by Bry Ann
“Shit, Lacey, I’m sorry,” he shakes his head and absentmindedly traces his scars. “But I’m no one’s hero, girl.”
“You’re Maria’s.”
His stare becomes hard. He opens his mouth, then shuts it again.
“What about the Boss, Lacey? Your husband.”
“He’s the man I love. He’s never been my hero.”
There’s a moment of silence where Cut seems to take that in. It’s brutally honest. I’ve never sugar-coated my relationship. He’s my love, my protector, my safety, the father of my child, and he was my hero before he whipped me and sold me out to the men who tormented and tortured me. I’m not sure he can ever earn that title back. Cut was the one person to come through for me, to not let me down.
He ruined that the second I saw it was him that led Miguel straight to me. Down to the place we were supposed to train.
“Look, Lacey, I want to continue training you. Of all the clients I’ve ever trained, and there’ve been a lot, you’re the one who has impressed me the most by far. More than that, I consider you a friend. That said, if you want someone else, I will scour this side of the country to find you someone who would work well with you.”
“Don’t say that.” I squeeze my eyes. “I can’t imagine living here and not seeing you.” Panic strikes me like a bullet. “You can’t, I can’t be here without you. Please.”
I start to hyperventilate.
“Lacey!” His deep voice cuts through my spiraling thoughts. I look up tentatively. “You want me to train you, I’m fucking training you. No questions asked.”
“O… kay.”
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. I use the breathing technique my therapist taught me to get myself to calm down. My world is spinning with no solid ground. Footsteps enter the room slowly. I hear it, and slowly turn my head to the side.
Enzio.
“Are you okay, Lace? I mean, you’re not, but are you hurt or anything? That back there was… fuck, I’m so sorry Lacey. You’ve suffered enough.”
Cut grunts in agreement. He may look like a grizzly bear, but underneath it all, buried way deep down, is a teddy bear that sneaks out from time to time, for the right people.
“He didn’t touch me.”
Cut sighs, the slightest hint of sadness hidden in it.
“But your mind…” Enzio says slowly.
“I’ll be a little fucked up for a while.”
His lip twitches at that. I don’t cuss often, but when I do, I make a point.
“Well,” Cut says, giving Enzio a quick glance. “I’ll be here tomorrow and all the days following. I expect some hard-ass training in that case. Don’t think I’m going to take it easy on you because of a little trauma.”
Wow, was that actually a joke?
“I’d be worried if you did.”
He nods, but doesn’t say anything else. As I’m walking away, Cut calls out one last time.
“And Lacey, I’m not naive. I know how the world works. This doesn’t resolve things. I broke your trust and that’s not easily earned back. For what it’s worth, I’ve never been more sorry about anything in my life.”
Cut’s eyes back up his words. I give him a look, letting him know I understand and my heart is open to forgiveness. It’s a powerful moment before Enzio cuts in, in typical Enzio fashion.
“And I stood in front of a bullet for you, gladly, so we are best friends now, and you are no longer allowed to hide shit from me.”
I give Enzio a pretend roll of my eyes, but that makes me smile a bit. He’s great. I feel a numbness wash over me when I look back at Cut. I give him a nod, duck my head, and leave. There’s nothing more to say.
I need time.
Lacey
When I said I needed time, I meant it. I found a random spare bedroom in the house and hid away there. I went to check on Rose first, but Sven had her locked away, so I knew she was going to be alright. He’d make sure of it. Then I went to get my baby. I took her from Mirial and wrapped her in my arms, knowing I shouldn’t be near her in my condition. I needed her, though. I needed to see she was breathing. I needed to feel her little hands against my skin.
I’m here. Not there.
Blood. So much blood.
Adam there like a devil and an avenging angel all in one.
“Mama…”
“Shh, baby.”
I pull her in closer to me under the covers of the cold, empty room I picked out. I wait until her breathing evens out and she’s asleep, safe in my arms, to let it all hit me. I sob silently until the world slips from between my fingers. My eyelids flutter a few times, my hand tightens around my angel, then I slip into the darkness.
“I told you you’d die here, you little slut. Now you’ll watch everyone you love die with you. But first...” A scalding iron rod comes into my line of sight. “We play.”
“No, please,” I frantically scoot back.
“Oh, I wouldn’t run.”
He throws a phone at me. It’s showing a picture of Adam, my baby, and Rose, all tied to chairs.
“NO! Let them go. Please.”
“Then take it, and maybe I’ll let them live.”
“Please…”
“Take it,” he hisses, as the smell of burning flesh fills the room. The pain is uncontainable, undeniable. My scream echoes off the walls of the dingy cell.
“Take her. Get her out of here, Mirial.”
There’s a pause followed by the steady sound of shuffling before the room goes silent again.
“Yeah, I got her. She’ll be okay.”
I slowly start to float back to reality. The chaos jolts me. The first thing I notice is how raw my throat feels. It feels like I’ve been swallowing knives.
As the chaos starts to slowly die down, someone’s eyes turn to watch over me. I don’t open mine yet. I’m not ready. The bed dips next to me and a rough, cold hand comes up over my heated forehead.
“I’m here. Whenever you’re ready to come back. I’m right here.”
“My throat hurts,” I croak. My voice is extremely hoarse. I barely recognize it as my own.
“You’ve been screaming,” Adam says softly, “screaming bloody murder actually. Try not to talk.”
“But I came here to avoid you.”
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
“I know.”
“But you’re here.”
Ow.
“You were in pain,” he says matter of factly. “You and our angel.”
“Rose, oh my god, she…” my hoarse voice gives out.
With a sad expression Adam gently rubs my tender throat.
“Don’t talk. She’s okay. You’re okay. It’s all okay. It’s over.”
Is it really over? Is that even possible? It seems to never end.
Reading my thoughts, he adds in a stern voice, “I’m ending it. For good this time. Sometimes, babe...” He gently traces the cheek my tears are frozen onto. “You just gotta squash the bees. Honey just feeds them.”
What do I say to that? I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m drained. Fine, kill the bees. Kill all the bees. Just let me sleep in peace.
“Go to sleep, Lacey. I’m right here. I won’t leave your side.”
He gently strokes my hair back. In his strong arms, in a room I don’t know, I slowly fall asleep. Every time the nightmares float to the surface, I feel Adam’s grip tighten on me, protecting me, and they fade. They fade into the image of him standing in that doorway, voice booming, before anything more tragic could happen.
Like the deaths of more people I care about.
Or getting taken again.
I fall into REM sleep. Far, far from reality or feelings or my tired, aching body.
Soft kisses are the first thing I remember when I float back to reality.
“Adam?”
I almost forget the past twenty four hours. My body feels tingly and relaxed.
“Yes. Know anyone else who kisses you like this?”
“No, just you,” I sigh.
The gravelly tone of my voice brings me back to the night before. “How did you know I was having bad dreams?” I ask quietly.
“I had Enzio guarding your door. Just keeping lookout. He heard you screaming, ran to get me, and Mirial helped me get Rose out of here.”
“Oh god, my poor baby.”
“Honestly, I think she’s okay. She was worried and confused, but Mirial texted me afterward. She fed her some cookie dough ice cream Mirial apparently had stashed away, and virtually all was forgotten.”
“Oh, thank goodness. We don’t deserve Mirial. She’s an angel. I don’t know how I’d do this without her.”
He chuckles. “You deserve her, little dove. Can’t say I do.”
My head falls. “What are you going to do with Miguel, Adam?”
I lean on my side, propping myself up with my elbow. A guarded look crosses Adam’s face.
“I need information from him.”
He’s avoiding.
“Okay, once you get it?”
“I don’t think now’s the time to discuss this, Lacey.”
“What was that bullshit about not sheltering me anymore, letting me fly? What, that only applies for things you think are good ideas? That’s not flying, that’s being controlled. You know I prefer to be in the light of darkness than alone in the dark with a blindfold on.”
He thinks on this for a moment before his eyes blaze.
“He dies. They all die. I’m ending this.”
“So…” I close my mouth and think through what I’m going to say next. “So that’s what you’re going to do?”
His spine goes straight. “You don’t approve?”
He sits up, and I follow.
“He’s a kid.”
“Seventeen. Hardly a child, and I’m pretty fucking damn sure his actions can make up for the year missed,” he scoffs.
“I know you think it’s better to snuff out the bees than to feed them honey. The angry, bitter part of me agrees with you. That part of me wants him dead. Wants him to suffer like I do. Wants him gone so I can feel safer, but…” I bite down on my lower lip, “I want more for you. I want more from you. It’s not really about him; it’s about you. The long term.”
I furiously grab his hand.
“He’s a kid, Adam. Do this right.”
“You want me to just let him go?”
“No,” I smirk. “Let me help you get him convicted of murder. I know you’re smart enough to pull it off, especially with me by your side.”
“I don’t doubt that, little dove,” Adam says, running a hand over his face before wrapping it around me and pulling me close. “I don’t fucking doubt it. But what does it say about me, Lacey? I’m the Boss, capofamiglia. I don’t handle shit by handing people who cross me over to the unstable legal system. Especially when the people I love have their lives on the line.”
“Bees, Adam. Long term, yeah, honey may feed the threat, the thing that stings you, but over the years, you’ll have so many worker bees, allies, that you can snuff that threat out and handle it right.”
I grab his hands tightly.
“I don’t want you to start playing Ring Around the Rosie with your men and your enemies. I know who you are and what you do. I’m asking you to start using a little discretion. You’re wise, Adam. I’ve heard it! You’re a natural leader. I’m asking that you don’t whip your gun and blade out for everything. In honor of me, if you have to. But this guy, he’s a kid, Adam. Do the right thing. That kid didn’t stand much of a chance. His father was a devil. Let the justice system sort him out or snuff him out. But please, don’t murder a child. I can’t look away from that. I just can’t.”
There’s a long pause. Too long. I’m scared he’s going to just up and leave, but he doesn’t. He pulls me close, almost like he’s smelling me.
“I always knew you’d fuck shit up. You’re too smart. Too much of a natural-born leader to be simply my wife.”
“What’s so bad about me being your partner?” I whisper.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Alright, Lacey. You win this one. We’ll try this your way and take it from there. I hear you. I hear you,” he repeats softly.
Those three words heal me of the past twenty four hours, as much as is possible.
I hear you.
I hear you.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be heard.
Sven
“How is everyone? Lacey? Maria? Oh my god. Your Boss? If he dies, Lacey will. This is a tragedy. I don’t even know…”
“Rose,” I hold up a hand. I’m exhausted. “They are all fine. There was one death: Gioele. Well,” I smirk, I can’t help it. “One death on our side.”
“Oh, Gioele. His poor wife.”
“Yeah, but it was either him, Lacey taking a bullet that handicaps her, or Lacey’s best friend. Gioele died justly. His wife will find comfort in that.”
“Oh, Lacey.” Rose’s head falls into her hands.
“Yeah.”
Honestly got no words for that. How much can one human take before they fall apart? Lacey tests those bounds. She doesn’t deserve it. It’s unfair, and it honestly hurts me to think about.
So I don’t.
… Or I try not to.
“Let’s not talk about this.”
Her mouth falls open with disbelief.
“Listen before you judge, babe. This shit is dark, and it’s no good to talk about. Won’t help anything. To be honest, I’m not even looking forward to dealing with it at work. I want to talk about our future.” I snatch her around the waist and pull her in close to me. “Your future. How’s college?”
There’s literally still blood on my hands. I just got done locking Miguel up, and this is what I want to do. I want to hear about her normal life. Her pure dreams and goals.
Rose frowns. “Sven, can I ask you something?”
Her finger traces a line down my facial hair.
“You know you can.”
“You won’t get mad?”
“Not if you keep touching me like that.”
She glares at me and removes her hand from my lower stomach, where she was lightly tracing her fingers before I apparently said the wrong thing. I return the glare, so with an eye roll and a smile, she continues tracing my body.
“You don’t seem happy here. Not anymore. Before you did, but now? I don’t know.”
I stiffen. Everything inside me grows cold.
“That’s not a question,” I say, voice like ice.
“Do you even want this anymore, Sven? You think maybe this was just an out for a broken little boy?”
I swallow my emotions and cruel response, drowning them with a smirk. “That’s a dangerous question, princess.”
“You said I could ask!”
“Now I’m saying you can’t.”
“Ugh,” she grumbles. “But…”
“College, Rose.”
“Fine. Message received, as well as my answer.”
Thump. Thump. Thump. Shit!
She sighs, continuing on, ignoring my hidden panic. “I love my major.”
I smile at that. A genuine one.
“Good, and your grades?”
“Well, Dad, I have all A’s and one B.”
“What class is the B in?”
“Ugh! It’s not even a Psych class. It’s some stupid requirement. It’s in communication.”
I snort. “Figures.”
“What’s that mean?”
“You suck at communicating, Rose. Listening, you’re the best. Talking, eh, you could do better.”
“You’re a dick,” she mutters.
I shrug. “I’m honest. The rest are A’s. It’s not like I’m cutting you too deep.”
“I love you, Sven.”
My head whips up so fast. “What? Where did that come from?”
“So many questions,” she mumbles. “This is where you say ‘I love you too, Rose. I’m glad you’re alive.’”
“Oh, since when do I follow orders?”
/> “Just be good for once.”
“Overrated,” I scoff. “You like me bad.”
I wink and chuff her chin. She turns away and wraps her arms around her waist.
“How’s Maria?”
I groan and run my hand over my face. “Insecure?”
Rose whips around. “What?”
“She’s feeling shitty about the whole thing. Weak, I guess.”
“Maria? No way. No one can make her feel that way.”
“Apparently they can. And they did.”
“Oh my god, I have to go to her.”
My arm snakes out and grabs her wrist. “You are not leaving me right now. You never think of the fact that I may need you,” I snap. “You just come and go as you please. What the fuck about me, Rose? Fuck you, Rose. You know that. Fuck you and your Latina friend.”
Her mouth falls open as I let go of her wrist and slam my hand on the wall.
“Sven, I didn’t think you’d…”
“Yeah, that’s the problem. You don’t think. You’ve drawn this conclusion in your head that I get on just fine without you. That all I’ll miss is fucking with you and, well, fucking you. It annoys the fuck out of me. I got it before, but now, I gave you those fucking letters. Did you even read them all? If you didn’t, honestly, go. Walk out that door right now. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Sven, I read all of them. Over and over,” she says with a tremor in her voice. “Every one. Right down to you begging me to save Lacey’s baby.”
“What the fuck am I to you, Rose? A fuck buddy? Money? Security?” I spin around. “What? Because I’ll be damned if I let myself believe somebody else is what they’re not. I did that for years with Savannah, and I fucking refuse to do that with you.”
I’m scared out of my ever loving mind. I’m vulnerable, and I hate it!
“Sven, I… I don’t know how to fix this. I never meant to make you feel this way.”
Her voice is so quiet, almost childlike.
“You’re so strong and playful, I sometimes forget you need love, too. I forget you don’t just know I love you. I feel like there’s so much love, and admittedly confusion, inside of me for you that it spills over. I feel like you’d just know. It feels like there’s no way anyone doesn’t. Especially you. I’m so sorry.”
