Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  The team, led by Dr James Kent, asked several groups of parents from different social backgrounds to perform a series of tasks designed to discipline their children.

  The study found that parents who let their children run wild and do everything they bloody well please are twice as likely to turn out to be spoilt little shits, whereas children who are actually fearful of their parents’ ground rules are not.

  ‘Little Shit Syndrome can only be treated at a young age,’ advised Dr Kent. ‘If a child reaches puberty and is still a little shit, then he or she is more likely to remain a shit for the rest of his or her life.’

  The study also found the number of shits in Ireland had increased by over 150 per cent in the last twenty years.

  ‘The Celtic Tiger and its false economy was a breeding ground for little shits,’ added Kent. ‘Thankfully a lot of them have now emigrated – hopefully the new generation of Irish people realise they can’t get everything they want.’

  Everyone living in Dublin will have been shot by 2034, research indicates

  HOT ON THE HEELS of the recent spate of violence that has befallen the Nation’s capital comes the news that every single person living in Dublin is likely to be shot by the year 2034.

  ‘I would hope no one feels the need to panic, after all one must remember that if the current trend towards obesity continues, the average person will have enough fat to absorb any number of bullets,’ lead researcher Dr George Blank said assuredly.

  The research, conducted by the ERSI, certainly makes for worrisome reading for the average Dublin resident. However, Dr Blank has been quick to reassure the public.

  ‘We were actively looking for a silver lining while carrying out this research. The best place to be shot is probably in the buttocks or right outside A&E,’ he added.

  Sadly, the country’s estate agents are worried that the latest news will adversely affect property prices in Dublin city.

  ‘Well, we thought the market had responded in quite a positive fashion to the news that you will be shot and most likely die. But, this latest increase of 25 per cent in property prices in the last 24 hours is not as positive a reaction as we had hoped for,’ estate agent Clare Sharpe admitted.

  Meanwhile, a spokes-person for the Gardaí has been quick to try to reduce public anxiety. ‘We’re all going to die,’ screamed Garda John Ryan before eventually calming down. ‘It’s fairly simple: members of the public should practise evading bullets. Sit down in front of The Matrix movies and take notes. Or better yet, practise turning your arse in the general direction of other people, being sure to adopt a defensive position. Tis full of nice protective fat, the arse is,’ he concluded.

  Garda Ryan was then asked about the possibility of prosthetic buttocks becoming bullet-proof by 2034 but he would neither confirm nor deny the possibility.

  Sadly, 745 Dublin residents have been shot since you began reading this news item.

  Lifestyle

  Men to ignore women again now that the Premiership is back

  Women the length and breadth of the country will be outright ignored by the male population now that they can go back to watching millionaires chase a ball.

  During the post-World Cup weeks many women found themselves right at the centre of male attention but they now face the reality that this focus is on the wane.

  Jess Harkin, a native of Wicklow, spoke to WWN about her experiences: ‘I met Paul on a night out. He was polite, attentive and seemed very interested in what I had to say. It was so refreshing. He even brought me for a picnic the next day. I didn’t even realise that men knew picnics were still a thing … and then there was the weekend away to Rome.

  ‘It was magical, so special, but now I haven’t seen him in three days because he says he has to “sort out his fantasy football team”. I’m heartbroken.’

  Jess is one of thousands of women left devastated by the annual abdication of men from meaningful interaction with the women in their lives. Claire, a mother-of-five, spoke of her husband’s neglect.

  ‘I’m basically a single mother once the season starts up. Over the summer he went on a cooking course and was so caring with the kids but now he just lies on the couch,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, and you can forget about sex. If Liverpool wins he prefers to recreate the goals on FIFA 14. We tried role-playing but I didn’t understand what he meant by deep-lying playmaker and he got mad so I just leave him to it now.’

  Dublin lad adds Jay Z retweet to CV

  Dave Tierney, a native of Dublin, has recently re-entered the job market equipped with a bulked-up CV, thanks chiefly to the addition of a retweet from rap luminary Jay Z.

  While the Irish economy continues to distance itself from the dark days of 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 and 2014 thus far, there are still a great many people struggling to gain employment. WWN has previously reported on the canny ways Irish people are showing their resourcefulness (23 October ‘I sold my kidneys for a tenner’) and Dave Tierney is yet another great example of that indomitable spirit.

  ‘I know it’s tough in my current field so I was just looking for anything that would give me the edge in the application process,’ Dave shared. ‘And just when I was losing hope, I got a notification saying Jay Z had retweeted one of my tweets – I couldn’t believe it.’

  The tweet in question now takes pride of place on Dave’s CV, ahead of his PhD in advanced thermodynamics and the three years he spent working at CERN, the European Organisation for Nuclear Research.

  The 24-year-old explained to WWN that offers of work have been flooding in since the retweet. ‘It’s crazy – the offers are coming in so fast I can’t get through them quickly enough.’

  Dave’s latest offer has come from a research facility in America. WWN spoke to his prospective employer Dr Calvin Franholp.

  ‘We look for anything that stands out when it comes to assessing candidates for positions here. Of course, any prospective employee needs to be supremely intelligent but we love the whiff of fame as much as the next thermodynamic engineer.’

  Dave revealed that he hasn’t had the chance to thank Jay Z yet for retweeting one of his tweets, but insists he will get round to it.

  Asked if he had any advice for job-seekers out there, Dave’s message was simple yet inspiring. ‘You never know when your luck will change. If you had told me that tweeting ‘@jayz Holy Grail is a fucking cock monster of a tune. Respek!’ would land me a job I probably wouldn’t have believed you.’

  8 ways to mend a broken heart

  Have you had your heart ripped out by an unthinking and cruel ex? Does the town of Dumpsville count you as a resident? Then this is the list for you!

  1. Bypass the months of suffering (and the €50 GP fee) and go straight to a leading heart surgeon – with enough pleading any qualified surgeon will do the right thing and perform a triple bypass on you then and there.

  2. If you don’t have health insurance, it’s perfectly possible to mend a broken heart using some inexpensive household items. You’ll need staples, Sellotape, and a friend’s help for this DIY project. The use of industrial-strength glue is not recommended.

  3. Try writing a letter to yourself ten years in the future, reminding you to write a letter to your younger self to tell them it wasn’t as big a deal as you thought and that Dave was a real prick from the get go.

  4. Why not spend the next decade turning into the person you think your ex wanted you to be? Bear in mind that this can be an expensive option, as plastic surgery, gym membership and paying friends to tell your ex that you’re getting on just fine don’t come cheap.

  5. What better way to warm the cockles of your heart than by paying a hit man to kill the person who wronged you? Not as expensive as you may think!

  6. While magazines and romcoms will glibly tell you that ice cream and chocolate are the best cures for a broken heart this is quite clearly scientifically baseless. Instead, try going on a twelve-month sojourn to Thailand, trying as many local hallucinoge
ns as you can get your hands on.

  7. Write a letter to your local TD complaining about your partner’s decision to withdraw his/her love and commitment, then wait patiently for it to be brought up in the houses of the Oireachtas.

  8. If all else has failed, get a pet and transfer your unresolved feelings of love for your ex to it instead. If you’ve already done this in the past, well then, it’s time to replace that pet with a child!

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 10

  Monday

  Ciara started today as head of ‘Digital Journalism’. Asked Paddy why I wasn’t considered for the position but he said it would have been unfair to the JobBridge scheme to cancel the internship. Would ‘devalue the whole enterprise’ he said. Bit annoyed but he’s probably got a point, have to see the internship through. Mam says it’s because I’m useless. She probably has a point too. Lunch orders becoming a bit of a hassle as Ciara doesn’t like the coffee in Centra so have to walk a bit further to that trendy café to get hers. Was tough carrying all the food with the crutches but Terry got me a cart to pull behind me.

  Tuesday

  Julius told me to meet him on the roof to discuss making me full-time. Lift was out of action so took me about thirty minutes to get up there with the crutches. They were all laughing like hyenas, should have checked the date, April bloody Fool – that’s me. In fairness they got me good, I saw the funny side. Paddy said he would get me off reception very soon, not sure if that was an April Fool’s joke too.

  WHATS ON

  TV PICK OF THE WEEK

  Jack in Black

  Reality: Tuesday, 21.00 – RTÉ2

  Five years after Pat Kenny advised him on live television to paint his face in order to make it as a breakdancer, young Jack Lynch is blacked up and living his dream in New York. Can he continue to keep his true identity a secret while on tour as a backing dancer for hiphop’s biggest stars? This week’s episode: a date with Kylie Jenner means Jack might finally meet Kanye West.

  Father Ted Quotes

  Humour: Sunday, 22.00 – RTÉ2

  This hilarious 10-part series sees members of the public repeat Father Ted quotes to a camera for over an hour.

  Issue 8

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Wicked close altogether.

  Ireland out of recession after large red switch was found ‘tripped’ in Dáil fuse box

  THE ECONOMY is said to have returned to growth today after a Leinster House maintenance man found a ‘tripped’ red switch in the building’s fuse box late last night.

  Jason Ford was working on the graveyard shift when he noticed that several plug sockets did not work when he inserted his iPhone charger.

  Mr Ford then made his way to the west wing of Leinster House to find the power supply and see what the problem was.

  ‘It must have been around eleven o’clock last night that I realised that there was a shortcircuit somewhere along the line,’ he told WWN. ‘When I opened the fuse box I noticed a large red switch. There was a hand-written label stuck down with masking tape just beside it – it said “Irish Economy”.’

  The 57-year-old janitor/security guard said he flicked the switch back immediately, and thought no more about it until this morning.

  ‘It wasn’t until I told the foreman what I’d found that I realised what I’d done,’ he explained. ‘I single-handedly took Ireland back out of recession.’

  Latest Central Statistic Office figures released this morning show that the economy is already up by €3.50 since ‘the big switch’.

  Taoiseach Enda Kenny later applauded Mr Ford’s find and apologised to the Irish people for overlooking the big red switch in the Leinster House fuse box.

  Opposition leader Michéal Martin criticised the government’s find, stating it was convenient timing following recent protests.

  ‘First day back and he’s already trying to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes.’ said Mr Martin. ‘Next week he’ll be handing out loaves and fishes on O’Connell Street.’

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  FAI set aside €500,000 for anger management

  Waitress to wait until your mouth is full before asking if you’re ‘okay’

  ‘It’s a lot milder today than it was,’ confirms some guy in shop

  US government calls for ban on mental health problems following shooting

  FOLLOWING THE RECENT tragic incident at Fort Hood, Texas, in which four people died and sixteen were injured when a mentally-ill gunman opened fire on his colleagues, officials have called for stricter control to be placed on mental health problems.

  This is the second such tragedy in less than five years at the military base, following a shooting rampage which left 13 people dead in November 2009. Officials believe that now is the time for a clamp-down on those with mental health issues, in an effort to prevent any further shootings.

  ‘Using a .45 Smith & Wesson semi-automatic handgun that he had just recently purchased, a 34-year-old soldier suffering mental health problems opened fire on his colleagues yesterday,’ said Senior US Congressman Dan Wesson.

  ‘It’s an unfortunate fact of our lives today that these incidents have become a frequent occurrence. As such, we feel that now is the time for stricter enforcement when it comes to mental health problems. Mental health problems pose a direct threat to our freedom and our way of life, and therefore must be banned.’

  The new laws will come into effect in the immediate future. The move calls to mind the aftermath of the 2012 Aurora mass shooting in which a gunman killed 12 people and injured 70 others at a screening of The Dark Knight Rises, after which the US government issued a total ban on any further Batman movies starring Christian Bale.

  CORRECTION

  FRONT PAGE, MONDAY 07/02/14

  The headline of our lead story, ‘TD takes bribe to City Hall’, contained a typo, and should in fact have read ‘bride’. Apologies for destroying his career and marriage.

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  According to paranoia, 1 in 3 elderly men are dangerous paedophiles.

  Mother of sick child finally receives vital Facebook likes needed for operation

  THE MOTHER of a seriously-ill child in Argentina has thanked Facebook users today for donating their likes, which her 2-year-old son desperately needed for a life saving operation.

  Teresa Gomez (45) is expected to fly to the UK later this month with the one million likes she has received to exchange them for British pounds, before admitting her son Oscar to Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital in London.

  ‘This is probably the best news I have ever, received in my entire life,’ she told WWN in an exclusive interview. ‘Now my boy can have this operation and be well again.

  ‘Thank you so much, Facebook users, for your generous likes.’

  Oscar was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer late last year.

  ‘My brother decided to try using social media to raise the likes we needed to pay for the procedure,’ she explai-ned. ‘I can’t believe we did it. We are so happy.’

  The original image of Oscar holding a placard pleading for likes was posted in May this year, before going viral around the world.

  ‘The picture currently has over four million likes,’ said Ms Gomez. ‘We will use the other three million to buy ourselves a nice house in the Bahamas.’

  Gardaí struggling to perfect ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine

  GARDAÍ ARE UNDER the spotlight yet again following rumours that some members of the force have failed to perfect the ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine that has served police forces around the world so well for many years.

  The revelations came to light after member of the public and regular jail sentence server, Tomo Doyle criticised Gardaí in his local Crumlin Garda station. Doyle was arrested in connection with a series of thefts of porcelain dogs in the area but maintains his innocence.

  ‘I did fuck-all and they had me there in the interrogation room like a criminal,’ explained Doyle, w
ho has 241 previous convictions. ‘The big fella came in and he was asking me how me kids were and that. Then he left. Next minute the little fella comes in and starts telling me everything will be grand. Not a bad word to say about me, the pair of them. They were clueless.’

  Doyle went on to criticise the lack of ‘slaps’ dished out by the officers and admitted that he would think twice about committing a crime in the locality, such was the Gardaí’s poor ‘good cop, bad cop’ performance.

  Miles Drury, sergeant at the station, confessed that mistakes were made in the interview with Doyle.

  ‘We’ve been lax on the training recently but only because we’ve had bad experiences pushing the officers into these roles. We have one garda on leave because he went ‘full method’. After delivering a great curse-filled speech to some 12-year-old on a scrambler bike, he became distant, and started smoking and drinking and wearing leather jackets. He bought a vintage car and now walks around chewing on a toothpick. You can’t push these officers too far, they are fragile,’ explained Drury.

  ‘Then you get some awful smiley bollocks doing the good cop routine. You ring them up at the start of the shift and they’re off teaching some scroats to read, trying to coax them out of a life of crime. It’s awful stuff really,’ concluded the sergeant.

  A number of temporary measures have been put in place until a budget can be sourced for proper training. For example, Gardaí have been instructed to watch classic movies such as Tango and Cash, Turner and Hooch, Training Day and Serpico and are being encouraged to attend amateur dramatics societies in the hope of upping the believability of their performances.

  Microsoft unveils new electronic device for ending relationships – the Ex-Box One