Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  Carlow woman Monica Neary breathed a sigh of relief as she woke on the morning of her 70th birthday last weekend and discovered that her feelings toward her numerous tattoos remained unchanged. Contrary to the rules of life which dictate that people with body art become ashamed of it at a certain age, Monica’s opinion of her tattoos had not changed to one of regret, remaining instead at ‘pretty badass’.

  The grandmother of thirty-seven had dreaded the day when she would turn 70 and automatically regret her decision to get tattooed in her twenties, and was surprised to become a septuagenarian and still love her tattoos as much as the day she got them.

  ‘Everyone who spoke to me after I got my first tattoo asked me if I had considered what it would look like when I was 70,’ said Ms Neary, who has never asked anyone for their opinion on tattoos in her life.

  ‘I was also asked how they would look when I was in a wedding dress, what my kids would think of them… I was told it was only a matter of time before I would hate my tattoos but that day has never come. It’s almost as if my opinion has remained my own all this time’.

  Ms Neary’s tattoos include a heart with a scroll on her thigh, the name of her now-deceased husband on her shoulder and a cluster of roses on her torso. Each represents a treasured memory for the fresh-as-a-daisy Kildavin native, she has yet to look on as being grim relics of a shamefully misspent youth.

  ‘Of course, they don’t look as good as they did when I got them first, but what part of me does? My tits and my knees hang out with out each other these days. I’m just glad that I still have the memories attached to my tattoos, and that I’m still in control of my life,’ said Monica, as she booked an appointment with her local tattoo parlour to get some fresh ink done to commemorate the lack of fucks she gives about your opinion.

  Waterford man pure chuffed with himself after friend beeps at him in passing car

  County Waterford man Karl Jennings was said to be ‘pure chuffed’ with himself yesterday afternoon after a friend passing in a car beeped at him while he was walking home from college.

  The full-time student finished his studies at around 3 p.m. GMT before opting to walk home instead of getting the bus.

  ‘It was a lovely evening for it and there were just too many people waiting at the bus stop,’ said the cousin of ten. ‘I hate packed buses; I never know where to look. There’s always some cunt staring at ya.’

  Jennings admitted that he was dubious about the walk at first, as he was left feeling tired when he did it before back in March.

  ‘It’s a fair auld slog home in fairness,’ he said, ‘but it was worth it in the end.’

  Unbeknownst to the 24-year-old, college friend Dermot Ryan was also on route home from the campus, as both individuals finished at the same time.

  ‘There I was minding my own business when I heard a slight “BEEP BEEP”,’ he recalled vividly. ‘You can always tell when it’s a friendly beep by the rapid tap succession of the horn.’

  ‘I looked around and recognised Dermot’s red Honda Civic with the TRD sticker on the window. He was pointing at me while making an “Oh look who it is” face. His window was rolled down and he uttered something hilarious. Not sure what it was, but hilarious. We both laughed. Classic Dermot! I just pointed back mirroring what he was doing. And like that, he was gone again.

  ‘I found myself smiling and thinking what fucking legends we both were for communicating like that,’ he added. ‘Anyone that saw us must have thought we were nuts!’

  Eyewitnesses at the scene confirmed the student’s response, with one man saying: ‘The young fella seemed to have an extra skip in his step after the event.’

  Since yesterday’s roadside greeting, Mr Jennings said he will now walk more frequently to and from the college.

  ‘It’s just nice to be acknowledged. I’m sure other pedestrians will get kind of jealous of me after a while if I keep getting beeped at, but that’s to be expected,’ he concluded.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WWN prides itself on helping the next generation of journalists in any way it can. Here, we reproduce the diary of Kevin Murray, an intern from the wonderful JobBridge scheme, in order to give our readers a unique insight into the huge success of the scheme and what it has meant for the advancement of Kevin’s promising career.

  WEEK 1

  Sunday

  First day at WWN tomorrow, only a local paper I know but still excited. Glad to get some experience. Carol from social welfare was crying when she gave me the good news, kept saying ‘Kev, I’m so sorry.’ She’s a bit odd though. JobBridge gets a lot of stick but this could be my chance: Kevin Murray, MA in Media Studies, WWN editor-at-large in no time LOL. Mam says I should wear a full suit but I told her 21st century journalism is all casual Friday types.

  Monday

  What a first day. Read today’s copy of WWN while waiting in the reception for a few hours – think I got the times wrong. Ideas on how to improve it already, haha. They have a subscription to the New York Times, wouldn’t see that in the Meath Chronicle I bet! Added a couple of the journos on Twitter, still waiting for a follow back.

  Got a good old-fashioned ribbing from the staff. Had to sing a song in front of everyone with a bin on my head, plenty of laughing, I can tell they are sound people. Paddy Browne, the editor, said my voice was worse than AIDS. Funny guy. Niall Toner who does the obituaries seems a bit odd, think he tried to sniff my hair. The journos played this prank on me where they had me ‘fire’ Johnny Ryan, the old sports desk guy, joking like, saying ‘JobBridge is your replacement’ haha. Johnny was pretty convincing, probably does am-dram or something. I was fairly worried for a bit, especially when he pulled me in close and started pissing on my trousers. Mam nearly killed me, ‘Jesus Kevin, there are nerves on a first day and then there’s pissing your pants.’ No matter how many times I told her she wouldn’t believe Johnny Ryan would do such a thing. She knew him when she was in school, ‘fabulous dancer’ apparently.

  Issue 2

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Average temperatures of 98.6 degrees, unless you become ill or die.

  Rents in Dublin at historic ‘taking the piss’ levels

  RESULTS FROM THE latest Private Residential Tenancies Boards and the ERSI Rent Index have shown that the cost of renting in the capital has risen by as much as 7.6 taking-the-piss per cent.

  Apartment rentals in Dublin saw an even bigger increase of up to 10 per cent, leading several bemused Dubliners to remark ‘ah for fuck sake.’ The general attitude around the rest of the country is to quietly laugh at Dublin’s rental predicament. While the average salary in the country has dropped by nearly 5 per cent since 2008, there has been a steady increase in living expenses, leaving many members of the public puzzled.

  A spokesperson for the ERSI explained the latest rental figures: ‘Because of economics and that.’

  29-year-old IT worker Gerry Dolan is one of many Dubliners annoyed by the latest figures: ‘They talk about demand and that but it’s bollocks, isn’t it? Everywhere is overpriced because people love money, right? I moved home there recently, and I’m paying a little too much to be honest – €750 a month for three planks of heavy duty oak. I’m not usually a moaner and they have a lovely finish on them but that’s a bit excessive.’ The Irish Times, owners of myhome.ie, were forced to delay their report for several hours as members of the news-room were busy violently masturbating to the increased figures.

  WWN got the opinion of Dublin landlord Joe Bryant, who felt the figures were a sign of positive recovery in the property market.

  ‘We are living in a golden age of rental options,’ Bryant said. ‘I’ve a five-bed there off Aungier Street, has a toilet and everything, 30sq foot and a bargain at €800 a month. Of course, there’s plenty of 29sq feet apartments out there if people want to slum it,’ he concluded.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Love/Hate theme park turns out to be just inner city Dublin

  Ireland win GAA Worl
d Championship for 83rd year in a row

  Waterford Town Council to be out-sourced to India

  Budget cancelled due to budget cuts

  FINANCE MINISTER Michael Noonan announced today that the government will not be holding a budget on 5 December this year, due to budget cuts in the Finance department.

  The unorthodox decision was made by Fine Gael in an emergency meeting held in Dáil Eireann this morning.

  The cancellation of budget 2014 means there will be no cuts to public finances and no reduction in social welfare payments such as job-seeker’s allowance and child benefit.

  Mr Noonan stated that, due to ongoing pressure from voters and the sheer cost of the budget project, the government made the decision to prove that such cuts don’t just affect the working class.

  ‘We wanted to show the people that they wouldn’t be the only ones feeling the pinch this year. Departmental cuts should be across the board, and that includes the Finance department.’

  Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin said that while he recognised the state of the Nation’s finances, he believed there was something very wrong about cancelling the budget.

  ‘This only proves their incompetence. Fine Gael are just looking for brownie points from people. They haven’t thought this through properly,’ he added.

  According to celebrity economist David McWilliams, the cancellation of the country’s budget is bound to have detrimental effects on the economy.

  ‘We’re fucked, lads. They have really outdone themselves this time. I give the Irish economy another two months before it crashes and burns in a pit of economic doom.’

  Illegal wheelchair racing ring shut down

  FIVE NURSES and two doctors based at a leading Irish hospital have been arrested today.

  The individuals are believed to be the masterminds behind an underground wheelchair racing ring, rumoured to be worth as much as €20 million per year.

  As many as twenty-six elderly patients at the hospital were groomed and trained to take part in the races which saw them compete for vital medicine and operations rather than the usual medals. The two doctors at the centre of the scandal facilitated betting on an estimated 120 races this year alone, fixing a number of them in order to benefit themselves financially.

  Suspicion was first ar-oused when a patient was transferred to the hospital from Nigeria apaprently because he would receive ‘superior medical care and services’ from the HSE.

  James Reilly, Minister For Health, explained from the front bench of the Daíl today how evidence of the illegal activity was easily uncovered. ‘When the patient in question, Eric Adeyemi, was admitted to Connolly earlier this year myself and other HSE workers were extremely sceptical of, the hospital staff’s motives. It was very clear,’ the rotund minister continued, ‘that there was no way in hell Mr Adeyemi would receive anything close to decent medical services in Ireland.’

  After quelling a short spurt of laughter and booming cries of ‘here here’, Mr Reilly carried on.

  ‘Gardaí were brought in and they soon unravelled the illegal betting and racing, the details of which can be found in the 11,000-page report before you, but in summary: Old people. Nurses. Doctors. Wheelchairs. Betting. 100 metres in under 15 seconds. Job done.’

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  The ‘bold corner’, popular with many Irish parents, was invented by physicist Albert Einstein in 1949.

  Exclusive interview: Nigerian prince says he is for real this time

  CONTROVERSIAL Nigerian prince Adebayo Achebe II has spoken exclusively to WWN about the scams that made him a household name and how he has decided to turn over a new leaf.

  ‘It is true, I owe many people apologies,’ offered the prince. ‘I lied about business opportunities, about being kidnapped and terminally ill – all to rob people of their money.’ The prince served seven years in prison for fraud and theft but insists that he is fully rehabilitated and wants to give back to society. ‘The people may doubt me, they may even curse me, but they must believe me when I swear I am for real this time,’ the prince pleaded. ‘I bow my head in shame for the things I have done, but God has given me a second chance with a genuine, fail-safe business opportunity.’

  WWN spent several hours in the prince’s company learning about the man behind 97 per cent of all internet scams. Despite all the pain and suffering the prince has caused he appeared resilient and more willing than ever to make something of himself.

  ‘I know the reputation I have now, but I guarantee that this latest business opportunity will give the investor a great reward. I only need from them these few things: name, bank account details and photo ID. I only ask as I don’t want to risk being scammed, you understand. The investment is top secret but once the money is in my account I can purchase the stock for you and make you very, very rich.’

  WWN’s resident business expert Thomas J. Dillon admits to being somewhat sceptical of Prince Achebe’s claims ‘This promise of becoming “very, very rich” as opposed to just the normal “very rich” has my spidey-sense tingling but that could just be my breakfast repeating. He seems like a nice bloke so I would recommend investing to our readers – this could be the next Bebo or something.’

  Outrage as church announces end to holy water following water charges

  THERE HAS BEEN yet more uproar today over the impending water charges as the Catholic Church has announced that it will no longer be providing holy water once the charges take effect.

  ‘Sadly we can no longer accommodate parishioners in the holy water department, as the costs are too great,’ explained Archbishop of Dublin Diarmuid Martin.

  While the primary function of holy water is for ceremonial blessings, it has for years served several other purposes. Churches around Ireland have seen outdoor holy water fonts act as makeshift baths for resourceful homeless people as well as urinals for drunken revellers.

  A great number of Catholics have decried the decision and much of their anger has been levelled squarely at the government. Demonstrations outside government buildings saw protesters waving placards featuring slogans such as ‘no holy water equals government slaughter’, ‘Jesus wept, we need holy water’, ‘I prayed for holy water and all I got was this placard’ and ‘I want me holy water’.

  The church has denied rumours that they are using water charges as a front to conceal the real reason for the discontinuation. One theory suggests that the majority of nuns experience a ‘burning’ sensation if they come into contact with holy water, while as many as one in seven spontaneously burst into flames.

  Maxol to create one new job in Waterford filling station

  UP TO ONE new job was announced by a petrol station in Waterford city earlier this week.

  Ching Wow, owner and senior director of the Maxol Ireland garage, said that the new position was a testament to the hard work, commitment and innovation of existing staff at the service station.

  The job, in the deli department, follows another post announced late last year, and will take the total number of employees to five.

  The Minister for Enterprise, Trade and Employment announced the employment boost for the Maxol garage, claiming it was one of the biggest success stories in the south east region since the beginning of the recession.

  ‘This is a very welcome development, not just for the new employee but for the morale of the whole county. Times have been tough in Waterford but hopefully this will show people that there is light at the end of the tunnel,’ he said.

  The position will be for a multi-lingual graduate with fluent Chinese and intermediate English.

  It is the second major jobs boost for Waterford this year, after Tesco’s in Poleberry announced a part-time position at its busy trolley collection department two months ago.

  The minister went on to say that this new position showed that the country was moving swiftly along the road of economic recovery.

  ‘From this we can only look forward to and be a little more optimistic about the future.�
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  Lifestyle

  Brendan O’Connor diagnosed with Creased-Face Syndrome

  Brendan O’Connor is said to be in shock after learning that he has a rare genetic condition commonly known as Creased-Face Syndrome (CFS).

  The news serves as a further blow to the Saturday Night Show presenter and journalist after the scandal surrounding the recent appearance of Rory O’Neill on the show and the subsequent settlements reached by RTÉ with a number of definitely-not-homophobic individuals.

  CFS is the name given to a rare condition which causes the body to reject its own skin, forcing it to bunch up in a comic fashion on the face. The face then develops a number of pronounced wrinkles and crevices which cause the sufferer to appear constantly perplexed or frustrated.

  ‘He looked quite confused when I gave him the diagnosis,’ Dr John O’Flynn told WWN, ‘but then again, that might just have been the CFS.’

  Dr O’Flynn went on to highlight that the condition is no laughing matter. ‘Brendan is a stage 1 CFS sufferer, but in more severe cases of CFS we have seen patients ultimately lose any semblance of a human face to a series of folds and creases. In the end they come to resemble a pug. It’s really quite tragic.’

  Sources close to RTÉ have revealed that the diagnosis will not affect O’Connor’s current role as a presenter but that several different temporary measures are being considered.

  ‘They are thinking of Sellotaping his face up during broadcasts, restricting the movement so as to reduce the obviousness of the disease,’ our source explained.

  Rolling Stones rocker Keith Richards is perhaps the most famous victim of CFS but it is believed that 5 in every 100,000 people in Ireland are CFS sufferers.

  If you are a sufferer of CFS or wish to receive more information on the condition contact the CFS helpline on 01 280-3000.