"Go on. We can skip the paperwork and save this room for another patient. Check in with the nurse on duty when you arrive. I'll page her and make sure she knows what's going on."
"I'm sorry. I know you're upset with me, but I just wanted some air."
"Most people don't stand on the edge of a roof for air."
"I wanted to see how far down it was."
She doesn't believe me.
"Why would Baz do that to me?"
"Mr. Zakins seemed concerned for your safety."
"Yeah, he actually thinks I'd kill myself because he rejected me. He's hot, but not that hot."
"You and I both know you're feelings extend beyond physical attraction."
I fidget, because I'm uncomfortable. "You got me there."
"Sarcasm doesn't look good on you, Miley. I can tell you're hurting, and I wish..."
Someone wheeling into the room interrupts us. Not expecting to see him again, my stomach is in knots by the time our eyes meet.
"Mr. Zakins, does your doctor know you're roaming the halls?"
"Exercising. Besides, I'm out of here in a couple hours. I'll be free man."
She looks from me then back to Baz. "Why don't I let you two talk?" Her next comment is directed to me. "I'll see you back at the dorms later."
I nod and wait for her to leave before giving Baz my attention. "You're a dick!"
He holds his hands up. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say. Why else would you have gone up there?"
"To be alone you jackass, not jump to my death. Wow. You must have some kind of God complex.”
“God complex?” I hear a guffaw come out before he continues. “Miley, you and I both know you’re being ridiculous. You’re mad because I won’t forgive you. Do you blame me? How can I believe a word out of your mouth?”
It hurts. It cuts like a knife tearing into my heart. “You can believe me, because with the exception of the one lie you know about, I’ve always told the truth. My feelings for you are real. That’s why I needed to be alone. You hurt me. I just wanted to reach out before you were gone and I never got to see you again. Instead you treated me like I was someone you could go your whole life without seeing again. I don’t expect you to love me, or be supportive, but you didn’t have to throw me to the dogs. You said you wish you never met me.”
He’s shaking his head and flashing me that disapproving glare. “I did not.”
“Yes, you did.”
“No. I said I wish this never happened.” He points to his neck. “This, not you.”
“I’m a part of it.”
“It’s still not what I meant.”
My arms are crossed over my chest and a huff creaks from my lungs. “The damage is done.”
Baz wheels himself closer to the bed. “Are you going to give me your number this time or misconstrue more of my words?”
Feeling like a complete moron, I struggle with how I’m supposed to convince Baz I’m not a raging lunatic. The fact that he’s still interested in my phone number is shocking. “Now you know why I don’t have friends.”
“I’m not going to sit here and do this with you, Miley. You want me to feel sorry for you, and you’re pissed that I’m still reserved to hold a grudge.”
“I’m not pissed. I’m sad. I’m mad at myself for making irrational decisions that end up hurting other people. I’m hurting, because for the first time in forever I care about someone I’m bound to lose. It’s like a never-ending circle. I swear, today on that roof, I wasn’t going to jump. The thought never crossed my mind.”
“I’m angry too. I opened up to you. I told you things I never trusted anyone else with. Your lie wasn’t some little twist of the truth. You kept something important from me and let me fall for you. It was deceitful and it hurts. It fucking sucks, Miley.”
I keep telling myself I’m not going to cry. I’m going to sit up straight and take his accusations like I deserve them, but it’s impossible. I hurt him. He’s hurting me. It won’t stop. “I know.”
“Well I’m not leaving this hospital today without having a way to reach you. I’m pissed right now, but I know I’m going to miss you. It’s going to be hard doing this primarily alone. I can’t depend on Max and his dad. It’s not fair.”
“I’m only in the program for a month. I could help, I mean, if you want me to.”
“What I want is to go back to the way things were before. I just don’t know how to get there.”
He’s right. It’s not simple. He may never get over this, but I won’t know unless I give him the space he needs, while offering to be around when and if he changes his mind. “I’ll give you my number. If you need me you’ll know how to reach me. If you don’t, I won’t come looking for drama.”
When our eyes meet I see compassion. He has to know I’d do anything to make things right. I’d like to assume he knows I wouldn’t have hurt myself today, because I have a lot of work to do before I can feel whole again. He’s just the first component of the healing process. The rest has to come from me.
Chapter 31
Baz
Everything I accused Miley of doing to me, I’m now doing to her. Out of pity I caved and had to make things right. I couldn’t stand being responsible for her downfall. She’s trying to convince me she wasn’t going to do anything crazy, but I don’t believe her. In fact, at the moment I’m incapable of trusting her instincts.
My feelings for her remain and continue to grow, even when I wish they wouldn’t. I’m mad at myself for wanting to help someone who can’t fully help themselves. For the time being, our friendship is all I can offer her. Until I can figure out how I’m going to manage on my own with my injuries, my focus has to remain on my recovery and not her mental state. In order for me to concentrate, I have to know Miley is okay. Oddly enough, I feel obligated to be her moral compass. Maybe it’s all guilt. At this point, I’m tired of being distracted. Her visit caught me off guard and I wasn’t in the right state of mind to be able to comprehend what my responses would do to her.
A couple hours later I’m maneuvering into the passenger side of Koani’s historic International Scout. It’s hard to sit in the passenger seat with the halo fixed to my head. The bumps on the way to the house are the most uncomfortable and horrendous experience I wished I’d never have to go through again. I’m in agony by the time we pull in the driveway.
The one story house sits off the beach, and is remote compared to the surf shop, which is within walking distance on the same property. The approximate nine-hundred square foot home isn’t ideal for three grown men, but I’m appreciative for them to consider me family and offer me a place to live. We’re all aware it’s going to be difficult, but we’ll make the best of it.
I don’t mind sharing a bathroom, or doing what I’m able to help out around the place. Each day I’m supposed to walk around and get in the habit of doing away with the wheelchair. The doctor said not to use it unless it’s necessary.
When we walk inside I notice the furniture has all been rearranged. The couch and chairs, which were always situated around a large coffee table are now spread out and against opposing walls. The coffee table is gone, leaving the center of the room wide open. They did this for me. Koani and Max follow me into the room and get me seated on the couch. They take the spaces across from me and point to a sketch book with a set of pencils on top of it. “We thought you might want to start designing some graphics for the new boards. Dad says he’ll pay you commission on every sale.” Max seems excited, while I can tell Koani is just trying to do what’s right.
“You don’t have to create a job for me. I won’t be like this forever.”
Koani claps his hands together. “Look, Baz, there’s a chance you may never get an opportunity to surf again. We just think it would be better if you had something else to fall back on instead of what you were doing before. It would be a better career for you.”
It’s a blow to my ego and optimism. I’d like to think we were all hopeful I’d be back
to my normal self, but somehow I can tell they don’t share my enthusiasm on the topic. Since I’m grateful for my second family, who’ve shown me more compassion than I’ve ever received from my blood relatives.
Thinking about them weighs heavy on my heart. By the time the sun sets, and the guys have settled in for the night, I’m consumed by thoughts of my grandma. I wonder if she’d want to know about my accident, or if she’d even care that I almost died. Safe to say, I know a phone call could either be the comfort I desperately need, or a waste of my time.
Deciding to wait and see how I feel in the morning, I sit in a dark room and feel restless. So much is weighing heavily on my mind, and my heart. Truth be told, I’ve never felt this alone before. I feel like I’m a constant burden and now that I’m home things will only get more frustrating.
I think I stare at Miley’s number for nearly twenty minutes before sending her a text message.
How are you? It’s Baz. – B
Been better. Upset about earlier. Wish I’d just stayed away. Feel like a fool. – M
Don’t. I would have done the same thing. – B
I wish we could have met under different circumstances. – M
We did. I hit on you on a beach. – B
And I declined because you were a shallow prick. – M
I laugh. She’s right. Maybe I gave up too easily though.
I think we should just have sex and get it over with. – B
There’s a long pause between the time she reads the message and a reply comes through.
Are you allowed to have sex? – M
My dick isn’t broken. It’s neglected. – B
Why don’t you call one of your girls to fix the problem? – M
You are my island girl. – B
There’s another break between a response. When I finally get a message back I’m left completely turned on.
First a picture comes through. Her lips are puckered, and her hair is spread out over a pillow she’s laying on. Cleavage catches my eye when I notice the low cut tank top that her breasts seem to appear like their popping out from the way she’s holding the camera.
It’s been a while for me, longer than I’m used to. With Miley it’s not just about sex appeal. There’s something uncharted between us, and it involves a lot of feelings I’ve yet to understand. Being with her not only excites me, but is terrifying at the same time.
Her text leaves me smiling. It’s short and meant to gauge my sense of humor.
Bathroom material. – M
So, does that mean no sex? – B
It’s to hold you over until we can see each other again. – M
In that case, I miss you already. Want me to call an Uber? – B
I’m not allowed to leave. – M
Can I visit? – B
Desperate much? – M
For a piece of you, YES. Hell yes. – B
The longer you wait, the better it will be. – M
That’s bullshit. The longer I wait, the faster I’ll blow. True story. – B
I work at the hospital tomorrow morning. After that I’ll try to sneak away. I’ll be in trouble, but you’re worth it. – M
Are you sure? – B
I’m sure I don’t want to waste anymore time wondering and waiting. I want a new start, and you’re the reason. We owe it to ourselves to see where this goes. – M
Tomorrow then. Hit me up. – B
I wait a few seconds and send another message.
Want a dick pick to see what you have in store for you? – B
I’d rather be surprised. – M
Smirking, I finally sit my phone down. It’s the conversation I need to relax and get some sleep. Up until now I’ve been confused about Miley, but she’s right. We can’t keep avoiding each other when there’s something between us. The sex part is just an added bonus.
Chapter 32
Miley
I feel like I’ve been waiting for this moment for months. Officially it’s our first date, or booty call, which is more like what I’m expecting. Baz has made his intentions clear. He wants to hook up and I’m not against it. In fact, the thought of being intimate with him excites every inch of me. We’ve had an emotional connection since we first met, so I can’t deny my curiosity about a physical relationship.
I’ve made a lot of terrible decisions, but all of them have led me to this point. I have no idea how in the world Baz thinks we can have sex with that giant metal halo attached to his head, but just being able to be alone with him seems like it will lead us to that result.
Unlike Baz, I’m not confused about how I feel. My heart is full when I consider a possibility of a new relationship with him, even if it’s against Dr. Lucas’ strict rules for my recovery. My only apprehension regarding the situation is the fact that it may not be mutual. He may not feel the same, and as much as I’d like to think I could handle it, I know it will hurt.
After my shift at the hospital, I grab a taxi to surprise Baz. He’s given me his address, but made plans to come and see me later on. Feeling like a surprise will cheer him up, I’m eager to arrive and spend some much awaited alone time with him.
It’s terrible to accept that I’ve lived in Hawaii for over two months and never been able to explore. The destination where I’m headed leads us through the most beautiful sights. When we start getting closer to the coast I know we’re almost there. Baz has described the home several times, so I know what to look for. There are two mailboxes at the end of the dirt road. One is for the residence and the other for the business. The whole island is green, covered in a tropical array of trees and plants. There's always a light breeze and the bluest skies I've ever laid eyes on.
When we pull up in front of the house I notice a couple things reassuring we're at the correct address. On the small front porch sits a couple surfboards. Instead of the windows having shutters, they've been replaced with old surfboards. The light yellow color of the exterior lends itself well to the beach feel.
Before I can take in more of the surroundings, I pay the driver and step out from the vehicle. Baz is a sight for sore eyes, standing on the opposite side of a screened door. A wide smile is plastered across his face. I'm not used to seeing him on his feet. He's slow to open the door and leans most of his weight on a cane. "Are you supposed to be up and getting around when no one is home?"
"I got bored." As soon as he's able, Baz pulls me into his arms and holds me in a much needed hug. I've rested my head on his chest before while sitting with him. We've kissed a ton of times when I came to visit his hospital room, but this embrace is new and much appreciated. I bring my head above the first metal brace that’s level with his chin. He still has the hard shelled chest contraption that happens to be part of the halo, but it’s sort of formed to his body enough he can wear a shirt over it.
His exposed arms come up around the back of me, and for the very first time he’s able to hold me. My hands are flat against his back, my eyes closed while I’m consumed with happiness.
“This is worth the trouble I’m going to get in.”
We part, his alluring eyes fixated on mine. “You didn’t ask permission?”
With a shake of my head I gracefully fall back into his welcoming arms. “It was an impulsive decision. I don’t want to talk about it, or that place, or the hospital.”
“I wish I could kiss you while standing up.”
We both laugh. It’s impossible. In order for me to kiss him I have to turn my head to the side and slip it in between the bars of the halo. It’s why we’ve never made out before. “I think you shouldn’t be on your feet this long anyway.” I take him by the hand and lead him inside the home.
It’s obvious a bunch of men live here. There’s no sign of a woman’s touch. Tools are covering the small round kitchen table, and there are more surfboards rested against the wall in the far corner. It smells like fried food and musk, which sort of makes me feel as if I’m on a cheap date at a sub shop.
Once Baz is seated
on the sofa, he pats on his thighs. “What are you waiting for? Jump on up here.”
“Just like that? Shouldn’t I take my clothes off first?”
He places both hands above his head and stretches the best he’s able. “I mean, if you want to get it over with, sure. I figured I’d at least have to persuade you a bit before you put out.”
This banter is normal. He’s flirtatious and confident. It’s a quality I’m envious of. There’s something about the way he looks at me that tells me he’s teasing. As indecent as he makes himself sound, I know there’s a charming guy inside he’s never let out before.
I’m infatuated by the idea of being with him. God knows we’ve talked about being alone too many times to count. I peer into his lustful eyes and know I’m never going to want to leave. “How long do we have before someone comes home?”
“They’re just down the beach at the shop, but usually don’t come back until after noon. They’ll eat lunch and head back.”
I climb on top of his legs, carefully making sure I’m not causing him discomfort. When my hands are on his shoulders I feel his arms coming around my waist. “Is this okay?”
“It’s more than okay. I’m already getting hard.”
I giggle, but half expect he’s telling the truth. “So, how do you want to do this?”
He takes my hands and brings my fingers to his lips, kissing them together. “If you think you came here to sleep with me you’re mistaken.”
“But you…”
He stops me from talking. “For the first time in months I’m able to walk around on my own. It’s tough, but I’m determined to push myself to the limit. We are going to take a stroll to the beach and dip our feet in the water. It’s going to wash away all the bad and give us a clean slate.” He’s still holding one of my hands. “What do you say, Miley? Care to venture down the beaten path with me?”
“I’ll do anything you want me to.” I’m putting my trust in Baz. The water has always been a vice for me. It represents my sister, danger, and most recently a near death experience. It’s dangerous and terrifying, but somehow I know we need to do this together.
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