by Bry Ann
Oh my god, he’s mental. He’s so nonchalant.
“You shot your best friend.”
Adam frowns. “He asked me to.”
We’re five again, apparently.
“Well, when can I see him? Is he okay? Where’s Rose?”
Oh, Rose. I’m going to be all alone again, but I’m glad she’s getting her happy ending. That makes me smile.
But what about me? Maria? I need to see her.
“I told you. He’s fine. Once we get some of this settled, you can see him. Rose will be here tonight. Everyone knows you two are friends so she is here as a friend of yours. It’s important, Lacey, that nobody knows.”
“You can trust me.”
“I know, babe.”
“Well, alright,” I frown. “Long as it’s what he wants and he’s okay. I don’t have to understand.”
Adam looks grateful that I’m letting this go.
“Changing this subject, are you excited for tonight?”
“I’m nervous.”
He nods, knowing full well why. Yes, it’s a lot of people. Yes, I’m nervous to see how they all get along. I’m nervous to see Nix and Kev, and hopeful I’ll get to meet Sage. But we both know that’s not why I’m scared.
The dress.
That stupid dress I bought for this dinner. The one I got to try to ‘move forward.’ To be a better example for Rose as she grows older.
I can do this.
Ahhhhh.
“There’s no reason to be, Mrs. Ruston. You’ve tackled a lot of things; you can tackle the dress, too.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m gonna go cook. I’ll worry about the dress later.”
“Make brussel sprouts!” Adam calls out as I leave the room. I spin around and stick my tongue out.
“I’m making carrots!”
I can hear his laughter down the hallway. “No, you won’t.”
He’s right. He knows it. I’ll make him brussel sprouts. Even if I just have enough for one batch. That’s love. Making brussel sprouts because he requested them. Even if I already pre-prepped carrots.
I spend the entire day cooking with staff, setting tables, and decorating. I want this to be special. This meal is important. It matters. Every one of these people has played an important role in my life. In giving me my life. In giving Rose a life.
And I want them all to like each other, because this isn’t the end of everything. It’s just the beginning. And I’m hoping, secretly, that they’ll want to see each other again. To be a group. I so want that. A group of people I can fall back on.
But anyway, this is just a dinner. Just a dinner, Lacey.
Now back to the mirror. I’ve been staring at it for the past forty minutes, and I still haven’t been able to move. It’s a beautiful dress. The cream, the light lace overlay, and quarter-length sleeves.
Quarter-length sleeves. That’s the problem. It exposes red, jagged scars and squiggly, ugly flesh from marred skin.
Knee-length. Exposing scarred knees from being thrown onto the ground, bruises seemingly etched into my shins.
A knock sounds on the door. I spin around, clutching my heart. Rose is standing there in a sexy red dress with small, dark brown heels.
“You look beautiful,” she whispers with tears in her eyes. “Oh my god, Lacey. You’re wearing a dress, and tennis shoes. Of course.”
A giddy laugh escapes her lips. The snot in her nose gives it a choking sound. With a small, hesitant smile, I run to the bathroom to get her some tissues. She smiles and takes it from my hand, snatching my wrist before I can walk away.
“It’s still the two of us. Before everything else.”
My heart thumps. That’s what I needed to hear.
I extend my pinky. “You promise?”
“I swear.”
I smile. She’s never seen my scars, but for some reason, I’m not scared with her. Hell, Sven’s seen them. Why can’t she? Speaking of…
“How’s Sven?”
Rose rolls her eyes and swats her hand. “Oh, he’s fine.”
Immediately, my eyes home in on a glistening object on her left hand. “Oh my god! Give me your hand right now!”
I start reaching for her hand, the same way my daughter does. Gimme gimme. She playfully swings it around, moving just fast enough that I can’t get a good look.
“I need to see it!”
I grab her elbow and pinch the joint there, forcing her to freeze.
“Jesus, ow, Lacey!”
“Sorry, but I couldn’t wait.”
She smirks, and wiggles her fingers. It’s a huge pinkish diamond rock with an elegant gold band.
“It’s so extravagant!”
“Would you expect anything less from Sven?” Rose says, beaming at her ring.
“I’m so happy that you’re happy.”
“I can’t believe he left this life for me,” she whispers.
“You’re more than worth it.”
“Thanks, Lacey. Now back to your dress!”
“Do I look horrific?” I whisper, unable to look at her.
“No! Do you hear me? You look like a fucking badass, but more than anything, more than anything else, you look beautiful.”
Beautiful? Me? My skin?
“You promise? You sure I shouldn’t hide?”
Rose comes in front of me, gripping my shoulders, forcing me to look her in the eye.
“We started our relationship in the shadows. Hiding. Running. Let’s build it by finding the light. That’s what you look like, Lacey, a bright light.”
“I love you, Rose.”
“No matter what, no matter who else comes into my life, you’ll always be my sister, Lacey Ruston.”
I turn from her to hide my teary eyes. I take one more look in the mirror.
“Come on, Lace. Your husband sent me up here, so I know you’ve been looking at yourself for far too long already.”
Inhale. Okay, exhale too.
“Cut’s already here. Along with your parents and Jamie. And your food is calling my name, so can we hurry? You’re an amazing cook.”
I love hearing when she gets excited for food. I love Sven for making her feel beautiful enough to not starve her incredible body.
“Okay, Rose. Thank you.”
“Come on.”
We both go down the hall, down an elegant set of stairs to the dining room. I have no clue where my parents or Jamie are, but Cut is standing there. So is Maria, but she’s on the opposite side of the room with her arms crossed over her chest. I need to talk to her. But first, Cut.
Cut’s eyes roam over me once before a full smile graces his lips. A full smile. I’ve never seen him with a full smile on his face. It vanishes quickly, but it was there, and Rose, Maria, and I were witness to it.
“You look very nice, Lacey.”
His eyes are beaming with pride.
“Thank you, Cut.”
I tug harder at my sleeves, desperately wishing they were long. Rose grabs my hand and pulls it down with a sympathetic smile. I drop my other hand to my side, clutching air, wishing it was fabric.
I walk over to Maria while Rose goes off to talk with whoever.
“How are you?” I ask gently.
“You look freakin’ incredible, girl. I’m fine,” she waves her hand in the air like it’s ridiculous I even asked. “I got out of there before all the shit went down. The question is, how are you?”
Her eyes flicker to my scars, but they move on quickly.
“I wasn’t touched by them.”
“That’s good.”
“You know what I mean, Maria. You were. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Seriously, if you think some psychopathic kid scares me then you don’t know me at all. Besides, big guy over there had me covered.”
She points a thumb at Cut.
“I’m glad he was there for you,” I say softly.
“Look, Lacey, I’ve been meaning to apologize to you about this. You and Cut are close. I’
m sorry that something I did shattered the trust between you two. Honestly, I really feel shitty about that.”
Maria looks down and picks at her nails.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll be fine. Don’t lose sleep over that. I’m serious. Are you and Cut okay?”
Her whole spine stiffens. “What do you mean by that?”
“You two just seem… tense.”
“I don’t even know him. I’m excited for dinner, Lace.”
She taps my shoulder and struts off. Her strappy red sandals click on the tile on her way out.
“Lacey, the door!” Someone calls from the other room.
I run out of the dining room to the front door and swing it open. In front of me is a casual looking Kev with Lea by his side.
“Hi, Kev. Hi, Lea. I’m so glad you came! I know it’s weird coming, um, here.”
I wince and gesture to the mafia house. Both of them smile. Yeah, my husband’s in the mafia. Not everyone would feel comfortable showing up here.
“Thank you for inviting us,” Lea says warmly.
I keep the door open and usher them inside. The second they enter, Rose gets obviously nervous. She withdraws and twists her hands together. With no Sven to boost her up, this is harder for her.
“Hi, Kev,” she whispers. His face softens. He walks up to her and wraps his arms around her body in a gentle hug.
“Hi, Rose. It’s so good to see you. You look great.”
He lets go. Rose is crying. “I’m so sorry, Kev.”
“Hey, hey now. This is a great night. I’m fine. You’re fine. You have your guy, I have Lea. We’re all okay. No room for tears.”
“You’re the nicest. Sorry I was so awful to you.”
“No, you were hurting. I owe you an apology as well, but let’s forget it. The past is the past. I see we are both engaged.”
He grins. Rose’s gaze flickers down to his left hand.
“Oh my god, Kev! You’re engaged.”
Rose walks up to Lea.
“I’m Rose. Congratulations.”
Lea looks a little on edge, but I leave the room so the ladies can have a moment. I don’t witness the interaction, which I’m not in the least bit upset about. Lea seems very territorial. I don’t really care to see if she warms up to Rose or not.
I walk around a bit, doing some hosting duties: cleaning, picking up extra cups and plates, getting more food. I’m grabbing more brussel sprouts from the kitchen when my dad, standing passively in the doorway, stops me.
“How can I help you?” I don’t really want to talk to him. I shouldn’t have invited them. I’m horrible.
“I just wanted to say how proud I am of you.”
My head snaps up “What?”
His eyes roam over my scars blatantly. It’s these little things that remind me why I love the company I keep. Why I keep my parents far from my day to day life. Everyone else here has had the courtesy to look away, to not focus on what’s permanently etched into my skin. All their words have been focused on building me up instead of making me feel small. Not my dad. Nope.
“You make the best of your situation. It’d be hard having those scars and trying to look beautiful.”
Trying.
“Um, tha…”
“She is beautiful. She doesn’t need to try.”
Both of us look toward the booming voice. My heart smiles. Adam. He comes over and wraps his hand around my waist, kissing my head softly. I can feel his hand shaking with rage against my skin. He already hates my parents.
“Right. Of course. I just meant that… well... you know, despite her skin, she’s still getting dressed nice… and you know,” he stumbles over his words, but I know it’s too late. The damage is done, and Adam is pissed.
“Just shut up!”
Right then my mom walks in and looks me over once with wide eyes. “Oh… wow.”
Adam’s whole body tenses. He looks at me with fury in his eyes, but I see the worry behind his anger.
“It’s okay,” I whisper. It’s really not. I want to go, throw on my giant sweatshirt and hide away, but I won’t do that to Adam.
“You two are pieces of shit. How you created such an incredible daughter is beyond me and—”
“Lacey!” Jamie comes sprinting into the room. He’s getting so big.
“Get over here, tyke!”
Jamie runs over and wraps his arms around me. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“Sorry, bud, everyone needs me,” I say, pretending to stick out my tongue and roll my eyes.
“Well, tell them you’re mine. And baby Rose’s. You’re hers too, now.”
I smile at him. “What about me?” Adam says from above my head. I can hear the smile in his voice.
Jamie looks up at him and rolls his eyes. He’s still annoyed at Adam from the whole chicken situation.
“I guess. You married her.”
Both Adam and I laugh. I swat Jamie’s head. “You make that sound bad.”
“I guess it’s fine.”
“You’ll get it one day, kid,” Adam laughs.
“Sure.”
I stand up and turn to face my parents with one hand still on Jamie’s head.
“Honestly, don’t worry about it. Any of it. I won’t see you guys enough for it to matter.”
Both of them look dumbfounded. Their jaws slip open, their eyes widen, and they instinctively lean into each other.
“I’m not trying to be mean. It’s just, these days, I put my own happiness first.”
I can feel Adam beaming beside me.
“Jamie, sweetie, we are leaving soon, okay?” My mom says softly. I can’t lie. That hurts. It really hurts. My parents really suck.
“But Mom...” Jamie tries to argue.
My mom looks me once over. She thinks I’m a bad influence on him. How freaking dare they. They sold me! For money, for a cash payment. Adam senses my turmoil and squeezes my shoulder.
I exhale.
“Jamie,” I whisper. “I’ll see you soon. I promise. This party’s kind of for adults.”
“You’re not cool anymore,” he grumbles.
“Oh, don’t lie. You know I am. What, do you think Dad is cooler?”
He smirks. “Guess you’re alright.”
“Love you, tyke. I have to go check on the other guests. I don’t want anyone to get into trouble.”
“Bye.”
I give one last look in my parents’ direction. I know I won’t be seeing them for a while. Maybe not everyone deserves forgiveness?
The rest of the night is one of the best I’ve ever had, once my parents leave, even though I miss Jamie so much. I can’t see him much ‘til he’s older and can visit me on his own.
Rose spends a lot of time with Kev. The beginning is awkward. Lea is the most protective, territorial woman I’ve ever met. Because of that, Rose hanging around, as beautiful as she is, especially with her and Kev’s close, bloody past, makes Lea feel threatened. As the night goes on and more alcohol is served, Lea warms up to Rose. I swear at some point she invites her over to her house for drinks. Lea strikes me as a loner. Strong women usually are. I’m glad she and Rose get along.
Cut and Maria are by far the most entertaining. I spend most of my time around them. I have such hope for Cut, and there’s something about Maria and Cut together. There’s something there. Cut speaks more words to her than anyone, and gives her more emotion than I’ve seen him give anyone else. Maria ignores every man who approaches her when Cut is around. I mean, this is just one of many interactions I get to witness during the course of the evening.
“You need to drink!”
I watch as Maria tries to shove a beer into Cut’s hand. He scowls and pushes it back at her.
“I’ll pass.”
“This is why you’re such a grump. I swear to God. I don’t know how Lacey trains with you every day.”
“Is that so?” He cocks an eyebrow and steps right into her space.
I watch as Maria shows subtl
e signs of getting flustered. She’ll be damned if she lets it show, though. She steps forward a bit and leans her hips in toward him the slightest bit. I suppress a smile as I watch my big, tough trainer take a tiny step back.
“It is,” Maria smirks.
“Well, Lacey seems to handle it fine.”
Game over. Cut steps away, slips his mask on and his voice goes back to his neutral, low, gravelly tone.
That’s when the doorbell rings. I prance over and answer it. I feel the lightest I have in years. I feel free, beautiful, social. I feel like a normal woman just hanging with her friends. I’m happy.
“Nix!” I smile at him. I’m so glad he’s here. Despite everything. Despite our differences.
He’s standing in the doorway, wearing a yellow logo tee, cargo pants, bracelets, and clearly unbrushed hair. No Sage to be seen. My shoulders slump a little. I really want to meet her. She’s one person I think I could relate to a lot. It’d be amazing to meet her, but it also makes me sad to know how trapped she must feel in her mind to never go anywhere.
“No Sage, huh?”
Nix runs a hand down his very tired looking face. “No, kid. No Sage. Not here. She’s not ready. Not sure she’ll ever be.”
“Maybe I could go to her sometime?”
His face softens. “Maybe.”
That’s a no.
“You look tired. Are you okay?”
“Just a lot of shit going on,” he mumbles. “Don’t worry about it.”
I frown. What shit?
“You gonna let me in?”
“Right, of course! I’m sorry.”
Once he’s inside, he looks me up and down. Again, not focusing on my scars.
“You look great, kid. Proud of you.”
“Thanks, Nix.”
“Did I hear Nix?”
Rose comes strutting in the room, throwing her arms around her brother.
“You’re terrible at keeping in touch with me,” she grumbles.
“Sorry, sis.” He smiles like he’s amused. “Missed you, too.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Rose takes his wrist and leads him around, introducing him to everybody. He and Kev talk for a while. I thought they’d get along. I spend most of the time in the back, watching everyone. My heart feels like it could explode in my chest.
So much love.
I feel lucky. So, so lucky. If I had killed myself, let myself sleep forever, like I desired so many times, even recently, I would have missed all of this. All these people who care so much about me and who love me and my family. I wish Sven was here, but he’s off fighting for his girl, so I’m not too sad. In fact, I’m happy for him.
