In Search of Healing

by Katie Holmburg

  Four

  When she woke, it was still dark and every inch of her ached from the wrenching sobs. Pushing herself slowly to her feet, she sighed, unable to believe that she’d fallen asleep in the entryway. Feeling Penelope weaving around her ankles, she reached out blindly and flipped on the light. She immediately regretted it and slammed her eyes shut as a few stray tears managed to escape her watering eyes.

  Taking a deep breath, she slowly opened her eyes, ignoring the headache pounding at her temples. She always got a raging headache after crying, no matter how cleansing the cry had been. It took a few minutes, but her eyes finally adjusted enough that she could fully open them. Scooping up the cat, she glanced idly at her watch and was shocked to discover that it was after four in the morning.

  Making her way to the kitchen to feed Pen, she felt curiously numb. She’d been such a mess of emotions since Captain Jones had given them this assignment that the lack of emotion was actually a relief. Her hands moving automatically as she fed the cat, she tried to order her thoughts.

  She felt like she’d been running since the ogre attack, like she hadn’t had a chance to catch her breath. Pausing, she frowned. No, she’d felt that way for a lot longer than just the ogre attack. She tried to unravel the thought tugging at the edge of her mind.

  Penelope nudged her hand and she finished filling the bowl and absently petted her before turning around and leaning against the counter. This wasn’t a new feeling – this breathless anxiety and inability to catch up – it was one that was achingly familiar. So, when had it started?

  It wasn’t Druery, although he irritated and annoyed her. It also wasn’t Lirim. Although she had fought hard against having a partner, she couldn’t ask for a better one. It hadn’t been the ogre incident; that had been blind panic with a hint of fear, but no anxiety. So farther back than that.

  She drummed her fingers absently on the countertop, lost in her thoughts. It wasn’t when she’d joined HSI; she’d been excited and determined to prove herself. And it hadn’t been when she’d joined the police. She’d been so exhausted from the academy that it had been a relief to finally join the department. And she’d been torn between numbness and anger when she’d joined the academy, determined to catch Lena’s attackers.

  She froze when she realized exactly when it had started. It was when that officer had answered Lena’s phone. That was the exact moment that her world had irreversibly changed. It was that moment when she’d felt the full truth of mortality; that it was possible for those that she loved to be ripped away from her in less than a moment. That she could lose the sister of her heart without even having the chance to say goodbye.

  That was the moment that had broken her.

  That was what she had been running from all this time.

  That was what was causing her chest to tighten; the source of her inability to draw a deep breath. And she had lived with it for so long that she’d forgotten that she could even breathe deeply; that there was a time when every day hadn’t hurt and she’d been truly happy.

  She whispered into the silence of her apartment, “I’m broken.”

  When she spoke, the numbness seemed to take an even greater hold on her. She thought that she’d done such a great job of putting herself back together and moving on with her life. But she’d merely covered up her wound. She hadn’t dealt with it properly and now it was festering. She felt tears trickle down her face but ignored them. These weren’t the wracking sobs of pain too long denied from the night before but tears of sorrow at realizing how truly broken she was.

  However, these tears were healing in a way. The sobs the night before had lanced the invisible wound and now these tears were part of the cleansing. Aletta took a steadying breath. She still had to decide if she wanted to deal with this pain or if she would just go back to ignoring it.

  Hearing the monotonous beeping of her alarm going off in her room, she shoved her thoughts into a dark recess of her mind and straightened up, wiping roughly at her cheeks. She could think about it later. Madame Grandine would be expecting her and Lirim early and it was never a good idea to keep her waiting.

  * . * . *

  When Lirim came and picked her up, she was ready. The numbness had returned and she found she had trouble forming words beyond the minimum necessary for societal civility. Lirim didn’t comment on her quietness, but she saw him sneak several glances at her out of the corner of his eye. Totally exhausted from the night before, she couldn’t even dredge up the energy to reassure him.

  Even though he obviously sensed that something was wrong, she knew that he would be unable to find anything visually. If nothing else, the crying jag had helped to clear her mind, and she’d been able to start thinking rationally again. Although it had been a few years, she hadn’t forgotten how appearance-based the opera world was.

  While talent was of tantamount importance, appearance was almost of equal importance. It was time to stop running like a scared child and approach it like the job it was. She’d done her makeup in a carefully understated style and chosen her outfit with equal care. It was the opera’s equivalent of war paint and armor, and it was time to enter the battlefield in full gear. Although they wouldn’t be meeting with the Canticum group until tomorrow, she knew she still had a lot of fences to mend from her abrupt departure.

  When they pulled up to the studio, she forced out, “Guard your expression. Everyone wears a mask here; it’s expected. Most of the scrutiny should be on me, but they’ll be watching you as well. At this time of day, it’s Madame Grandine’s master students. They’ll be watching me closely for mistakes, especially after my abrupt departure. Just..don’t be...surprised by how I act in there. It’s part of the game.”

  She knew that her voice was clipped and harsh, but he didn’t comment on it and merely nodded his acquiescence. She appreciated that he wasn’t going to push her about her reticence. She knew that he didn’t know what they were walking into, but she couldn’t really explain it to him until he’d actually experienced it.

  Climbing up the stairs, she took a moment to mentally adjust. Centering herself deeply as Awena had been training her to do, she shifted herself to the present, sweeping away any doubts or uncertainty plaguing her.

  Briefly touching the locket around her neck, she glanced at Lirim briefly before squaring her shoulders and sweeping through the door. Everyone else had already gathered. It was a small group, with only five people present besides Madame Grandine. There were two men and three women, all her peers. Two of the men and one of the women were vaguely familiar to her. It had been three years since she’d last been here, so some changes were to be expected.

  She studied the other two closely, noting small changes. Tessa, a delicate looking brunette with striking hazel eyes, hadn’t changed much physically and Aletta was willing to bet not much personality-wise either. Which was a shame, since she was sugar-coated poison. While she appeared sweet and innocent and sucked up to those above her, she was cruel and cutting to those that she believed were beneath her. Aletta had been on the receiving end of both from her and knew that everything about her was totally fake. Bottom line, at the end of the day, Tessa did what would most benefit Tessa and the rest of the world could burn for all that she cared. Aletta made a mental note to warn Lirim about her. Tessa was always very cautious around anyone that she didn’t know, not showing her true nature until she deemed that that person had nothing to offer her.

  She smirked faintly at Tessa and saw her bristle slightly. She then turned her attention to the other woman that she knew. Elyssa. Ely. It had been a few years since she’d seen her. The years had been kind to her. Her red hair had darkened to auburn, and her figure had filled out into a woman’s. She was dressed impeccably, as required of all Madame Grandine’s students, not a hair out of place. Why then, did Aletta get the feeling of frazzled exhaustion from her?

  She surveyed Ely thoughtfully. They’d never exactly been friends, but they hadn’t been enemies either. The fledgling
prima donna had a very blunt personality and no time to waste on people who were not committed to the opera. She loved her career wholeheartedly and could be fierce and single-minded in her pursuit of perfection in her craft. Aletta finally decided that it was her eyes. Elyssa’s green eyes carried hints of tiredness and a burden too heavy to bear. She would investigate her more thoroughly later.

  Having paused long enough for them to thoroughly scrutinize her and knowing that they wouldn’t be able to find any trace of her rough night, she swept over to Madame and kissed her on both cheeks. “Madame, thank you for so graciously inviting Mr. Bosk and me this morning. How I have missed this place and being among other singers. The agents, they just don’t get it, right, Mr. Bosk?”

  Lirim, who remained at the edge of the gathering, gave Madame a neat little half bow. “As always, it’s a pleasure to be in Madame’s company.”

  Madame Grandine smiled warmly at him. “Neatly done, Mr. Bosk.” She turned brisk. “Now come, everyone. Daylight is wasting and talent left unhoned fades into nothing.”

  They fell into line behind Madame as she led the way to the large practice room they would all be in for the next few hours. Aletta happened to end up next to Ely and decided to test the waters. “Good morning, Miss Cooper. How are you?”

  Her expression was more guarded than the Ely that she remembered, but her reply was just as direct. “Why have you returned? Not a word for three years and suddenly you’re overcome with longing to return to the opera.”

  Aletta kept her expression neutral as her mind raced frantically. She’d forgotten how sharp Elyssa was. She needed to come up with something believable; something more than what she had told Madame Grandine. Finally, she answered quietly, “Police work is losing its glamour for me. The more I see, the more I want to return the opera. It is a fantasy world, but at least there is beauty as well as pain here.”

  Elyssa observed Aletta closely, but Aletta was careful not to let any of her real mission show in her eyes or posture. Ely’s green eyes narrowed momentarily before she shrugged and said, “I guess we’ll see, but don’t expect me to be glad that you’ve returned. You walked away and never looked back, never let us know that you were even alive. As far as I’m concerned, you should restart as a novice and maybe someday return to the status you once had, once your loyalty to the opera has been proven. Time will tell, I guess.” She moved ahead of Aletta, the conversation clearly over.

  Aletta winced internally, already regretting having to go undercover. She was resentful of having to return at all. She took a deep breath and shrugged the feeling aside. Time would tell indeed.

  * . * . *

  They were released for the day at noon, and Lirim had never been so glad of a dismissal in his life. He hadn’t worked so hard since his days of training for the guard. Who knew that there was so much involved in being an opera singer? He thought that you memorized the words, stayed in tune, and that was it. But no, there were scales and speaking exercises, breathing exercises, how to walk, talk, sit, stand, gesture. And if that wasn’t enough to make his head spin, there was key, pitch, harmony, counterpoint, and the various classes of singers, from bass to soprano.

  Needless to say, his head was reeling, and he was overwhelmed by the time that Madame Grandine finally allowed them to go for the day.

  Still, he was rather concerned about Aletta. She had been flawless all morning, moving through all the exercises as if they were as easy as breathing. And maybe for her, the exercises were. But there was a strained air about her, a subtle tension that he doubted anyone else had picked up on.

  She had looked impeccable when he had picked her up. She had performed her role flawlessly, but it was lacking the heart, the essence that was Aletta. He didn’t know why, but when he looked at her, he got the feeling that she was coming apart at the seams, and he didn’t know how to help her.

  Making a decision, he pulled into a park instead of heading for Awena’s where they had planned to spend the afternoon training their gifts. Parking, he got out and quickly circled the car and opened her door. She blinked up at him as he held out his hand. “C’mon, I need a walk before we head over to Aunt Awena’s. It’ll be good to stretch our legs.”

  She sighed quietly but allowed him to pull her out of the car, which he took as a good sign. This park wasn’t one of the more popular ones, making it one of his favorites. It was a quiet place, a place to relax and find peace. Aletta didn’t say anything, but as she walked quietly beside him, he could almost see her spirit relaxing, her inner turmoil temporarily calmed by her peaceful surroundings.

  He carefully steered her over to a bench and wordlessly urged her to sit. She sat, but he felt her subtle withdrawal, which was odd because she hadn’t said a word since they’d left the studio. Instead, he simply sat and kept watch on her from the corner of his eye.

  When she realized that he wasn’t going to push her, she relaxed and simply soaked up the sunshine. Several minutes passed before she asked, “Why did we come here?”

  He smirked inwardly, triumphant that he’d managed to draw her from her gloom. “It’s been a stressful few days. I often come here when I need to unwind, even if it’s only for a few minutes. I thought that you might need a break after being around everyone all morning.”

  She was quiet for several moments and he wondered if she was just going to ignore him. She finally said quietly, “When I get overwhelmed, it’s hard, to find words. It’s like there’s... a silence... all around me. Getting words out can be exhausting. And I feel so drained when it happens, that I often can’t even summon the energy to try speaking. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve been ignoring you. I... it’s just…” She seemed to be searching for words but coming up empty.

  He smiled gently. “It’s all right. Words can be hard to find and harder to use. I haven’t felt ignored, but I can feel you shutting down, shutting everyone out. Just know that I’m here. If that means that we sit without talking for hours, that’s fine. If you need to smash all of your plates to bits and scream, I’ll be there too. But we’re partners. I need you to trust that no matter what you do or say or act, I can handle it. Please, trust me at least that much.”

  She was about to reply when a large man ambling down the path caught their attention. He saw her frown and she mumbled, “He looks familiar somehow.”

  He was about to question her further when the man spotted them. His eyes widened and he changed course, making his way over to where they were sitting. When he drew nearer, Lirim could tell that he was wearing a glamour. He was obviously some kind of super. Unsure why the man was approaching, Lirim stood, his hands loose and ready to go for a weapon at any sign of aggression.

  To his surprise, the man ignored him entirely and knelt before Aletta. “It is you, lass. I’m glad that I ran into you. I’ve been wanting to apologize to ye.”

  Aletta glanced over at him, her gaze confused, before returning her attention to the stranger. She said quietly, “I’m sorry, but you have me at a disadvantage. I don’t believe that we’ve met.”

  Lirim was surprised to see the man flush and rub the back of his neck. “Well, we have and we haven’t.” When she just looked at him expectantly, he sighed. “I was the one that chased you that night. You know, on the full moon.”

  Aletta’s eyes widened slightly, her surprise clearly evident. “Oh, you’re the ogre who was…” She broke off abruptly and coughed to cover her embarrassment at almost calling him moon mad. She said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you in your current form.”

  He chuckled slightly, “Yes, my natural form is quite a bit larger. Anyway, I want to apologize for chasing and frightening you, lass. Moon madness runs in my family. Usually, I’m safely tucked away inside before moonrise where I canna hurt anyone. Is there anything I can do to make up for it?”

  Aletta looked at him thoughtfully before her expression softened. “From what I’ve read about moon madness, it is uncontrollable and there is nothing that you can do while you are in
the grip of it. It’s like a dream state, an unreality if you will. You obviously regret what happened.”

  He nodded, his expression serious, and she smiled. “Then there’s nothing to forgive. Accidents happen, and there was no lasting harm.” A thought occurred to her and she asked, “You weren’t hurt, were you?”

  He chuckled at that, a hearty bass rumble. “Nay, lass. It takes more than a Lycan pack playing nice to hurt me. A few bruises and a pounding hangover the next day, but no permanent harm.”

  Remembering all the questions that they had left from the incident and the concern that someone was targeting Aletta, Lirim jumped into the conversation, “Excuse me, um...?”

  The ogre offered cheerfully, “William, but you can call me Will.”

  “Ok, Will. According to the agents who interviewed you after the incident, you didn’t recall much of it. Has it come back?”

  Shifting so he was sitting comfortably on the ground, Will shrugged. “Most of it. There are some blank spots but I don’t know if something happened then or if it was because I was unconscious. They tell me that the agents tranqued me after the Lycans stopped me from going after...” He turned to Aletta. “You know, I dinna even know your name.”

  Aletta actually giggled at this, the mirth surprising both her and Lirim. She gave Will a cheeky salute and said, “Pleased to meet you, I’m Aletta.”

  “Well, the pack interrupted my pursuit of Aletta. Then I remember some dark cars pulling up. Can’t remember much past that.”

  Lirim knew that HSI had responded to Aletta’s distress call and had ended up having to tranquilize the ogre. He thought it over for a moment before something occurred to him.

  Ordering his thoughts, he spoke slowly. “You said that moon madness runs in your family? And that you’re usually safe inside before moonrise?”