Adrian

by Anna Antonia

  “It’s a good thing she can’t drive anymore then.”

  Victoria said with a catch in her voice, “Your mom just hastened the end of our relationship. Adrian isn’t the kind of man who wants to settle down. He loves his freedom more than anything else and being with me was like being in a cage. Becoming a father would feel worse for him. It would be like being buried alive for him.”

  “Is that why you didn’t tell him?”

  Victoria wished she could control the rebel tears rolling down her cheeks. “I didn’t get a chance to. I mean, I didn’t think I should tell him after all.”

  “Why not?” Kathy handed her a fresh tissue.

  Victoria wiped her eyes and then crushed the tissue in her hand. “I was outside of his building, where he lives, when I saw him with another woman.”

  “Oh no…”

  “That’s not the worst of it. He was talking to her. He told her how he’d never get married and having kids was the last thing in the world he wanted.”

  Kathy touched her on the leg. “Maybe he’ll feel differently once he knows it’s a reality. A lot of people say they don’t want kids until they have them.”

  Victoria shook her head. “I can’t take that chance.”

  “Do you think he’ll do something to you?”

  “Do something? You mean hurt me? No.”

  Relief flitted across her flushed face. “Good. I was beginning to worry. I mean, you’ve just been so unsure about telling him.”

  “Adrian was never violent to me in any way—just so we’re clear. It’s just I don’t want my child to have a father who rejects him or her. My baby will be better off having no father than one who’ll damage them that way.”

  “You can’t know for sure that he would do that, Victoria.”

  She stiffened. Despair and doubt crashed into her.

  Am I making the wrong decision right? Is it fair to any of us?

  “Victoria?”

  She coughed and cleared her throat. The world wobbled in a watery splash. “After hearing what Adrian said I just can’t take that chance. Maybe it’s wrong and maybe I’ll look back and see this differently, but I just can’t risk it.”

  Her stepmother remained silent for a long while before she then asked, “Are you really sure about this, Victoria? You know once you go down this road that you can’t go back.”

  “I know.”

  “We’ll support you no matter what, Victoria. You know that. I’m just saying that you can change it now before it’s too late.”

  It’s already too late to turn back.

  Victoria made her decision and she was going to live with it. No matter what.

  FIFTEEN

  Four years passed from the time Adrian and Victoria left each other on a bustling sidewalk and forever altered their lives.

  Adrian closed his heart off as he’d sworn. He came back from the Artic with a demeanor as unforgiving as the ice world he’d left behind. Completely focused on acquisition, Adrian took his financial empire to new heights. He worked his inner-circle relentlessly, but himself even more so.

  No deal was too difficult to close if he wanted it. Money had long lost its thrill, but with very little to occupy himself outside of work—why not focus on enlarging his net worth?

  After all, what else was he going to do with his time?

  Relationships simply didn’t happen in Adrian’s world. He saw his family during the obligatory holidays for an hour or two. Romantic encounters had less of a chance to hold his attention.

  Adrian did the bare minimum when it came to courting for sex. Dinner. Entertainment. A suite in a discreet hotel. No shopping trips. No jewelry. No credit cards.

  No sharing of my day, no cuddles on the couch, nothing that could be mistaken for caring. It’s just sex. Nothing else.

  Adrian would’ve thought it might make satisfying his physical needs more challenging now that the lure of his affection and largesse was gone. Adrian was wrong. It made it far easier than ever before.

  Despite making his intentions about relationships crystal clear, Adrian heard the whispers of past partners to temporary ones.

  “You should’ve seen him when we were together. Adrian was all about having a good time. He was so much fun! He’s so cold now. He never smiles. It’s a shame. All he needs is the right woman to change him back.”

  Adrian didn’t care to change back or change at all.

  It had taken him over a year before he’d been able to sleep with anyone besides Victoria again. After it was over, Adrian sat on the edge of the bed and felt his skin crawl with betrayal and disgust. Logically he understood there was no reason for him to feel it.

  That couldn’t stop his primal reactions. He’d gotten up and left the woman in the anonymous hotel room without another word. It’d taken another three months after that before he tried it again with a different partner.

  Eventually, Adrian found he could perform as long as he kept himself emotionally removed.

  If a woman found him too self-contained to be tolerated then she was free to make an assignation with someone else. Adrian didn’t make demands on a bed partner’s time or faithfulness and he expected the same courtesy in return.

  Going to bed with women he didn’t care about in the slightest was a pale copy of the intimacy he’d shared with Victoria and Adrian made no illusions about it. He recognized how vulnerable and unhinged loving his little kitten had made him. He simply had no interest in baring himself to another person like that ever again.

  Besides, the women Adrian bedded cared little for him beyond an ego-stroke and he cared even less about them. Once his physical needs were minimally satisfied, Adrian got up, arranged his pants, and left.

  Truthfully, hiring escorts would be a better fit for his lifestyle. He never got naked with whoever he was sleeping with at the time and he never, ever slept with her more than once in a given time. Only the possibility of scandal kept him from seeking the illicit arrangement.

  Keeping himself cut off emotionally was a lonely life. Empty. Soulless. Even so Adrian spent the majority of his limited free time alone. While it wasn’t much of a life, it was the one he was determined to live.

  ***

  Victoria carried on as countless generations of single mothers had done before her. She watched in fascination as her body expanded to accommodate the precious baby in her womb. She went to her prenatal checkups and read all the literature she could find at the library. She constantly read aloud to her child. She also played music with the earbuds pressed right against her tummy and sang when she was in the shower.

  Victoria took great care of herself, making sure she took her vitamins, ate healthy, and got as much rest as possible. Especially because she worked long hours at her job.

  Thankfully, her hard work was paying off. She’d already developed a reputation of being bright, dependable, and the kind of employee who didn’t need to be micromanaged. Her supervisors were mothers themselves, so they were extremely supportive of Victoria and her eventual maternity leave.

  She bought a small cottage with a sweet white picket fence after her probationary period ended. Victoria paid for the home in cash and she used Adrian’s money to do it.

  That didn’t sit completely well on her sturdy shoulders, but Kathy had been the one to defend and eventually win the case.

  “Adrian left that money for you in an account solely in your name for a reason. He wanted you to have it and with you carrying his baby, you need it.”

  Victoria crossed her arms. “Kathy, the baby and I can make do in an apartment. I don’t need any of his money. I can do this on my own.”

  “You won’t be able to afford more than a tiny apartment in a transient neighborhood with the wage you’re currently earning, Victoria. You’re going to end up spending too much in gas commuting back and forth between work, daycare, and home. That doesn’t even include insurance, formula, diapers, and doctor visits.”

  Victoria tapped her fingers on the kitchen count
er. “I see what you’re saying, but I can make it work. I know I can.”

  Her stepmother fixed Victoria with a glare that she hadn’t seen since her early teen years. “You want to martyr yourself, Victoria, you can go right ahead. But you don’t have just yourself to think about. There’s a time for pride and then there’s a time for you to swallow your pride in favor of your child. You’re already going to be a single mother. Don’t make your life harder than it needs to be just to make a point.”

  As much as Victoria would’ve liked to argue further—she just couldn’t.

  Kathy was right. Her child was already going to grow up without a father. She didn’t need to suffer financially for no good reason.

  Still, Victoria was Victor Montford’s daughter for a reason. She may have needed to depend on Adrian’s money for a few years to come, but that didn’t mean she needed to siphon off her child’s nest egg.

  Victoria kept careful track of the money she withdrew and set up a personal repayment plan which she funded every paycheck. Besides the house, she lived on her small salary. Her car was still the same one she drove in high school. Victoria shopped thrift stores and scoured online listings for inexpensive pieces of furniture that she could update with paint, hardware, and new fabric remnants.

  It was a busy but fulfilling time in Victoria’s life. Still, once she settled into bed with nothing to occupy her mind, it was then that all she had lost rose up to drown her.

  Victoria missed Adrian fiercely.

  At least once a day she wanted to call him, to hear his voice, and tell him everything that was going on in her life. She wished she could tell him about the latest sonogram or how she felt their baby move for the first time while in line at the grocery store.

  But she couldn’t.

  It hurt but Victoria had made her decision. She had to live with the consequences and make the best of her life without the love of her life.

  Eventually the fateful day arrived when she felt the first contraction and her life changed again. Victoria’s labor was long. The excruciating pain was nothing that she could’ve prepared for.

  Kathy had been by her side, holding her hand when she needed it, and Victoria had been so grateful that she hadn’t had to suffer completely alone. Still, when the contractions grew so bad that she could barely remember her name, Adrian’s name was the only one could sob out.

  After a series of long pushes, Victoria finally was able to hold her baby. Crying, but with a wide smile on her face, she was able to look into the beloved face of her child. In that moment, Victoria’s heart expanded past all barriers and pure love descended.

  Just as she was named after her own father, Victoria named her little daughter after her father and began the next chapter of her life.

  Victoria’s only regret was that Adrian couldn’t be there to share it with her.

  Thank you so much for Adriana. I’ll take care of her. She’ll always be loved and she’ll never want for anything. Even if I have to work my fingers to the bone. I promise.

  Those first few months were a precious bonding time between mother and daughter. Going back to work and leaving her daughter at daycare gutted Victoria, but she had to trust that she would survive the separation.

  And she did.

  Showered with unconditional love, Adriana grew like the proverbial flower. Milestones were celebrated and recorded in diaries, calendars, and on film. Victoria became a scrapbook junkie with Adriana the main focus of her books.

  Birthdays passed in a shower of pink, violet, and silver. Adriana’s inky hair grew from an adorable cap of curls to a silky wave that reached halfway down her back. She reintroduced Victoria to the wonder of the world and her laughter had the power to make everything wrong right again.

  And when the inevitable feelings of sadness came to wash over Victoria, she let herself feel it but only at night and only when Adriana was asleep in her crib and later her big-girl bed. During those long lonely nights, Victoria found writing in her journal therapeutic as well as filming her thoughts when she couldn’t sit still long enough to write.

  She talked to Adrian during those sessions, telling him all the little things that their daughter accomplished for the day and how proud he would be if he knew how sweet of a girl she was.

  Every now and then she’d also share how much she loved him and always had. Those were usually the hardest nights to go to sleep without needing her memories of Adrian and a vibrator.

  Once a week, Victoria scanned her journal pages and uploaded her footage before compiling it into an ongoing series of files chronicling Adriana’s life. Even though she knew she would most likely never see Adrian again in this lifetime, something drove her to make this record. Maybe it wasn’t really for his benefit or hers, but for Adriana’s.

  Not now when she was just a little girl who calmly accepted that families were different and that’s why she only had her mommy and not her daddy. But for later when she was a grown woman who wanted to know why her father didn’t know of her existence.

  Victoria trembled from the thought of having to be confronted by her daughter’s fury. Not telling Adrian had been a rough, but manageable, theory when Adriana was in her womb.

  The reality of her silence was much different after Adriana was born. Victoria constantly questioned her decision, wondering if she hadn’t tried hard enough to tell Adrian or if she had been a coward and ran away instead.

  The question haunted her, but she did what she did best. She worked.

  She worked tirelessly at being the best mother she could be.

  She worked relentlessly at being the best employee she could be.

  Victoria knew that eventually it was all going to catch up to her, but she was determined to fortify her walls and keep it at bay for as long as she could.

  What else could she do? This was the life she’d chosen.

  SIXTEEN

  Victoria looked around her as she stepped out of the cab. The city’s frenetic pace hadn’t changed in the four years since she’d been back. After so many years living and working at The Triangle, better known outside of North Carolina as Research Triangle Park, Victoria found the crowds to be a bit claustrophobic.

  “Being in that city is like have a hundred people all trying to stand in the same spot. Madness,” was what Grandma McKinnon declared when she heard that Victoria was going there for a conference.

  But of course, Victoria had only heard that through her stepmother because Grandma McKinnon wouldn’t dare say it to Victoria herself. She had merely smiled and patted her hand. “You be safe now and come back to us as soon as you can.”

  Victoria shook her head wryly just thinking about Kathy’s mother. The elder McKinnon still had yet to apologize for the words that had driven a premature end to Victoria’s relationship with Adrian. However, she’d always been eager to babysit with Kathy and always packed a tin full of treats every time Victoria picked up Adriana.

  Thinking about her sweet daughter, Victoria suffered the tug of homesickness and wished she could feel the comforting weight of her toddler in her arms. Adriana was her entire world and everything Victoria did she did for her daughter.

  Including going to a conference 400 miles away when she’d much rather sit in her daughter’s cheerful playroom and craft pictures strewn with glitter, buttons, and feathers.

  Victoria’s mind remained on Adriana while she checked into her hotel and settled into the room. It was hard to believe that her little girl was already three. Just thinking about her put a happy smile on Victoria’s face.

  Adriana loved animals, the koi fish in their little pond, the quarter moon but not the half moon, peanut butter sandwiches, and The Rolling Stones. She loved her preschool and especially loved her karate class. She loved her mommy, her grammie, her aunties, and her super-grammie.

  Victoria’s daughter was love itself.

  She was also a daily reminder of the man Victoria had loved and lost. With a headful of long, dark hair, a button-nose, and heavily-
lashed hazel eyes like her father’s, Adriana promised to grow into a beauty. A tall beauty at that. She was already over half Victoria’s height and becoming harder for her to carry.

  Even so she’s still my little girl and always will be—even if she ends up topping out at over six feet by the time she’s five. I’ll just figure out a way to strap her to my back.

  Victoria left her suitcase packed and on the foot of the bed. She’d take care of it later this evening after the conference. Gathering her notepad and purse, Victoria gave herself a quick look and then went downstairs to the ballroom.

  The conference promised to be noteworthy and Victoria was ready to write away.

  Hours later she emerged from the meeting space with a cramped hand. Victoria really looked forward to going to the nearest art supply store and picking up a pack of origami paper. Adriana would undoubtedly love the beautiful designs and have no problem finding a way to incorporate them into her collages.

  Cheered and energized by the thought of her little girl’s happiness, Victoria went back to her room to trade her heels for flats. The store was ten blocks away and she rather relished the walk after spending five hours cooped up studying the newest regulations affecting GAAP in her field.

  It wasn’t quite spring so she needed a coat, but Victoria turned out to be quite comfortable during her brisk walk. As she passed familiar sights, she thought back to the naïve girl she’d been when living here. Back then she thought all she needed to do was work like a mule and that one day all her efforts would be rewarded.

  Financially, that had been true.

  Yet, emotionally it had been far from true.

  Hard work hadn’t been enough to keep her prince and hard work still wasn’t enough to keep her from thinking about him.

  Victoria still missed Adrian.

  She missed him when she woke up in the morning. She missed him when she went to bed. It was nothing like the sharp, piercing agony that had rendered her breathless four years before. Victoria’s yearning was more like an ever-present drone in background of her life of getting her daughter up in mornings, getting dressed, driving her to her preschool, going to work, and then doing it all in reverse.