splashing around and doing her thing, and since she was a decent swimmer, I wasn’t paying attention.”
1001 Dark Nights: Bundle Fourteen Page 26
