United by Their Royal Baby

by Therese Beharrie

  She felt shame at that, but it still alleviated some of her own pain. But that realisation had the emotions that had been hidden behind her hurt become more pressing, and the relief was short-lived. Especially when she realised one of those emotions was the very hope she’d suppressed when he’d first told her about the circumstances of his marriage.

  It worried her. And made a different kind of panic than the one she was used to throb along with her heartbeat.

  ‘What you had with Erika,’ she forced herself to say, making sure her voice was calm and matter-of-fact. ‘That’s more than most people get, Xavier.’

  ‘Maybe for us, Leyna. But not for people like Erika. She was normal before she married me. And normal people should have a chance at real happiness.’

  ‘She was happy, Xavier. That light I saw between the two of you on your wedding day? That was happiness. That was someone who was happy with the choice she’d made. Why don’t you want to believe that?’

  ‘Because she didn’t die happy, Leyna,’ he choked out. ‘And that was my fault.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  ‘I FAILED HER.’ Now that he knew he wasn’t infertile, he felt the truth of those words even more. ‘I should have given her a child, Leyna.’

  ‘Or she should have given you a child.’ Leyna’s expression was impassive. ‘It was more important to you. You needed an heir. Mattan needed an heir. In fact, it was her civil responsibility.’

  ‘That isn’t fair.’

  ‘No, it isn’t, is it?’ she told him mildly. ‘I agree. And yet that’s exactly what you’re telling yourself.’

  He was too stunned to feel betrayed by the trap. But it felt...strange to accept what she was saying. For so long he’d blamed himself for their struggle to conceive. It hadn’t mattered that there hadn’t been a medical reason indicating that either of them had been responsible. It had been almost...simple, easy, to accept the blame. Just as he had taken the blame for her unhappiness, for her struggle with being Queen.

  It was the first time he’d considered either, and he didn’t know what that meant. All he knew was that Leyna telling him she was pregnant had changed something. First, it had added to the guilt. But now, along with her telling him he was being unfair to himself...it had changed things. And because he didn’t want to face what that meant right at that moment, he suddenly remembered how they’d reached this conversation in the first place.

  ‘If I admit to being unfair to myself, would you admit that you’re doing the same?’

  She frowned, and he knew it was because of the question as much as the change in the direction of their conversation. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘This obsession you have with duty.’

  She gave him a look. ‘Really? We’re engaged and about to become parents for the sake of our kingdoms and I’m the only one who has an obsession with duty?’

  ‘At least I know why I’m obsessed. Why are you obsessed?’

  ‘I’m not obsessed,’ she said dismissively. ‘I don’t have a choice. It’s different.’

  ‘But you did have a choice.’ He kept his eyes on her face. ‘You had a choice long ago, and you chose duty.’

  ‘I told you why I did that.’

  ‘Yes, and you were afraid then. But there’s something more, Leyna, because you’re afraid now, too.’

  ‘Xavier, we don’t have time for this.’ She stood, and he saw the annoyance in her face and the set of her shoulders. But he also saw that it wasn’t only annoyance. No, her face held the same expression that she’d had when she’d told him she was pregnant. And since he knew that news had terrified her, he wanted to know what was scaring her now.

  ‘We have time,’ he said in a serious voice. ‘Tell me why duty is so much more important than love for you. Even though you admitted that it shouldn’t be.’

  ‘Duty is the most important.’

  ‘Love is stronger than duty,’ he replied, repeating Nalini’s words.

  ‘Is it, Xavier? Is it really? Because you chose duty over love when you married Erika. How was love stronger there?’

  ‘Since I’ve already told you that, we both know you’re deflecting.’

  ‘So you’re allowed to bring up things we’ve already spoken about, but I can’t?’

  ‘Still deflecting.’

  ‘I’m not deflecting,’ she snapped. ‘I just don’t want to talk about this right now. I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, for heaven’s sake. I’ve listened to you speaking about the woman you replaced me with—’

  ‘She was not a replacement,’ he hissed, and saw her wince.

  ‘No, of course she wasn’t.’ She closed her eyes. ‘I’m sorry, Xavier, I shouldn’t have said that.’

  ‘But you did,’ he replied in a hard voice. ‘Because keeping this secret is so much more important to you than speaking about it.’ He shook his head, the desire to get her to admit what was really going on disappearing. ‘I’m trying, Leyna. I have tried since this entire situation began. But no more. I’m not putting myself through this any more.’

  ‘Through what? Through trying to figure out the past? I told you there was no point in it. You can’t be angry with me for that.’

  ‘I’m not,’ he answered, his anger seeping away, leaving only a bone-deep tiredness. ‘But you’re fooling yourself if you think that all of this is because of the past. Not ours, at least.’

  When he saw she didn’t understand what he meant, he told himself he would try one more time and then move on. This was for his child, he thought, and ignored the voice in his head telling him it was for him, too.

  ‘You’re carrying something around with you, Leyna. I don’t know what it is, but it’s there and you’re using your responsibilities as Queen to coat it so you don’t have to deal with it.’ He gave her a moment to process his words before he continued. ‘Of course, duty is important. But you were right when you said it earlier. It shouldn’t be the most important thing. Not if we want to lead our people properly.’

  ‘You think putting our happiness before our duties will make us better leaders?’ she scoffed.

  ‘No, but doing it the other way around doesn’t either.’ He realised the truth of his words as he spoke them, and felt something free inside him. ‘I’ve done it the other way, Leyna. I know how that ends. And for a little while that made me a bad king. So yes, maybe I do think being happy will make us better leaders.’ Again, he thought of the conversation he’d had with Nalini. ‘And you know? I think our people would want us to be happy, too.’

  She didn’t respond, and silence grew between them for several minutes before he realised he was no longer needed—or wanted—there. He walked to the door, ready to leave, but before he did he said, ‘You’ve always put duty first, Leyna. Do you think doing that has made you the kind of queen you always wanted to be? If so, then fine, we’ll go on to be dutiful spouses and parents. But if not...’

  He left with the possibility his words had suggested hanging in the air.

  * * *

  Damn him, she thought furiously. Damn him for bringing up something she’d told him in confidence when he’d been her best friend.

  For pushing when she’d told him not to.

  For seeing right through her.

  Leyna’s hand itched for something to throw, but instead she walked to the balcony and breathed in the sea air. She’d seen her father do the same thing so many times. She didn’t think he’d ever noticed, but she’d watched him all the time. Even as a young girl she’d known that she would one day take on his role, and it had made her perceptive.

  And what she’d perceived had scared her.

  The crown had taken her father away from her. He’d changed so drastically after his coronation that Leyna had known it had been because of the crown and what it meant. She’d told Xavier once that she hadn’t wanted to turn out that way. S
he’d repeated it the day he’d proposed. And now Xavier was telling her she’d become exactly what she’d feared.

  Oh, he hadn’t said it so explicitly. He wouldn’t. But she knew that was what he’d meant. And now she was worried that she had inherited the ugly sides of both her father and mother.

  She pressed a hand on her belly at the thought, squeezing her eyes closed against the tears she had no power to stop. She desperately hoped that wasn’t true. What would she be leaving her child with then? It had suddenly become incredibly important that she give her child more. He or she didn’t deserve what Leyna had received. Her child deserved what she’d had at the beginning—supportive, caring parents who’d put their child first. Not what she’d ended up with.

  She stilled, realising for the first time that there was something more important to her than duty. It shook her. So much that she barely made it back to the couch before her legs gave way. She took a breath, steadied herself and ignored the inner voice that screamed at her to ignore the realisation. She’d done that so often in the past that it had become her default, but she needed to think this through.

  Her first thought was that Xavier was right. Clearly there was something in her focus—she refused to call it an obsession—on her duty that wasn’t purely about duty. She saw now that it was partly because she hadn’t wanted to turn out like her father. And she’d thought that zeroing in on her duty was how she was going to prevent that.

  Her father had been a good king, but he’d not been the best father once he became King. So, she’d reasoned, if she didn’t have a family to let down, she could focus on being Queen. It made sense in a cruel, ironic sort of way. Because, though she’d succeeded in being Queen and doing it well, it had turned her into the miserable person that her father had been.

  And yes, she wasn’t disappointing her family. But she was disappointing herself, because that wasn’t the kind of queen she’d wanted to be. Or the kind of person.

  Then there was her mother. Even the thought made her nauseous, so she knew how much it affected her. She shut her eyes against it, and brushed impatiently at the tears that kept on coming. She couldn’t stop them. Not when she’d just realised why she’d placed so much emphasis on her responsibilities. Leyna hadn’t wanted to be like her mother either. Not as a mother, and not as a woman.

  Responsibilities meant something. But because Leyna hadn’t had responsibilities other than the crown, she’d channelled her passion for that belief into ruling. Now she had more. She had a child to think of. She had someone who deserved her love and respect—she wouldn’t abandon them when they needed her the most. Or when the demands of the crown became difficult.

  Love is a wonderful thing, but when you lose it you lose sight of what’s important.

  Her grandmother had been right. When Leyna had lost Xavier, she had lost sight of what was important. But that hadn’t been duty. One day Leyna would forgive herself for thinking that. Because how could she not? Her grandmother, the closest family member she’d had left, had drilled it into her. She’d focused on duty so absolutely herself that Leyna had had no choice but to follow.

  But no, what was most important was love. She’d convinced herself it wasn’t and that she hadn’t needed it when she’d pushed Xavier away. When she’d let her fears overwhelm her and overshadow her feelings. And then she’d forgotten how to love herself, and her dreams for her future.

  Those dreams had been a balance between family and her royal duties. Those dreams had been filled with a family with Xavier. With them balancing their royal duties together.

  Losing him had been the worst thing that had happened to her. Losing his friendship and his love. It had made her into a version of herself she hadn’t wanted to be. And now, with their child on the way, she wanted to be better. She wanted to show her child what was important.

  And since she’d just realised love was important, and that love included Xavier, she had a lot to think about.

  For herself, and for her child’s sake.

  Chapter Fifteen

  XAVIER WAITED TWO days before he contacted Leyna again. He knew they were on a deadline with Zacchaeus, but forty-eight hours wouldn’t change anything. At least that was what he hoped, and he would have dealt with it if something had come up.

  But he needed time to think, to process after his last conversation with Leyna. And he’d wanted to give Nalini one more chance to back out before she made a decision that would change her life for ever.

  Had he known how much his life would change when he’d agreed to the marriage and pregnancy of convenience with Leyna? If he had, he’d muted the warnings. He’d done what he’d thought was required of him. And that was what Nalini was doing now, stubborn in her decision to go ahead with the arranged marriage with Zacchaeus if that was what he and Leyna wanted.

  He’d warned her. He’d told her all the things he wished he’d known before he’d made his decision. But she’d just given him a look and lightly told him that their experiences wouldn’t be the same.

  ‘You’re getting married to your first love for the sake of the kingdom,’ she’d told him. ‘I’m getting married to a man I barely know. Obviously, I have the harder job here, so while I appreciate that our situations are similar, they’re hardly comparable.’

  And that had been the end of the conversation.

  But the moment he’d found out Leyna was pregnant, he’d known their options were limited with Zacchaeus. Aidara and Mattan would have to negotiate with Kirtida, and face whatever the consequences would be. They’d find out the details in the negotiation, but that conversation would only happen once they told Zacchaeus of their decision.

  Which would entail speaking with Leyna.

  The thought of it had his heart racing, but he forced himself to make the call and was now waiting for Leyna to arrive. So, naturally, everything he’d wanted to avoid thinking about when it came to the woman who was carrying his child was now traipsing through his mind as casually as teens in a mall.

  There was the happiness—the pure, unadulterated happiness—he felt about being a father. And, of course, the guilt that came along with it. He’d thought once that he would never become a father. He’d felt Erika’s devastation—and his own—thinking they would never have a child. And with Leyna pregnant, so easily, too, he knew there would be guilt.

  But it wasn’t as consuming as it had been before. Perhaps because he’d realised that there were some things outside of his control. And, yes, also because Leyna had shown him that blaming himself or Erika for something that neither of them could logically take responsibility for was unfair.

  But it had him thinking that struggling with the fact that there was a child was just as difficult for him as the fact that Leyna was carrying the child. He wasn’t sure if that guilt would ever entirely go away either. For that to be a possibility, he would have to accept that Erika had loved him as much as Nalini said she had. And there was something inside him that just didn’t quite believe that to be true.

  He didn’t like what that said about them or their marriage. Especially since he’d agreed with Leyna when she’d said he and Erika had been as happy as they could have been, given who they were and how they’d come to be together. Things had been complicated between them, and that was how he’d always remember it.

  But that was why he was wary of getting involved in another complicated relationship. In another complicated marriage. More so now because there was a child involved. And, for the sake of his child, he would ignore the feelings he could now admit he had for Leyna. The feelings that had perhaps never really gone away. And maybe never would. But their marriage, their relationship, would be cordial and respectful for the sake of their duties—royal and parental.

  He felt pretty confident in his convictions until Leyna walked through the door to his library in a beautiful blue dress with her hair falling freely around her face. It was as if
his heart was mocking him for thinking he could be anything but in love with her.

  That thought stole his breath, had him sucking in air like a dying man, and had her rushing to his side.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asked, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

  ‘Yes,’ he rasped and walked away, out of her embrace and away from that intoxicating floral scent she wore. And then he turned back to her.

  ‘What upset you?’ she asked, but he wasn’t completely listening to her. No, he was listening to the voice in his head telling him to kiss her.

  He wanted to see whether he was fooling himself by believing they could be in an amicable marriage. He wanted to know if the feelings he’d only just allowed himself to acknowledge were in fact love.

  But when he strode towards her, snaked an arm around her waist and touched his lips to hers, he thought only that he really, really wanted to kiss her.

  Though he knew it was, it didn’t seem like a terrible idea when he could feel her melting against him. When her mouth opened to offer more and her tongue plunged, taking more.

  He wanted to pull back and enjoy her. To enjoy the way she looked in the soft sunlight streaming through the open balcony windows directly onto them. To savour the look of her, needy and womanly, in that beautiful blue dress with her hair framing her face.

  In his arms.

  But he didn’t, too afraid that if he pulled back he would come to his senses—that she would come to hers—and stop before he’d had his fill.

  Take, a voice whispered in his head, and he listened. He let his hands roam over her body. Up the sides of her, revelling in the slight curves, the tempting softness, and stopping just beneath her breasts.

  He could feel her heart beating and smiled against her mouth when he thought her heart rate matched his. One hand slid up to cup the base of her neck and then pulled gently at her hair, angling her head so that he could now take, now give, more.

  His mind, already hazy from their contact, went completely blank when her hands pulled his shirt from his pants. His body, already heated and wanting, ached more as she undid the buttons of his shirt, exposing his skin and torturing him as she started her exploration.