by Anna Antonia
The penthouse was quiet. It was the silence of a time before Victoria. It was a silence that once soothed Adrian. He didn’t know it then, but it was the silence of privacy, of not having to hear the incessant chattering of a self-involved, shallow, and pampered companion.
He hated it now that he knew better.
This sound wasn’t silence. It was oppression.
Wandering around his home, Adrian searched for the ghost of his kitten. All of her things were gone except for the designer clothes filling her walk-in closet and the cases of jewelry he’d bought her. He didn’t know that until much later after she left.
Maybe things would’ve unfolded differently if he had realized it earlier.
Hours ago Adrian had assumed that Victoria would definitely be back when she walked to the door empty-handed. Mistakenly he’d thought that she just needed time to cool off. He knew he did. When Victoria came back he would ask her to explain why she’d gotten so upset with him for doing as she and her family wished.
He had assumed the next minutes of his life wrongly.
“I’ve already moved all my stuff out. Not that there was much of it. I thought I was overreacting, but I guess I wasn’t. Better prepared than sorry.” She looked away from him, but he could see her eyes blinking rapidly. She cleared her throat. “You don’t have to worry about me coming back here again.”
Adrian threw his hand up in the air, thinking her words were a ploy to get him to capitulate to her will. He’d had others manipulate him like that before. He had the same level of patience for it now as he did then.
Zero.
Betrayal burned him to know Victoria wasn’t above playing the same dirty tricks. “Whatever you say. Whatever. You. Say.”
Her face crumpled for too brief a moment. “Wow. After all these months, this is all we have left to say to each other?”
“Sure. Why not?”
She whispered his name, but Adrian looked at her in disgust before stalking out of the room. Not once did he take her words seriously. It was only when he came back to the living room an hour later did he see the house keys she left on the coffee table.
Fear sluiced through his resentment.
Until that point, Adrian had stewed in his self-righteousness. He’d focused on his side of their argument, bitter with the repeating question of how could Victoria have behaved that way towards him?
She had been completely thoughtless towards his feelings. He had agreed to marry her to make her happy and she had acted as if he had dumped a bucket of dirty water over her head.
Adrian paused. He hadn’t exactly asked her to marry him, had he? He replayed the scene in his mind. Unease settled in his gut. Was it the lack of a planned proposal that offended her so?
Perhaps Victoria saw it as a sign of disrespect. The more Adrian thought about it the more confident he was about why she had gotten so angry with him. Then he would think about how much it had personally cost him to capitulate to her wishes. Resentment built up and the repeating question would appear again.
Now all his justifications died.
The keys changed everything. They brought into focus just how much time he’d wasted nursing his resentments instead of seeing things from Victoria’s point of view.
She wanted marriage but she wanted marriage to him. And just because she wanted to get married didn’t mean that she didn’t expect or deserve a proposal befitting that of a princess.
Adrian thought of each night he had stayed away from her in the hopes of slipping into bed unnoticed. He thought of each wounded glance she gave him over dinner when she thought he wasn’t looking. Each additional memory brought a wince. He couldn’t believe at how poorly he had treated Victoria over the past month.
In his growing panic over what to do, Adrian had pushed away the only woman he had ever loved.
Adrian walked over to the coffee table in disbelief.
I love her. I love Victoria.
He picked up the keys and stared at them with horror.
Adrian loved Victoria and didn’t realize it until right at this very moment.
How could I be so stupid? So fucking, ridiculously, colossally stupid?
She was right. He had treated her like a houseplant. Worse—an unwanted pet. He’d treated her as a creature who had no other power but to stay at his whim and curry his favor.
Adrian closed his fist over the keys. The metal dug into his palm.
Victoria had shown her power. She wouldn’t accept anything less than what she deserved.
My kitten wasn’t playing a game with me. She wasn’t trying to manipulate me. She had been trying to talk to me and I blew her off.
Adrian dialed her number. It rang until her voicemail picked up. He dialed it again. And again. And again. He kept doing it for ten minutes straight.
Finally, Victoria answered. Her voice was hoarse, as if she’d been crying for hours.
“Hello?”
“Victoria! Don’t hang up. I’m so sorry for tonight.” Adrian heard a muffled sob. “Kitten, I didn’t understand. I’m sorry.”
“It can’t be undone.”
Panic grew in sickening waves. Adrian couldn’t have destroyed everything without knowing it. He just couldn’t have.
“Don’t say that.”
“I’m sorry, Adrian. I’m sorry but I can’t go back again. Not after knowing how you really feel about me.”
“Victoria, you don’t know because I never told you. I love you. I love you so much.”
She gasped and then “Oh, Adrian. I love you too.”
Relief beat a tattoo. He wasn’t going to lose her after all. Everything was going to be okay. He had said the right thing after all. Everything would go back to the way it was. They could be happy again, happier than before.
Victoria then let out a shuddering sob. “It’s because I love you that I can never go back.”
Adrian’s fist tightened around the phone. “You don’t mean that. Victoria, we both know you don’t mean that.”
“I do. Adrian, what we had between us was better than I could’ve ever dreamed. Thank you.”
“No!”
She sobbed again. The sound was like a repeated punch to his gut. Adrian never wanted to make her cry or let her down. He never wanted to hurt her. Ever.
“Victoria, this isn’t how it has to be. We can work this out. We can fix this. I can fix this—”
“Remember how you said you wouldn’t beg me?”
He slashed a hand through the air. “I shouldn’t have said that. I was wrong.”
“Keep your promise. Goodbye, Adrian. Please don’t call me again. And please, please be happy.”
The phone went dead. He looked at the screen in disbelief.
Midnight.
Adrian wished he could stop all the clocks in the world just so he wouldn’t have to suffer a new life without Victoria.
TWELVE
Adrian didn’t listen to Victoria.
He called every day for two weeks. When she wouldn’t return his calls after the first week, he’d taken to coming to the apartment. Jenny put a stop to it after two days.
“Come here again and she’ll put a restraining order on you. I’m sure the papers will love to splash that all over town. Can’t you just see the headlines? ‘Billionaire Stalker!’”
Apparently what she’d threatened had been enough. Adrian stayed away after that. His calls came to an end too.
Victoria was inconsolable when she heard what had happened. “How could have said that to him?” she screamed at a stone-faced Jenny. “I would never do that to Adrian! He didn’t deserve to be treated that way!”
“Is it over or is not? If not, then talk to him. If it is, dragging it out will only make things worse for both of you. Are you going back to him or not?”
Victoria’s answer was a warbled “Not,” even as her heart screamed otherwise.
It wasn’t because she didn’t want to, but how could she? Adrian’s secret thoughts about love and commitment
had come out. Even if she went back, Victoria would dread the march of days. She’d feel like she had an expiration date and she couldn’t live like that. Victoria couldn’t take the chance Adrian would come to his senses and toss her out the next time.
So she sobbed herself sick everyday while listening to Muddy Waters over and over again. She wanted to go back to that time when she’d first met him. If only she’d known that her days with him were so limited she wouldn’t have spent so much time letting “I love you” go unsaid.
Shaundra took to bringing her washcloths and sitting with Victoria in her darkened room. Just having her rub the cool cloth across her face made Victoria feel slightly better. The tears wouldn’t stop though.
“I know it hurts, baby girl. I know. But it will come to an end. No, don’t shake your head. One day it will hurt a little less. And the day after that will be better. And the one after that. Trust me. We’ve all been there.”
Victoria accepted the comfort but she couldn’t ever imagine this rawness ever going away. She’d lost a huge part of herself. Her rage visited her most strongly then. Victoria wished she’d never laid eyes on Adrian Hawthorne. If she hadn’t she wouldn’t know this kind of agony. Then her tears would give way and she’d sob uncontrollably for even thinking it.
The months she spent with him were the best months of her life. Nothing could take that away.
As she tossed and turned, Victoria would remember the tender way he held her as they drifted off to sleep. She believed she’d never be able to sleep again without remembering him.
Victoria would often hold her left hand up on the nights when infomercials dominated the television landscape. Her watery eyes would focus on her bare ring finger.
If he was going to ask me to marry him, why couldn’t it be because he wanted me that much?
Knowing the answer was because he didn’t want her at all, not really, would cause Victoria to then turn and scream into her pillow. If only that day wouldn’t have happened. If only it had turned out differently.
If only he’d had more faith in her…or she had less faith in him.
Victoria had put Adrian on a pedestal and now she was paying for it.
The girls took turns bringing Victoria food, but she could barely keep any of it down. She continued to drop weight until she’d lost about ten pounds. It wasn’t until the third week after the breakup that Krista came into her room after work, sat down, and then asked quietly, “When was your last period?”
“What?” she croaked from under the blankets.
“Think about it.”
Victoria shoved herself up against the headboard. She mentally counted the weeks and then stopped. Her wide gaze met Krista’s. She didn’t have to say it out loud. Krista patted her hand and got up from the foot of the bed.
“You need to take a test to know for sure.”
Victoria immediately cleaned herself up and headed down to the closest drugstore. She thought of taking the small box home, but didn’t want to wait. Ten minutes later she left the ladies restroom a changed woman. Victoria would have to verify the results with a doctor, but she already knew in her heart it was true.
She came back home to find her three roommates gathered in the living room. They turned as one to look at her expectantly.
“I’m pregnant.”
Only the sound of the TV interrupted the collective silence that had descended upon them.
Jenny spoke first. “What are you going to do?”
“Do?” Victoria felt clear-headed for the first time since she left Adrian. She had a purpose and a goal now. “I’m going back home to North Carolina.”
“What about your job? Don’t you start in a week or so?”
Victoria had already decided on her course of action as soon as she’d left the pharmacy. “I’m not going to have my baby here, Jenny. It’s too much for me here. I’m moving back permanently and I’ll find a job there. I’m sure the Research Triangle Park has plenty of positions for me to take.”
No one tried to talk her out of it.
Shaundra asked softly, “What are you going to tell Adrian?”
“Adrian? I can’t even think about him.”
Her eyes widened. “You mean not now but later. He has to know, right?”
Victoria smiled in answer. It was the kind of smile that meant whatever the recipient wanted it to be. At this minute, the only person she cared about was the unborn baby nestled safely in her tummy.
Which meant the time for grieving over Adrian had to come to an end.
She had to figure out what to do and how to do it first before she could include Adrian. Her hand hovered over her belly. It seemed fantastical to believe that they had made a little baby together.
A part of him is inside me. What’s going to happen when I tell him?
Her wondrous grin faded. Adrian had only asked her to marry him because he thought it was what she wanted, strange as it was. Even if she’d said yes, he would’ve eventually regretted that decision. If she came to him now he’d probably muster the strength to throw himself on the marital sword, but Victoria didn’t want him in those circumstances.
She didn’t want to trap him and this wouldn’t seem to be anything other than a way to force him down the aisle.
Still, it’s his baby. He has a right to know.
Victoria definitely would tell him soon but only after she settled things in North Carolina. Maybe if he saw that she was being independent then he’d understand that she wasn’t trying to get married or trying to force him by her side.
Maybe then things would work out for them in the future. Victoria definitely wasn’t going to pretend that she wouldn’t want that.
First things first, she needed to develop a plan and then she’d come to him.
When Victoria went to bed that night she lay with both hands over her stomach. How did this miracle happen? Except for that first night, Adrian had used condoms all the way until she went on the pill and it was safe to abandon them.
But we all know abstinence is the only thing that’s 100%. Even though at the end there I qualified for the Immaculate Conception, it definitely had to have been before that.
Truthfully, it didn’t matter to Victoria. All that mattered was that she was going to be a mother.
I can’t wait until I can tell him. I wonder if he’ll be as happy as me. I hope so. I wonder what we’ll be having—a boy or a girl? Will he or she look like me or like him? If we have a boy I hope he looks like Adrian. If we have a girl I hope she gets to be tall like her daddy.
For the first time in weeks, Victoria went to sleep without tears staining her pillow.
***
After Adrian got the report that Victoria had left for North Carolina his whole world went dark. She was gone and there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about it.
Everything about Adrian sharpened with that realization. If he wasn’t working in the office until well past midnight, then he was working out in the evenings and then again in the mornings until exhaustion overtook him. Adrian kept his focus on the next deal so that he wouldn’t have to focus on the fact that Victoria wasn’t in his life anymore.
Nothing helped him on that front. Everything was a reminder of his kitten. A burst of feminine laughter in the hallways, a head of glossy dark hair ahead of him on the sidewalk, the scent of vanilla—all of it was Victoria.
Adrian was going mad with longing.
So he redoubled his efforts. More work, more physical punishment, more money, Adrian did it all just to numb the pain in his heart.
And like beautiful sharks drawn to blood, females of his past acquaintance circled about. The more he ignored them, the faster they chased him.
Adrian wasn’t the slightest bit tempted.
He wanted the impossible. He wanted Victoria back. Anything less didn’t bear contemplating.
But she’s never coming back. We broke up. Breaking up is always permanent. I never go back to my exes. Why would she make an exception for me?<
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Even though he logically understood why she wouldn’t take his calls or see him, Adrian couldn’t deny that it hurt that she wouldn’t tell him herself. Having her roommate threaten him with a restraining order had been humiliating. Every time he thought of it Adrian felt as if his head was going to explode.
He had never, ever chased after anyone that way. He had never cared enough about anyone to chase after them that way.
Despite the burn of humiliation, Adrian saw the threat as a necessary wakeup call. So he withdrew and didn’t allow himself to think of Victoria until he was safe from doing anything stupid like going to her apartment again.
For all his flaws, Adrian was not a stalker or someone to be feared.
Late at night, on the cusp of passing out from sheer exhaustion, only then was it safe to think about Victoria. And if the agony of missing her was too much, it was still better than the numbness Adrian felt the other twenty hours of the day.
Even so compartmentalizing became increasingly difficult to perform about a month after their breakup. Victoria couldn’t be dropped in her labeled box and dealt with later. She dominated his mind until he could barely function. He finally stopped running so much when his fitted shirts became too loose and his pants hung too low on his hips.
Adrian absolutely refused to stop working his punishing hours, even when he had to take to carrying around handkerchiefs because of sporadic nosebleeds. Instead, he took to haunting the halls of his office when he couldn’t sleep.
Even though he knew Victoria was in North Carolina, Adrian couldn’t help but feel his heart jump in his chest every single time he saw a cleaner in a grey jumpsuit. He sat in their lounge and replayed the thousands of memories he had of Victoria. What he wouldn’t give to relive those months again! Adrian wouldn’t change a thing…well, except for two things.
He would’ve called her that fateful business trip and he wouldn’t have asked her to marry him.
Then everything could’ve stayed like it was.
Adrian even went to her old restaurant weekly just in the pitiful off-chance that he’d overhear someone mention her name or gossip about how she was doing.
And as always—nothing. Still, he kept going.
