Maybe I took advantage of the situation. Maybe I withheld information that was important to you. Maybe you'll never forgive me for those things. I can't blame you. If the roles were reversed I'd probably feel the same way. It's easy for me to look at it and be the victim, because that's all I've ever been.
The thing is, with you, I'm a different person. You make me want to live. You make me want to love.
Like I mentioned before, I'm not writing this letter to ask for forgiveness, because I know we're beyond that. I'm writing this letter because I need you to understand. I need you to know I didn't do this because of what happened on the beach. I did it because every single day I spent by your side was another piece of my broken heart being put back together. You gave me hope when I thought there was none left to take. You made me feel wanted when I was totally alone. You showed me the real meaning of love and determination, and for that I will forever be grateful.
Because of you I want to live, and I'm going to. I'm going to start over and make a life for myself. Every single day that I wake up I'm going to know it's all because of the time I spent with you. You're strong and resilient, you'll make it over this hurdle. You’ll leap over it and keep running, because of your strength.
I know one day you'll be back in those waves again and this time you'll come out as a champion. Don’t ever doubt what you’re capable of. You’re the strongest, most beautiful person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Thank you for saving my life, Brian. I owe it all to you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You gave me purpose, and I’ll live every single day of my life to the fullest because you gave me that chance.
Forever in your debt - Miley
I’m numb. I can’t pretend her words don’t cut me like a knife. I need to talk to her, to tell her I don’t hate her, but I’m not sure how. She didn’t leave a number, and I have no idea where she’s living. I may never know.
Chapter 28
Miley
The cafeteria is located on the basement floor of the hospital. After taking the bus, I enter through the back employee doors and never have to step foot on the main floor. So many times I’ve wanted to visit with Baz, but I’m doing too good to be able to handle any sort of rejection.
By now he’s gotten my letter. I had someone deliver it almost two weeks ago. If everything went as expected, Baz would be preparing to go home. The doctor’s had discussed with him about waiting a few more weeks before the halo can come off. I wish I could be there for him, to at least let him know I’m never far.
It’s difficult because he’s so close but I’m too afraid to reach out. It’s the rejection I can’t handle. Ever since I poured my heart out in that letter I’ve been irritated. Harboring regret is a hard way to live.
It’s not until I’m alone in my bed at night reading, where I really feel like I’m alone. People in the books find love, have problems, and then miraculously get back together after shocking revelations. If only my life were so simple.
It’s funny. When Baz first started hinting about us dating I was reluctant, mostly because I was hiding things from him. After time I started to notice how much we were sharing, and what it felt like to have that kind of connection.
I often wonder if he still thinks of me. I can’t expect forgiveness, but he has to at least appreciate he wasn’t alone through the worst parts. He has to know it wasn’t all a lie.
The following morning I’m in a foul mood. All I can think about is Baz. It’s so consuming that I take an earlier bus to arrive at the hospital before my shift. Determination is the only thing keeping me from turning around and heading to the basement.
As soon as I round the corner I see a couple familiar nurses who were aware of my situation. They greet me, reluctantly wondering what I’m doing back when Baz has told everyone he never wanted to see me again. I’m prepared for them to tell me I have to leave, but when they don’t I have hope.
Not knowing what to expect, I knock twice on the door before entering. Baz is sitting up with a food tray in front of him. He’s aware I’m in the room, but isn’t positioned to see me. Using that as my advantage, I clear my throat and decide to speak before he knows who it is.
I’m so nervous I feel like I could vomit any second. This isn’t something I thought I’d ever be able to go through with, but I need some kind of closure and the note didn’t cut it. “Hi, Baz.”
“Miley?” He’s trying to move so he can see me, so I step a little closer.
“Is it okay that I’m here?” I point to the door. “I can just go if it’s…”
“It’s fine. Stay. Please.”
Then it’s eerily quiet. I don’t want to assume it’s okay to speak, so I wait for him to do it first.
“I’m getting out today. Did you know?”
“I suspected it would be this week. I just wanted to say goodbye in case I never saw you again.” As soon as I say it I feel awful.
“Yeah, I’m going to be staying with Max and his dad. I can’t be alone in the surf shop. They made up the living room so it’s more comfortable for me, but we’ll see how it goes. What about you? Where are you living?”
“I’m part of a program.” I shyly glance in another direction when it becomes difficult to talk about. “It’s the same thing I was in when I visited you every day. I’ve graduated to the next part. There’s a building not too far from here. It’s a facility that helps people transition. They got me a job and everything.”
“I can’t believe you were a patient the whole time.”
“A mental patient,” I add for humor.
“You never seemed crazy when you were preventing me from losing it.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t ever depressed when we were together.”
Dang it. It’s quiet again. I open my mouth to speak, but he does it for me. “I miss you. It’s been boring as hell. I’ve got no one to talk to, and cards aren’t the same with just one person. All Max talks about is what he’s been up to, which only irritates me since I can’t do much of anything. Then I was worried about you.”
“Worried about me?”
“I shouldn’t have said those things to you, Miley. I was pissed off.”
“I’m the one who lied. I put you in that position.” Approaching the bed, I reach out for him. Before I can touch his hand he pulls it away. “I misunderstood,” I say while backing away. “I thought…”
“I shouldn’t have sent you away like I did, but I’m not sure if I can get over what happened. I know you’re hurting. You’ve been through a lot, but so have I. You made a stupid decision, and because of it I may never be the same guy again. My life as I know it could be over, and that’s pretty hard to wrap my head around. I’m not saying you need to leave, but we can’t be the way we were before.”
“I never lied about my feelings for you. They were real.”
“I believe you. My feelings were real too, but I was also experiencing the scariest time in my life. I was desperate for comfort and you were there. Look, the truth is, I’m just not in any position to know what I want. I need to focus on getting out of this hospital and figuring out what I’m going to do from now on. God knows I’ll be paying medical bills for the next hundred years.”
“I know. I know. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t help me. I wish it would. I wish we could go back to when things were better. I miss the shit out of you, but it changes nothing. When I look at you now I see everything. It keeps playing out in my mind. Miley, I’m sorry. I really am glad you’re doing okay. I’m glad you’re getting help, and that I’ve given you a reason to want to live again. Trust me, I read your letter nearly a dozen times.”
He’s being honest. Everything he’s saying is valid and understandable. I couldn’t expect to come in here and be back to where we were, but it hurts to hear him saying it.
Tears fill my eyes, and as much as I try to keep them at bay, it’s utterly impossible.
“I care about you, Baz. I never once faked
my feelings. I’m here because of you. I’ll do anything to make this right.”
He lifts his hands and holds onto the halo frame. “I need time, Miley. I thought I was ready to do this, but I’m getting aggravated trying to pretend this is okay. I’m going to need more time.”
“I get it.”
“Can I have your number?” He asks.
I sniffle and feel a glimmer of hope. “Are you going to call?”
“Crazier things have happened.”
Even though I’m not supposed to, I reach for his hand again. “Please forgive me, Baz. I’d do anything to have my friend back.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling.” He squeezes my hand, manages a smile, and then pulls away.
“I’ll wait for you. As long as it takes.”
He scrunches up his face. “Miley, don’t. If someone comes along who’s worth it, don’t let them slip by. Take chances. Live your life. Be everything you want to be.”
“You’re the reason I’m still here.”
He reaches up and I close my eyes when I feel him skimming my cheek. “I just want this to be over. I wish it never happened.”
It’s too much. I have to walk away. He wishes he never met me, and I can’t blame him. There’s no reason to leave my number, because he’s never going to call.
Chapter 29
Baz
I was under the impression that things were going to get better the moment she walked through the door. It was confirmation she was okay, and that I’d been thinking the worst for no reason. Much to my dismay Miley couldn't handle the truth, or the fact that I'm still unsure of how I feel about things. I wish there was an easier way to get through this; a way to switch places so we can each see what the other is going through. She's so fragile I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, and I think that's exactly what just happened. I didn't mean for her to run out like she did. I just wanted Miley to know if she had other options she should take them. I don't want to be the one to hold her back. I want her to appreciate every day, to appreciate the life she's never been able to experience on her own. I want her to wake up and smile knowing she has a future ahead of her, and that possibly I was the reason for it. I want her to think of me in a positive way and not someone she let down. I know Miley probably thinks she destroyed me, and maybe for a long time I felt that way too. I've come to realize that no matter how things went down that day I still would have gone after her, I would have done everything in my power to save her, because that's the person that I am, and who I want to be.
Unlike the times before where I was incapacitated, I'm able to go after her. Pushing the call button, I order the nurse to put me in a wheelchair. It takes me a while to get adjusted, but as soon as I'm parked in the seat, I take off down the hall.
I've explored the hospital each day, mostly to exercise my arms. I still haven't gotten used to the way people look at me. Right now I'm not worried about the concerned stares as I frantically push my way through the long corridors in hopes of spotting her.
Wherever Miley has gone off to, she's upset, and it worries me. Since I'm aware of her instability, her safety is my biggest concern. I'd hate for her to assume the worst and wish she could make it all go away.
Stricken with determination, I head down to the cafeteria to search for her, so I can apologize and reiterate exactly what I was trying to say before, but in a less insensitive manner.
Scanning the area, I search for Miley. Thinking she might be upset and need time to calm down, I head in the direction of the cashier. She's counting the drawer, so I clear my throat to alert her of my presence. "Excuse me, is Miley here?"
"She hasn't come in yet this morning. Her shift isn't for another twenty minutes."
"Okay thanks." Disappointed, I turn around and head out. After searching the lobby, and even the chapel, I've run out of ideas. Unless I want to attempt to rag out my arms, I need to rest.
I'm nearing the elevators when I see two security officers coming out of one of them. They're going on and on about a girl they found on the roof. Right away I'm struck with worry. Had I been more conscious of her feelings perhaps I could have prevented this type of reaction.
Scooting by the officers is easy. They see me as patient, not someone who's on a mission to locate a distressed female who may or may not want to keep going on after today.
I take the elevator to the top floor and notice I have to go on an uphill slope to get through the doors. I push through the tired muscle pain until the bright light from the rising sun hits me. Blinded for a few seconds, I begin to focus on a group of people surrounding Miley. She's crying and arguing with them about something. The moment our eyes lock she freezes. I push my chair closer. "What's going on?"
"Baz, I wasn't trying to jump. Tell them I'm fine. Please."
I recognize one of the shrinks who meets with me on occasion. "Mr. Zakins, your friend was found on this roof. We've been led to believe she has intent to harm herself."
I can't explain why words won't come out, or when they finally do what's being said. "She's upset with me. I've been looking everywhere for her."
"And do you feel Ms. Rose needs further evaluation?"
I nod. "Yeah. Maybe."
"Can one of you help Mr. Zakins back to his room while I take care of my patient?"
Her patient.
It's all I can think of. Had we been seeing the same doctor this whole time? It's pretty whack, not that it matters. All I care about is knowing Miley is going to be okay. I'm being pushed toward the door before I'm able to speak to Miley. Placing my hands over the tires, I halt our movement. "Hang on. I need to know if my friend is going to be okay?"
"She's going to be under a suicide watch for the next three days. Dr. Lucas is her doctor. She's in the best hands."
It's my fault. Miley came up to the roof because I let her down. Up until this moment I wasn't positive her feelings for me were genuine, and now I know the truth. The feelings between us are more powerful than pity can create. We're connected, and now I'm sure she's never going to want to talk to me again.
Chapter 30
Miley
They have this all wrong. Yes, I was upset. Yes I was on the roof, but I wasn't trying to hurt myself. I just wanted a quiet place where I wouldn't be disturbed. Now I have doctors up in my face telling me I was endangering myself and that I have to be evaluated again.
Another seventy-two hour watch, and I'm afraid Dr. Lucas will make me start over with the program. This is a catastrophe. I never should have visited Baz. I've been a fool to assume we could figure things out. I knew it before he showed up on the roof.
Why was he there? Why would he come looking for me? Did he feel guilty? Did he care about my feelings now that it's too late to make a difference?
How could he sit there and say I was capable of hurting myself after our conversation? Is that what he got out of it? He thinks I want to give up because the going gets tough?
I'm more angry than I am upset. I've come a long way in a short amount of time. I opened my heart and feel as if I've been burned.
He sat there, looked me right in the eye and told the doctor I might have wanted to end my life. I poured my heart out to him. He knows I wouldn’t do that again. I promised him he was my reason for wanting to live.
Dr. Lucas doesn’t come in until I’m situated in a room. I can tell from the look on her face that she’s disappointed in me. “What happened, Miley?”
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I know you think I was, but you’re wrong. I’m not going to throw myself off a building for goodness sake. I just wanted a quiet place to think. That’s all it was.”
She crosses her arms and folds them against her chest. “What happened this morning? Start from the beginning up until you get to when I walked through those doors.”
Hesitantly, I take a deep breath and begin. “Baz is supposed to get out of the hospital today, so I wanted to see him, to at least say goodbye. Even though I was scared, I went through with it. I need
some kind of closure. Honestly, I saw it playing out a lot different than it did. I thought he’d tell me he made a mistake and that he wanted to be friends again.”
“He wasn’t happy to see you?”
I shrug. “Not exactly. It wasn’t a terrible visit. He didn’t order me out like last time. It was the things he said though, stuff about not being able to forgive me. He mentioned not knowing if my feelings were genuine or fabricated out of pity for what I’d done and lied about.”
“You had to expect that.”
“I did,” I say with a nod.
"Being rejected can lead to numerous manic states of depression."
"I'll admit I'm upset, but in no way shape or form and I going to sit here and lie about killing myself. You're implying I'm not in control and I am. I'm just sad. You've been sad before, and no one comes in suggesting the worst case scenario. Frankly, it's bullshit. It's like saying I'm incapable of change. If that's so, then why even have this program?"
"Miley, I understand your frustrated, but it's my job to question your activity. It's for your own safety."
I run my hands through my matted hair and sigh. "Whatever. Assume the worst."
"Your hostility says otherwise."
I'm not trying to mock my doctor. I'm simply trying to make a point. "Am I really going to be stuck here for the next three days?"
She takes a moment to think about it. "Actually, I'd like you to head back to the dorms. I'll make sure the cafeteria manager knows you'll report for work first thing in the morning."
"Come on. I need to save money."
"Miley, I'm breaking the rules already. Please take the rest of the day and calm down. If you need something to help you sleep I can have the pharmacy send over a prescription."
"I'm fine," I rudely reply.
Wave Page 12
