“I think my sister was behind it all and somehow solicited your daughters to help,” Annie whispered to Ian.
“Did you say anything to the girls when you said good-night?” Ian dipped a strawberry into the chocolate and passed it to Annie, their fingers touching.
Annie tried to concentrate, but all she could think about was their almost kiss on the bluff. She had to admit it: she’d wanted Ian to kiss her.
“Annie?”
She blinked and peered at him. “Yes. Jasmine and Jade looked at each other, struggling to keep straight faces, and said that my sister asked them to help her set it up today, then they burst out giggling.”
Annie popped the piece of fruit into her mouth then licked the chocolate off her fingertips, trying not to think of when she’d fed the strawberry to Ian.
“Which means they are guilty.”
“I’m not really mad at them, but at my sister, who is encouraging them. She knows better.”
“She wants to see you with someone.”
Annie huffed and glared at Amanda. “Being with someone isn’t in my plan.” But even as she said it, it didn’t feel right. That bothered her even more. Once it had been her dream to have a husband and children.
“What plan?”
“Working with children who need me is my plan. I’m not looking for anything else.” If she said it enough, maybe she would believe it.
“How about a man who needs you?”
Ian’s question hung in the air. Annie averted her gaze and watched Amanda and Ben get up and walk toward their tent, Ben’s arm resting on her sister’s shoulder. A pang zipped through Annie at the sight. She’d wanted that at one time.
She didn’t know how to answer Ian. He wasn’t aware of her part in the fire. If he knew the truth, would he still want her? “What man?” she finally asked.
“Me. Do you not see how important you are to me and my family? You have given me hope for the future. Hope that my children will be all right. That I’ll be okay.”
“I understand. You’re grateful for what I’m doing.” Annie stood. “I appreciate that. I like being needed.” Because it eased the pain of her guilt for a short time. “I’m going to turn in now.”
Ian caught her hand. “Annie, don’t go yet. Please stay.”
Annie studied his face, highlighted by the dying fire. He was such a good man. She cared for him more than she should. But—
“Please, Annie. Our one time of quiet was interrupted today.”
She sat again, although now she realized how close they were. Only inches separated them.
“Do you realize how extraordinary you are?”
“What am I supposed to say to that? Yes, I am? No, I’m not?”
“I should have said instead that you’re a special person, period. No question about it. I think you sell yourself short.”
Annie turned her folding chair so she could face him and put some space between them. “I know I can help children. I’m not afraid of difficult cases.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. When you first came to us, you kept your scars a secret, hiding them. I’m not sure you would have shared them with us if it hadn’t been for Jeremy. I’m glad you did, but it doesn’t change how I look at you or how I feel about you.”
“They’re a reminder of what I did.” Annie dropped her gaze to her lap. She was going to tell him. Outside her family and a few firefighters, no one knew. And she didn’t talk about it, even with Amanda, the person closest to her. But Ian deserved to know, and if it made a difference, so be it.
“A reminder of what? The fire? Why would you want to do that? That’s the past. What’s done is done.”
Annie took a deep breath and held it for a long moment before slowly exhaling. The knots of tension in her stomach remained. “Ian, I’m responsible for the fire. I didn’t...” She couldn’t say it.
He leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his thighs. “What happened?”
Annie swallowed several times, but she felt as if a fist was jammed in her throat. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she looked toward her tent. She wanted to escape. She shouldn’t have stayed. She shouldn’t have started this conversation.
Ian reached out and took her hand. “Please tell me, Annie.”
She tugged her hand free. “I lit a candle on the table by the open window in my bedroom at the cabin. I was there with part of my family. Usually Amanda and I share a bedroom, but she didn’t come that weekend. I thank God for that at least. I fell asleep on my bed and didn’t blow out the candle. The curtains...” A vision of the flames licking up the walls when she woke up coughing still haunted her. “They caught fire, and the dry timber of the walls quickly went up in the blaze. My father rescued me but couldn’t get back in to help my mom. She became trapped like I did. She died because of me.” Annie rushed the last sentence.
Ian moved from his chair and knelt in front of her. “Annie, it was an accident.” He clasped her arms and waited until she looked at him.
Through tears she saw his dear face so full of concern and compassion. “An accident I caused. If only I hadn’t...” She couldn’t say what she had agonized over for fourteen years.
“Hadn’t lit the candle? I’ve dealt with many patients who have done things they regretted, things that led to bad consequences. Some did them on purpose and others accidentally. The latter are the people who have the most problems dealing with their guilt.”
“Of course I feel guilt. My mother died because of me. How do you get over that?”
“By turning to the Lord. I know He’s forgiven you. Now you need to do the same thing for yourself. Let the past go.”
Annie shot to her feet, tipping over the folding chair, and yanked away from Ian. “It’s not that easy.”
He rose. “I didn’t say it was. Does your family blame you?”
She shook her head.
“So the only one who does is you?”
“Because I did it.” The words tore from deep inside her.
“You saw with Jeremy what happens when you keep feelings locked away. They eat at you, grow bigger in your mind. God doesn’t want that for you.”
Annie stepped back, nearly tripping over the downed chair. “You don’t know what God wants for me.”
“Do you? Are you doing His will or yours?”
“You don’t understand. My scars are my...” Annie couldn’t get a decent breath. Her throat burned. Her chest tightened.
Ian closed the space between them. “Punishment? I don’t see that being the Lord’s plan for you. He gave you a beautiful gift for working with children. You didn’t cause that fire with malicious intent. When are you going to feel you’ve paid enough?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because I care for you. I lo—” His eyes widened, and he moved back.
Anger swelled in Annie. Not even Amanda had pushed her this much. “What, loathe? Like? Maybe you pity me.”
Ian’s gaze drilled into her. “I’m falling in love with you.”
“The only feeling you have for me is gratitude for my help. Don’t confuse that with anything more.” Annie swept around and marched toward her tent.
At the opening she paused, trying to calm her trembling. She squeezed her hands into a ball. She didn’t want the girls to know anything had happened. Why couldn’t Ian let things alone? Let her work for him and care for his children?
Just for a second her heart had leaped when he’d said the word love. Now she didn’t know how long she could stay at the McGregors’. By the age of twenty she’d realized love wasn’t in her future. Not after David.
Ian wasn’t David... But still, Annie couldn’t risk being hurt anymore.
* * *
Ian wanted to go after her, but he knew she would reject him. Yes, he was grateful that Annie was in their lives, but it was much more than that. Up until a few minutes ago he hadn’t realized how much. There was a lot to love about Annie.
Why doesn’t she see the be
auty I do?
Her guilt was robbing her of the life she should have had. Ian wasn’t going to give up helping her see that, or the medical fact that there were procedures that would make her scars less noticeable, especially her ear. Ian knew that until she accepted that what happened was an accident, she’d never be free of the past. Every day when Annie looked at herself those scars reminded her of her mom’s death.
Maybe he could solicit Amanda and her family to help convince her to have surgery, especially if it didn’t cost her anything. Ian wanted to give her that chance to heal.
* * *
“Thanks for coming to help me,” Ian said a few days later to Amanda, whom he’d invited to help chaperone Jeremy’s belated-birthday swimming party.
“Someone has to shake some sense into Annie. I’ve been trying. Dad has. Even my youngest brother. She won’t listen. I think she’s gotten so used to feeling that guilt she’s afraid to let go of it. She and our mother were very close, probably closer than any of us were. But I know Mom would be so upset if she knew what Annie is doing.”
Ian greeted Ben, who was coming up the steps to the porch. “I’m glad you’ve been a lifeguard before.” Ian shook Annie’s brother-in-law’s hand. “I probably let Jeremy invite too many, but I was thrilled he wanted to. I couldn’t say no when he kept adding boys to the list.”
“Are your other children going to be here?” Ben asked.
“Yes, they invited a couple of friends, too.”
Amanda laughed. “Good thing they aren’t a little older or there might be problems. Four girls at a party with eight boys.”
“Please don’t remind me about what I’ll be dealing with in a few years,” Ian said with a chuckle.
“You hope it takes that long,” Amanda said as she headed for the kitchen to help Annie with the food.
“Amanda told me about what you were going to do later.” Ben crossed the foyer toward the hallway with Ian.
“It’s my version of an intervention. No matter what she feels about me, I want her to do this for herself.”
“Have the surgery or forgive herself?”
Ian opened the sliding glass door to the patio. “Let the past go. Ben, I just noticed you don’t have your dog with you.”
“No, I want to focus totally on the children in the water. Besides, this is Jeremy and Rex’s show. I want all the attention on them. Ringo can be an attention hog at times.”
“By the way, my children, even Joshua with his scrapes, had a great time last week with all the others.”
“I understand Nathan is coming to the party.”
“Yes, Jeremy and Nathan hit it off that day fishing. I also had Annie invite her niece Carey because Jasmine and Jade really enjoyed themselves with her.”
“Where are your kids?”
“Cleaning up outside. Annie has everyone working, even Joshua.” The front doorbell rang. “I’ve got to get this.”
“I’ll supervise the preparation for the party.”
Ian answered the door and let in a steady stream of children while telling the parents when to pick them up. After everyone arrived, he headed for the kitchen to let Annie and Amanda know the party was starting. As he approached the room, he overheard Annie saying, “I’m not going to say anything until I’ve found someone.”
Ian walked through the doorway. “Found someone for what?”
At the sink Annie whirled around and stared at him, her expression stamped with surprise.
“Excuse me. I’m going to help my husband with the children out back.” Amanda hurried from the house.
Silence hung between Annie and Ian. His mouth went dry. Something was wrong.
“Is there a problem I should know about?”
“I’m looking for a replacement for me as your nanny.”
Chapter Thirteen
The shock on Ian’s face made Annie want to snatch the words back.
Ian opened his mouth to say something, shook his head and pivoted. The sound of the back door slamming reverberated through the kitchen. Her body trembling, Annie collapsed against the counter behind her, her stomach roiling. After coming home from the camping trip with her family last weekend, she’d realized she couldn’t work for Ian any longer. He threatened everything she had planned for herself. He wasn’t really falling in love with her, and he’d realize that and break her heart. Ian was grateful for her help and only said that because he took pity on her. She’d had enough of that the past fourteen years.
Annie couldn’t stay here. Ian would see the wisdom when she found him a good nanny to replace her. Annie would stay until she did. She cared far too much for him to let a relationship based on false assumptions go anywhere.
Annie began taking the food outside. After setting up all the treats for the party, she scanned the children, glad to see so many attending. Several hung around Jeremy and Rex on one side of the pool while the girls remained across from them, giggling and occasionally pointing at the boys. The only ones in the water were Joshua and Brent, Annie’s nephew. Once she’d seen Joshua at the lake swimming, she felt more at ease with him in the water. He was a good swimmer for his age.
Then her gaze fell on Ian at the other end of the pool with Ben. A frown carved deep lines into Ian’s face. His stiff stance screamed his anger. At her.
Amanda approached her. “Are you all right?”
“No. That was not the way I was going to tell him. I didn’t even want to say anything until I had a good lead on a nanny.”
“If you really want to leave, he has a right to know from the beginning.”
“I guess.” But what if he fired her right after the party? Annie wasn’t ready to go yet. She hadn’t even talked with the children about it.
Make up your mind. You can’t have it both ways.
Amanda turned toward her and lowered her voice. “My problem is why you think you need to leave. He’s a great catch and you love all his children. This could be the family you’ve always wanted.”
“Being a nanny has satisfied my need.”
“Has it really? When we were kids all you talked about was having a family like the one we had.”
“Whose side are you on?”
“Always yours, even when I think you’re wrong. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try to straighten you out.”
“What if Ian is interested in me because of his children? In fact, that makes the most sense.”
“Why are you selling yourself short?” Amanda asked in a furious whisper.
“I’m being realistic. I see myself in the mirror. And Ian hasn’t even seen the worst of my scars.”
“He’s a plastic surgeon. He knows what burn scars look like.”
Joshua swam to the steps and exited the water, then walked quickly to Annie. “See, I’m not running.” The child grinned.
“Walk any faster and you are. You love pushing the limits.” Annie smiled and brushed his blond curls off his forehead.
“No one but me and Brent are swimming. Come in the water, Annie.”
Although she’d grown up loving to swim like Joshua, she hadn’t planned to go into the pool. Annie wore a one-piece swimsuit under a long T-shirt just in case she needed to help a child in the water, but she didn’t wear her suit other than with her family.
When she didn’t say anything, Joshua tugged on her hand. At first she resisted, then when all eyes were on her, she gave up and followed, intending only to sit on the top step. When she did, Joshua did a cannonball right next to her, totally drenching her.
“You’re wet now. You might as well come in.” Joshua swam toward her.
Annie waited until he was within arm’s reach and grabbed him. After twirling him around, she playfully heaved him away from her.
When he surfaced, his giggles erupted, and he came toward her again. Annie slipped into the water and stood her ground until he was right on her, then darted away. He tried to catch her. “Come and get me,” she taunted Joshua, her laughter filling the air.
He
swam as fast as he could, and this time she let him get her, launching himself at her and taking them both under the water. When Annie and Joshua popped to the surface, the boys started jumping into the pool, seeing who could make the biggest splash. She glanced toward Ian and Ben, who were now both soaking wet.
As she started to look away, Ian’s gaze riveted her. Even from a distance she could see his green eyes darkening to a brewing storm. Annie shivered. When he joined the boys in the water, she swam to the steps and hurried out of the pool, making sure her shirt covered most of her scars. To hide what was left of her right ear, she donned a floppy sunhat, then wrapped herself in a beach towel she’d placed nearby.
As the girls dived into the water, Amanda sidled up next to Annie. “You were having fun. Have you thought about how much you’re going to miss that?”
“Thank you for that observation.”
“Were you aware a couple of times the damage to your ear was visible, and Joshua didn’t react to it? In fact, no one did.”
“Why are you pushing me so hard?”
“Because I don’t want you to make the biggest mistake of your life.”
“I already did that the night I lit that candle.”
When Amanda murmured, “You don’t have to be that way,” Annie began walking away.
Annie wanted to throttle her twin. She’d always counted on Amanda’s support and needed it to do what she must. Because deep inside, she didn’t know how she was going to deal with leaving this family she loved.
* * *
Something was up with Amanda and Ian. They had been talking together for the past ten minutes and from the looks of it, arguing. All the guests had left a half an hour ago except her sister and Ben. The surprise was when her eldest brother, who was Brent’s father, had invited Joshua to spend the night when he’d come to pick up her nephew. Annie helped Joshua pack. He was so excited about his first sleepover.
She checked on the twins and Jeremy, camped out in the den with Ben watching a movie. The kitchen, poolside and yard were clean, so she decided to go to her apartment and collapse. When Ian had insisted she take the rest of the night off, she hadn’t turned down the offer. Today had been fun, nerve racking and draining. Ian could see her sister and brother-in-law out.
The Nanny's New Family (Caring Canines) Page 15
