Break-Up Club

by Lorelei Mathias

  ‘Bella. And this here is Harry, and Olivia.’

  ‘When you’re ready, Jeremy, do you want to tell us what happened?’ Olivia said.

  He cleared his throat. ‘Um, yes… Well, my name’s Jeremy, and my wife has just left me after sixteen years of unhappy marriage,’ he said, then downed the whisky in one go.

  ‘Sorry,’ Harry said, ‘that must be tough.’

  Then there was a long silence while everyone in the room struggled with what to say in the face of a grown-up drama of this magnitude. This was an actual marriage breakdown; not child’s play. Suddenly they all felt woefully underqualified.

  ‘But don’t let me interrupt you. Please, just carry on as you were, pretend I’m not here!’

  Holly looked at the others, her cheeks approaching fuchsia. ‘OK Jez, if you’re sure?’

  Jeremy gave a firm nod.

  ‘Okay, well, we were talking about the rules, weren’t we Liv?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right. Jeremy – you can sit this one out since you’ve only just got here. But everyone else, I want each of you to think of one new BUC Ground Rule.’

  They all looked down at their laps. ‘Come on guys,’ Olivia said. ‘Try and think of them like The Commandments or something. You know, so that other people might benefit, in the future.’

  Jeremy shot Holly a pointed stare.

  ‘Come on guys, rules can be fun. Whether it’s the 5-2 rule, or to never wear socks with sandals, these things just make the world a better, more controllable place. A little less catastrophe is good for everyone!’

  Holly exchanged a look with Harry that said ‘mad as a box of frogs’.

  ‘I’m talking sense here,’ Olivia went on. ‘Just think, all the best civil societies were originally founded on strong codes. It’s what separates us from savages. It’s only through having a social contract of some sort that we can prevent chaos and preserve order. It’s basic Rousseau. I think… but my degree was a long time ago now.’

  ‘What the shit?’ said Harry, while Jeremy pulled out a small notepad from his pocket.

  ‘All right, I’ll start,’ Bella said eventually. ‘“Thou shalt not have a relapse with an ex only weeks after breaking up with them.”’

  ‘GOOD!’ Olivia said, clapping. ‘We’ll call that Rule Number Twelve. Now, here are a few more I’ve already thought of. Like, the other day, when we were in that cafe in East London and the song came on and upset Holly. It made me think we need a rule like…’ and she began to read from an A4 sheet, ‘“Limit your exposure to radio until your third trimester.” Obviously you’ll still need to go out in public sometimes, so it can’t be helped in those instances. But if you’re just at home, it’s worth bearing in mind.’

  ‘OK so that’s one covered,’ Harry said, ‘what else you got?’

  ‘Actually, there’s a lot more to it. If you’ll allow me to elaborate, I’d like to talk to you about an expansion of Rule Number Ten. A little something I’m calling the “No-Go Zones”.’

  ‘Blimey, what are they?’ Jeremy asked, scribbling notes onto his pad.

  Olivia cleared her throat. ‘We’ve touched on these before. But just to recap, No-Go Zones…’ she resumed reading from her A4 sheet, ‘fall loosely into three broad categories. One: the Locational Variant.’

  Holly closed her eyes and began to seriously consider getting back together with Lawrence.

  ‘By this we mean, be mindful of the geographical boundaries of your break-up. Avoid entering certain high-risk areas, for fear of memory bombs being detonated. For example – the bar where you first met your ex,’ she paused for dramatic effect, ‘or the street where your first kiss was stolen, or the borough where your ex currently resides, and so on. The reason for this is basic psycho-geography – the school of thought which states that traces of our memories can get left in places, as little fragments of your mind. That’s why you can sometimes feel the energy when you go back to places of importance. Anyway, I digress.’

  The others slowly nodded, and Olivia went on with her sermon.

  ‘Next, the Musical Variant: It is often the case with break-ups that one’s music collection takes a blow. Many songs inevitably fall prey to “our song” syndrome and must therefore be banished. In extreme cases, whole albums or back catalogues may face exile. Accidental exposure to certain songs – however fleeting – must be treated with absolute caution. And as I mentioned, for their own protection, members should refrain from radio exposure for at least one month.’

  Olivia looked at Holly pertinently, while Harry gave her a reassuring pat on the back.

  ‘I’m loving this,’ Jeremy said, scribbling on his pad.

  ‘Are you taking notes?’ Holly said, noticing that Jeremy now appeared fractionally less wretched than when he’d first showed up.

  ‘I am – this is all really good stuff!’ he said, writing down the words Poss. on-screen chemistry between H & H – potential for breaking of rule no. 9? Beneath that was already written Bella – beautiful, vagabond kooky – show stealer. And Olivia – super-skinny, sexy in Made-In-Chelsea way, ball-busting legal eagle, control freak. Harry – the metrosexual, not-quite-gay best friend.

  Olivia smiled at the newbie and went on. ‘Moving onto the Gifting Variant: For a limited period, certain “sad” items of jewellery, accessories and clothing must face quarantine. The beautiful shoes or earrings your ex bought you must remain safely stowed at the bottom of the wardrobe. Or, better still, eBay. Even though they complement your favourite outfits perfectly, no good can come of you wearing these items while they are still “sad”.’

  ‘There’s always Primani for interim replacements,’ put in Bella, but Olivia’s brow furrowed at the suggestion she would ever shop in such an establishment.

  ‘Finally, a note about timings. All of this will go on for as long as necessary. Until one day, when you’ll be able to assert the first major bastion of BUC law: that actually, The Ex is not legally entitled to custody of your music, TV shows or anything else. One day, when you’re strong enough, you’ll claim them all back.

  You’ll be there, shouting “This Is A Reclaim!” across a crowded dance floor, an incandescent smile on your face!’ Olivia stepped down from her imaginary lectern, and took a deep breath and a long swig on her glass of wine.

  Everyone remained mute for a good few minutes, drinking it all in.

  ‘Wow,’ Holly said. ‘Reclaims. I like it.’

  ‘Yes. You’ve really thought this through,’ Harry said.

  ‘Yah. I kind of want to give you a standing ovation. That was inspired,’ Bella said.

  ‘What she said,’ Jeremy said, laughing. ‘The public are gonna love you,’ he added, before his face froze.

  ‘Beg pardon?’ Olivia said, shooting a look of alarm across the room at Holly, who was shaking her head at Jeremy in disgust.

  Jeremy forced a smile as though this was all perfectly natural. ‘Oh, did Holly not mention it? I was only saying to her the other day how all this will make a blinding reality show.’

  As gasps filled the room, Holly said calmly, ‘And that will be all from Jeremy this evening. I’ll show you out.’

  ‘Wait, I’d like to hear more about this,’ Bella said, pouring him another Jack Daniels.

  Jeremy sat forward in his chair. ‘Well, we’d be aiming for a twice-weekly show on Sky to replace the Prowl slot.’

  Bella’s eyes dilated as though she’d just discovered the entire meaning of the universe. ‘This is beyond exciting! Why didn’t you tell us, Holly?’ She scowled across at Holly. ‘I’m a singer, but I suppose Holly mentioned that as a potential recurring storyline? My journey from the open-mic circuit, to being given a record deal as a result of being on the show and finally getting some exposure…’

  ‘Um, no, Bella. Strangely enough that didn’t come up.’

  Olivia, Holly and Harry exchanged winces across the room, while Jeremy stared at Bella’s chest.

  ‘You do have a striking voice – and stage presence
, I imagine.’

  ‘Mostly jazz, blues, that kind of thing. Oh and some French pop. Gotta love a bit of Brigitte!’ Reaching across the Jenga towers, Bella brought down a CD and handed it to him. ‘Here’s a copy of my EP I’ve just released,’ she said, turning it over to point at the back cover. ‘And you can find me on SoundCloud, here.’

  ‘Erm, B, can we just stop you there?’ Olivia said. ‘I don’t think you’ve noticed, but it’s clear from the rest of the room that this TV show idea is an absolutely diabolical one and won’t be happening in a million years. I will testify to this in a court of law if need be.’

  ‘In fairness,’ Harry began, ‘as a concept it’s not so bad, if you made it into a comedy or drama you could keep the basic concept but fictionalise it all, keep everyone’s integrity intact.’ But no one could hear him through Bella’s squeals of mounting desperation.

  ‘Please, guys, this could fix my singing career! Give it the PR-injection it needs! Will none of you even consider it? For me?’

  ‘Sorry B. It’s not happening,’ Holly said as a tantrum-ette began to percolate in the contours of Bella’s face.

  ‘Come on hon, you’re not that desperate for fame. Have some dignity!’ Olivia said.

  ‘I thought we all signed that away when we joined the club?’

  Jeremy downed his drink and stood up. ‘OK, I can see I’ve outstayed my welcome. But if I could just leave you with this final thought…’

  ‘Who is he, Jerry fucking Springer?’ Olivia said, now red in the face.

  ‘I do think you’ve hit upon something universal. Just think how many people there are out there that could really benefit from your club, and from all this wisdom you’re codifying.’

  Olivia looked at Holly as if to say, uh-oh, he’s touched a nerve with me there.

  ‘It reminds me of that moment in the film Amelie, when she asks “how many people in the world are having an orgasm right now?”’ Jeremy’s eyes widened. ‘At this exact moment, any number of relationships and marriages are ending, all over the world. I put it to you – think of the thousands of people you could help with your little community!’

  ‘He makes a good point there,’ Olivia said, and Bella looked around at the others with her best puppy-dog eyes.

  ‘Tie it all into a well-funded social media platform, and you’ve got yourself something massive,’ Jeremy said.

  ‘He’s right! We could have a blog, and a message board. It would be nice to help others!’ Bella said.

  ‘Or, we could carry on quietly helping each other out in our own discreet little outfit,’ Holly said, glaring at Jeremy.

  ‘But think of all the people in Britain – the world – who aren’t fortunate enough to have friends like you!’ Jeremy said. ‘Others who might be driven to do something more desperate without the support they need. And not to mention, there’d be a small financial remuneration to you all for taking part.’

  ‘Our dysfunctional love lives are not for sale!’ Olivia said at the same time as Bella asked, ‘How much?!’

  ‘OK, that’s enough. At the risk of sounding inhospitable, Jez, Get tae fuck!’ Harry said in full Scottish as he stood up. He wasn’t quite tall enough to pull off intimidation, but it was better than nothing. ‘Before you cause the Break-up Club itself to break up.’

  ‘He’s right, Jez. I’m afraid Break-up Club is now officially a private members’ club,’ Holly said. ‘Say your goodbyes because I’m showing you the door.’

  Just before she shut Jeremy out, she stopped. ‘OK, hand it over.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The hidden camera. I wouldn’t put it past you.’

  ‘Eh? What do you take me for!’

  ‘If I’m honest, Jez, I really don’t know what to take you for,’ was what she wanted to say. ‘On the one hand you’re a manipulative psychopath and I’m terrified of you; on the other I feel desperately sorry for you.’ But instead she said, ‘No, of course. Sorry if I overreacted. See you at work.’

  ‘Guys, I am so sorry about him!’ Holly said, back in the room. ‘The cheek! To try and make us feel sorry for him, and all along he’s researching!’

  ‘I do feel sorry for him. I think you were all far too hard on him. His wife’s just left him!’ Bella said.

  ‘The man’s a spineless manipulator,’ Harry said.

  ‘Obviously he’s a bit creepy but I think he’s got a good side, too.’

  ‘He’s brought his alleged divorce on himself though. I know for a fact he uses inter-marital dating sites,’ Holly said.

  ‘What, that’s a thing now, really?’ Harry said.

  ‘Sadly, yes. Anyway, how about we all try and erase the last hour? Where were we before JezGate?’ Holly said.

  Harry stood up and poured new drinks for everyone.

  ‘Well, now he’s gone, we can ask you properly, Hol, how have you been doing?’ Olivia said.

  Holly sat down. ‘Good days and bad days. I think it’s just hitting me. I’m suddenly feeling scared I won’t ever meet anyone, ever. Or worse, that actually, Lawrence was the one I was meant to be with for life, and make babies with?’

  ‘Well, you know what they say – if you liked it, then you should’ve put an egg on it!’ Bella said.

  ‘For the love of shit, Hol, he wasn’t anywhere near good enough for you,’ Harry said, and Holly’s mouth fell open.

  ‘He’s right, Hol. He was an absolute tool!’ Bella said.

  ‘And you choose to tell me now!?’

  ‘We’ve all known for ages,’ Olivia added.

  ‘But we didn’t like to say too much when you were together,’ Bella said.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You can’t tell someone what to do about their relationship while they’re in it. No one on the outside can ever really understand what goes on in the inner circle,’ Harry said, a flicker of nostalgia in his eyes. ‘But now you’ve seen it for yourself we can tell you.’

  ‘What was wrong with him then?’

  ‘Is there really any point going over this?’ Olivia said.

  ‘Yes! It will help me get over him. Seriously, anything bad you’ve ever wanted to say about him, let’s have it. DO YOUR WORST!’

  ‘All right then. You asked for it,’ Harry said, looking delighted.

  ‘Fig. 1. He was a financial fucktard.’

  ‘Fig. 2, he was bad in bed,’ Bella said.

  Holly’s mouth dropped open, as though she was shocked to hear that Bella had been trying him out.

  ‘Don’t look so surprised – you told us all about it! You used to say – and I quote – “He has the libido of a slug that has just OD-ed on Biryani.”’

  Holly couldn’t help laughing. ‘I don’t remember saying that.’

  ‘Oh Hol, you know we all liked him as a person. But he just sometimes didn’t know when to stop,’ Bella said.

  ‘Er, pot, kettle?!’ Holly said.

  ‘I think the trouble with Lawrence was, he was a little too kooky,’ Harry said sagely.

  ‘Yes. With Lawrence, the fun would always end up overkooked,’ Bella added, giggling.

  ‘What, like that old saying? Too many kooks…’ Harry said, and Holly mimed being sick.

  ‘OK, enough now,’ Olivia said, ‘I think we get the point. Lawrence’s kookiness was unmanageable.’

  ‘Yes! He was an Unmanageable Kook!’ said Bella, gasping as though they’d just landed upon the meaning of life, the universe and everything.

  ‘I like it,’ Harry said. ‘So now all we need to look for is the opposite: a Manageable Kook.’

  ‘Imagine finding someone who was that perfect balance of creative, yet practical,’ Holly said, seeing an image of Luke flash up in her mind. ‘Can such a person exist? Reliable without boring? Fun without exasperating?’

  ‘There must be someone out there like that,’ Bella added. ‘What about, a producer on a film set? Or an architect?’

  ‘That rare specimen of being. The Manageable Kook,’ declared Holly, rather liking the way it sou
nded. ‘Let us go in search of them!’

  ‘Yeah right,’ Olivia said. ‘I’m sure you’ll find one. Maybe in the local supermarket, RIGHT NEXT TO THE UNICORNS.’

  ‘Haha. No, you’re probably right, we’re just dreaming. Can I change the subject please, to something much more pressing?’ Holly asked.

  ‘Of course,’ Olivia said, who was getting used to her role as the lollipop lady of the conversation flow.

  ‘This one’s for Bella, really,’ Holly said, ‘Does the toothpaste thing really work? I might have to start doing it as my spots are now getting worse.’

  ‘Not you as well? For Christ sake, we are too old for acne!’ Bella said.

  ‘It must be an offshoot of break-ups if you’re all getting them,’ Olivia said.

  ‘But where are yours, Miss Pristine?’ Bella stared up at Olivia’s face, scanning her pores for any sign of imperfection, desperately seeking sebum.

  ‘Nothing,’ Bella said, frowning, ‘she doesn’t have ANY blemishes of any sort!’

  ‘Well if the break-up spots haven’t got her, the break-up diet certainly has – you look like you’ve lost a bit of weight,’ Holly said. ‘God, not that you ever needed to. There is no good way to say that sentence is there!’

  Olivia smiled. ‘Hardly. If anything I’ve put weight on! I can’t get into any of my jeans anymore. And I might not have spots but I’m definitely starting to exhibit the signs of ageing.’

  Bella’s eyes brightened. ‘Really? How so?’

  Olivia pointed to her hair. ‘I’ve been getting pop-up greys since finals. Been dyeing them for years!’

  ‘She has a flaw! God bless us all,’ shouted Bella, topping up everyone’s drinks.

  ‘That’s not all though. I have to wax,’ Olivia whispered, pointing to her upper lip. They all went quiet. ‘Here. I have hair, here. Thick, dark little horrors. A big old tash, if you will.’

  Gasps spread around the room like a bush fire in the Outback.

  ‘And lately, I’ve been getting these weird soft, fine hairs on my face. So seriously, I’m thinking of growing them all out for next Movember. I bet THAT would raise some cash for charity.’