Holly put her hands on his arms, and he let out a breath. He hadn’t realized he’d crossed them over his chest, blocking himself off from the world. From her.
“She dove into the deep end like she always did, but, apparently, she did it wrong.”
Bile filled his throat, and he did his best to not throw up right then and there.
“Oh, Brody…” Holly whispered.
“She didn’t die right away according to the doctors. She took a while to drown, even though she couldn’t move. I wasn’t supposed to hear that part, but I’d never been good at following directions. Maybe if I had, my sister would be alive.”
“It’s not your fault. You were a child, Brody. Accidents happen, and your parents should have been watching her as well.”
He shook his head, anger and self-hatred filling him like it always did when he thought about Sarah. “She was my responsibility. My parents said so.” He clenched his jaw at the memories, the accusations, the beatings. He’d deserved all of it, even the scars on his back from the belt his father had used on him time and time again. Holly had felt them, of course, but she’d never asked about them. He’d never tell her either. He couldn’t.
“Your parents shouldn’t have said that,” Holly bit out, tears sliding down her cheeks.
He couldn’t take her tears, couldn’t take much of anything. “My parents kept fighting until my mom ran out of the desire to do anything. She killed herself eight months after Sarah died. Drank too much and mixed it with a bottle of pills the doctor had given her to keep her sedated from the shock. Dad blamed me for that, too, and didn’t really speak to me after that.” There was no need. The beatings and glares had been enough by then.
Holly was openly crying then and leaned into him. “None of this was your fault, Brody. None of it. What happened was a tragedy, but you can’t bear the burden of all of it. It’ll eat you from the inside out. It’s already doing so.”
He shook his head. She didn’t understand. “I lost my sister because I failed. My mom died because I failed. My dad is a ruthless bastard that I don’t talk to because I failed. I’m not good at being there for anyone, Holly. That’s why I’m that guy with all the friends but who no one really knows. Because I’m not a guy anyone really needs. I’m not a guy anyone can love, can be with.” She opened her mouth to say something, but he cut her off. “I’m never going to love anyone, Holly. I can’t. I’m broken. Everyone I love dies, and I won’t go through that again. Ever.”
She pressed her lips together and shook her head. “Well, that sucks for both of us because I love you.”
He took a step back and lowered his arms, his heart beating out of control. “Take it back. You can’t. You can’t love me. I refuse to let you get hurt. You’re just mistaken because we’ve been doing so many high-adrenaline things. You just think you love me, but you can’t.”
She gave a hollow laugh. “You can’t tell me how to feel, Brody. I love you for you, not because you took me bungee jumping or fed me tacos. That’s part of it, of course, because you give yourself to everyone. Except for the most important parts of you.”
His body went numb, and he tried to think of a way out of this that wouldn’t hurt her, only he couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. So he did the one thing he knew would keep her away, keep her safe.
“I don’t love you, Holly. I can’t.”
She raised her chin. “You won’t.”
He paused. “I won’t,” he whispered.
She wasn’t crying now, and he didn’t know if that hurt more or less. He couldn’t feel anything. “Then you’d better get out because I don’t really want to look at you right now. I deserve more than this. But you know what, Brody? You deserve a hell of a lot more than this, too.”
And with that, he gave her one last look before leaving her alone in her home, the place she’d made for herself when she’d had nothing.
He’d hurt her, he’d lost her, and now, he’d lost a part of himself as well.
He’d done the one thing he shouldn’t have done—he’d fallen in love with Holly Rose.
Only he couldn’t do anything about it and still keep her safe.
Derek’s words swirled around in his head, and he was afraid he’d just made a horrible mistake. But it was too late. He’d left her crying and icy, and he couldn’t go back…
So now, Brody was alone.
Again.
The only way he knew how to live.
Chapter Nine
Holly wasn’t sure if she was angry, hurt, scared, or numb. It all came and went in waves, but she was still breathing so that had to count for something. She’d cried for Brody when he’d told her his story, but she hadn’t cried for him when he’d been so callous. Hadn’t cried for him when he’d left.
And she hadn’t cried for herself.
Maybe that was the numbness settling in.
So maybe that’s why she’d gone off the deep end and was now at the side of a river, her helmet on and a life vest strapped to her chest. Brody had made the plans for them to go white water rafting today, and she hadn’t canceled, nor had she messaged Brody about it.
This was one of the last things on her original list, and she refused to let the hurt inside her fester enough that she lost sight of why she’d fallen in love with the darn man in the first place. The only thing that was left on her list after this was getting a tattoo, and now she finally had an idea of what she wanted.
A single rose for her last name and so she’d remember that each petal stood for something she’d fought for, and perhaps, something she’d lost.
She’d thought of the idea after Brody had left the first time, and had wanted to talk to him about it before he’d walked out of her life forever. Now, she was kind of happy she hadn’t told him so he couldn’t ruin that as well.
There was nothing like getting your love thrown back in your face, no matter how hard you tried to not let it break you down.
Maybe if she was a different person, she’d have tried to find another way to make him see her, to help him heal, but she’d spent her entire childhood and high school years doing that for other people, and she’d promised herself she’d never do it again.
Not even for the man she loved.
Because he didn’t love her back.
And no matter what she said, what she did, those facts would never change.
So here she was, about to go down the beginner’s course of a river and trying not to break down and cry. Brody should have been by her side; he should have been there to help her cross the last two things off her list.
Then he should have been by her side when she made her second list.
Or even a list she could share with him and him alone.
But he wasn’t, and she needed to get over it. She rolled her shoulders back and made her way to the others. They’d gone through the training, and now she was ready to get this over with. Not the best outlook when it came to her adventure-filled list, but she wasn’t the same woman she was when she’d started the darn thing, and there was no going back now.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
She turned on her heel, her heart in her throat. “What are you doing here?”
Brody had his hands in the pockets of his shorts, his life vest securely buckled, and a helmet on his head. “It was on your list, and we scheduled this together, remember? I’m certified and went through their training already. Sorry I’m late, though; I had to pick up something.”
She raised her chin, annoyed with herself for liking the fact that he was here even for a moment. He’d hurt her, darn it, and he didn’t deserve anything from her. Not anymore.
“You left and were pretty clear about why you were going. Do you think you’re just going to walk back into my life and start up where we were before? Because I don’t think so.”
A crowd was gathering around them but she ignored it. She was done being the sweet and happy Holly. Done. Brody could go fuck himself for all she cared.
&n
bsp; Not that she said that, but she was sure thinking it.
“I…I want to explain.” He didn’t give her that dimple of his that let him get away with so much, and she was glad for it.
“You explained enough yesterday.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Okay, crew, we’re ready to head out. Get in position.”
Holly glared at Brody as their guide called out instructions, and she huffed out a breath when the guy said Brody’s name.
“And I take it if you stay behind, it screws up the whole trip.”
Brody winced. “There’s the weight issue to think of.”
She growled, and his eyes widened. Good. He should be scared, or at least surprised. “Fine.”
She stomped off to her side and took the paddle, going over the instructions she’d been given in her head and firmly placing Brody out of the way in her mind. Why was he here? It didn’t make any sense. He’d said he wanted to explain, and now he was here, about to join in on one of the last things on her list. The list that should have made her feel better about herself, and instead, would only remind her of Brody and the fact that he didn’t love her.
Another slice of pain echoed in her heart, but she ignored it.
She needed to get her head in the game. Not only was her safety and well-being on the line, but so were the lives of the people in her raft. She couldn’t be thinking about Brody when she needed to worry about the dangers in front of her.
And if she’d thought about that before she’d fallen in love with him, maybe it wouldn’t hurt this much.
Only she couldn’t control her heart, that much she knew.
Damn it.
Once again, she raised her chin and settled into the boat, oar in hand. She was in the middle on the left-hand side, while Brody was out in front and diagonal to her. That meant throughout the entire thing, she’d be able to see him work, see the way his muscles moved, and just see him.
Well, crap.
Before she could pull her gaze away from him, however, they were off. Her body was on fire, but in the best way, since she’d never felt anything like this. She bounced and moved with the water, doing her best to keep up, though she wasn’t as strong as anyone else in the boat. They weren’t going down crazy rapids today, but they would be doing the slow ones eventually. Water splashed at her as they hit a wave, and she laughed, enjoying herself.
When they turned a hard left, Brody looked over at her and winked. She smiled back because she couldn’t help it. It was exhilarating to go with the flow of the river but still try to have some semblance of control. Her guide knew what he was doing, and she was grateful.
“We’re coming up on the small rapids, so hold tight,” the man behind her yelled out over the sound of water rushing over rock. “You can do this!”
Only she wasn’t sure they could. Though it was a small rapid, they were now going far faster than they had been before. She paddled with the others, doing her best to ride it out, but now the fear that she’d tried to ignore outweighed the adrenaline coursing through her body.
“Heather, Anton, veer left!” the guide, Sam, called behind them.
Only the two people in front of her either mixed up their directions or they weren’t strong enough for the current. She screamed as the boat slammed into the rock ahead of them, her teeth jarring within her head.
She called out, heard Brody’s voice in her head as he yelled for her…then it all went blank.
Water rushed over her head as the boat flipped and she was forced underwater. She’d lost the oar, but she kicked upward, at least she hoped it was upward. Between her kick and the life vest, she breached the top of the water and took a gasping breath, trying to stop the burning in her lungs and take in her surroundings.
The bright red colors of the vests and yellow helmets met her gaze first, and she almost sighed when she realized she could count all eight people from the raft. No one was underwater, but that didn’t mean anyone was truly safe yet.
She tried to swim to shore, but the current was so strong she was having trouble even moving her arms. The vest and her jacket underneath were uncomfortable, and each time a wave hit her, she was sucked under, but she kept coming right back up. The lot of them were moving too far down the river and far too fast. She just prayed everyone would get out safely. Somehow, she’d so far avoided slamming into rocks, but when Heather hit one in front of her, Holly wasn’t sure if the loud snap she heard was the impact of the other woman hitting or a bone breaking.
Somehow, she reached Sam first, and the guide tugged on her arm, pulling her toward him. “Get to the shore!” he yelled. “Swim as hard as you can. Soon, you’ll be able to touch bottom. These rapids won’t last for much longer. I promise.”
She nodded, her voice too raw to say actual words, and kicked out her legs, doing her best to get to shore. Brody was about four feet in front of her, his face pale and blood oozing from a cut on his temple.
Shock slammed into her again, and she turned to swim to him. He looked over and cursed, going against the current somehow to make it to her side in five quick strokes.
He gripped her to him and forced her to change directions. “Damn it. Swim to the shore.”
She kicked again and wrapped an arm around his side. “Together. We do this together.”
He gave her a fierce look. “Together.”
Somehow, they made it to the shore as a unit, their legs tangled, their bodies heaving. They lay on the pebbled rocks, cold, sweaty, and definitely in some form of shock.
Holly reached up to Brody’s temple. “You’re blee-eeding.” Her teeth were chattering so hard, she was surprised she could even get the words out.
“I’m fine,” Brody grunted and forced himself to sit up. He pulled her so she was in his lap, and he was hugging her tightly. “I was so fucking scared, baby. I’m going to close my eyes, and I’m always going to see you go under like you did. I never want to picture that again, but damn it, it’s all I see.”
She twisted in his hold, aware the others were getting out of the river around them, checking each other for wounds as Sam made a call on his waterproof emergency radio for help.
“I was so scared I was going to lose you,” she whispered. “But you’re bleeding, Brody. What happened?”
She looked around for something to press against his temple but couldn’t find anything. It didn’t look that bad now that she got a closer look, but head wounds always bled copiously.
“I hit a rock,” he said with a groan. “I think I bruised a rib or two in the process.”
Her eyes widened, and she tried to wiggle away. He let out a harsh breath and tugged her closer.
“Don’t move. You’ll jostle me.”
“Then I shouldn’t be on your lap at all.”
He opened his eyes to meet hers. “I need to know you’re okay, Holly. I need you in my arms. I can ignore my ribs for now as long as I know you’re here.”
She stayed still, but worry and fear webbed their way around her heart. “I’m hurting you.”
He winced but reached out to cup her face. “No, you aren’t. The rock hurt me. I’m just so fucking glad you’re alive, baby. I don’t know what I would have done if you had gotten hurt. You’re okay, right? Nothing aching?”
Just her heart.
Tears slid down her face as the others worked around them, talking, making sure everyone was okay, but she only had eyes for Brody.
“I almost lost you,” she whispered. She’d been so angry with him, but now it felt all wrong.
“You didn’t,” he croaked. “But I could have lost you because I’m a fucking idiot. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I shouldn’t have destroyed what we could have because I couldn’t face myself. I lied, Holly. I lied, and I hurt both of us in the process.”
She swallowed hard. “What do you mean?”
“I love you, Holly Rose. I love you so fucking much. I was so scared to hurt you or let anyone close that I ignored the fact that you were al
ready as close as you could possibly get. I love you. I want you in my life and in everything else that’s part of me. I want to make more lists with you and find out what else we can do together. Forgive me, baby. Forgive me for acting like an asshole with his head buried in the sand. Please tell me you still love me. Please don’t walk away like I did to you.”
Tears were flowing freely as she pressed her fingers to his lips. “This isn’t the shock of the accident talking, is it?” She wasn’t sure if she could bear it if it were.
He kissed the tips of her fingers, and she lowered her hand. “I came here today to tell you all of that. I just didn’t expect to almost lose you to water before I did.”
She hadn’t made the connection, and now she was breaking for him all over again. Oh, hell, this must be killing him, but if what he said were true, then he’d come down to the river for her, and had wanted to say all of this before the accident.
So she did the only thing she could do.
She took that risk.
Jumped off that bridge.
Fell once more.
“I love you, too. I’ll always love you, Brody.”
“Always,” he whispered.
The EMTs came over at that moment, and she got off his lap. “Hey,” he called out, gripping her hand. “Unzip my pocket, I have a present for you.”
One of the EMTs snorted, and Holly laughed. “What did I tell you about your lines? You need to work on them.”
Brody laughed and then coughed. “Ouch. Okay. Laughing isn’t good right now.”
The EMT who hadn’t made a sound before shook his head. “Pretty sure you bruised a rib, but you get to take an ambulance ride to make sure it’s not broken.”
“Yay,” Brody said dryly.
She pressed her lips together, worry for him washing through her. “Brody.”
“I’m going to be fine,” Brody explained. “Can she ride with me?”
The EMTs looked at one another and nodded. “Yeah. We’re going to check everyone out just in case, but she can ride with you.”
“Good, now check my pocket, baby. I promise it’s something you want.” He winked, despite the pain she saw in his eyes. “And not that.”
1001 Dark Nights: Bundle Fourteen Page 27
