Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  A ritual peasant torching was one of the more common ways for a gentleman to indicate his ‘burning desire’ for his sweetheart. The practice reached its peak in 1913, with a record 560 peasants burnt in that year alone.

  A male peasant’s name would be picked from a hat at random by the lady in question. The peasant would then be forcefully removed from his home by members of the local army and placed in confinement until his moment of glory.

  The peasant’s family were paid a generous sum of three and six pence in compensation by the courting gentleman’s estate. After being marinated in paraffin oil for several hours, the human sacrifice was brought to the couples ‘special place’ – usually a public gardens or a particularly scenic spot on the coast – before being set alight and burnt alive.

  This traditional proclamation of love was banned in the 1920s due to new government regulations on carbon emissions. Fun fact: The act itself gave birth to the saying ‘love is in the air’.

  Fans of bad fashion choices looking forward to Ryder Cup this weekend

  Fans of horrifically unfashionable clothes will be keeping a close eye on the action at this year’s Ryder Cup as it is expected that either the US or European teams will commit grave crimes against fashion.

  Traditionally, players wear unsightly patterns that make use of the stars and stripes of the US flag or the stars on the flag of the European Union.

  ‘I think it’s fair to say checked patterns have their place in golf,’ explained fashion blogger and bad-Ryder-Cup-fashion enthusiast Clay DeMore. ‘But I’m more excited by the possibility of having my eyes violently assaulted by the work of a designer who should know better.’

  Many golf fans consider the Ryder Cup experience marred by these horrid fashion choices, but hard core fans of bad fashion continue to enjoy what has become one the most anticipated events on the bad-fashion calendar.

  However, like golf itself, awful fashion is not without its risks. In 2006, the European team wore salmon-coloured blazers and were subsequently sued by an American spectator in the crowd. Bill Hillderd was paid €4.5 million in damages after he reportedly lost the will to live when he saw the pink-pretending-it’s-salmon jackets.

  However, Bill was one of the lucky ones – in 1999, close to 50 people had heart attacks after seeing the staggeringly ugly US outfits. The golfing fraternity continues to remain silent on one of its biggest tragedies.

  Local band must be ‘really good now’ after black and white photo shoot, say fans

  A local Waterford band ‘upped the ante’ after several black and white photographs were taken of the group by some guy with a camera – leading fans to say that they are ‘really good now’.

  The four-piece rock group, who are known simply as Band, posted the high-resolution pictures on their Facebook page and website on Saturday.

  Tens of people commented on how well the band looked in the photographs, which were taken beside a local lake in the early morning.

  Photographer Dermot Ryan told WWN the shoot was a long time coming and that he was quite happy with the results.

  ‘I wanted to capture them in their natural state, so I told them to buy brand new clothes and drive to some lake they’d never been to before at 4 a.m.

  ‘The idea first came to me last year but I’ve been so busy that I didn’t get around to it until now,’ said the unemployed 22-year-old.

  Lead singer and triangle player Simon Higgins posted on his personal Twitter account that this was the beginning of ‘the next step’ for Band and promising more photoshoots in the near future: ‘More #bandphotos are coming soon guys. Onwards and upwards:-P’

  The tweet was reportedly re-tweeted by at least five of his forty-nine followers.

  Percussionist Mark Prendergast also commented on Band’s recent success, saying that it was all down to the hard work and originality of the group.

  ‘I suppose we’re different to all the other bands in Waterford and that’s why we’re getting so many gigs around the town,’ said the vertically-challenged, tattooed drummer with little-to-no self-esteem.

  Band’s manager Timmy Spateman (18) advised upcoming young groups in the city to be patient and continue practising their sets, like, all the time.

  ‘Band didn’t just fall into the weekly gigs, we earned them by playing bars on the quay and places like that for, like, weeks.

  ‘You just have to be dedicated and a little bit different to succeed in Waterford,’ he concluded.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 5

  Monday

  Didn’t get the day off in the end. Terry rang me at 9 a.m. asking me to help find his car, said he lost it driving it home from the pub. Good news though, I got to write my first piece! I had to cover for Terry as he was quite ill after we found his Mini on the Tramore roundabout. ‘Waterford’s Biggest Potato Competition Draws Small Crowd’. Terry’s name was under the piece. He said it’s one of those unwritten rules of journalism. Have been learning a lot of them.

  Thursday

  Mam still hasn’t gotten over me ‘lying’ about writing the article, said ‘I told everyone you wrote it and you’ve made a fool of me, you’re so dishonest sometimes, Kevin’. Moving off reception has been pushed back indefinitely, I don’t mind but between washing Terry’s Mini, getting the lunches and cleaning the toilets I miss a good few calls. Joe Duffy was on the radio in the office, some entitled-sounding D4 was going on about ‘Scambridge’ but Paddy quickly switched it off before Joe could respond. It’s a good scheme, really – I’m getting great experience, a lot of the people giving out haven’t done it. Journos going to the cinema tonight to see Twelve Years a Slave. Covering the nightshift for security, so I can’t go.

  Friday

  Headed to the pub after I finished cleaning up. No sign of the journos, they must have left early. I decided to stay for a few anyway, but it turned into more like seven or eight. I’ve never drunk alone before.

  Issue 5

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Grand evening now for a game of pitch and putt.

  JobBridge scheme extended by 30,000 places as government opens cotton-picking plantation in Leitrim

  THE GOVERNMENT has announced an extra 30,000 work experience places for people on the dole who wish to avail of the state’s new Job-Bridge scheme, minister Joan Burton has revealed today.

  Work began on a fourteen-hundred-acre cotton plantation in Leitrim late last year which is due to open for business next month.

  The social protection minister announced that anyone over the age of 13 will now be allowed to apply for the scheme, after they pass a brief medical examination.

  Teenage cotton-pickers between the ages of 13 and 18 will receive €25 for the 78-hour week on top of any pocket money or confirmation money they may already have saved.

  Unemployed adults will receive a whopping €50 extra a week and still be allowed to keep their social welfare payments.

  Ms Burton said the scheme was designed to get people to fall back in love with work again and denied that Job-Bridge was just another way of exploiting young people into providing slave labour.

  ‘Young people need to start appreciating money more. And the only way to teach that is to make them work hard for it,’ said the minster.

  News of the cotton-picking plant comes days after another massive work experience boost yesterday when An Bord Pleanála announced its decision to give the go-ahead to a massive 27-storey Egyptian-style pyramid which will be located in the heart of Dublin city centre.

  The stone structure will have a 52,600 square metre base and will house some of the country’s finest banking and financial institutions.

  It is estimated that over 2 million hand-cut blocks will have to be carved and transported from a quarry in Roscommon to complete the pyramid.

  Joan Burton expects it will probably take 400,000 JobBridge candidates 20 years to complete the structure.

  Taoiseach Enda Kenny commented earlier on the good news saying, �
��I told ye I’d get Ireland back working again!’

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Daniel Day-Lewis to spend six months living as Daniel Day-Lewis in preparation for role of Daniel Day-Lewis in biopic of Daniel Day-Lewis

  Taoiseach lays wreath on 12th anniversary of Roy Keane/Saipan incident

  Putin has pet dog put down for humping same-sex dog

  Ireland flees to Gulf of Mexico with European bail out funds

  INTERPOL HAS LAUNCHED an investigation after the island of Ireland fled the west coast of Europe yesterday evening shortly after receiving a ‘considerable sum’ of money from the European Central Bank (ECB).

  Formed by large glaciers and a very harsh climate more than ten thousand years ago, Ireland is the third largest island in Europe and the twentieth largest island in the world.

  Today it is home to more than 6.5 million people and has made the news in recent times for its struggling economy and moronic government.

  The IMF, Interpol, the UK and the ECB launched an investigation after the country just ‘got up and left’ following a large transfer of European funds from the main central bank in Frankfurt, Germany.

  The Irish government is understood to have cut off all communications to the continent early yesterday morning.

  The European Commissioner for Economic and Financial Affairs, Olli Rehn, said today that he had tried on numerous occasions to get in contact with the Irish Taoiseach.

  ‘I have been ringing all morning. At first the phone would just ring out. Then it would only ring for two or three times and stop, like he just rejected the call. Now all I’m getting is his stupid voicemail. I think his phone is off. I know he doesn’t like answering private numbers but this is ridiculous.

  ‘I have also tried Michael Noonan’s office. They just keep telling me he’s out and that he left his mobile there so there’s no point in ringing it.’

  Rehn thinks the Irish government might be avoiding his calls.

  ‘Not only did they take our money but they also took Northern Ireland with them. There could be war over this,’ he added.

  An order to freeze the country’s banks has been granted, but the ECB claim it is too late – the funds have already been withdrawn.

  None of the countries involved in putting up the money would comment, though Germany’s Bundespräsident Christian Wulff put out a statement saying:

  ‘Ireland has robbed us blind. They even stole a country from their closest neighbours. No doubt, like they did in the 1970s and more recently, they will be back in another thirty years with their tails between their legs.’

  Ireland has so far borrowed €90bn from the ECB as part of an emergency fund to help its struggling economy. Before that the country was facing widespread bankruptcy after numerous major banks came close to collapsing.

  Today Ireland was not available for comment.

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  Murder has become Ireland’s seventh most popular sport, overtaking tennis.

  Brave ex-Taoiseach Ahern talks openly about his ongoing battle with happiness

  IRELAND’S CELTIC TIGER Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has today made a courageous stand against the prejudice that stigmatises ‘happiness’ by coming out in public and talking openly about the condition.

  Mr Ahern was praised by fellow politicians for his bravery in dealing with his own personal battle with happiness, and was said to be an inspiration to those who currently battle with the condition.

  Speaking from his modest five-bedroom home in Dublin, Ahern told WWN how easy it has been for him since leaving office.

  ‘Sometimes I don’t feel like getting out of bed at all in the mornings,’ he said, smiling. ‘I’m usually too hungover.’

  The former head of state, who was forced to take an annual pension of €150,000 upon leaving office, burst into tears of joy during the interview, before apologising to this reporter.

  ‘Sorry, I just remembered I have to fly to the US tomorrow morning and give a twenty-minute speech on leadership in some stupid university,’ he explained. ‘Then I have to collect my ten thousand dollar cheque and meet my daughter Celia in Rome the next day.

  ‘You’d be wrecked travelling the world all the time.’

  Mr Ahern then went into detail about how fun life is at the moment, stating that his timing on leaving office was ‘impeccable’.

  ‘If I had left it any later I would have ended up like that patsy, Cowen. That poor auld cunt isn’t even welcome in his own parish church. Me and the lads always do the theme tune from The Fall Guy when we see him.

  ‘The last I heard, he has to dress up in drag to go play bingo in Birr.’

  The former Fianna Fáil leader was attacked by an intoxicated man with crutches last Saturday night.

  ‘I don’t know what got into him. One minute I was laughing about the state of the economy and the next I got a slap of a crutch.’

  Mr Ahern is expected to release a book about his battle with happiness early next year – LOLing Through the Noughties.

  33rd county discovered by family out for a stroll

  IRELAND IS IN SHOCK today at news coming in of the discovery of a 33rd county.

  Newsrooms up and down the country, including our own, are working flat out to obtain more details about what could be the biggest development in Irish history since the foundation of the state.

  The Moore family from Strandhill in Sligo have entered the history books and gained worldwide fame, following their discovery of Ireland’s 33rd county while out for a family stroll.

  ‘I’m speechless really but right now I’m so bloody proud of my family,’ an emotional Richard Moore told WWN.

  While details are still being uncovered it is believed Ireland’s yet-tobe-named new county is joined to Sligo at Ardmeen and is close to 600 square kilometres in size, making it smaller than Ireland’s previous smallest county, Louth.

  ‘We had Champ, our dog, with us. I threw a stick for him, he pelted after it and then there it was – this massive bit of land no one had ever discovered. It’s astonishing really,’ shared mother of the family Laura Moore.

  WWN has learned that several leading Irish cartographers have resigned in disgrace while the Taoiseach has issued a statement.

  ‘Successive governments have failed to spot this, our dear 33rd county, and for that I apologise to you the Irish people. It may seem unfathomable but in fairness we’ve been busy with other things,’ a section of the statement read.

  While there is quite literally no protocol in place to deal with a newly discovered county, the government is believed to be seeking advice from the UN and leading nations.

  The bookies have set ‘That bit beside Sligo’ as the current favourite in the search for the new county’s name, with outside money on Champland.

  Use of air quotes still the easiest way to spot if someone’s a prick

  THE EXPERIMENTAL field of Prickology has today published some interesting results arising from a recent study it conducted through the Institute of Studies, WWN can exclusively reveal.

  After closely observing unbearable pricks in their natural habitats, lead researchers discovered that the common element in their behaviour was the shameless use of air quotes.

  ‘It has become clear that the easiest way to identify – and subsequently avoid – absolute pricks is by observing their interaction with other people,’ shared head researcher Don Juan Ricardo Ramires Sanchez Altoban.

  ‘We discovered that all research subjects who were quite clearly unbearable pricks used air quotes as many as three times per sentence. Four researchers actually quit due to the rise in uncontrollable anger and frustration at having to observe such prickish behaviour,’ Ramires Sanchez Altoban concluded.

  One study subject who was completely unaware he was a prick was Dubliner Martin Lennon. ‘Well I’m “sorry” for not realising I’m a “prick” for using air quotes. I’m obviously “devastated”, it’s a “vital” study though,’ concluded the smug bastard.

&n
bsp; Other behavioural tics and so-called tells belonging to pricks include the over-enunciation of foreign words they don’t understand; pretending to like Radiohead; actually liking Coldplay; being called Roger, Breffni or Freya; and forcing people to watch TV and films they like.

  The study also revealed that many pricks place air quote emphasis on the wrong word thus rendering its use meaningless, while others have suffered significant nerve and joint damage from repeated air quoting.

  ‘My fingers locked like this in 2004 from overuse, so I’m left looking like the biggest prick that ever thought to subvert discourse with sarcastic commentary,’ shared distraught perma-prick Roger Shore. ‘I honestly can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic or smart as my fingers just confuse the hell out of me.’

  If you have been affected directly or indirectly by a prick and need ‘help’ please contact Air Quote Anonymous on 1 888 713 815.

  Tracey wasn’t generous and never had a smile on her face, say friends of murder victim

  FRIENDS and colleagues of murder victim Tracey Cook said today that she never had a smile on her face, wasn’t generous and never in her life put anyone before herself.

  Ms Cook’s sister, Michelle, said the 38-year-old stabbing victim was probably the most selfish person she had ever met and could not believe that someone would bother to stab her 74 times.

  ‘It’s just odd. Anytime you’d hear about someone being killed they would always say afterwards that “they were always the life and soul of the party” or “would do anything for anybody”, but not our Tracey.

  ‘She wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire!’ she added.

  The day before her murder, Tracey and her work colleagues attended a paintball team-building exercise in Wicklow.