Love Always, Kate

by D. Nichole King

  Just before he left the room, I asked, “What room is he in?”

  Hesitantly, Dr. Lowell turned around. “He has to sleep it off. It’ll be another day.”

  He walked out before I could ask anything else.

  ~*~

  I was dressed and sitting cross-legged on the bed when my mother came in. She said nothing when she saw me; she just walked over and took me into her arms. Her tears dripped down the back of my neck.

  “There’ll be other guys.” She held me tighter.

  I struggled to pull away and jumped to my feet. “What do you mean? Other guys?”

  Mom wiped the moisture from her cheeks. “We liked Damian, too, sweetie. This surprised us all.”

  “What are you talking about? Is he…dead?”

  “Oh, no, honey.” She shook her head. “No, I didn’t mean it like that.”

  I glared at her.

  “I’m saying he was—is—a little rough around the edges, but I never pegged him as an alcoholic. Did he ever try to get you to take—”

  “MOM!” I stepped away from her, shaking my head. “He messed up. That’s all.”

  “Calm down, Katie. Guys like that—”

  “Damian needs me. I’m not dumping him.”

  Mom’s eyes drifted around the room and back to me. “We can discuss this at home.” Her tone, however, said This is over.

  Stiffly, she rose to her feet and flung my bag over her shoulder. Without saying another word, she crossed to the door, expecting me to follow. I did, but stayed ten feet behind.

  Out in the hallway, Leslie’s gaze followed me past the nurses’ station. I jerked my head to the side at her. Slowing my pace to the elevator, Leslie caught up to me.

  “What room is Damian in?” I whispered, keeping a keen eye on my mother ahead of me.

  “Katie.” Leslie shook her head.

  “Please,” I begged, tired of everyone blocking me. “I just want to peek in on him. That’s all.”

  Leslie hesitated, glancing around the corridor. “Two-twelve, but you didn’t hear it from me.”

  “Thank you,” I mouthed.

  Leslie patted my shoulder and ducked into a room to check on a patient.

  I followed Mom into the elevator and stood with my hands on my hips. It stopped on the second floor then proceeded down to ground level. We filed out, and when Mom and I reached the automatic doors leading out into the chilly winter afternoon, I paused.

  “Crap! I forgot my diary in the drawer upstairs.” I hated depending on my acting skills; they were mediocre at best. I threw my arms out to the sides and slapped my forehead with my right hand.

  Please buy it, Mom.

  My mother’s lips disappeared as she curled them in her mouth. “I guess we’ll have to go back up and get it,” she finally said.

  “I’ll go. You bring up the car.” The words came out fast. Too fast.

  Mom’s eyes narrowed.

  Smile like you’re telling the truth.

  I grinned. “Uh, I mean, it would be nice if the car was warm, as chilly as it is outside. I don’t want to catch a cold. ‘Cause that would suck.” I stared at her, waiting.

  Yes?

  “Go get your diary and come right back down. Absolutely no detours.” The tone in her voice meant business.

  I nodded. “Of course. I’ll be right back.”

  Before she had a chance to change her mind, I spun around and rushed off to the elevators. Inside, instead of pushing three, I followed the other patrons onto the second floor.

  I noticed the number signs on the wall and started in the direction of room 212. Loud voices echoed through the hall and made my heart skip. I knew those voices. I hesitated. Taking a few steps closer to Damian’s room, I leaned against the wall outside his door.

  “How do you expect to help her like this, Damian?” Dr. Lowell’s voice was harsh. “You say you care about her, then prove it!”

  “I fucked up, okay?” Damian retorted.

  “I thought things were getting better with you.”

  “Yeah, well, I thought she was getting better, too. I guess we all make mistakes.”

  “I’m doing everything I can!” Dr. Lowell enunciated each word.

  I heard something crash against a wall as Damian shouted. “Then do more, damnit!”

  “There is nothing more I can do.”

  “Why can’t you do a transplant? She’s on the fucking list!”

  “It doesn’t work that way, son.” Dr. Lowell’s voice lowered. He paused a few seconds, and I heard a chair screech against the floor. “There has to be a donor that matches her HLA.”

  “Test me. I’ll do it.”

  “No.”

  “Why the hell not?” The anger in Damian’s tone began to rise again.

  “Look at you! You think the garbage floating around in your body is going to help her? It would probably kill her!”

  “The cancer’s already killing her!” he roared.

  I squeezed my eyes closed, pain radiating in my stomach. A lump formed in my throat. I couldn’t force it down.

  “Clean yourself up, and I’ll be happy to run your sample,” Dr. Lowell yelled. Thick silence ascended on Damian’s room. Then in a quieter tone, he added, “She has time, son.”

  “How much? And don’t feed me any of that candy-coated shit you force on your patients.”

  “I can’t, doctor-patient—”

  “Fuck the doctor-patient confidentiality bullshit! I love her!”

  I choked. Did he just say what I thought he said? If he falls for you…I should have been elated to hear his admission. Instead, I slid down the wall with my back pressed against it and buried my face in my arms.

  Dr. Lowell spoke next, calmly and carefully. “This is nothing you don’t already know. She’s getting headaches because the leukemia has spread to her spinal cord. Chemotherapy is no longer effective for her. She has a choice right now. We can do a lower dosage with hopes that it will slow down the progression. It will buy some time until a compatible donor can be found. Or we can keep her comfortable and still hope for a donor.”

  Silence filled the room and cascaded down the corridor. I held my breath.

  “What did she choose?” His voice shook.

  “I think you should ask her, son.”

  Again the room was silent for a few moments when Damian spoke again.

  “Please. I’m begging you. As my father, how long does she have?”

  Dr. Lowell sighed. “A few months at most.”

  Chapter 18

  I picked myself off the floor and ran down the stairwell, fighting the oncoming tears. Mom was waiting for me at the entrance. Opening the door, I slid into the car without looking at her.

  “Where’s your diary?”

  I chewed the inside of my cheek, peering at the hospital through the blur. “I didn’t bring it.”

  All I wanted was to go home and pour my heart out into my diary. Keeping everything inside ate at me the whole ride back. I didn’t say anything, and my mother didn’t press me. She seemed to be in her own world as well.

  I dashed out of the car as soon as it came to a stop in the driveway. I didn’t even grab my bag.

  My mom hollered something at me, but I didn’t hear her. I raced up to my room and slammed the door behind me. Flinging myself on my bed, the tears overflowed. I’m not sure when they ran dry.

  I crawled over my bed and reached for the drawer on my nightstand. Fumbling inside for my diary, my hand glided over something smooth and soft, different from the cardboard cover I expected. I stopped. Air caught in my throat, and I lifted out the brown leather book. My jaw trembled as I stared at it.

  As if in a dream, I scooted off my bed and floated over to the window seat, tracing my fingers over the cover of Damian’s journal.

  It was too personal to read. But, after all we’d been through, after hearing him say he loved me, I had to know.

  Covering my legs with a blanket, I opened the journal to the first page. Inside
the front cover, Damian had scrawled For Liam. I miss you, big brother.

  I took a deep breath and turned the page.

  November 16

  I’m giving this a shot because Kate says it works. What the hell, maybe it’ll work for me too? Can’t be worse than going to Dr. Stuck-up-his-ass every goddamn week.

  Kate’s a girl I met at the hospital. She’s beautiful, but she’s got leukemia. She acts like it’s a normal part of life, though, like going to school. I wish I were that brave. Dad diagnosed her when she was eleven.

  Yeah, there’s something about her.

  We ate in the cafeteria today. She’s a golfer. Figures, huh? I chickened out of telling her about you, Liam. I don’t want her to feel sorry for me. I hate the memories and how they make me feel. Shit, I’d give anything to have you back!

  You’d have kicked my ass if you knew that I walked out on her today. I would’ve deserved it—I was a fucking coward.

  When I came back, she was staring at the hair that had fallen out of her head. I thought she was going to cry. She should just shave it all off in one day.

  Yeah, that’s at least something I can do for her. What do you think, Liam? Maybe I learned something from my big brother.

  My breath caught in my throat. He’d written this because of me.

  Something fell out of Damian’s journal, landing with a small thud on my lap. Sitting on top of the blanket laid a small bag with a lock of auburn hair inside. I picked it up, examining it.

  It was mine.

  November 18

  I wasn’t sure if Kate would think it was a good idea. I thought of what you would do, Liam. So I didn’t tell her. I led her to an empty room and took out the clippers. Made it all dramatic. Unlike at the cafeteria, though, she cried, and it freaking hurt, man!

  I can’t describe the gleam in her eye. Well, yeah, I can. It’s the same look Ellie used to give you. The one that said how amazing she thought you were.

  I lost it in there with her, Liam. With Kate—I don’t know, man. She’s just different. It was so hard to let her go today. I didn’t want to stop kissing her. I wanted to take her right there on the bathroom floor while she was hooked up to the IV. If she were anyone else, I would have. But she’s sick, Liam.

  Fuck it. I’m calling Ellie tonight. Where the hell did I put the vodka?

  November 19

  Ellie was fucking amazing as usual, but it didn’t work. Every time I kissed her, I thought about how Kate tasted better. When I undressed Ellie, I was back in the hospital bathroom with Kate, pulling her to the floor. Ellie did everything right. Sorry, dude, but your girlfriend moves like an acrobat. So freaking good. I tried to concentrate on her. Really, I just wanted to get lost in her body. But when I sat Ellie on top of me, pushing her hips into me, all I could imagine was the look in Kate’s eyes after I’d kissed her.

  What the hell is this chick doing to me?

  I sent Ellie home afterward. Having her here just messes with my head. Can you believe it, Liam? I think I’m feeling guilty. I’m screwing your girlfriend but picturing Kate. I can’t get her out of my mind.

  And I don’t think I want to.

  November 20

  God! What did I do? Dad pissed me off as usual, so I took it out on him at the hospital. Kate was there. She fucking wasn’t supposed to be there! God, the way she looked at me. I frightened her, man.

  And then I really fucked up. Why did I ask her to come inside? I knew she’d do it! She wanted to help me. Comfort me. And what did I do? Liam, I treated her like shit. Fucking assaulted her! She’ll probably never talk to me again.

  I sent her a text. It was as lame as they get, and she didn’t reply.

  She gets me. Like REALLY gets me. In some twisted way, she understands. Kate doesn’t expect me to be you. And now I’ve ruined it.

  November 21

  Ellie stayed over last night. Honestly, I don’t even remember it. I can only think about Kate and what I did to her. Maybe I should call her and make sure she’s okay.

  Ellie’s words keep repeating in my head. “Oh, that’s where I left that bra.”

  I’m a fucking idiot. Kate probably saw it. No wonder she didn’t answer my text.

  And I’m pretty sure I pissed your girlfriend off too. She usually joins me in the shower in the morning for a quickie, but today, I locked the door on her. I needed to be by myself. She was gone when I came out, thank God. She took all of her clothes this time.

  We’re setting off to Grandma & Grandpa Lowell’s today, as usual, for Thanksgiving. I won’t even get to see Kate this week.

  November 22

  That was the best 6-hour drive to South Dakota ever. Dad drove, and I slept the whole way. Didn’t say a single word to him, and I dreamt about Kate. I hope she likes the flowers I sent her. I didn’t know what else to do.

  Kate talks to me, like real conversations. Sorry, bro, but Ellie just talks about her girlfriends, college clubs and her new Gucci pumps—whatever those are. Who the fuck cares?

  I laugh with Kate. I swear I smile when she’s around—I don’t fake it and pretend I’m interested. God, what I wouldn’t give to have her naked body pushed up against me all night.

  I hope she’s not too pissed to come over on Saturday. I want it to be perfect. She deserves an explanation. She needs to know who I am. I just hope she still stays afterward.

  November 24

  I found that tree in the back of the woods. You know, the one I fell from when I was eight and broke my arm. In all fairness, you warned me, but I didn’t listen. I can’t believe you actually tried to catch me and broke your arm too.

  I hated living in your perfect shadow. Did you know that Dad blamed me for your broken arm? He said it was my reckless decision that forced you to miss the biggest swim meet of the year. If you hadn’t played the hero, you’d have gone on to win gold in all your events.

  Not my fucking fault.

  But, dammit, man! I miss you.

  November 25

  Thanksgiving

  I think I had too much of Grandpa’s gin last night. I woke up with some girl’s hair in my face—Amy? Not the neighbor girl from last time. I threw away her phone number as soon as she left.

  Wow, dude. I thought I felt guilty for being with Ellie, but today, I might’ve thrown up over it. God, I miss Kate. Like really miss her.

  She’s been through so much. She doesn’t take one second for granted. The hope she has, her determination, cuts at me. Even though she doesn’t know the future, her eyes still smile.

  Every time I close my eyes, I see her. What I wouldn’t give to have her with me right now. She’s fucking killing me.

  I wonder if she knows how thankful I am to have at least met her. I want more, absolutely, but I’m not stupid. I know I may have ruined every chance I had with her. She deserves better than me.

  I wish I could do her justice.

  November 26

  Everything’s set. Dinner’s ordered, and I even bought non-alcoholic wine—fucking disgusting, but tomorrow night is about Kate. I need to tell her about you and Mom. About Dad. I don’t think I can bring up Ellie, though.

  She called, wanting to come over tonight. God, I can’t believe I told her no. I’ve never told her no. Well, except that time when Allyson was here.

  Just so you know, Ellie came to me, dude, the night of your funeral. She said she wanted to feel close to you again. We both needed the comfort. For a while, she always took the initiative, but eventually, I started calling her too. At some point, though, it stopped being about comfort. It was just a good time. Until Kate, I didn’t really care. But now…now it’s different.

  His words cut through me like a soft piece of tofu, leaving my heart torn apart. I squeezed my lids shut as tight as I could and held my breath. Heat burned in my veins. My hands shook as I laid the journal down. A piece of my heart broke off each time I read something about Ellie. Jealousy swept through me. I hated her, yet, I felt sorry for her. She’d traded someone she loved f
or someone who just resembled him. So sad.

  Reading, I understood why Damian didn’t tell me. Even now, I didn’t know if I wanted to know. It hurt so much reading the things he’d done with her—and the other girl. How many girls were there? My lips trembled as I fought to hold back the tears. One escaped and dropped onto the leather. I wiped it away, then opened Damian’s journal and continued to read.

  November 27

  Kate came over last night, a bit hesitant, but at least she showed up. Gave me a chance, which is more than I deserve. God, she was beautiful. Her red lip gloss caught my attention, and I’m happy to know, tasted like strawberries.

  Too funny. She’d never eaten lobster before, and I loved how she picked and poked at it, trying to be polite. I have to admit, I kind of hoped something like that would happen. It opened the door for me to move in and touch her, kiss her. She felt amazing, so soft and smooth. Damn, she drives me wild.

  I told her what I could, leaving Ellie out. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her.

  I think she forgave me. She kissed me back, anyway.

  Liam, I could’ve held her all night. God, I wanted to. I never realized how much I needed her. The way she clung to me drove me crazy.

  When Ellie holds me, it’s just to quench her fire. With Kate, it’s to feel the closeness of both of us—her to me and me to her. No one else belongs in my arms but Katie. And I never want her to leave them.

  November 30

  Kate’s still out. I’ve been with her for two days. Last night, I dreamt that she didn’t wake up. When I woke up, I was soaked with sweat. I laid my head on her chest just to make sure she was still breathing. I can’t lose her now, bro. Not when I just got her.

  December 4

  I fought with Dad again today. Why the hell can’t he wake her up? Her blood pressure dropped, and she turned white. I mean, yeah, I’m thankful that he got that under control, but now what? Just wait to see if she dies? What kind of medicine is that?