by Anna Antonia
He positively itched with impatience from not knowing the thoughts coursing through her mind. Still he kept quiet.
Keep your thoughts clear. Wait for her to speak. Don’t rush it.
“This isn’t working anymore, is it?”
Adrian let out grunt because it was all he was capable of considering the agony those softly-spoken words detonated. He must’ve taken too long to reply because she looked at him with such intense sadness.
He mentally weighed his options before settling on innocent enough words. “Why do you say that, kitten?”
Victoria winced. Adrian clearly saw his reply wasn’t the one she’d wanted. He wished he could’ve denied it instead of assessing her. It was too late to undo the damage.
“Because of you. You’ve changed, Adrian, and I don’t understand why. Please help me understand.”
Adrian winced. He couldn’t deny it as much as he would’ve wanted to. Yet, he still didn’t know what exactly to say to keep her. Their simple happiness seemed like such a long time ago.
“It’s been really busy at work.” Adrian just gave up serious ground and put his entire position at a severe disadvantage. It was a pitiful excuse and it was obvious they both knew it.
“It’s always been busy at work, but you always made time for me. You don’t anymore. Not since my graduation.”
Adrian winced. “I still make time for you.”
“No you don’t,” Victoria contradicted softly. “You’re avoiding me. It’s like I’m not even here for you anymore. I’m a house plant for all the attention you show me. It hurts me when we lie in bed together and you’re fixated on your phone. It hurts worse when you stay locked up in your office until I can’t wait up for you any longer. It’s not work. It’s not you being busy. God knows I understand busy. But that’s not it with you. I feel it’s purposeful. Is it?”
Yes.
Adrian wasn’t fool enough to say it out loud. Somehow Victoria heard him anyways.
Her voice choked on a sob. “What’s wrong, Adrian? What did I do wrong? I can change—” She bit her lip as if to take back the words.
Guilt scorched right through him. He had to make it right with her. Adrian would do and say anything to take them back to the way they were before. Anything to freeze time to the instance when Victoria looked at him as if he was her dream come true.
“Kitten, you didn’t do anything wrong. Never.”
His answer apparently didn’t soothe her worries. If anything she grew more agitated. “Then why did you change? Why are you so far away from me?”
Adrian had always known how to hide his reactions and discomforts. It was imperative in his world where even the slightest hint of emotion could affect a man’s bottom line.
He couldn’t do it this time.
Raking a hand through his hair, Adrian fought to find the correct words. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he wasn’t ready to share his fears about their unmapped future. He couldn’t tell her that the idea of marriage made his veins turn to ice.
He’d seen firsthand how hellish marriage could be for two people. A commitment to keeping appearances had doomed his parents and by extension, him and his brother. Never would Adrian want that for himself. Just the thought that one day Victoria would look at him the way his mother looked at his father…it was enough to send a shudder right through him.
“It’s been difficult for me, Victoria. Life is changing for us, for you, and I don’t want to stand in the way of your future. I want it to be right for us both.”
A frown knitted itself across her brow. “I don’t understand. How would you be in the way of my future? You are my future.”
His stomach dropped. He felt the dampness of his palms when he clenched his fists. “Victoria, don’t think that way. For your own sake, don’t put me in such a place of importance. I don’t deserve it.”
As soon as he spoke the words Adrian knew he had spoken his heart’s truth. How could he be that important when the idea of marriage, of making that permanent decision, scared him as nothing had ever before?
The color drained from Victoria’s face. She looked like a beautiful, broken doll. Her eyes condemned him yet her voice remained as soft as ever. “Tell me what I do deserve then. I’m curious. Obviously, it’s not your presence. It’s not your conversation. It’s not your body. It’s not your respect.”
“Victoria…”
She leaned forward. “Do I deserve a life without you? Is that what you have been preparing me for?”
Adrian dropped his gaze. He heard the quick intake of her breath. It was in that awful, lonely sound that he knew he had to make a decision. The only decision left to him.
***
Victoria studied the painfully quiet man across from her. She knew exactly how his dark hair fell across his brow at the end of a long day. She knew the bridge of his perfect nose. She knew the shape of his mouth. She knew every inch of his beautifully masculine body and had tasted much of it.
Yet, she didn’t know this man at all.
This stranger inhabited Adrian Hawthorne’s body. He carried the same timbre of voice. His eyes even gleamed the same beguiling shade of hazel. But this man wasn’t the one who had seen her as something special, something to be treasured. This man saw her as a burden. One he wanted out of his life.
Victoria found a way to be grateful for the night before. She’d cried all her tears then. Numb and drained enough to hold it together, she could at least keep a sense of dignity as her entire world unraveled.
“You don’t have to say anything else. I understand, Adrian.”
He looked at her blankly. Victoria’s lips curled into a bittersweet smile. It had been a beautiful dream. A fairytale is even. Now it was time to return to the real world.
In the real world, moms died of cancer before their twenty-third birthday and left their daughters with hazy memories of their hugs and kisses.
In the real world, dads died of heart attacks while their daughters still needed them to love and protect them.
In the real world, billionaire boyfriends didn’t love their working-class girlfriends forever.
“I guess there’s nothing left to say.” Victoria stood up. She smoothed her hands down her skirt. “I guess I’ll be on my way then.”
Adrian broke out of his stupor. He frowned in confusion. “Where?”
She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from spewing spite. Her numb façade cracked. Pain oozed where there should only have been quiet dignity. Clearing her throat, she answered simply, “Away.”
“Away where?”
Why was he making this harder for her? Did he want to see her break down? Was he truly that pitiless?
“Away from here. Just as you want.”
“No. That is not what I want. You’re misunderstanding me.”
“I’m not.”
“Kitten...”
“Don’t call me that. My name is Victoria.” She swallowed hard when she saw stunned rejection speed across his handsome face. She felt petty for saying it, but if Adrian didn’t want her he couldn’t call her that anymore.
It hurt too much.
“Victoria, I don’t want you to go anywhere. I want you to stay with me. Really, I do.” Adrian swallowed hard. His words came out halting and slow. “I know what you want. I know what you’re expecting. And I… I…Christ!”
He raked both of his hands through his hair and hung his head.
“It’s probably past time for me to do this anyways. It’s not like I can say that I haven’t lived well before now. I mean, no one could ever accuse me of living like a monk. So there’s nothing for me to miss, right? I like you well enough and I know you like me. Successful partnerships have been formed on a lot less. And we do like each other as people. Not just as lovers. Friends. We’re friends. I know we are.”
The beginnings of a headache formed. Adrian barely made any sense but she feared she knew where he was going. She prayed she was wrong, that it was going to be anything but a pr
oposal. Any other time Victoria would’ve been ecstatic to say “yes” and be his wife forever.
But not now and not like this.
Victoria tried to save the situation. “Maybe now isn’t the—”
“No! Now is the only time.” Adrian flung his head back. “All right. I agree.”
“Agree to what?”
Please, please don’t say it. Please, Adrian.
He stared at her. “I agree. I’ll give you what you want.”
Victoria trembled with the beginnings of supreme humiliation. How could he pin this whole debacle on her?
“Just exactly what do you think I want?”
Irritation edged his tone. “Come on, kitten. Pardon me. I mean, Victoria. I’m giving in as gracefully as I can. This is hard for me but I’m willing to go through it for you. Only for you.” He sighed when she remained silent. “You’re going to make me say it out loud, aren’t you?”
Victoria shook her head, not in answer, but in shock. This couldn’t be happening.
A crooked smile broke through his frown. It was the one she’d never been able to resist until now. “Thank you. At least you’re not that insensitive. God, I hope to never have to go through this again.” He stood up and walked over to her. Adrian reached for her hands. “I’m so glad it’s over. Now we can go back to our lives like normal, right?”
Victoria could barely feel his touch. No one had ever proposed to her before and it would appear that even now no one still had.
“Would you like to pick out your ring today? Price is no object, kitten. I can call you that again since you’re my fiancée, right?” he asked wryly.
She looked up. Her brittle words wiped off his smirk. “No. I’m not your fiancée and I’m not your kitten.”
Adrian frowned. He searched her gaze as if expecting to find she was joking with him. Whatever he saw made him angry enough to tighten his jaw. “What kind of game are you playing with me?”
Victoria knew her words were going to be hurtful, spiteful even, but she couldn’t rein herself in.
“That’s what I’m asking you. What makes you think this is what I want? What kind of ego do you have to even think that this was remotely close to what I want? A proposal from you is the last thing I want. Oh and trust me, the next time you propose to a girl make sure you don’t say the words that you’ve just said to me. You won’t get the results you’re looking for.”
“There won’t be a next time.”
Agony flared throughout her body. Some shameful part of her begged that she apologize to him. Victoria ruthlessly crushed it.
Adrian wasn’t finished. “How could you throw that back in my face? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to say those words to you?”
I’m not going to feel guilty about this. I’m not.
Victoria silently repeated the words over and over to herself. “And do you know how difficult it was for me to hear it? I imagine a man on the way to his execution would sound far more cheerful than you just did.”
Adrian let go of her hands and took several steps away from her, as if he couldn’t bear to touch her one second longer. Victoria had never seen him so enraged. She would’ve been nervous if she wasn’t so flaming mad herself.
“Pardon me for not following a Hollywood script. I didn’t know there was a right way and a wrong way to ask someone to be with you forever.”
She didn’t know what hurt worse—his anger to her reaction or that he gave his ‘proposal’ so little thought. Victoria wrapped her arms around her waist. “I never wanted this. I just wanted you.”
“Then what’s the problem, Victoria? You’ve got me. I’m yours. Shouldn’t this be cause for celebration?”
Perhaps it was wrong of her to think, but Victoria couldn’t help but wonder if she had a different station in life would Adrian have still delivered his proposal this way? If she had been a supermodel like the last one, would Adrian have arranged a private visit to the Eiffel Tower along with the release of a dozen doves instead?
Even now does he still see me as some poor cleaning lady? No. He never stopped seeing me that way. That’s what all the clothes and jewelry have been about. He’s just tried to hide my background and dress me up like someone of his social class because he’s been ashamed of me all this time.
Even this…proposal…was done quietly, without fanfare, like something for him to check off his list. Or something to hide because he has no intention of keeping it.
Why now?
The genuine confusion in Adrian’s face made Victoria so very sad. “You really don’t understand what you’ve done to me by saying this, do you?”
“Done to you? No, I don’t. I’ve given you what you want. I’ve gone against my entire way of life to do this for you. Why can’t you just be grateful?”
Victoria blinked back a hot rush of tears. “I thought you really understood me, Adrian, but you don’t. On one hand, you don’t treat me as someone from your world. But on the other hand, you think I’m like everyone else in your world.”
“What does that even mean? Make some kind of sense, please.”
His contempt made Victoria feel an inch tall. “You think I should be grateful for the chance of marrying a man like you. You think so little of me that you can come in here and practically tell me you’re sacrificing yourself to the burden of marrying me. You think so little of me that you honestly believe that I shouldn’t take offense at the insult you’ve just given me. The only way that can be square in your mind is if you think the promise of your money is all I would focus on.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! I know you’re not a gold digger. If you were, I would’ve never let you stay the night much less move in with me.”
His vehemence should’ve heartened her. At the very least he didn’t think that badly of her. But he still didn’t treasure her enough to put his heart and soul into asking her to marry him. Adrian just flung it at her, as if she just needed to be appreciative for his great sacrifice.
Maybe for him it was a sacrifice. Maybe she should’ve been grateful. Maybe.
But Victoria didn’t want a man to feel that marrying her was a detriment. She wanted someone who was ecstatic with the thought of joining his life to hers. What had just happened here was so far from that and Victoria couldn’t accept it.
Mournful, she focused her gaze back on his. “I thought you knew me, Adrian. You don’t know me at all and I don’t know you like I thought I did.”
Adrian fisted his hands. His jaw worked from the effort of keeping his voice calm. “I thought we always told each other the truth, Victoria. I thought honesty was something we both held as important.”
“There’s honesty and then there’s this,” Victoria pointed out tightly.
“What?” he spat. “What ‘this’ are you talking about?”
She turned away, unable to look at him for one second longer. “Why’d you offer to marry me, Adrian? I don’t think you really want to do it.”
Adrian growled in frustration. “Of course, I don’t! I’m doing it because it’s what you expect. You expect it and I want to keep you. If this is the price I have to pay then so be it. Besides, I don’t understand why you’re complaining. I’m the one giving up my freedom for a lifetime. I’m the one who should be complaining about this. I’m not so why are you?”
Victoria mentally staggered. She knew it was bad, but she never suspected it was this bad. Victoria felt as if Adrian had scooped out all of her insides and left her as a hollowed and broken shell.
“You jerk!” She dashed tears off her cheeks. “You’re so cruel, Adrian. I never knew that until today.”
“I’m a jerk? How can you even say that to me? I’ve never been cruel to you, Victoria. Not once have I ever treated you with anything less than full respect. And today I’ve tried to give you the highest respect possible and you’ve thrown it back in my face. If anyone’s cruel it’s you.”
Victoria’s shoulders slumped. She didn’t know what else to say or how else
to say it. Madly, she wished she could’ve wound back time to right before he came home. Victoria wished she could’ve shared her fears about his growing distance in another way.
Maybe she could’ve said something after dinner. Or maybe she could’ve wrote it down for him in a card or on pretty stationery. Everything they said to each other today had become twisted and malignant. It especially hurt deep in her soul because talking had always been easy for them and a way to bring them closer.
How do I stop this? Can I stop this or is it too late for us?
Adrian stalked over to her. His fingers, while gentle, refused to let go of her chin as he tipped it up. His gaze penetrated. Whatever he saw in her eyes caused his to go flat with disappointment and anger.
“Tell me your answer clearly. Are you marrying me or not? And remember—make sure you mean what you say to me. I won’t ask you again and I won’t beg you.”
Her heart hammered painfully. Victoria felt as if she could barely draw in enough breath. There would be no going back after this, but her conscience was clear.
She couldn’t keep him and despite what he said, Adrian was obviously ready to let her go. The love she couldn’t speak or even share demanded this of her. No matter how much it shredded her heart to say it.
She’d rather lose him than force Adrian to be with her out of some sense of misplaced loyalty. She loved him too much to ever do that to him. She’d never trap him.
Never.
Victoria reached out. Her palm cupped his cheek. His heat thawed her enough to remind her of all the beautiful memories he had created with her before this terrible month.
She thought back to the wonder of first bumping into this man. How excited she had been to see him for those first couple of weeks and every night since! Adrian had fulfilled her in every way imaginable.
He’d laughed with her, made love with her, and shown her a glittering world she never would’ve had hopes in seeing otherwise. Adrian had been everything to her and even though she’d never told him she loved him, Victoria had loved him every day with all of her heart.
“Not. I won’t marry you, Adrian.”
***
