Waterford Whispers News
Page 11
‘Dad was still able to do things for himself,’ claimed daughter Alex Federsen. ‘He had become a little forgetful in his old age, but there was no need to put him down like that, especially without conferring with our family first.’
This is not the first time that the zoo has controversially put down an animal for no apparent reason. Only two days ago, keepers, including Mr Federsen himself, helped euthanise four lions, who had been given the remains of a put-down giraffe just two months before. The giraffe, named Marius, was also shot dead by the zoo, as it carried dangerous inbred genes.
Copenhagen zoo spokesman Hans Anderson told WWN that the recent spate of killings were nothing more than ‘captive nature at work’, claiming the recent killing of Mr Federsen was justified ‘in the circle of life’.
‘Have you ever watched the film The Lion King?’ asked Anderson, also chairman of the zoo. ‘Well, that’s what we are trying to emulate here in Copenhagen, yaw? It was Mr Federsen’s time.
‘The man was slacking in his work and became lazy as he headed towards his retirement. He was always forgetting to do jobs around the zoo, so he had to go.’
It is understood that Mr Federson’s body was dismembered yesterday evening and fed to the hyenas, who many critics believe are next on the zoo’s hit list.
Dodgy Es to be made available on medical card
A BATCH OF DODGY ecstasy tablets are to be made available on the medical card in a bid to reduce unemployment figures, a government think-tank said today.
The tablet, which is green in colour and contains a range of toxic chemicals, is expected to be available over the counter later this month.
‘We have seen a direct link in the reduction of claimants who use the drug,’ said a government spokesperson. ‘The pill will cut unemployment figures in half by 2016.’
In recent clinical trials, 67 per cent of people who took the drug signed off the live register within the first week.
‘The results speak for themselves,’ added the spokesperson.
The high-strength form of ecstasy will come in packs of six at a cost of €1.50 to those who hold a medical card. The tablets will be available without prescription.
Experts expect a large reduction in 18–30-year-olds claiming social welfare – an age group that currently dominates the live register – in the coming months.
Lifestyle
Stretch in evening upgraded to ‘grand’
Met Éireann has upgraded the stretch in the evenings to ‘grand’ following a week of slightly more daylight between 5 p.m. and 7 p.m.
The move follows several months of evening stretches that were deemed poor or non-existent and has been welcomed across the country, particularly in the agricultural sector.
‘Jaysus, there’s a grand stretch in the evenings now,’ said dairy farmer Bertie Curtis. ‘I’ll be able to get the silage boiled and the bull’s teeth straightened now, no bother. It makes a big difference! ‘Twas only last week you couldn’t leave the house after six o’clock, because it was as dark as the inside of a cow with her eyes shut and her tail down.’
The upgrade to ‘grand’ (expected to be upgraded to ‘powerful’ in the coming weeks) brought great relief to the country’s most socially awkward people, who now feel they have an additional line of conversation to use when trying to make small talk.
‘The stretch in the evening was sorely missed over the past few months,’ said Paul something-or-other. ‘It’s been great to be able to drop it into conversation as an ice-breaker since it got upgraded to grand. Over the winter, I had nothing to say to anyone that was of any real worth. My attempts at starting conversations were as natural as a swan trying to climb a ladder.
‘Now that Met Éireann has upgraded the stretch, I’ve been leading with that and it has worked wonders. You can talk about it to anyone – family, co-workers, taxi drivers, and friends if you have them.’
In an additional bulletin, Met Éireann has also spoken of plans to issue a further upgrade to the weather, bringing it from ‘shockin’ cowl’ to ‘fierce mild’.
WATERFORD LAD
‘Not long now till mushy season,’ says Waterford Lad
Local young fella Jamie Lonergan said today that it won’t be ‘long now till mushy season’, and expects to be heading out to pick the psychedelics early some morning with a few of the lads.
The 22-year-old told WWN that he will probably stay up on the session some night in a couple of weeks time, before making his way up to a ‘well-known field’, which is notorious for magic mushrooms.
‘They be always growing on the side of the hill in cow shit, so they does,’ explained Lonergan. ‘I know a good place for them now, but I won’t be tellin’ anyone ’cause then the whole town will be up there.’
Local experts say that this year’s mushroom season will probably yield the best shrooms of the last two decades, due to the recent high temperatures.
‘One of the lads’ uncles goes out every year and he said there’ll be some bang off the things this year,’ added the stay-at-home son. ‘Can’t wait to put them into the kettle and boil the shit out of them and make some tea.’
Mr Lonergan warned potential pickers to be careful that they don’t pick the wrong ones.
‘I know a lad in town had to get his stomach pumped cause he ate the wrong wans, so he did,’ he said. ‘You can’t miss them though cause they have a little nipple on the tips of them.
‘Once ya find the good wans, they just pop up everywhere, like magic!’ he added.
It is estimated that four out of five young fellas in Waterford will make plans to go picking early in the morning, but most of them will not wake up in time.
‘I’m fucking deadly looking with this trendy scarf and jacket,’ says guy attending art exhibition
A Tramore man who was attending an art exhibition in Waterford yesterday evening said he was ‘fucking deadly looking with this new trendy scarf and jacket’.
Jimmy Moore, a self-confessed stoner, was invited by work colleagues to attend the show, which was held in Black Friar’s Hall and which hosted some of the city’s finest art pieces.
‘Some cracking birds at it man,’ said the 28-year-old. ‘I was drinking red wine and all, I was. I felt right at home with me new scarf and jacket, everyone was wearin’ scarves and shit and talking bollocks.’
Mr Moore bought the scarf and jacket in River Island for a staggering €115 the day before the exhibition. ‘I needed to get something special, boi!’ he said.
A series of still lifes by veteran Waterford artist Maureen Kelly were on display, her first work since a devastating car accident crushed her hands over five years ago.
After three years of rehabilitation, Maureen regained partial use of her hands and started painting again. Her recent work is a mixture of contemporary paintings and still lifes.
‘I remember yer wan with the gimpy hands all right. And the pictures … fuck sake, it was like someone’s nightmare, boi! Sure a child could draw better than that.’
The call centre worker told WWN that he really attended the exhibition to get closer to a female colleague who had some of her work on display.
‘She has some hole on her. Her paintings were all right now. Loadsa colours in ’em and all. She said I scrubbed up well, so the scarf and jacket thing paid off in the end.’
Mr Moore then concluded that 99 per cent of the people who go to art exhibitions are ‘full of shit’.
‘All these clowns do be in work with hoodies and jeans on and then they come out to one of these yolks wearing scarves and jackets, holding glasses of wine and pretending to like it while spouting shit about stuff they have no clue about.
‘What’s that about like?’ he added. ‘Anyway, who gives a flyin’ shite, as long as I get me hole off this wan I’ll be grand.’
Diary of a JobBridge intern
WEEK 19
Tuesday
Congratulated Ciara on her new promotion – ‘Thanks Trev’. Think she calls me tha
t now to annoy me. I bought that name badge like Mam suggested but it’s not working. Things getting better in work but think I’ll bring up the whole ‘still being on reception’ thing with Paddy again. Got a call back from the producer of Liveline saying they’ve covered companies abusing JobBridge enough times at this stage so wouldn’t have me on the show. Kind of relieved though since things are getting better here.
Wednesday
Slow day on reception today so started reading up about employment law, tough to get my head around it but almost sure the hours I’m working are illegal under labour laws. Rang a solicitor on my lunch break to ask a few questions but he laughed and hung up. I rang Carol from welfare to maybe report WWN, she apologised again but said nothing could be done. Said she would stop by the house for a ‘catch up’ but I’m never home.
Thursday
Johnny Ryan came up to me yesterday when I was cleaning Terry’s Mini. Thought he was going to hit me but he had a letter in his hand, talked about ‘second chances’ and he was about to give me the letter but he ran off. Still isn’t wearing pants. Strange guy. Have asked Paddy for a meeting tomorrow, going to ask him about getting off reception and starting back on the journalism path.
Issue 11
WEATHER FORECAST
The forecast for tonight is irrelevant as you will be too bladdered to notice. TGIF!
Putin and Kim Jong-un begin beautiful pen pal correspondence, say sources
WWN CAN exclusively reveal that President Vladimir Putin and Our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-un have sparked up an unlikely friendship via the lost art of pen pal correspondence.
According to anonymous sources close to both leaders, Putin and Kim have bonded over the fact that they have both been shunned by the majority of Western countries, leaving them feeling isolated and lonely.
‘I think it was Kim who sent the first correspondence and Putin responded warmly,’ claimed one of our sources from inside the Russian regime. ‘It basically just snowballed from there.’
WWN were made privy to a number of the letters, which were photocopied by state officials, and the exchanges can only be described as touching.
‘Nobody understands me. I mean, they pretend, to, but I think that’s because if they didn’t agree with everything I said I’d have them executed, LOL,’ began one letter from North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.
‘LOL I know what you mean. I wore sandals into work yesterday just to fuck with my staff. Instead of telling me that it was inappropriate footwear for a man of my position they just clapped as I walked around the office. Idiots! was Putin’s response.
Kim was swift with his reply, remarking ‘OMG, nobody gets me like you do. I feel like we totally would have been friends in school.’
It is believed the exchange began as long ago as March, with the frequency of the letters increasing with each passing day.
However, Kim Jong-un was said to be ‘disappointed’ when Putin spoiled the ending of Breaking Bad for him.
‘I mean, who does that?’ the North Korean despot asked. ‘Seriously, Vlad, I could ruin Game of Thrones for you but I’m not going to because I’m cool like that.’
It is not yet known if the two leaders will meet in person to discuss their mutual love of Call of Duty, the music of Britney Spears and the films of Will Ferrell, but other international leaders are said to be worried.
The most recent correspondence seen by WWN included Putin’s description of a dream he’d had about beating American president Barack Obama at basketball, ‘Then there was this part about horses and roundhouse kicks, and you were in it. I don’t know, it was kind of weird, LOL.’
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Increase in selfies means Internet is just ‘one big staring contest’
IF AN INDIVIDUAL were to type ‘google’ into Google it would, of course, break the Internet, but use any other search term and you will be met with a barrage of self-portraits known as ‘selfies’.
A new report published today by the Institute of Internet Studies (IIS) revealed that the Internet is now made up of 90 per cent selfies. Dr Klaus Kavinsky from the IIS spoke exclusively to WWN about the new findings.
‘If an alien race were to observe us from outer space they might well conclude that we are all just taking part in a global staring contest. All those serious faces staring at more serious faces would seem very strange. Of course, the aliens’ conclusions would all depend on Wi-Fi availability,’ Dr Kavinksy shared.
The IIS report reveals that, in 2009, the average human being uploaded just 3 selfies over the course of the year – a figure which has risen to 1,567 selfies per person in 2014.
‘There is a precedent for this behaviour. For hundreds of years, artists have created ‘self-portraits,’ explained Dr Kavinsky. ‘The term “selfie” was not coined until 2007 but it has roots in the latin phrase “Selfio Portraitus”. This kind of rampant narcissism has always been a part of the human psyche.’
However, Dr Kavinsky admitted that the findings did have some worrying implications. If the trends revealed in his study were to continue over the coming years, by 2020, human interaction will have devolved considerably.
‘Communication will be limited to women sending pictures of themselves looking coy in their bedrooms and men responding with serious pictures of themselves in the gym. We could potentially see the end of conventional language.’
Dr Kanvinsky has suggested what people can do to reverse this worrying trend: ‘If an individual purchases a nice dress or shirt, instead of taking twenty photos of themselves in the item of clothing, they should wear it out and talk to people,’ he concluded.
WNN FACT OF THE DAY
Enda Kenny hasn’t spoken to a member of the public since 2011.
Father jailed for mullet abuse of two sons
A CORK MAN has been jailed for eight years for what a judge described as one of the worst cases of mullet abuse ever dealt with by the Central Criminal Court.
The victims’ mother told the court she had been aware that her sons’ hair was being abused by her mullet-crazed husband, but was too afraid to do anything about it.
Peter Hackett, 32, pleaded not guilty on 26 April 2014 to the mullet abuse of his children but later changed his plea to guilty by permission of Mr Justice Carney.
On 27 June he admitted forty-six sample charges of attempted mulletry and razor assault occurring on dates between 2007 to 2011.
The court heard that the defendant religiously cut the boys’ hair into mullets every four-to-six weeks. On one occasion, he forced the boys to watch him cut his own hair into a mullet in what was described as a ‘deranged self-shearing frenzy’.
It was reported that he had styled the older boy’s hair for some years before starting the same abusive practice on his youngest son.
In 2012, a friend of the family became aware of the abuse and informed the local Gardaí, who issued a barring order. It was ultimately decided by the courts that the two boys should be taken into care and given a proper haircut.
The older son, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told the court what his father put him through.
‘I would go to school terrified every day. He sometimes gave me a straight fringe that looked like it had been cut with a ruler. Everyone laughed at me in class and called me dorky or Billy Ray Cyrus,’ the 14-year-old said through his tears.
He told the court how he eventually resorted to hiding a baseball cap in his school bag and putting it on when he left the house in the morning.
Justice Carney said that Hackett would feel the full weight of the law for a crime of such magnitude, and sentenced him to eight years in prison with the last three suspended.
Tramore town council bans socks with sandals at children’s playground
Local town councillor Maxine Keogh said Tramore does not have a strict dress code but it does not want creepy old men with combovers loitering in the playground and handing out sweets to children they don’t know.
A recent report showed that a growing number of middle-aged men have no fear of braving the elements in light-coloured socks and sandals.
Yesterday the town council indicated that it’s had enough of this trend and will stop at nothing to enforce the new law.
‘We’ve received hundreds of complaints from worried mums and dads over recent months relating to middle-aged men hanging around the play area, most of whom are blatantly wearing white socks and brown leather sandals,’ Ms Keogh said in a brief interview with WWN.
While the majority of people agree with this new rule, there are some who oppose the council’s decision.
‘It’s ridiculous and stupid,’ said 58-year-old sandal-wearing bachelor Peter Foyle, who was asked to leave the playground by a parent earlier today.
‘I like the way the wind breezes through cotton socks. It’s not too cold or too warm – it’s just right. Like a cute little kitten running his grainy tongue between your toes.’
Local Events
‘Waterford’s Ugliest Baby’ competition has been moved to Dublin’s O2 Arena due to the high volume of entrants this year.
Don’t miss local flasher Dick Jackson’s critically acclaimed one-man play, ‘One Man Plays With Himself’. Showing at 8 p.m., 19–28 June, in the Tramore arts centre. ‘Dick pulls on his lad and your heartstrings. ’ – WWN