Surreptitious (London)

by Breeze, Danielle

  “This is it baby girl. You are now, and always will be my ‘IT’ girl, but I’m sick of going round in circles and getting nowhere with you. There’s nothing more I can do, I’ve tried everything with you. You think I’ve broken you, but that just isn’t the case. You can feel again, and that scares the shit out of you but it’s REAL. I’m walking away and I’ll find someone else. She won’t be you, there will never be another you, but maybe that’s better for me...because men feel too Tay, my heart will always be yours...but I won’t be...Bye baby girl”

  Without even looking back he turned and walked away. Left me standing in the middle of god knows where in the fucking dark with no idea how where the fuck I was.

  Well...shit.

  Chapter eighteen

  Taylor

  I was lost. I wasn’t feeling nothing...I was feeling everything. I was feeling the silence, the pain, the loss...I felt it all. I refused to speak to Harper and I knew she was heartbroken, properly...heartbroken.

  But when I eventually found my way home after what will henceforth be known as ‘the incident’, I found Jase sitting on my sofa, without the TV on, staring at his feet. I stood in the doorway and clenched my teeth in an effort to allow him to speak before I ripped his fucking head off when he whispered in a broken voice.

  “I warned them. Promise you babe, I wasn’t on board with that plan. I told them, I said it wouldn’t work and I said that you would react badly. But let me try and explain some things to you...”

  He went on to explain the fact that it wasn’t Jax who had gone looking for, and evidently found, that letter. He explained that Jax had gone to Harper to ask for help because he didn’t know why I was still holding back from him. Shit.

  He went on to further explain how he’d told Harper about the letter to see if she agreed with him, that it was the cause of my ‘holding back’ from myself, thus holding me back from him. And lastly he explained that Jax had made Harper promise to keep everything between them so that Jax could work out what to do before they took any ‘action’ and Harper had come up with the ‘intervention’ plan and informed Jase and Mason of it before Jax turned up.

  When his explanation ended, I blinked, took a deep breath, walked over to him, crawled into his lap and sobbed until the early hours of the morning, at which point we both must have drifted off.

  I woke up the morning after and my eyes were sore, red, swollen and really not a pretty sight. Jase left around nine and I decided I wasn’t going to attempt to face the day, at all. No I was going to drag myself from the couch, to my bed, crawl under the covers and sleep my entire day away.

  This plan lasted until about two o’clock in the afternoon when I woke up to the feel of someone shuffling the covers, climbing in and wrapping their arms around me. I stilled and twisted my neck to find that Harper was clinging to me like I was the air she needed to breathe, but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t look at her when I spoke, I just whispered...

  “You need to leave.” I heard her breath hitch and a strangled sob escaped her before she muttered...

  “I’m so so sorry Tay. Please forgive me, I thought I was doing the right thing. You think you fool everyone with your badass front but you don’t. I mean, we’re your best friends for a reason, I wanted to help you.” Instead of responding to that, I just repeated myself.

  “You need to leave.”

  I could feel her tears on my back and her body was shaking against mine.

  Was I being too harsh? Maybe.

  But for a girl who doesn’t trust anyone, to have one of the only two people she does trust go behind your back and go through your things to find something that should never have been found. No, that shit does not fly with me. I didn’t want her to feel how I did though so I threw her a bone in the form of “I’ll call you when I’m ready to speak to you. If we speak now, I know I’ll say something I regret. So please please just...go.” I braced for whatever she might say next, but she just slid away from me, rolled back out of my bed and thirty seconds later I heard my front door click shut. I then proceeded to burst into tears. Again.

  The longest I’ve ever gone without speaking to her was about two days and that was out of just not having enough time during my exams rather than being upset with her. I was hurting, bad! I needed Jax, and seeing as I couldn’t have him, I needed my best friends and I only had half of them. My safety net had crumpled, my wall was wobbling and my shield was fucking rusty.

  So on day six of cutting myself off from everyone and everything, I decided...Fuck them! This what they wanted, they wanted to prove my weakness, they wanted me to break me so they could play fucking doctors and nurses and put me back together? Well fuck them! I didn’t need there branch of bullshit, I’d just deal with it all by myself as, fucking, usual!

  I stood up, and because I was trying to prove a point (even though I was on my own!..Yeah I really thought that through!), I did it too quickly, immediately felt a rush of blood to my head and rocked back on my feet. Fuck, how are you gonna face all your demons alone if you can’t god damn stand up by yourself Taylor!!

  I threw myself back down on the sofa, wrapped one arm around myself in a protective gesture, and put the other arm over my eyes to block out the world when a loud banging at my door made me jump and run to answer it. I was more than confused when a seriously-pissed-off-looking Ruben was pacing on the other side.

  I was about to greet him, when he shoved past me and stalked into the lounge. I frowned at his out-of-character assertiveness, but followed him regardless. I barely stepped into the room before he laid into me.

  “What is it with you? Really? Do you set out to make people miserable? If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were just a fucking con artist. What? You’re happy to let Jax buy you presents, take you for trips out, get free entrance, drinks and whatever else you fucking want at the club, yet you won’t give him an inch? Seriously, I wanna know...what is it with you?” I squared my shoulders and shot back.

  “Don’t speak to me like that in my own home!! I don’t ask for any of that shit, it’s his fucking choice, I told him to leave me alone!! I gave him a fucking chance didn’t I?! The first thing he god damn does is sprout a load of shit about how I can trust him and he’d never hurt me, whilst going behind my back to scheme with my best friend!!”

  “Scheme?! Are you for real?! He was trying to help you!! You’re behaving like an ungrateful spoilt fucking bitch. You want all the good stuff without even giving him any of you in return. I came here thinking maybe you’d wake the fuck up and do what’s right but I can already see I’m gonna have had a wasted journey.”

  “Fuck you! You came here, what? Thinking you could change my mind by telling me I’m a con-artist and an ‘ungrateful spoilt bitch’?! I don’t think so! You’ve barely spoken to me since we’ve all known each other so who the fuck are you to judge me?!” He sighed and looked at the floor before his voice softened and he replied.

  “You’re right. You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry. But you don’t understand. Since Jax has known you...he’s happy. I’ve never seen him like that, even when you’re arguing, he’s strutting around whistling to himself and smiling for no reason. It’s sick, it’s disgusting...but it’s really good to see. That’s down to you! But the longer you string him along, whether you’re giving him hope, or you’re giving him false hope, he’s feeling like it’s his fault that you won’t open up to him and it’s not fair of you to do that to him. You bought the new Jax to the surface and you shouldn’t shut that back down, it’s good for everyone.”

  “I can’t...I don’t...” I blinked hard to stop the flow of tears and breathed...”really?”

  “Yeah, I mean, it’s good ya know? He’s funny and he’s smart and he did good by us. But he used to work, all the time. He didn’t have anything else to concentrate on. He’s different now, he laughs more, he talks more and he spends so long trying to make you enjoy your life, he hasn’t even realised that he’s starting to enjoy his!” He shrugged
like it was obvious.

  “I think that’s the most you’ve ever spoken to me at one time! It’s really nice of you to say, but well...I’m just not sure I believe you! Since the second day I ever met Jax he’s been wild and fun and carefree. I’ve laughed more since I’ve met him than I think I ever have, even before...ya know. I’ve also argued and bitched more...but we’ll ignore that bit!” He blew out a breath before responding.

  “Look, you weren’t there, so you wouldn’t know, but times were bad for a long while. He didn’t give up on us and he was my hero...he still is my hero. There ain’t many men who practically idolise their older brothers like I do. We’re not the same in any way, but I still think he’s one of the best people I’ve ever known. I can’t imagine where we’d be if he hadn’t have come back into our lives...prison, most likely. You know, I’m not usually a talker, I’m a listener, I watch what goes on and I analyse it. I hope you know where I’m going with this...because you’re so busy hiding behind this, bitchy, angry hostile persona, you’ve forgotten who you really are. Jax has done nothing but treat you better than he’s ever treated any woman, and there’s been a fair few. Was he as slutty as they make out? No not really, but he went through a lot of women. It wasn’t a slutty thing; it was just the fact that no one deserved his time. Not his decision of course...it wasn’t like he ever actually said, these women are not good enough for me. It was a subconscious choice. It’s natural selection, the best with the best, the strongest with the strongest.” I opened my mouth to contradict him but he raised a hand and returned to his speech.

  “I’m not finished. It’s like magnetism. He was drawn to you, and regardless of what you say, you were drawn to him to. Not that I believe in it, but it’s soul mates, it’s inevitability, it’s undeniable and some things are just meant to be, whether you like it or not, you and Jax are...meant...to...be.”

  I swallowed the panic rising within me and considered his words before denying it all.

  “We’re going to have to be just friends! If he’ll even let me be that to him now. But you’re right about one thing though, he is a really good person. I like him...but I can’t go there again. People can’t be trusted, especially men...he’s already proved that. Why is it not good enough for me to keep him in my life as a friend? If we were in a relationship, he’d break my heart and heartbreak is not pretty. It’s safer for us to just stay friends. Look what has happened already!! Screaming in the street, a split lip, best-friends that are not speaking and a girl who’s eaten more than her body weight in ice-cream over the last five days!” He clenched his teeth and growled in frustration at my words.

  “Are you for real? Surely you can’t be that stupid? You could not be more wrong!! You think he’s gonna hang around while you play your games with him? He loves you for fuck sake!! Why would he want to watch the woman he loves waste her life by sticking to some fucked-up rules she set herself when she was still firmly in the stages of grief? HE WOULDN’T!! Either cut him off all together and let him move on, because right now...he’s fucking miserable. Or pull your head out of your fucking arse and do something about this. What you’re doing? You’re protecting yourself...by hurting everyone else. Eventually, all that strength, that beauty...just all that is you...is gonna end up being a sad, lonely old bitch, who has no one to blame but herself” He pointed a finger in my direction and concluded his lecture with...”Fix this.” And with that, he stormed out and slammed the door. Hard.

  I stood frozen to the spot, staring at the door letting his words wash over me. Shit. A thousand thoughts raced through my mind, fleeting little niggles, thoughts I did not want to be having. But out of everything, the one thing that kept flashing at the forefront of my mind was...HOLY SHIT. MOTHER FUCKING SON-OF-A-BITCH...THEY’RE FUCKING RIGHT!!!! EVERY...FUCKING...ONE OF THEM!!

  I swear it was like an epiphany. Of course they were all right. I wasn’t fucking living!! I was breathing, I was acting and I was bloody laughing...but I wasn’t fucking living, I was watching it. An outsider, an entity, an individual with no substance. It was safe to say that ‘ahhh crap’ was a slight understatement once I had realised this, I needed a plan and I knew just who could help me form one. I grabbed my phone, dialled a number and held it to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  “My place, ten minutes, bring the letter. Can you make it?”

  “Ah...um...yes, yes I can. Are you um...okay?”

  “Ten minutes babe.”

  I hung up, scrolled through my contacts and dialled again. I listened for a couple of rings when a familiar voice answered.

  “Taylor?”

  “Yeah Mase, it’s me. I...ah...I think...could you come to mine? Like...now?” There was a few beats of silence before he asked...

  “You want me to come to yours? I mean...I can...but why?”

  “I promise, it’s good...I think. Look I’ll explain everything when you get here okay? Can you make it in ten minutes?” He agreed and we both hung up.

  I paced back and forth in the lounge until I heard a knock at the door. I thrust the door open and let out the breath I was holding when I saw both Harper and Mase standing outside. I grabbed one hand from each of them and dragged them across the lounge, shoved them down onto the sofa, turned, stomped back to the door and slammed it shut.

  Mase raised an eye-brow at my forward behaviour and Harper looked like she was fighting a giggle. I ignored both of these looks, stood in front of them and planted my hands on my hips.

  Go hard or go home right?!

  “Here’s the deal...what happened last week was shit. I hated it. I still hate it. But these last few days have been the second worst time in my entire life and I’ve decided I hate that more. I wanna read the stupid letter, well...I don’t...but you were right and I need to. I’m gonna do it, today, now, with both of you here. I’ll read, I’ll react...then I’ll ‘deal’.” Mase grinned at my use of Jackson’s phrase and I grinned back before going on...”I want to move on...properly...I need you” I glanced at Harper “to help me, then I need you...” I swung my eyes to Mase and said “to help me with Jax. I love him too...and I don’t think I knew it until this morning but you weren’t there when he chased me, it wasn’t pretty and I think I’ve got a hell of a fight on my hands to win him back.”

  I watched as the smile died on Mase’s face and he shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. He bit the corner of his lip, which was hot, looked over towards the window, took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.

  “He...I...argh damn. Babe he’s got an um...date...tonight.” I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and my heart started to ache. He said he loved me! And SIX DAYS later he’s on a date! I thought on it for a nanosecond before a wide smile spread across my face. I spotted Mase and Harper share confused glances but I exclaimed...

  “That’s perfect!!”

  “Um, it doesn’t seem...very perfect, to me babe?” This came from Harper, but I didn’t answer her, I waved a hand to the side of my head and said...

  “We’ll deal with that in a minute. Just trust me on this ok.” I smiled a rueful smile at my choice of words and asked Harp to hand me the letter so I could get that out the way first.

  I held it like it would burn me and I felt sick to the stomach but I took a deep breath and slid my finger under the flap to break the seal. Both Mase and Harper we’re biting their lips and preparing for me to break down but it all changed when I opened it out. There were three pages in the envelope; one of them was a letter from the actual prison explaining that they’d sent the letter on behalf of the ‘inmate’. I fucking love that word when it’s associated with HIM! Then there was a fucking visitor’s form to get a visit?! Fuck me; this dude just gets crazier and crazier. And finally, there was literally a scrap of paper, looked like it had been torn from a notepad and there was only writing on one side of it. That’s not a fucking letter! It’s a note!

  Dear Taylor,

  I’ll be honest with you, I don’t even really know why I’m writing
this to you knowing that you’ll probably never even read it, I just needed to. I know you’ll never forgive me, and I wouldn’t really ask you to do that anyway. I just wanted you to know that I DID love you, you’ll never believe that’s true and it wasn’t part of the plan, but I did. When everything started I was a twenty year old lad who thought that would it be ‘cool’ to earn fast money when Jamie asked me to get involved.

  It was never meant to happen like that but even if it hadn’t, I still would have been seriously in the wrong and well...It won’t ever be enough, I know that, but...I’m sorry. Sorrier that you can ever imagine that we did this to you.

  I hope you’re ok and have managed to do something with your life better than I did.

  I asked the warden to put a visitor’s form in, just because I thought maybe one day you might want more answers.

  Matt xxx

  I finished reading, flicked the paper over to double check that there was nothing on the other side...and burst into hysterical laughter! I laughed so hard that tears formed, streamed down my face and my vision blurred. Mase frowned and glanced and Harper who looked just as puzzled. He reached for her hand but she slyly pushed him away and glared at him. Hmm, interesting.

  “Are you...are you okay Tay, ‘cause I gotta say, you’re kinda freaking me out!” This came from Harper and I nodded but continued laughing. It eventually turned into a chuckle and then I breathed deep and stopped.

  “This...this is what I was worried about for five years?! Oh...my...GOD!!”

  I handed the note over to them and Mase held it between them so they could both read it at the same time. Within seconds Mase was shaking his head and Harp looked like she wanted to commit murder herself. She launched into a rant about, not knowing what love is, wasted sorry’s and ‘stupid bastards writing a note to say, oop’s...sorry I killed the only family you had’...but I wasn’t listening. I’d already switched off and started thinking about what Jackson’s reaction would be.