Obsession (Endurance)

by McClendon, Shayne

  I focused on my stomach, afraid to meet the eyes of anyone in the room. Theresa lifted my shirt to just under my breasts and smeared goo on my slightly rounded abdomen. A wide wand was run over me and after thirty seconds Theresa smiled, leaning over to raise the volume of the machine. A clear heartbeat sounded in the room. I jumped so hard I thought I’d knock Theresa off the bed.

  “Everything is normal. So far so good, Ellie; excellent size, normal growth. Look at that, you’re turning for me. What a good baby. It’s a girl, definitely a girl, Ellie.”

  “It’s a little girl?” I whispered and Theresa nodded with a smile. “A little girl. I…I like that…better, I think.” My parents understood. The chance a little boy would grow up to look like his birth father was a little too much to think about.

  Theresa took several measurements and said, “Ellie, I’d like to do an amniocentesis to make sure there are no other issues but I think you’re tracking for a normal pregnancy and delivery.”

  I told her to go ahead and she had Adam hold the ultrasound wand while she inserted a long needle into my belly and withdrew a vial of the murky water surrounding the baby in my uterus. “This will help us determine if there are any abnormalities, Ellie but I don’t foresee anything.”

  When it was done, Adam rushed to wipe my stomach which made me fist my hands on my bed. “Adam, please let Theresa do that.”

  “Oh, I don’t mind, almost done.”

  “Adam!” I was shocked at the harsh screech my voice instantly became. “Please do not touch me.” Seeing his stricken expression, I tried to soften it, “I don’t like to be touched. Please understand.”

  As if a light went on, he gave a soft, “Oh…yes. I’m sorry.”

  Theresa took over cleaning me up and gave me a hug. Within a few minutes, she and Adam were gone and my parents sat side by side on the bed. Mom picked up my hand, “Are you alright, honey?”

  “I…I almost struck him, Mom. I wanted to claw out his eyes. I barely stopped myself.”

  She nodded in complete understanding. “We all realize the stress you’re under. I’m fine with sending him away and I’ll find Theresa another assistant, a female.”

  “No, that’s giving my weakness power. I have to get stronger. I can do that.”

  After a long silence, Mom said, “Ellie, I bought you some books. I didn’t want to give them to you until you were ready. I think they’ll help you understand what you’re going through and explain what will happen next.”

  Dad patted my knee, “It’s all going to be alright, Ellie. You’re due in early March. We’ll have everything ready by then.” Tilting his head, he asked, “Do you think you’ll want a nanny?”

  “Not sure about a nanny, can I think about it? I need to get the room next door ready. I…I need to hire painters.”

  Mom laughed. “The room is already filled with a ridiculous amount of toys and decorations. I’ll have a decorator come in and talk to you.” She smoothed my hair and asked if I had a theme in mind.

  “Something happy, Mom. Something cheerful. Nothing corny and no wall-to-wall pink.”

  They sat and simply talked for a long time about everything and nothing, taking my mind off the stress and the uncertainty that was rocketing through my system. It was pleasant and relaxing.

  When I fell asleep, I didn’t dream. It was the deepest sleep I’d gotten in a long time.

  Chapter Seven

  The next months passed quickly and without incident. I kept up the swimming and Mom brought in an instructor who taught me yoga and Tai Chi that was safe for the baby. I focused on my writing and worked behind the scenes with the charities.

  I still ached randomly but Theresa said my body was still healing and carrying a baby – serving me well, all things considered.

  I didn’t want the outside world to know I was pregnant so I didn’t leave the house. Because of the attack, everyone would know the truth of conception and I wouldn’t have my child carry that stigma for the rest of her life.

  My folks brought in a team of attorneys who created confidential documents regarding the artificial insemination I’d supposedly had done. The birth certificate would list ‘father unknown’ but when my daughter asked one day, I’d tell her how badly I wanted a child and I didn’t wait to find the perfect daddy.

  She was now and always would be my child, my little girl. It was the same story that would be provided to the media once the memory of my attack faded.

  Thanksgiving at Elysian Fields saw the arrival of all my parent’s closest friends. All my closest friends, though I’d kept them at a distance, were already here. Nelinda and Sarah cornered me in my father’s library and coaxed the real story out of me about conception and I held them as they cried. Zoe and my mother were there for moral support then we all went back to the party.

  We enjoyed the festivities and laughed more than I had in a long time.

  For Christmas, the females on staff presented me with a quilt of memories they’d hand sewn for the baby. It was created from special fabrics like my old Halloween costumes and ballet outfits, contained photos and ribbons I’d won, and made me cry like a fool for twenty minutes.

  The men on staff presented me with a shadow box filled with more mementos from my childhood. They must have gotten things from my old trunks in the attic that my parents rifled through. I could tell both gifts were more for the baby to see and I was more grateful for their kindness than I could express.

  My team bought me two nickel-plated 9mm’s and a set of small daggers. Si looked at me and said, “After the baby arrives, we train.” I smiled and nodded.

  That night, when the excitement finally wore everyone out, I found another gift in my bedroom. It was a small intricately carved mahogany chest with the words ‘Kaitlyn Monica Fields’ engraved and embossed on the glossy surface. It was simply beautiful.

  The card inside said, “For Ellie on behalf of Kaitlyn…this hope chest will fill up with all the good things your future is going to bring you. Merry Christmas, Hyde.”

  I stood staring at it for a long time, absently running my fingertips over it. They’d created a hope chest for my daughter. I took it and set it beside the bed so I could see it first and last every day. From my nightstand drawer, I took out the ultrasound pictures and the antique baby rattle Zoe had already given me.

  Opening the chest, I noticed it was lined with cedar and held a satin lavender cachet. Smiling, I set Katie’s first memories inside it and closed the lid.

  Leaving my hand on the warm wood, I said out loud, “Thank you…both…very much. It’s beautiful and absolutely perfect. I wouldn’t have thought of a hope chest.”

  “You’re very welcome, Ellie.”

  “Merry Christmas, Ellie.”

  They left and I hadn’t had the courage to face them. To see them standing, so masculine and strong in my bedroom, and not be able to ask them to stay was unfair.

  Life for me was very easy in some ways. In others, I felt frozen.

  After the first of the year, my nightmares worsened. Getting up extra early one morning to go get orange juice, I tripped over Hyde sleeping on a pallet outside my door.

  Seven months pregnant and completely klutzy, I would have hit the floor without lightening quick reflexes that caught me in strong arms and settled me before rising to ask if I was alright.

  Looking down, I noted the blanket, pillow, and two pistols on the floor near my door. “I…why are you sleeping on the floor, Hyde?”

  “Jordan. I’m Jordan, Ellie. I have a scar here on my jaw you can use to tell us apart. We trade off every night. You’re not usually up so early.”

  His…their…voice was like warm whiskey and it always had the same affect on me. Butterflies in my stomach and heat…absolutely everywhere.

  I tilted my head in confusion. “But…why?”

  “Your nights are getting worse. Padme and Bianca have to call us anyway. Easier if we’re already here.” His words flowed over me and I realized he was wearing sleep
pants and no shirt. “Don’t worry, Ellie. Did you need something?”

  “I was…I was going to get some orange juice. Would you like some?” He nodded and followed me into the kitchen. “I’m sorry I’m keeping everyone up all night. Soon I’ll be able to take the sleeping pills again. Well, if I get a nanny in. I, ah, I mean…never mind.”

  I turned from the fridge and Jonas was standing on the other side of the door. I was so startled I dropped the jug and he caught it. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Ellie. I was coming around to get glasses.” I couldn’t reach the glasses anymore. My extended belly robbed me of several inches of height.

  He lined them up on the counter and I poured juice. Jordan watched me from the other side of the bar. “Are you hungry, Ellie?” I shook my head. “You don’t eat enough, you barely touched your dinner. How about some apple slices and honey?”

  Before I could answer, Jonas washed and dried an apple, tossing it to Jordan who sliced it rapidly while his brother grabbed a ramekin and filled it partially with the raw honey I loved. After they’d put the plate in front of me, I realized it was exactly what I needed.

  “Can I sit in the solarium?” Jonas picked up a walkie-talkie and checked in with the outside night watch. When they reported an all-clear, I picked up my glass and plate. One in front, one behind, we moved through the French doors to the glass room that captured all the sun’s heat and set everything aglow. I worked out here often. It was my favorite space and completely filled with greenery. We sat down in padded chairs around the table and I ate my apples.

  Jonas, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt but barefoot, asked me quietly, “Ellie, we haven’t really talked in months. How are you doing?”

  “I…I’m good. Trying to stay busy.”

  Jordan was still in sleep pants but he’d pulled on a t-shirt. “You’re still adjusting to there being two of us, aren’t you, Ellie?” I shrugged lightly. “I’m sorry we waited so long to tell you.”

  “I understand why you didn’t. Like a secret weapon. Also, I guess it was a secret weakness.”

  “You’re right. We still should have told you.” Jonas took a big gulp of his juice and rolled the glass in his palms. The movement was hypnotic. He sat back and I met his eyes. “Why don’t you talk about the baby in front of us, Ellie?”

  I went still. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  Thank goodness Padme chose that moment to walk into the solarium. That was a question I did not want to answer. I wasn’t even sure I could answer it.

  How to explain that I felt ashamed when I was around them? That I wondered what they thought about me keeping the baby conceived during my rape? That I needed this baby to love because I’d fallen in love with a man who was really two men and was paid to protect me?

  “Good morning, all. Ellie, how are you feeling this morning?”

  “Fine. Good. What’s on my agenda today?” I let her claim my attention and eventually we all moved inside to dress and get ready for our day. I was careful to avoid alone time with Hyde. I just couldn’t trust myself around them. Not in any way.

  I went into labor brushing down my horse. Hyde stood at the stall door and when the first contraction hit me, I dropped to one knee. My water broke and suddenly I was being carried at a near run for the house.

  Jonas carried me; Jordan was on the phone texting the go message to everyone who needed to know.

  In the elevator, I whispered, “I weigh a ton, you can put me down, Jonas.” He stared down at me but otherwise ignored me. Then he was moving toward Theresa’s rooms.

  “Wait, I…I need to shower. Look, I’m wet and it’s gross. I need to shower. This is embarrassing enough. Jonas. Please.” I watched him grind his teeth as he turned toward my apartments.

  Bianca shouted, “What the hell are you doing here? We were on our way to the medical room.”

  “I really need to shower, Bianca. Please stand watch for a few minutes.” Jonas put me down in the bathroom and seemed to hold an internal argument about whether to leave me alone. “Jonas, five minutes and I’ll go right to Theresa.” He nodded once briskly and left.

  I heard him barking orders at Bianca and Padme. I showered fast and by the time I was wrapped in a towel, Padme had appeared with my hospital gown and robe. I wasn’t to wear anything under the gown.

  One glance at the urgent look on her face and I smiled. “I’m ready.”

  Jordan swept me up just outside my bedroom door and carried me down the hall. He set me down long enough for me to remove my robe then lifted me to the bed. Both of them went to stand at the door and I raised my brows.

  “Um, guys? Can you stand behind me maybe?” Jaws clenched, they moved behind the hospital bed and watched carefully as I was hooked up to IV’s, a fetal monitor, and my feet were placed in the stirrups.

  Theresa came in and checked my dilation beneath a tented sheet, giving the brothers a strange look for staying. My parents and the two female bodyguards entered shortly after and heard Theresa announce, “This shouldn’t take long, Ellie. You’re already eight centimeters dilated. This baby made up her mind and that was it. Sit tight while we prep the table for your little girl.”

  Everyone was fussing over me and Mom insisted on braiding my hair so it didn’t stick to my face. Bianca handed me crushed ice. “Do not ask me what this is for. Theresa gave it to me. I’m assuming you suck on it or some damn thing.” They chatted and tried to keep my mind off the contractions for which I was grateful.

  My father has very strong hands. There were no broken bones reported later and I was relieved.

  Half an hour later, there was a lull in the noise and I said quietly, “Theresa, should I feel like I need to push? Like I need to go to the bathroom right now.”

  Theresa was on a stool between my legs instantly and whispered, “The baby is crowning already. You quick and clever darling. Okay, Ellie, we’re going to sit you up so you can bear down.” My parents put their arms behind my back and held my hands.

  When Adam moved to stand between my spread legs I kicked him as hard as I could in the face with my bare foot. Shocked at myself as his eye began to swell, I gritted out, “Contraction. Adam, so…fuuuuck…so sorry!”

  He put his hand on my bare knee to tell me it was no problem, I could see the words forming, but I was going to break his wrist if he didn’t take his fucking hand off me. Padme saw it and got between us, refusing to move one inch.

  Theresa, focused on the baby, missed the byplay. “Ready? Okay you’re going to push and keep pushing for five seconds.”

  The next minute was a blur to me as the most awful pressure built and released, built again and released completely. I lay back with Dad’s help and panted frantically. A small cry sounded in the room and you could have heard a pin drop. “Give us just a minute to clear her airway, Ellie. I need you to push once more, honey. There you go.”

  I may have passed out. The next thing I remember is Theresa standing next to my Mom and putting a pink wrapped bundle in my arms which were shaking too hard to support her weight. Mom helped so I didn’t drop her during our first meeting.

  “She…she’s blond like Mom. Hello, baby. Hi, Kaitlyn. I’m Ellie but you can call me Mommy. Wow, you don’t seem real. Aren’t you pretty?” More hustle and bustle as I was cleaned up.

  Hands touching me, touching the baby. My mom crying, my dad as well though he tried to hide it. Murmured words about the baby, how well I’d done, how happy everyone was that mother and baby had come out alright. Padme and Bianca formed a block between the hapless Adam and me. He was icing his eye to bring down the swelling.

  My eyes were drifting when large hands cupped either side of my face and firm lips on faces with a trace of beard stubble kissed my cheeks at the same time. If I’d been in my right mind, I would have imagined it was Jordan and Jonas. Where they are concerned, I’m never in my right mind.

  “Love…stubble.” Even exhausted, I managed to catch myself.

  I fell asleep. Once again, there were no d
reams.

  Chapter Eight

  Having a baby was both exhausting and exhilarating. It is also one of the most frightening experiences I’ve ever gone through. I ended up bringing in a nanny because when Katie was two weeks old the shriveled bit of her umbilical cord fell off and I ran screaming to Theresa.

  For a while it was touch and go on whether I would have to be sedated.

  Mom summed it up well. “We’ve kept you sheltered your entire life, darling. Except for much older children, close to school age, you’ve never been around babies. It isn’t surprising you’d be worried when a little bit of baby falls off.” As my eyes widened further, she rushed on. “Bad choice of words. I imagine getting a nanny will allow you to stop your slow descent into madness.”

  “You can’t watch her every moment, honey,” Dad added gently.

  These were rational statements but I worried constantly that something would happen to her. That I wasn’t going to be allowed to keep anything good and clean from that horrible day filled with degradation and pain. I just wanted one little thing. I had Theresa check her each day.

  My staff was enthralled with the baby. Bianca and Padme changed her clothes several times a day. Since I was constantly putting her in new outfits, we had to buy a lot of spare outfits.

  Katie didn’t cry. I don’t mean she was just good. She did not cry. I got in the habit of checking her diaper so she never sat wet. I set timers to feed her because she didn’t fuss.

  Si and Fiaaz often sang to her. Silly songs they made up to describe what they were doing. When I was writing, I kept her in a bassinet beside me and absently rocked it with my foot.

  The biggest surprise was how Jordan and Jonas were with her. They held her constantly and talked to her as if she was able to understand them. Since she stared at them in rapt fascination, maybe she did. When I saw them with her my heart would clench painfully.