Break-Up Club

by Lorelei Mathias

  ‘So why don’t we?’

  ‘What, change our mind? OK.’

  ‘Well that was the shortest break-up in history.’

  L: I love you.

  H: Love you too.

  Holly rolled her eyes, realising how this was all a bit too much like trying to get out of a warm bath. She knew the water was only getting colder; that they were both too hot and bothered and uncomfortable to really enjoy the bath anymore. But then, it was so cold out there, outside of the bath, with the stone-cold tiles and the crap central heating that didn’t work, nothing but a threadbare towel to shiver into. What to do now? Cling to each other for warmth? Or jump out before it got any harder?

  H: Wait… Lawrence, this is madness. We’ve said all these things now, we can’t go back, that would be cheating, surely? I don’t want to get out of the bathwater, but I know we probably should.

  L: What bath???! Oh god, Folly. I hate this. I know I shouldn’t beg, but please don’t do this. I think you’re making a big mistake. You’re living up to your nickname.

  H: Maybe I am. But I can’t go on anymore, living with these doubts. It’s not fair to either of us.

  L: I can’t not have you in my life. No. Just stop it, Hol. STOP BEING SILLY.

  H: We’ll be in each other’s lives again. Just as soon as we’ve given it long enough to get over ‘us’.

  L: I can’t not know you, Holly. You mean too much to me. You’re the love of my life. You always will be. I WILL NEVER GET OVER YOU.

  H: I’ve never loved anyone else either. This is just as hard for me.

  L: I hate this. I can’t believe I’m not going to wake up with you again in our private universe…

  Despite the cheesiness, Holly felt moved to the point of emotional combustion.

  H: Goodbye, womble. Don’t… forget about me.

  The tears were all down her face. She felt sure of only one thing now: there wasn’t enough toilet roll in the world to stem the impending tide of snot and tears pressing at the edge of her nose and eyelids.

  Hang up?

  Her finger hovered over the button. If I can just go first I’ll feel stronger, she thought, and pressed it. One click and you’re done. And then, silence.

  The live transcript from their message chat lay open on her desktop, like a living, breathing object. The words ‘I could really be with you’ and ‘I will never get over you’ stood out like Belisha beacons, making her question her decision.

  She knew she should go and join the others out on the balcony, awaiting her with medicinal booze, and jeepers… a whole ROW of all her favourite Ben and Jerry’s ice cream tubs! But she still wasn’t quite able to turn away from the screen. Somehow she didn’t want to close down the relationship just yet.

  Save as? Holly clicked Yes, and saved her break-up under the default file name, ‘14th May_Chat_ with_ LawryHillUK?’, thinking as she did how morbid this was – like she’d just taken a photo of a beloved dead body for safe-keeping during bereavement.

  She lay out on the sofa, the laptop open at her knees. She read and re-read the transcript until the sun had set outside, the memory of his sobbing, pixelated face haunting her while her head began to ache from crying so much. Then, when her eyes had become so foggy she could see no more, she shut the laptop, curled into a foetal ball and closed her eyes. The kitchen door opened and she heard the others come in. And for the first time in weeks, her eyelid stopped jittering.

  PART TWO

  ‘There is the old joke made by the Marx who laughed about not deigning to belong to a club that would accept someone like him as a member, a truth as appropriate in love as it is in club membership… how is it possible that I should both wish to join a club, and yet lose that wish as soon as it comes true?’

  Alain de Botton, Essays in Love

  9. And Then There Were Four

  In the wee hours of a night in early spring, the four musketeers were strolling along Waterloo Bridge, nibbling on street-meat – the deep-fried dirt barely penetrating their taste buds through all the alcohol they had drunk. Holly and Harry having just signed the sacred BUC scrolls that Olivia had stayed up all night making, they had all gone into town to celebrate. They had shimmied along the South Bank, watched skate-boarders, accidentally gate-crashed a Private View at the Hayward Gallery, and cartwheeled along the pop-up beach, before going in search of a night bus home.

  ‘Definitely the Four. Always the Four,’ Harry said.

  ‘No way! It never comes!’ Bella said. ‘It’s the Smug Bus! We need the 390 from up the road.’

  ‘If only Lawrence was here, he’d settle this in a second,’ lamented Holly. ‘He’s a pro when it comes to Transport For London.’

  ‘OK, Holly that’s TWO,’ Olivia said.

  ‘Two what?’

  ‘Two Lawrences.’

  ‘How many am I allowed?’

  ‘Well, because this is your first week in the club, we’ll be lenient with you. But you need to be mindful.’

  ‘Christ, sorry,’ she said, feeling a little giddy.

  ‘It’s for your own good.’

  ‘Right,’ Holly said, finishing her hotdog and wishing it was like a bus and there was another one coming right behind it. ‘It’s true though – he was really good at transport.’

  ‘No – he’s like RAIN MAN when it comes to transport – you always complained about that remember?’ Harry said. ‘You said it was like going out with Journey Planner dot com.’

  ‘Yeah – don’t be looking back at him with rosé-tinted glasses now,’ Bella said.

  ‘Exactly,’ Harry said as he took Holly’s arm and started spinning her around to the song of a nearby busker. Together, they twisted and twirled as if they were at a Regency ball as opposed to a litter-lined street in SE1, watched by a gaggle of nocturnal commuters. As she spun around, her hair flying, she caught flashes of the Thames twinkling under the moonlight. As she spun around again she caught the glow of the National Theatre meeting the street lamps, and remembered how much Lawrence had always hated to dance in public – he was always so concerned with looking silly and gangly (which in fairness, he generally did). Hurrah: Lawrence O, BUC 1, she thought joyfully, picturing all the dances and first kisses she had ahead of her now.

  Yes! Being single was a good decision indeed, she decided as she spun round some more, until eventually tripping up and collapsing onto Harry. As their bus pulled up, she stood swaying in his arms, concentrating hard on remaining upright while also suppressing a sudden need to vomit.

  ‘So Bella. Did you get that guy’s number in the end?’ Holly asked as they sat down on the upper deck, claiming front row seats in which to watch London-by-night swing by in its glory.

  ‘The one you were dribbling over all evening?’ Bella added.

  ‘He was showing me how to Lindy Hop! And no, of course I didn’t get his number.’

  ‘He was gorgeous though,’ Bella said, putting her Doc Martened feet up on the windowsill of the bus and staring out. ‘Too gorgeous. You know, in my experience, guys like that don’t make moves. They’re too damn pretty to go after girls. Girls just sort of happen to guys like that.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Holly began. ‘There’s a pretty boy actor like that at work, and I think he has asked me out. I think there’s a fairly corrosive spark between us. Although as I say, I can’t actually decipher these things anymore, it’s been so long.’

  ‘Hol, you’re not talking about the guy that plays the lead barman?’

  Holly’s eyes widened. ‘Wait – Harry, you don’t mean to say you watch my show?’

  ‘I am familiar with your work.’

  ‘OH!’ Bella squealed. ‘He’s that guy! Phil the Barman! He looks like a massive douche!’

  ‘He’s acting the part of a massive douche.’

  ‘Isn’t it a reality show? Anyway, I think he’s hot!’ Bella said. ‘As a regular viewer, I’d say he’s well worth a punt.’

  ‘No!’ Olivia said. ‘It’s too soon. You need time to get L
awrence out of your system.’

  ‘Jesus – I still can’t get over the fact that you guys watch my show!’ Holly said, shaking her head in wonder.

  ‘I don’t,’ Olivia said.

  ‘Anyway, back to me!’ Bella said. ‘So, there was definitely a happening with me and this guy. We really got on well, I think.’

  ‘So how did you leave it? What did you say to him as you were leaving?’ Olivia asked.

  ‘I said, “So I’ll see you around.” And he said, “Sure. I’ll look out for the girl with the red beret.” I’m so glad I wore my beret! At least it gave me a defining characteristic. Let’s face it, without it he’d have had to say, “I’ll look out for the girl who has a face a little too like Miss Piggy.”’

  ‘For the last time, you don’t look like Miss Piggy!’ Holly said.

  There was a gap, which ought to have been filled with the others chiming that no, of course she bore no resemblance to Miss Piggy. Instead it was filled with silence and Bella’s expectant face.

  ‘Well,’ Bella said. ‘I’m never taking it off now. Just in case I bump into him again!’

  ‘Watertight,’ Harry said.

  ‘Oh yes! What if I don’t happen to bump into him again?’

  ‘Did you find out where he works?’ Olivia said.

  ‘Ish. I said to him how “the girl in the red beret” sounded like a film title, and then he said that he works in a film shop so he’d try and find out whether it is or not.’

  ‘Which film shop and where?’ Harry asked in an ‘Mmm, the plot thickens’ kind of a way.

  ‘Some kind of arty-farty place in London Fields?’

  ‘Aha!’ Olivia yelled. ‘That settles it then. Group excursion to my new area, at the earliest opportunity! You can see my new flat too!’

  ‘If only to support the path of true love,’ Bella added.

  ‘Oh we’re hardly talking love at this stage are we,’ Harry said.

  ‘No… I mean, obviously I feel like I’m in love with him right now,’ Bella said.

  ‘Because you’re a mentalist like that,’ Harry said.

  ‘You’re right. I mean, I don’t even know him from Adam. For all I know his name is Adam.’

  ‘You didn’t even get his name?’ Holly said.

  ‘Um, no. I’M RUBBISH AT MEN, I know! This whole thing is you people’s fault anyway! I’ll have you know, me and my new hymen were perfectly happy before you made me go out and chat to boys. Now look what you’ve done – I’m all – frustrated! Besides, he almost certainly has a girlfriend.’

  ‘So what, even if he does, you should still register your interest, so he knows, if he ends up single again,’ Olivia said.

  ‘You make it sound like he’s an item on Argos that’s temporarily out of stock,’ Holly said. ‘“Would you like to be notified when this item becomes available again?”’

  ‘That’s what I’m talking about!’ Olivia said. ‘In a dream world that’s how it should work!’

  ‘If only,’ Holly said. ‘Although, isn’t that the point of Facebook?’

  ‘Hang on. Can we just go back a step please?’ Harry said some time later, his face riddled with confusion. ‘What’s all this being “in love” versus “loving someone” gubbins? Surely they’re one and the same thing?’

  ‘Um, hello? Of course they’re not!’ Bella said.

  ‘They’re two different things,’ Holly said. ‘Like, with me and Lawrence, when we first got together I was in love with him… but looking back over the last few years, we were more like best friends. I loved – still love – him as a friend, or a family member… that’s why it feels like I’ve lost a limb right now,’ she said, her eyes beginning to water. Maybe it was time for more drunk crying, she wondered, marvelling that she’d gone a whole four hours.

  The others exchanged glances.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Bella said.

  ‘It’s just so fucking sad. The last memory I have of him is of his sad, blurry face on Skype! We said we wouldn’t see each other again – not for a long while.’

  ‘You’re so brave,’ Bella said.

  ‘No, I’m chicken shit. I just know as soon as I see him again I’ll want him back.’

  Bella nodded. ‘She’s right; Sam and I being in contact has been a disaster. But I’m so weak, I can’t say no to him!’

  ‘Even when you know you’re basically just picking at a scab just as it’s healing, only to make it start leaking pus again?’

  ‘Ergh, Harry!’ Olivia said, her face creasing in disgust as the bus pulled up outside Tufnell Park Road.

  ‘Oh, this is us!’ Bella said, leaping up and hoping that the conversation would also terminate there.

  Slowly, they began the wibbly-wobbly dance down to the lower deck. Arriving back at 249a, a unanimous motion was passed that Holly was too fragile to possibly sleep alone. So all four of them piled onto her bed and drank red wine in front of old re-runs of The Wonder Years, based upon Harry’s conviction that it would be therapeutic to all be reminded of their childhood at a time like this.

  By 4 a.m. Olivia declared that she needed her own bed and called a cab, leaving Bella, Harry and Holly to sleep head to foot in one bed. Something which would later lead to the coining of the phrase ‘BUC bed’ – a contorted yet comforting solution to the onset of break-up-induced loneliness. Despite how cramped it was,

  Holly slept more soundly in ‘BUC bed’ than she ever had with Lawrence. On this particular occasion, she slept right through the traffic noises, not even waking when the ‘stand clear, vehicle reversing’ melody kicked in. She slept soundly until the following afternoon, when she opened her eyes to see Harry’s hairy feet in her face.

  ‘Ugh,’ she croaked.

  ‘Och! The brunch fairy hath come!’ came Harry’s voice from the other end of the bed. Holly peered through Harry’s feet to see a fully showered and dressed Bella coming in with the Observer and a round of croissants.

  ‘I bring freshly baked joy!’ Bella sang.

  ‘Wow. Thanks,’ Holly said, rubbing her eyes.

  ‘Climb aboard the good ship BUC!’ Harry said, peeling back the duvet by way of invitation. Bella clambered on, causing a tidal wave of snotty tissues to land all over Holly’s floor.

  ‘Wow this is amazing!’ Harry said, swallowing most of the croissant in about three bites and looking in the bag to see if there was a pain au chocolat for pudding.

  ‘You’re welcome. It’s your initiation brunch… you know, Rule Number Five,’ Bella informed them, deadpan. ‘Welcome to BUC!’

  ‘Er, thanks,’ Holly said, shooting Harry a look, but then remembering what he’d said to her earlier. ‘Yes this is as mad as a bag of snakes, but we’ve signed up to it so let’s just see it through, see where it goes…?’

  She forced a smile. ‘Cheers guys,’ she said, holding up an all-butter croissant and clonking it with Harry’s as though they were glasses filled with champagne.

  ‘Shall I make a toast?’ Bella said. Holly grappled with every fibre of her being not to make the obvious pun about the fact they were already having croissants.

  Harry, sensing this, placed a hand gently over Holly’s mouth.

  ‘Fire away,’ he said, pulling the duvet up over his ginger-haired chest in readiness to listen.

  Bella smiled at the younglings. ‘OK then. To all of us – wishing us a swift recovery from our respective break-ups.’ Then she swallowed her last bite of croissant. She rubbed her hands together, jumped off the bed like a spaniel, and opened the blinds to reveal the kind of azure, cloudless sky that made you feel guilty for being in bed past two o’clock.

  ‘It’s the first proper day of spring out there! We should get out and make the most of what’s left of the day. And it’s nearly time for our meeting.’

  ‘Meeting? You make it sound like AA!’ Holly said, pulling the duvet back over herself.

  ‘Didn’t we have a meeting last night?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Not really,’ Bella said like she
was trying to recall Olivia’s instructions. ‘It’s Sunday today. This is when we actually DO meetings.’

  ‘This isn’t a meeting now?’ Holly asked.

  ‘No, this is our Brunch Duty, to welcome you. Rule Number Five,’ Bella said as though they were both a bit slow. ‘And last night was your Signing Ceremony. Sorry, Liv’s given all of this a lot of thought, and what with her legal training I think she’s convinced there’s an important logic to it. Anyway, how about we have showers and head to Hampstead Heath? Have a nice picnic in honour of our first proper meeting.’

  ‘Cool. I might just call Big Rick and see if he and Alice want to join us. Not seen them in ages,’ Harry said.

  ‘Um, NO? This is BUC? That means, only people suffering a break-up are allowed? You can see Richard and his,’ this next word Bella said as though it was the very height of distaste, ‘girlfriend any other night of the week.’

  Holly put a hand on Harry’s shoulder. ‘Sorry Harry… Bella doesn’t mean to sound like a fascist, but I think she feels it’s for the benefit of the group if everyone’s in the same boat?’

  *

  Being the warmest day of the year so far, the Heath had a healthy scattering of girls on picnic rugs in optimistic bikinis, and menfolk with their tops off, tending to disposable barbeques. There were also an unsettling number of couples cuddling in the long grass – a detail the members of the Break-up Club made a conscious effort to avert their eyes from as they headed to the top of the hill, lugging plastic bags that threatened to split at any point. Eventually they settled on the perfect spot in which to lay out their corner-shop picnic.

  ‘Hey!’ came Olivia’s voice some minutes later. ‘There you are,’ she said, red-faced. ‘Never any cocking phone signal in this place.’

  ‘Where’ve you been? You look all glowy,’ Holly said.

  ‘Yeah Liv,’ Bella said. ‘Are you really that unfit, or have you been doing business time?’

  Olivia nodded. ‘I won’t lie. You guys are the only reason I got out of bed today.’

  ‘Hold the phones!’ Holly said. ‘You mean, when you said you were getting a cab so you could get a good night’s sleep yesterday, you were actually going off and shagging some guy?’