‘You...’ Her voice faded. ‘I’m so sorry, Xavier.’
‘I’ve accepted it.’
‘How...how do you know?’
‘I was married, Leyna,’ he reminded her, and saw hurt pass over her face so quickly he didn’t know what to think about it. So he continued. ‘Erika and I tried to have children before she died. We could never conceive.’
‘That must have been terrible for you...and Erika. I’m sorry.’
Emotion churned inside him. Erika had been devastated by their battle to have children. And when they’d found out that there was no medical reason why they couldn’t, she’d turned angry.
By then, she’d learnt that the allure of marrying a king had only been in her imagination. That the reality of it was far more demanding—and sometimes more demeaning—than she’d wanted.
Would she still have felt the same if she’d become a mother?
He never gave himself the permission to consider it. All he knew was that the only thing that had kept Erika committed to being Queen had been the prospect of a child. And when that hadn’t happened she had become more and more withdrawn. And he’d felt more and more guilty. Because though there’d been no proof that it was him, it had to be.
‘Why not? Why can’t you have children?’ Leyna’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts.
‘We tried and we didn’t conceive.’
‘Yes, you said that.’ She frowned. ‘That doesn’t mean you were the reason you couldn’t conceive.’
‘It wasn’t Erika’s fault,’ he said sharply.
‘I wasn’t saying that it was. But there is such a thing as unexplained infertility.’
It was what the doctor had told them, too. But, as someone who’d needed answers, Xavier hadn’t been happy with that. Neither had Erika. So he’d accepted the blame for it.
‘So there’s no medical reason that you can’t conceive?’
He clenched his jaw. ‘No.’
‘Then we still have a chance.’
‘I must have missed this unfeeling side of you when we were friends.’
He saw her flinch, but her voice was steady. ‘The reality of our lives—of our duty—doesn’t always allow us to feel, Xavier.’
‘Is that how we’ll conceive this child then? Without feeling?’
‘Why not?’
‘You have to have some kind of feeling to conceive a child, Leyna.’
‘Perhaps, if you want to do it naturally.’ She raised an eyebrow—taunting him, he knew, with the insinuation. ‘But, since this is going to be a contract, I think we should consider other options. To keep things...official.’
Relief and disappointment mingled in his chest. ‘You mean artificial insemination?’
‘Or IVF.’
‘It would take time we might not have.’
‘Which is why we should do it as soon as possible.’
With each word, his heart grew heavier. It weighed down his response so that, although he knew she was right, he couldn’t bring himself to agree. Agreeing would mean that the distance he’d sought from her for ten years would be destroyed. It would bring back all the feelings he’d avoided thinking about since Erika had died. Feelings of failure, of heartbreak.
And if he agreed to marry Leyna he knew he would feel as though he was being disloyal to Erika. Worse still, if it worked and Leyna fell pregnant, he would feel as though he’d betrayed Erika. He’d be living the life she’d once accused him of always wanting.
He wasn’t sure he could live with that guilt.
‘Do you agree, Xavier?’
‘Does it matter? You seem to have everything neatly planned anyway.’
‘Neatly?’ she repeated, disbelief in her voice. ‘This is probably the least neat thing I’ve ever planned, Xavier. Do you think I want to be married to you, to carry your child?’
‘Well, if it’s such a burden then—’
‘Stop it,’ she snapped, anger turning her cheeks red. ‘Our lives are filled with burdens. They’re called responsibilities. They’re a part of our duty.’ He saw her chest heave, revealing the passion with which she spoke her words. ‘Duty comes first, Xavier. It always has and it always will. This plan I’ve so neatly outlined is going to require sacrifices from the both of us, and it won’t be pleasant. In fact, I’m pretty sure it might destroy me.’
Her eyes widened and she turned away from him. It had been her first real show of emotion—proper, spontaneous emotion that told him the veneer of aloofness had been cracked. It had surprised her and, though he’d wanted to crack that shield, it had surprised him, too.
He didn’t know what to make of her words. What would destroy her? Working with him? Being married to him? Carrying his child? Was she just as affected as he was by the prospect that this decision would make them share their lives in the way they’d always imagined? Or was it because the circumstances of this life together were nothing like they’d imagined, ensuring that this decision would make their lives infinitely more complicated?
‘Perhaps there’s a simpler solution,’ he said suddenly, his thoughts turning him desperate.
‘There is no simple solution for us. For this,’ she said, turning back to him. Her eyes were bright, troubled, and he wanted to reach out and comfort her. But he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t know her any more. Comforting her wasn’t his job.
‘Duty is never simple,’ he said mockingly. But she responded seriously.
‘No, it isn’t. It will never be simple for us, nor will it ever be simple between us.’
It was the first time she’d made any kind of mention of their past, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. So he didn’t respond, instead letting the silence stretch. He felt it build, felt the tension pulse from both of them.
It made him want to ask her why she’d done it. Why she’d broken his heart. Why she’d broken them. It made him want to tell her how long he’d been broken. How he’d still had to pick up the pieces in the first years of his marriage to Erika. How that had started the cracks that had eventually broken him and Erika, too.
‘We can try to set up a meeting with Zacchaeus one more time,’ she said, breaking the silence.
‘You know that won’t work.’
‘Then we move on to Plan B.’
‘Marriage and a child?’
‘Marriage and a child,’ she confirmed.
‘We don’t have the luxury of time here,’ Xavier said quietly. ‘If Zacchaeus decides to attack either of us, our kingdoms will be helpless to stop him.’
‘One more attempt at diplomacy, and then we move on to Plan B, Xavier,’ Leyna said again. ‘Now, we should get back before they realise we’re gone.’
She set the glass down, its contents untouched, and walked out of the room before he could reply.
Chapter Three
LEYNA HAD HAD to leave the room—to escape Xavier’s company before she said something she regretted.
She already regretted too much of that conversation. That burst of emotion had reminded her of the woman she’d once been. The woman who’d died long ago. She needed to remind herself that the Leyna who’d let emotion guide her was gone. She had to be led by logic and reason. By the needs of her kingdom.
Because she was terrified of what would happen to her—inside of her—if she didn’t.
Her steps faltered. Her heart stuttered. Hurt pushed at the wall she’d hidden it behind. She closed her eyes, gave herself a moment. And then she straightened her shoulders and pushed ahead, forcing it all out of her mind as she walked into the hall.
Her royal duties required her attention.
Each year one of the islands in the Alliance of the Three Isles hosted the State Banquet to affirm their ties with other countries. There were thirty dignitaries there that evening and, considering the Isles’ geographical location, m
any of them were from Africa. The others were European, who, in honour of the three British men who’d found the islands with their African wives at the end of the eighteenth century, kept their ties with the Isles.
Leyna mingled, moving from the King of Spain to the King of Swaziland, and then to the delegation from South Africa. Before she knew it, dinner had been announced. She walked to the head of the table, her stomach turning when she saw Xavier. It wasn’t a surprise—it was custom that the monarchs of the Isles sit there—so she forced her feelings at seeing his blank expression aside and thought again of her duty.
She touched Xavier’s arm before he could take his seat.
‘We can’t have an empty seat at the head of the table. It would make Zacchaeus’ absence more conspicuous, and I won’t be able to field questions as easily if it’s staring our guests in the face. Someone has to sit in Kirtida’s place.’
He frowned down at her, but nodded. ‘Aidaraen?’
She shook her head. ‘My grandmother is the only one from Aidara who would be appropriate, and she—’ She no longer seems to think she needs to support her kingdom when she doesn’t approve of its queen. ‘She isn’t here. Can you ask someone from your family?’
‘My grandmother,’ he said immediately, but she could sense his reluctance. So things hadn’t got better in the ten years they’d grown apart, she thought. ‘She’d be the best option, considering my mother couldn’t be here tonight.’ His mother was ill, Leyna remembered. ‘Please excuse me.’
Formality—distance—lined his words. But it was for the best, she told herself, and hated the ache in her chest that said otherwise.
A few minutes later, Xavier returned with a graceful older woman at his side. Envy slithered its way through her before she shook it off. It was natural to envy the grace and poise the former Queen Consort of Mattan carried effortlessly with her. But envy was not a trait Leyna wanted to have as a queen, nor as a woman.
‘Your Majesty,’ Leyna said and curtsied.
‘Let’s not waste time with the formalities, Leyna.’ Xavier’s grandmother brushed kisses on both Leyna’s cheeks, and Leyna found her lips curving.
‘It’s lovely to see you, ma’am.’
The older woman sighed. ‘I recall you using that term years ago. But perhaps now we’ve reached the point where we can both use each other’s first names. Paulina will do. And don’t you dare refuse.’
Paulina lifted a hand to wave off Leyna’s response, and Leyna nodded.
‘As you wish... Paulina.’
Though she got an approving smile from Paulina, the name felt wrong on Leyna’s lips. To deal with it, Leyna made a point of avoiding addressing Paulina by name. She received a few looks that told her Paulina knew what she was doing, but Leyna just smiled in return and moved onto the next topic. Conversations were easy for her. Except when they were with former best friends—fiancés—Leyna considered, her eyes flitting over Xavier.
‘I’d hoped to see the new King of Kirtida here with us tonight,’ Paulina said when things were loud enough at the table that no one would overhear.
Though she could hardly manage to forget it, Leyna winced at the reminder. ‘I had, too.’
‘We should have anticipated this mess,’ Paulina continued. ‘There was always something in that boy’s eyes.’
Leyna didn’t respond, and Paulina turned her attention to the conversation beside her. Leyna was grateful. Her thoughts had clamoured at Paulina’s words, and she told herself, very deliberately, that it didn’t make her any less of a queen that she hadn’t anticipated their current situation.
It didn’t mean she’d failed her people.
She lived with the constant fear that she wasn’t doing enough. It didn’t matter how hard she worked, that fear remained. And she’d worked hard. She’d had to rebuild the morale of a kingdom that had lost its King and Queen in a matter of weeks. She’d had to earn their trust and make them believe that, though she was only twenty-one, she could be their Queen.
It had required all her time and all her attention. It had reminded her of her grandmother’s warnings. Was it any wonder she hadn’t had time for Xavier any more? She’d broken things off the minute she’d realised—really realised—how much work she had ahead of her.
It had hurt her to do so—more still when the demands of his crown hadn’t kept him from having a life. From having a relationship.
With someone who wasn’t her.
She closed her eyes against the anger, the jealousy, the resentment and pain, and fought off the loneliness that threatened to creep in. As it did almost every day.
‘Stop frowning,’ Xavier said under his breath. ‘People will think there’s something wrong with the food.’
‘Not the food, just the alliance they’re all here to celebrate.’
‘Don’t,’ he warned. ‘We’ll talk about it later.’
‘Yes, sir.’
She looked over in surprise when she heard his fork scrape against the plate. He was holding his utensils so tightly that his knuckles were white. It had her heart racing, especially since she wasn’t sure what had upset him.
‘Relax,’ she said lightly. ‘We have to keep the illusion of peace between the two of us.’
‘Are we at war then?’
‘No,’ she answered truthfully. ‘But our lives might end up being the collateral to stave one off.’
He didn’t respond to that, and somehow they made it through the rest of the dinner without saying another word to each other. Leyna led her guests to the more casual State Hall where the speeches would take place and gifts would be exchanged. She stood at the front next to the royal family of Mattan—Paulina, Xavier, his sister, Alika, with her husband, and his other sister, Nalini—accepting gifts with a smile even though she knew she was being watched.
No, she thought when her spine went rigid. She wasn’t being watched so much as judged. She knew her guests were wondering where the other member of Aidara’s royal family was. They’d always wanted that show of unity, especially after her mother had left Aidara. It seemed to reassure her people and their allies that Aidara was still as strong as it had been when Leyna’s grandfather, her grandmother Kathleen’s husband, had ruled.
But the last time Leyna had refused a suitor Kathleen had brought before her, her grandmother had declared that Leyna was a lost cause and had left Aidara for a diplomatic trip to South Africa.
It spoke volumes to Leyna that that was the least of her problems now. Because she also knew her guests were speculating more about the absence of the royal family of Kirtida than they were about Kathleen.
Murmurs had spread through the room as they’d gone through the formalities of the gift exchanges. No doubt discussing what the implications of Kirtida’s absence would be. She’d soothed many of the concerns when she’d done her rounds earlier, but that wouldn’t stop the rumours.
And there was nothing she could do about that.
She felt the room snap to attention before she saw why, and then felt her own body straighten in anticipation of the speech Xavier would be giving on behalf of the Isles. He’d stepped in front of the small podium that had been designed for the occasion. It was his presence, she thought. It commanded attention. She admired it.
He carried it with him so effortlessly—the authority, the confidence—that no one would have suspected he’d once begged Leyna not to leave him.
‘You’d never know how broken he is, would you?’
Leyna frowned, wondering how someone had read her thoughts. She shook it off and glanced over to see Xavier’s sister Nalini now standing beside her.
‘What do you mean?’
‘What do you see when you look at my brother?’
Leyna’s eyes shifted to Xavier. His muscular body wore the uniform representing his kingdom with ease, his handsome features set in an expression that was both
commanding and open. Her heart fluttered, and she blushed when she saw Nalini watching her.
‘I see a king.’
Nalini took a few seconds to respond. ‘I think that’s who he sees, too. I think that’s the only thing he sees. He lost the man somewhere. I think maybe it was when he lost the woman he loved.’
‘I can only imagine what he must have gone through when Erika died. Losing someone you love is difficult.’
‘That was hard, of course,’ Nalini agreed. ‘But I was actually talking about you.’
Shock seized her tongue, and there was a long pause before Leyna replied.
‘No. I mean, he didn’t... I don’t think that’s true.’
‘Oh, it’s true,’ Nalini assured her, uncharacteristically serious. ‘Things became worse after Erika. But it started with you.’
Leyna had no response to that.
‘Xavier’s marriage wasn’t...easy, Leyna. And then they struggled to have a baby, and... Well, it was a heavy burden on Xavier. Worse because Erika didn’t know how to carry her part of that burden—of being Queen and of not conceiving naturally.’
Leyna felt as if she were being sucked into quicksand. She drew on her breathing techniques, knowing that she had to control the panic building in her chest.
‘He loved her and he was devastated when she passed on. But it’s been three years now and...’ Nalini’s voice faded and Leyna could see the Princess’s concern for her brother.
‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘Not to upset you,’ Nalini said quickly. ‘I’m sorry if I have.’ Leyna nodded, but didn’t speak. ‘I think... I’d hoped that you’d help him. I know that’s probably out of line, but you’re the only person...’ She trailed off and then took a breath. ‘I’m telling you this because I thought you’d be able to remind him of the person he used to be. The man who’d lived and didn’t just rule.’
Leyna barely noticed that Xavier had finished his speech, but her heart raced when she caught him walking towards them.
‘Please,’ Nalini whispered, and Leyna didn’t get the chance to respond when Xavier joined them.
United by Their Royal Baby Page 3
