Ugly Beautiful Girl

by Tracy Krimmer

  My dad didn’t say hello to start. He went right upstairs to his room and took a shower. The first time Jesse talks to my dad is when he sits down at the table.

  “Jesse, this is my dad, Steve.”

  Jesse lifts out of his chair to shake my dad’s hand. “Should I call you Steve or Mr. Duncan?” He asks.

  “Mr. Duncan is fine.”

  “Dad!” I can’t believe he wants Jesse to be so formal. My mom isn’t insisting he calls her Mrs. Duncan.

  My dad lets out a chuckle, his belly moving beneath his shirt. “I’m joking. Steve is fine. Welcome to our home, Jesse. I hope you like chicken parmesan because Wendy makes the best out there.”

  “I’m sure any home-cooked meal will be spectacular. It’s sure a change from takeout all the time.”

  Doesn’t his foster mom or dad cook? I’m realizing how little I know about Jesse’s life. None of it matters. I like him for who he is, not where he came from, but as his girlfriend, these things should not be a surprise.

  “What do your parents do, Jesse?”

  My dad jumps right into the parents. I should have warned him, or my mother should have.

  “My parents? They’re not alive.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” My dad eyes me up, but it’s not like I had a lot of time to tell him. He made a bee line for the shower when he got home, not allowing anyone any time to talk to him.

  “It’s okay. My foster parents work a lot. Damien is in politics and Tasha is a doctor.”

  “Your mom fixes people? That’s so cool.” Rose joins the conversation. No one corrects her that Damien and Tasha aren’t his real parents. That would lead to too many questions.

  “Yeah, I guess it kind of is.” He answers her, not letting the little girl down.

  We eat the rest of dinner, exchanging conversations about our favorite colors and television shows since Rose seems to be our moderator. By the end of dinner, I think Jesse has warmed up to my family and feels like he fits in. I think he fits in, too, and I’m happy to be home. I don’t have Olivia looking over our shoulders and don’t have to worry about what other people think.

  After dinner, my mom invites us all to the screened in patio for a slice of her blueberry pie. I love our screened-in patio since it’s heated. We can sit out here all winter long regardless of the temperature outside and watch the snow falling. I remember a few times deer sprinting across the yard. That’s one of the best parts of living in a smaller town instead of a big city.

  “So, Jesse, Violet said you are in school for computers. Did you always enjoy computers?”

  “Yeah. No matter what home I was in I always locked myself in my room and worked on them. And once I got to high school, I made that my focus.”

  “Your focus?” My dad questions his high school curriculum.

  “I went to a private school. We took a lot of college prep courses, and I focused on that.”

  “Oh. Interesting. Violet went to a public school. How was it at a private school? I sometimes wonder if we should have pulled her out of her school and sent her to one privately.”

  I never knew my mom considered sending me to a different school. All the times I came home crying and upset over something that happened, she could have maybe changed things for me.

  Who was I kidding though? I’d have been just as ugly at a private school. I imagine Olivia with her perfect blond hair and celebrity like makeup. I would have stood out like a sore thumb.

  “It was okay. Every school has issues. Why would you have thought of moving Violet?”

  Shoot. I don’t want my mom to go into this. Jesse doesn’t need to know everything about my taunted past.

  “She had so many issues. I mean, her grades were always excellent, but she didn’t make friends easily.”

  Wait. Is she insinuating that I was the reason I didn’t have a lot of friends? She is making it sound as though I tried to keep everyone away, not that people made my life a living hell. She didn’t walk the halls everyday keeping her hands clutched to her books, pressed to her chest hoping no one noticed her. She didn’t have to be the one the teacher assigned to a partner because nobody in biology wanted to partner with me. No. My mom was the popular one. I’ve seen her yearbooks before, her photo on almost every page. I can’t even imagine what that’s like.

  “I don’t believe that. She’s so sweet.” He reaches over and takes my hand in his. My blueberry pie sits untouched on my lap.

  “Thanks, Jesse.”

  “Of course she is. Kids can be so mean though. They didn’t see that. They saw a weird girl. Violet didn’t even go to her own prom.”

  “You didn’t?”

  I shake my head and bite my lip, wishing with all my might this conversation would end. My mom may not realize it but she’s embarrassing me so much. I don’t want Jesse to know what a loser I was. But now it’s too late.

  “No.” I leave it at that.

  My dad, however, does not. “No one asked her.” I let go of Jesse’s hand and hug myself, wishing this moment away. This can’t be happening. My parents can’t be letting my first boyfriend in on the secrets I want to keep from him.

  All I wanted when I came to college was to start over. Between Olivia and Janna, they’re making that impossible. I was once one face in a few hundred. Now I’m one in a few thousand. Blending in should be easy. Still, I stick out and bring negative attention to myself. I can never win.

  “Well if I had gone to school with you, I would have asked.”

  My heart skips at the possibility of such a handsome guy asking me to my prom. I somehow doubt that was true, but I say nothing. All I can say is thank you, and I do.

  “I should get going back home. I promised Olivia I wouldn’t be gone too long.”

  I had completely forgotten about Olivia, that she would have been home with him. Hearing her name puts a damper on the evening.

  “Yes, I understand.” My mom stands and takes his plate from him. “By all means stop by anytime while you’re home on break.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate the offer. I don’t want to impose, though, and I think Olivia and I should try to spend time with Tasha and Damien.”

  “Yes, you should.” My dad stands and offers a handshake to Jesse.

  Once they say their goodbyes, I walk Jesse to the front door. I hand him his coat after he puts his shoes back on.

  “Thanks for coming,” I tell him, grateful for the time I had with him. “I didn’t think I’d be able to see you at all while on break.”

  “I miss you when I’m not with you.”

  “You do?”

  He pulls me close to him and kisses me. “Of course, I do.” I hug him, never wanting to let go. When we pull away from each other, he looks at me. “What’s wrong?”

  I don’t say anything at first, wanting to be strong. I can’t, though. I have to be honest. “I wish I could see you on Christmas. This is the last time I see you until almost the new year. What if you forget about me?”

  “Forget about you?” He touches his finger to my hair and then runs his hands through so he’s cradling the side of my head, his palm resting on my cheek. “Vi, I could never forget about you. When we’re back on campus, I’ll be there waiting for you. I—“

  “Violet and Jesse sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Rose bursts into the room at the worst possible moment, and I want him to finish his thought. She’s holding onto me now, laughing and smiling.

  “I’ll see you in a few weeks, Vi. I’ll call you tonight. I’ll call you every night until I see your face again.” He leans in and kisses me, and Rose shoves her face into my stomach so she doesn’t have to watch, the same Rose who was detailing our intimate moment just seconds before in a song.

  Once he leaves, I go to play with Rose, but I feel as though a part of me is gone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  First Comes Love

  They say you know when you love someone.

  But I ask if that’s really true.

&
nbsp; Can you truly sacrifice anything for anyone

  if you don’t even really love you?

  You meet someone

  and you fall in love.

  At least that’s how it is on TV

  and all the princess fantasies.

  What if you’re not the princess

  or even pre-Prince Charming Cinderella?

  Can you believe someone

  when they claim their love?

  What does it take

  to love yourself

  And for someone else

  to love you back?

  And what if you never find out?

  Then what?

  ^^^

  I arrive back to school the Wednesday after Christmas. The first thing I do after tossing my bags on my bed is race to Jesse’s dorm. Olivia’s things were already in our room, and I lucked out and she wasn’t. If she’s back, Jesse is, too, and I can’t wait to see him. We spoke every day during winter break, and I miss him with every part of my soul.

  I knock on his door, frantic, so anxious I can barely contain myself. Someone is rustling around inside. I’m tempted to grab the handle and open the door, but I don’t. The door opens after what feels like much too long, and his roommate stands before me.

  “Hi, Mark. Is Jesse here?”

  “Nope.” The p pops when he says it.

  My heart drops to the floor. “What do you mean he’s not here? He’s back, right?” I spoke with him yesterday, and he told me he’d be here before me. What happened? Did he stay home longer? Did meeting my family change things between us?

  “He’s back. He’s just not here. Check the quad.”

  The quad! That’s sort of become our place even though, technically, it belongs to everyone. I don’t even say goodbye to Mark, and race to the quad. I’m out of breath by the time I arrive.

  I see him. He’s sitting in our chair, reading a book. His hair is down and flowing over his shoulders. He tucks it behind his ear as he reads. I want to go to him, but I’m glued to the spot I’m in watching him. I can’t believe he’s my boyfriend. Mine. I never imagined I’d meet someone like him, and we’d be together. It’s a dream come true.

  He glances up from his book and sees me. He closes the book and sets it on the floor, and then motions for me to come to him. I float over to him and land right in his lap, and wrap my arms around his neck, and this time I initiate the kiss. I’ve missed his touch, his tongue. He’s so warm.

  “What was that for?” He asks.

  “Just a welcome back. I couldn’t wait to get back and see you. Did you have a nice few weeks home?”

  He shrugs. “I guess it was okay. I’m glad to be back here. With you.”

  I hug him, and I don’t want this moment with him to end.

  “Well, what do we have here?” Olivia’s voice slices through me.

  “Hey, sis.” Jesse greets his sister like it’s nothing. “Didn’t I just see you for like three weeks straight?”

  She gives him an evil stare, not impressed with his joking around. “I’m looking for Violet if you must know.”

  “You are?” We say it together.

  “Yeah. When I got to our dorm room you weren’t there. I checked the library but then I thought to check here, and well, here you are.”

  “Yeah. Here I am.” I’m speaking to her with caution, not sure what in the heck she even would want with me. And with Jesse around. She’s been careful to not let Jesse know the things she did to me and I haven’t told him, either. “What’s up?”

  “A couple of us are putting together a Valentine’s Day party, and I thought maybe you’d want to help.”

  “Really?” What in the world would even make her consider asking me? Besides her not liking me, I’m not exactly the party type. Sure, I’ve gone to a few of them, and they weren’t really my scene. “I don’t know how I could really help.”

  “I’m sure there’s something you can do.” We’re staring at each other, no one sure what to say at this point. I think even though she’s the one approaching me, she’s in as much shock as I am. “Look,” she continues as she shifts the weight from foot to foot. “If you and Jesse are going to be a couple, we should try to be friends.”

  Oh. My. God. I repeat this in my head like I’m Janice from Friends but less annoying. She and Jesse must have talked—really talked—while on break because a month ago there was no way this would even be close to a reality. I’ve been burned before, though, by people who pretended to be my friend. In the end, I always end up betrayed. Still, she’s right, and I have plenty of room in my life for friends, especially now that Janna isn’t speaking to me.

  “I couldn’t agree more.” I accept her invitation to help plan the party. It’s a month and a half away which will give us plenty of time to test our friendship.

  I hope we pass.

  The day I’m to meet Olivia’s friends is a tad surreal. The first day of school I planned on becoming good friends with my roommate and the college served me Olivia. Now, five months later, and it’s possible we may become friends.

  I’m first to the cafeteria and find a place to sit. I decide on a spot away from the guy eating a tuna sandwich. He smiles at me when I sit down across the room, and I’m polite and do the same.

  Cafeterias spark an odd feeling inside me. I avoided it most days in high school, sitting with Tina the days I found the courage to be present in that room. If school itself is full of cliques, the lunchroom is where they all come together and claim their territory. The table I’m sitting at now I think in my school qualified as the nerd table, which accepted me sometimes. I wasn’t always welcome at the outsider tables, but when I was, it meant I could eat my lunch comfortably with other kids instead of on the hard floor, in the library, or in the bathroom.

  “You beat us here! I should have assumed you were an early bird.” Olivia commands the room as she enters with two girls beside her. I recognize one of them but I can’t place from where.

  I don’t know what about me makes her assume I’m an early bird. Nothing could be further from the truth. Naps may be one of my favorite things in the world. I realize, though, that while I may want to dream about Jesse for all hours of the morning, classes and meetings like these take precedence, so here I am.

  “I wasn’t sure how busy the cafeteria would be,” I lie, “so I wanted to come down here and reserve a table.”

  “See? What did I tell you guys?” She turns to her friends who are laughing. I’m not sure why that’s funny or what Olivia told them, but I’m about moving forward. I won’t dwell on her commentary. I’ll push through.

  “Violet, this is Sarah and Brynn. Sarah and Brynn, meet Violet.”

  “Olivia has told us a lot about you.”

  I don’t like the words when I hear them. What could she have told them? None of it can be good considering this “friendship” came to be only a few days ago and especially based on our history. Did she tell them about College Slam, or the shaving cream, or perhaps they were part of it? I push it out of my mind. Jesse wants me to trust his sister, though, so I do, as best I can, anyway.

  Brynn seems familiar though. Sarah, I think I’ve seen walking around campus, but Brynn I don’t recognize from here. I can’t place her, but I’ve definitely seen her.

  “All good things, I hope.” I am sure this is not true; however, I’d rather say the lie outside and make myself believe it.

  Both girls ignore my comment, and this is probably for the best. If it wasn’t good things, which I am sure it wasn’t, what kind of person would admit that?

  “Shall we begin?” Olivia sits next to me and Brynn and Sarah sit on the opposite side of the table. Every single one of us has a notebook. I made sure I brought along a different one than my poetry book. I learned my lesson with that.

  “Okay, I spoke with the Dean’s office and Ms. Banister is excited we want to put this together. They’ve given us their blessing to use the cafeteria for the dance.” Sarah takes the lead with the planning imme
diately.

  “The cafeteria? I wanted to use Hauser Hall. The space is bigger, more elegant, and perfect for a dance!” Olivia sounds like she’s whining, and it’s obvious she’s upset she’s not getting her way.

  “Cool down, Liv,” Brynn says as she lifts her hand up in front of her face. Olivia shoves it away. “If this is what Ms. Banister approved, that’s what we do. She’s in charge of this stuff. The alternative is we aren’t given a space. I’m not holding another party off campus, not after the last one.”

  “What happened at the last one?” I’m almost afraid to know the answer.

  “Besides the fact that her boyfriend Alex left with some other girl, someone clogged the toilet so bad it flowed out of the bathroom, down the stairs, and onto the carpeting in the main living area. It was disgusting.” Sarah crinkles her nose up as though she can still smell the toilet water.

  I wonder how long ago this party was considering Alex and Olivia are back together. I don’t know why she is with someone who does this to her, but it’s not my place to say anything—and oh, how I want to say something. If I’m supposed to be her friend, I should say something, but I can’t help but think about what happened with Janna. I don’t think Olivia and I will become the best of friends or anything but I don’t want to stir anything up.

  “Fine.” Olivia doesn’t look pleased with the decision. She doesn’t have much choice but to accept it, though. “I hope you can transform this place into Cupid’s Lair.”

  “Is that where Cupid lives? A lair?” Sarah giggles, and me and Brynn start laughing, too.

  “Whatever. Onto the next part of planning.” Olivia avoids any mocking by advancing the agenda. “Food.”

  For the next hour, we go over the menu, music, and decorations for the party. Everything is coming together, and I’m enjoying myself. The hesitation I had when I first walked into the cafeteria has vanished, and I’m fitting in, not an easy feat for me. Olivia isn’t too bad, though she seems to have commentary on everyone who walks by, Brynn and Sarah always joining in.