The Depths of Sorrow

by Eleanor Eden

  “But you don’t live here.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Come on, Burden.”

  I was quiet, thinking. Watching him reach inside the overhead cupboard, the muscles in his shoulders bunching beneath the thin cotton of his shirt. “You’re really looking good,” I said.

  “Would you stop that?” he laughed, pulling a box of crackers down, finally, and opening them.

  “What?”

  “Telling me how beautiful I am all the time.”

  “I do say it a lot, don’t I?”

  “Too much.”

  I laughed. “If you could have been on my side of the fence that first time we chanced getting close to each other -” I paused as his eyes clouded over, “well, you’d understand my relief at your newfound hygiene habits.”

  He threw a cracker at me in response.

  I grabbed it in a rare display of coordination (being pregnant had made everything that used to be lithe and graceful into something stumbling and awkward, it seemed) and popped it in my mouth, sending him a smug look.

  He made a theatrical display of sniffing an armpit, his arm held high above his head, and I giggled. “Ew.”

  He laughed, then met my eyes. “Is it a problem that I like to be around you?”

  “As long as it’s not due to an overblown sense of obligation,” I breezed, righting myself and then pressing upward with my palms as I stood. At seven months pregnant, any help moving around was worth the extra time it took.

  I looked at Money, who was gazing at my middle.

  “I’m the only one who can protect you,” he muttered quietly.

  “No, you aren’t. Don’t forget; I’m Fated, too. Just because I’m vulnerable doesn’t mean I need a 24-hour watchdog! I’m feeling really good – and even if I weren’t, there hasn’t been any sign of a dark one since we kicked yours in the balls.”

  He smiled. “You were amazing.”

  “I know!” I tried squeezing past him, but he only needed to stick a bony hip out to stop me. “Dude, I have to pee. And at this point -” I gestured to the beachball that was my tummy, “there’s not a whole lot of choice in the matter.”

  He grinned down at me. “She on your bladder again?”

  “Always.” I met his eyes, a little exasperated, but it melted away quickly when I realized how dark they’d gone. I laughed softly.

  “What?” He pressed a palm to my waist – what was left of it – and moved his thumb along my side.

  Great. Now I needed to empty my bladder and I had to fight the urge to wrap myself around him. “Why are you doing this? You just told me to stop,” I said, a bit breathless.

  He frowned. “What?”

  “You told me to stop telling you how beautiful you are,” I said, touching the hand on my side with my own, “but you do the same, just not with words.”

  He let his hand drop, and his eyes, too, as he moved to let me pass. He gestured toward the bathroom.

  “All things considered, saying it is probably better than – well, than your way!” I called through the door as I latched it. Money had been known to infringe upon my privacy for laughs. His, not mine.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right,” he replied, his words losing strength against the door.

  When I came out again, he was still standing in the same spot.

  I giggled. “What is going on with you today?”

  He shrugged, his eyes widening. “I feel extra protective of you lately.”

  I started to give him the I can take care of myself speech, but he held a hand up.

  “It’s not just that. It’s that I don’t want to be away from you. Like, at all.”

  It was my turn to lower my eyes. Despite my own objections to change my living situation, there was an emptiness now when Money wasn’t near. I’d asked Jay about it, but he’d changed the subject, mumbling “That’s to be expected, Burden.”

  Always the disgruntled teacher to my naïve student.

  It was annoying.

  I finally met his eyes again, and to my surprise, there were tears in them. “Oh – Money, you know I feel the same. So much so, that it scares me sometimes!”

  A tear escaped and rolled down his cheek. I reached to whisk it away, wanting to chase any trace of sadness from him. Wanting to make him happy.

  He took my hand and kissed it, and I sucked in my breath. “You’ve never done that.”

  He looked at me, touched my cheek, now. “I’ve wanted to. Your skin – your hair – the way you smell and feel - you’re a better high than any drug.”

  I floundered, getting lost in the depths of his eyes. “We weren’t going to do this.”

  “I know.”

  “So, what’s happening?”

  He shook his head, his thumb pausing on my jaw and then dropping. “You said you were scared, but I don’t think your fear is anything like mine. I haven’t been so close with anyone since Jonesy died.”

  I felt my own eyes well with tears, now. “I wish I could promise you that I’ll never die,” I whispered.

  He shook his head. “It’s OK; if all goes to plan, I’ll die a couple years before you.”

  I frowned.

  “One hundred years, remember?”

  I rubbed my forehead, taking a step back to regain my center. “Right.” I smiled up at him. “I think love comes with fear of being hurt, Money.”

  “I do love you,” he said. He’d said it many times before, even in front of Jay. Like a child, throwing the words out at both of us whenever the urge hit him. But now, it felt different.

  “I love you, too,” I found myself saying.

  It was something I hadn’t been able to say to Jay, even during the short weeks when our walls were down.

  “But we have boundaries,” I reminded him, feeling safe as I said it. Feeling sure it was best for him.

  And feeling unsure about whether I was ready for love with this man when I felt so conflicted about Jay, still.

  Money put a hand on my stomach again, this time to feel the baby move. “It’s complicated.”

  I nodded, reveling in his touch even when he meant it for her.

  “But I want to tell you something.”

  I looked up at him as his hand moved to my side again.

  “All those words we’ve said about my needing time and you needing to focus on the baby?”

  I nodded.

  “About you still loving Journey?”

  I faltered, then, lowering my eyes until Money brought them back to his with the gentlest nudge beneath my chin. “I don’t know what I feel for him anymore.”

  He nodded, once. “But the not knowing means you’re not ready.”

  I found myself nodding, again.

  “But – ready or not - I know without a shadow of doubt that I’m yours, Burden.”

  I only looked into his eyes, my emotions welling up like the surge of an undertow. “Holy shit,” I whispered, and he laughed. I let myself giggle, freed by his laughter. “That’s some heavy stuff to lay on a girl right before she goes to meet her bosses.”

  “It’s too painful to hold it in.” His smile faded and I saw his sincerity.

  “My little Money is all grown up,” I giggled, again.

  He scoffed. “Not all grown up, B,” he smiled, then stepped away, my skin burning where his hands had been. “Come on; get ready. I’ll make dinner while you’re gone.”

  I smiled, then climbed the narrow staircase to the loft. “Do you think pants are mandatory for planning meetings?” I called down, feeling strangely awkward because I’d done it again.

  I’d taken a man’s profession of love and though I’d returned it this time, I’d held back, too. I’d made no promises, hadn’t echoed his commitment.

  I pressed my palms against my swollen belly as I scanned my little cubbies for something comfortable to wear.

  “Only one way to find out!” Money’s voice travelled to me, laced with humor.

  “They haven’t seen me in a couple months; I think the shock
of my size is enough to lay on them,” I joked back.

  But inside I was confused and sad and angry at myself.

  I was tangled up, simultaneously loving two men in two different ways – one the father of my child, and the other a soul mate in every way possible. I’d been given a choice, and wanted desperately not to have to make it.

  Not yet.

  Chapter 2 – Revelations and Goodbyes

  I pulled into the driveway in the dusk of late afternoon, having been summoned by Jay only minutes earlier.

  I’d suspected as much; I hadn’t so much as had a text from Money all day. I’d even wondered if my lackluster response to his professions of love the day before had him hiding.

  He’d hidden before when he was hurt – for ten years.

  The gate was open, and I could see Jay through the front window on the second floor, hands in pockets, legs widespread in his typical stance. He looked solid compared to Money, who was still too slight for comfort.

  An uneasiness stirred in my belly at the automatic comparison.

  I need to stop doing that.

  Money had the front door open before I closed the car door behind me. I found myself breathing a sigh of relief at the sight of his smile.

  “Hello, gorgeous, he greeted me as I climbed the stairs.

  I stopped in front of him. “I missed you today.”

  “Journey and I have been talking,” he said, his eyes dark as he took my hands in his own. “But you could have come.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right. You and I both know I’m only here now because he’s decided it.” I glanced to the side of him into the hallway, annoyance at the feeling that Jay ruled them both biting at me. “I know he’s taken care of you, Money, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make your own decisions.”

  “I’m still getting used to that,” he said, looking shamed.

  My heart squeezed a little. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m annoyed with Jay; not you.”

  He stepped aside as Jay descended the stairs behind him. “I know you’re right. It’s a dynamic that’s hard to shake,” Money said quietly as I stepped inside.

  “Burden,” Jay greeted me with a nod, stopping mid-flight.

  “Jay,” I muttered, shrugging out of my coat as Money took it.

  “Wow,” Jay breathed, seemingly taken aback at the size of my belly.

  I looked down at myself. “I guess a couple of weeks makes a lot of difference at this point.”

  “You look good,” he replied, his features clouded.

  “Still can’t read you,” I grinned, then looked toward the kitchen. “Is there any food? You summoned me just as I was starting dinner.”

  “I’ll bring something up for you,” Money said, already halfway down the hallway.

  “No, it’s fine!” I called, anxious that he be present when I was with Jay.

  He barely looked over his shoulder, saying, “I’ve heard the first bit, anyway. I need a break!”

  I looked up at Jay. “What’s this about?”

  He motioned me to follow him with a jerk of his head. “Come upstairs.”

  I looked toward the kitchen.

  “He’ll join us.”

  I started up the stairs, hating the feeling of being called into the principal’s office, unsure what I’d done wrong.

  When we reached the comfortable lounge area on the second floor, the fire blazing brightly on the stone back wall, I folded my arms over my chest, determined to speak my mind.

  Jay sat on the arm of one of the chairs, crossing his feet at the ankles, his eyebrows raised. “Do you have something to say?”

  “I do. You can’t treat us like kids you have to keep in line, Jay. Your purpose is fulfilled, like you said it would be in the beginning of all this: you’ve brought us together. Can’t you stop acting like a stern father?”

  “I’m sorry; Money’s been in my care for a long time. And you -” he studied his feet absently. “You know I have to be careful with that.”

  I shook my head, working hard at shoving the familiar anger down.

  “Please have a seat, Burden. I need to speak with you.”

  I crossed to the sofa which sat perpendicular to the fire and sat, staring into the flames. Jay was opposite me, and moved to sit in the chair instead of leaning against it. “I’m sorry, too, that you feel ‘summoned’ when I ask to see you. I don’t know how else to do this, Burden, except to be formal.”

  I looked sideways at him. “Don’t look at me for ideas; it’s you who’s imposed the boundaries, here.”

  He pressed his lips together.

  I raised my hands in mock defense. “Oh, I apologize. It’s them. It. Whatever. What are they decreeing now?”

  “That’s why you’re here.”

  “Oh.” I sat up a little straighter, my stomach doing a flip.

  “The last time we talked, we were all concerned about the baby – we wondered if they knew and when they’d call me up to discuss it.”

  I blanched.

  “I can’t tell you anything except this: I’ve informed them of everything. They know.” He shook his head. “They knew anyway.”

  “You what? They what?”

  Suddenly Money was there, putting a plate of food on the end table. His presence calmed me. When he sat close and held my hand, I squeezed it back in gratitude.

  “I just wanted you to know that they know. There’s nothing to hide anymore.”

  “But what does that mean? Will she live? Is she a halfling? Will they allow her to stay with us?”

  Jay’s mouth was nothing but a white line.

  “Journey, just be honest,” Money urged.

  “The honest truth is that we have to see what happens – just like everyone here on earth.”

  “You’re telling me they won’t tell you? Or -” I laughed, “they don’t know?”

  “I’m telling you they know she exists. There are no secrets.”

  “Bullshit!” I exclaimed, standing suddenly. My belly tensed in response and Money reacted automatically, his hands on my contracting muscles.

  “It’s just a practice contraction,” I said, meeting his eyes. He looked so afraid my heart skipped a beat. “Don’t worry.” I looked back at Jay. “It seems to me there are still plenty of secrets you’re unwilling to share.”

  “It’s not that I’m unwilling; it’s that it’s not -”

  “DON’T – say it!” I yelled, raising a finger to him.

  “Burden -”

  “No!” I looked down at Money. “I’m sick of this shit from this – being?” I turned back to Jay. “You have to do this, you have to do that, but we won’t help – oh, and we won’t talk directly to you! We’ll use our Missive to relay our messages and to keep an eye on you!”

  Jay looked guiltily at the floor and Money took my hand, gently.

  “What?”

  Jay looked up at me. “I’ve had a nursery prepared, less the final decorations. I know you’ll want to do that,” he nodded toward the hall. I knew one bathroom and two bedrooms took up the other half of the floor.

  I sat back down. “You’re leaving.”

  Money squeezed my hand again and I sank into him. Thankfully, he was warm and opened his arms for me.

  “I have to. There’s something happening – something big.”

  “Let me guess,” I started, “you can’t tell us the details.”

  Jay’s lips all but disappeared. I looked at Money, noted how relaxed his strong jaw was, in comparison.

  He kissed my forehead and my eyes closed involuntarily.

  How can I feel so wonderful and so upset at the same time?

  “Right now, we’re just investigating. I’m sure, as things develop, we’ll be able to share more.”

  “Who’s we?”

  “There’s another Missive on this; I’ve worked with her before, but it was many years ago. I didn’t even know she was still alive,” he finished, a distant look in his eyes.

  I braced for the an
ger; the jealousy, but it didn’t come. How could it, when I had warm arms around me, wanting nothing but my happiness? Nothing but my comfort?

  “How long will you be gone?”