Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  ‘Jack loved the zoo,’ said his parents, in an official statement made repeatedly to family members and co-workers over the course of the following week. ‘He had a great time. Loves animals, just loves them. He was looking at them all, making the noises, calling them over … we couldn’t get him out of the place!’

  Jack was unavailable for comment due to prior commitments with some Liga and an episode of The Wiggles.

  Church hires J.K. Rowling to rewrite the Bible

  THE LATEST PR COUP for Pope Francis has seen him hire famous and revered children’s author J.K. Rowling to rewrite the Bible.

  It is hoped that the author, most famous for her Harry Potter series, can make the religious text more accessible and believable for a new generation of Christians. While the specifics of the rewrite are not yet known, it is believed that Rowling has been tasked with producing a compelling tale that young Catholics can engage with. Popular creations such as Dementors and hippogriffs may take the place of less realistic Biblical creatures like unicorns and the Leviathan.

  ‘We are very happy that Miss Rowling has agreed to the rewrite. We keenly await the first draft,’ a Vatican insider told WWN.

  The decision has raised some eyebrows, and many believe that it was motivated by financial concerns in the Vatican.

  ‘Sales of the Jesus Christ action figure have dropped by over 200 per cent in the last ten years. We are in need of new, toy-friendly, commercially viable characters … like the dinosaur in Toy Story,’ a source close to the Pope told WWN.

  ‘Our revenue streams are shrinking so the more Hollywood-esque, the better,’ the source concluded.

  Rowling has thus far remained tight-lipped on her vision of the Bible and its merry band of characters, but a number of Hollywood producers are already bidding for the film rights.

  In the last century, many Christian leaders have offered new interpretations of the Bible’s more complex passages, but Rowling is expected to take a more drastic approach.

  ‘Judas is going to wear a leather jacket and J.K. is toying with the idea of a nervous twitch or even an eye-patch. And why have one book when you can have a whole series? She is thinking of splitting it up into nine, maybe ten books,’ the author’s publicist shared with WWN.

  Government to list achievements in office during 30-second press conference

  THE FINE GAEL-LED coalition government will mark its first three years in office with a press conference detailing its achievements thus far.

  The press conference is only expected to last a, matter of seconds as Taoiseach Enda Kenny lists off each promise fulfilled by his cabinet.

  To mark the occasion, the government has commissioned the planting of a €100,000 sunflower, watered, by the tears of the Nation’s youth, which will be suspended from the top of the Spire on Dublin’s O’Connell Street.

  The Taoiseach is expected to stress that Ireland has shown much promise in the last three years, especially as no attempts were made on the life of 85-year-old English tourist The Queen during her visit in 2011.

  Lifestyle

  Football fan treated for transfer window addiction

  Kildare man Daniel Brady, 19, is being treated for a bizarre addiction to the ‘transfer window’, the name given to the period of time in which football clubs are allowed to buy and sell players.

  ‘We should have seen the signs,’ Daniel’s distraught mother Joanne admitted to WWN. ‘It’s obvious now when I look back – he was irritable and sweating a lot after 30 September.’

  It is believed hundreds of other young men like Daniel fall prey to transfer window addiction.

  ‘My average day? Wake up, go straight to the Sky Sports app. I might even be on it while watching Sky Sports on the telly,’ Daniel shared from the rehab facility he is currently staying in.

  Although transfer window addiction is slowly being recognised by the medical community there are currently very few resources available to sufferers.

  ‘If you are getting what feels like a “natural high” off the rumours that Berbatov is going to Arsenal, you need to seek help,’ Professor Charles Nevins, head of addiction studies at London University, shared with WWN.

  Leading figures in the sports industry have questioned how genuine the addiction is. ‘We just report on it, we’re not pushing it on these people – they have free will,’ said Sky Sports News transfer impresario Jim White, clearly unaware of his own crippling transfer window addiction.

  Daniel hopes his experience will go on to serve as a cautionary tale to potential transfer window addicts around the country.

  ‘It might seem harmless now – “Cabaye to PSG”, “Where will Rooney end up?” – but once that window shuts you might end up like me, obsessing over the transfer policy of Thai side Samut Prakan Customs United because their window is the only one still open,’ the brave young man shared.

  Medical professionals expect more stories like Daniel’s to emerge in the days after the January window shuts.

  Ask the Agony Bin

  Would you like advice from the Agony Bin? Post your question, name and contact details in your local bin, and your dilemma could be featured in our next issue!

  Q- Hi Bin, I haven’t been able to sleep since Solange attacked Jay-Z in that elevator. I’m worried that Jay-Z is cheating on Beyoncé with some slag. But why would he do that? Queen B is the bomb, and Jay-Z is already punching well above his weight. It’s a fucking disgrace.

  Concerned fan

  A- No matter how ‘Flawless’ the person is, we all get bored of firing shots into the same net. You’re spot on about Jay-Z punching above his weight – I, for one, puked the day I heard he was dating Beyoncé. But he’s a rich man who’s surrounded by beautiful ladies on a daily basis. You do the math.

  Q- HELP! I went and done a Giggzy on my brother. He was away at some work bullshit and asked me to keep an eye on the house. I went over to check up on his wife and next thing I knew I was firing it into her like my life depended on it. Should I tell my brother what I did? It was an honest mistake that I truly regret.

  Dave the Legend

  A- That’s a tough one. I’d be inclined to write it off as a silly mistake. After all, us humans are great at forgetting about things. Just look at Giggzy himself – he’s adored at Old Trafford and not a word is said about him shagging his brother’s wife. Forget about it and move on.

  Q- My friend threw a banana at an interracial couple. Is he racist for doing that?

  Fergal M.

  A- That depends on who your friend was throwing the banana at. If it was aimed at the black person, then yes, it’s racist and your friend is an ignorant fool who needs help. If it was intended to hit the white person then it was probably just a silly joke and you shouldn’t read too much into it.

  Q- Dear bin, I was at the cinema the other night and I sat beside a woman who was breastfeeding her child. I jokingly said that her baby was lucky to be sucking on such milky tits. She started shouting that I was sexist and rude, so I said she was the one with her fat jugs hanging out. Who was right?

  BigMickey26

  A- To be honest, you were in the wrong. You just can’t go around commenting on women’s breasts like that. You should have just sat back and taken a few sly glances, maybe a quick photo. I hope you’ve learned your lesson.

  Drinking alcohol while on antibiotics declared ‘perfectly safe’ by lads in pub

  The negative effects of consuming alcoholic beverages while taking a course of antibiotics have been dismissed as myth by a pack of lads in a pub on Saturday night.

  The report was instigated when public house stalwart Sean Glynn declined to join the others in a round, claiming he was on a course of antibiotics for an unnamed illness, which is rumoured to be venereal in nature.

  Unwilling to have a sober member in the group on a night out, the rest of the men quickly organised a medical discussion and began work on a presentation to assure Sean that he would be perfectly fine.

  ‘There’s a lot o
f talk about drinking while on antibiotics, most of it stressing how unsafe it is,’ said group spokesperson Jimmy ‘the Bollix’ O’Neill.

  ‘People get too hung up on what they see on the medicine bottle or what the doctor tells them. The fact remains that I, personally, drank while on antibiotics when I got a tooth out last year, and I was grand.’

  O’Neill went on to stress that another member of the group, Paudy (no last name given) drank freely during a six-week course of antibiotics prescribed to treat a persistent cyst.

  Faced with such compelling medical evidence, the friends were able to convince a hesitant Sean, who has not been seen since the early hours of Sunday morning, to stop worrying and ‘get the fucking beer in’.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 20

  Monday

  Meeting was delayed by Paddy because he needed ‘all hands on deck’ with the stolen tractor story getting a 10-page spread. Rang The Journal to see if they were still hiring. They’re not. Mam’s really annoyed at me, she said Carol called to the house at 1 a.m. in only her lingerie. I told Mam I didn’t know what Carol was doing but she called me a homewrecker and said I should go to confession on Sunday. I’m working Sunday.

  Friday

  The guys headed out for Ciara’s birthday tonight. Got her a newspaper cake, nice touch. They’ve got an open bar going in the pub across the way but I haven’t been invited. On the plus side, they let me do the weather report today. Paddy says plenty of better journalists started with the weather.

  WEEK 22

  Monday

  Finally got a meeting with Paddy. I read out a list of the tasks I had been given since I started here, he told me to shut up when I got to the part about hiring escorts for the journos. He suggested I write an article about what it’s like doing a JobBridge placement, said I can have a full page to myself in next week’s edition. I can’t believe it! I’m so happy, finally getting some recognition.

  Tuesday

  Sent on the final version of my ‘twelve months a JobBridge’ article. I think I was fair – left a lot out about the journos drug use etc, but all in all an honest piece. I’m really proud, told Mam to buy a few copies. Not a bad way to celebrate my 23rd birthday, is it?

  Friday

  ‘The JobBridge scheme is a brilliant answer to our current jobs crisis, a lifeline to Ireland’s underworked and entitled student class.’ That was the opening line! They rewrote the entire thing, not a single word survived. Paddy took me into the office and read it out loud and said I did such a fantastic job that he wasn’t going to report me to social welfare for my absences, alcohol abuse and bullying of Niall. Mam loved the article, said it was much better than any of my college ‘shite’. We had a bit of a shouting match actually. Will probably sleep in the office for a few nights to let her cool off.

  Issue 13

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Heavy rain and strong southerly winds lead to calls for the whole country to be dragged down to the Mediterranean by tug boats in the afternoon.

  Everyone to end up working for Tesco by 2034

  A NEW STUDY has claimed that everyone living in the UK and Ireland will end up working for supermarket giant Tesco in the next twenty years.

  After a five-year study into economic and global trends, researchers at Oxford University have concluded there will be over 250,000 branches of the British-owned multinational grocery in Ireland by 2034, thus employing just about everyone on the island.

  ‘Unemployment will be non-existent by 2034 thanks to Tesco’s continuing expansion program,’ said lead researcher on the study, Professor Gary Kent. ‘People of all ages and abilities will be guaranteed a position somewhere in the vast array of warehouses and stores.’

  The news comes just days after the retail chain announced its decision to print its own currency called the Tescoin, in what it says is ‘a bold bid to erase the euro’.

  The new currency, which will carry the brand’s blue, white and red trademark colours, will be introduced in all its stores across the world early next year, and will come at a fraction of the cost of its competitors.

  ‘We hope the Tescoin will replace all other currencies by 2020,’ confirmed a Tesco spokesperson.

  The superstore, which already owns the deeds to several European countries including Luxembourg, Liechtenstein and Andorra, said it also aims to purchase the island of Ireland by 2025, including all of the country’s debt from the EU and IMF.

  ‘The Irish people are hard workers and we would be delighted to get every single one of them on our payroll,’ said Tesco.

  ‘After all, Tesco is an equal opportunities employer,’ it added.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Jimmy Savile exhumed for questioning after damning report

  Dublin city council gets go-ahead for junkie cull

  Cult leader ‘Jesus’ named on FBI’s Top 10 Most Wanted list

  Stolen Boeing 737 found burnt out on Waterford council estate

  RENEWED CALLS have been made to Ballybeg council estate residents to report any suspicious activity in the area after a joyriding incident late last night.

  The remains of a burnt-out Boeing 737 littered the green area at the back of the council estate this morning.

  Gardaí stated that the two-hundred-seater, seven-year-old aircraft was probably taken from Waterford airport during the early hours of Monday morning.

  ‘We think that the thieves gained entry to the airport through a hole in the fence and then made their way to one of the airport hangers,’ said Detective Jim Butler. ‘The plane was just after refuelling and was left briefly unattended by maintenance crews. They must have just flown her right out of there.’

  Local resident Tony Ward highlighted the problem of joyriding at the troubled estate over the past few years.

  ‘It stopped briefly for a while but now it’s as bad as ever and it is the people living here who are suffering,’ he told WWN. ‘I’ve seen everything from bumper cars to combine harvesters left smoking on that green. This latest incident is just outrageous. It’s a plane for Christ’s sake. How did they steal a plane?’

  The stench of burning aviation fuel was still in the air as a Garda forensic team arrived at the green this morning to examine the wreckage.

  Gardaí are appealing for any witnesses to come forward.

  ‘Someone must have seen or heard something. The disappearance of this aircraft could not have gone unnoticed during the night,’ claimed Detective Butler.

  Gardaí estimate that the joyriders probably spent several hours in the air before finally ditching the aircraft on the Waterford housing estate.

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  Shockingly, RTÉ’s flagship soap Fair City has yet to receive a single Academy Award nomination.

  Phil Hogan admitted to hospital with suspected head up arse

  MINISTER for the Environment Phil Hogan was admitted to hospital last night with a suspected head up arse, a government spokesman has confirmed today.

  The Fine Gael politician was said to be in an awkward but stable condition in St Vincent’s Hospital, Dublin.

  Yesterday, questions about Irish Water expenses were raised with the minister on RTÉ’s Prime Time, to which he responded with claims that he had no knowledge of the company’s squandering of €50 million.

  It is understood that Mr Hogan became poorly after the show. Sources at the station say the minister was found in a men’s bathroom with his head wedged firmly up his arse, and had to be rushed to hospital immediately.

  An RTÉ spokesperson said: ‘He was in a bad way now. Phil must have been there a while because the bathroom was totally trashed. He was trying to say something but his words were too muffled to understand.’

  Doctors told WWN that Mr Hogan’s screams for help would have been muffled by his own colon and that the fumes alone could have been fatal.

  ‘He was very lucky to escape without any repercussions,’ said Dr Muhammed Patel.

  This is the 29th in
stance of a politician sustaining an attack of this debilitating illness since the government coalition took power in 2011.

  Mr Hogan is due to be released from hospital later this week.

  Man unable to speak in own accent when talking to foreigners

  A DUBLIN MAN is battling to hold his life together after being diagnosed with a rare condition which causes him to speak in the accent of whomever he is talking to.

  Bernie O’Dowd, 54, first became aware of the strange compulsion when dealing with East European shop assistants.

  ‘I didn’t notice it at first,’ said the father-of-three. ‘My youngest pointed it out to me one day as I was paying for petrol. The guy at the kiosk was Polish or something, and I was dropping words out of my sentences when dealing with him. I believe I told him, “I have twenty unleaded, pump 3,” before asking for “pack of Doritos and twenty Benson Hedges”. I have no idea why I was doing it.’

  The embarrassing condition has become worse over the years, with Bernie now unable to maintain his own brogue when speaking to non-nationals.

  ‘Just the other day I asked the girl in the deli for a “Cheecken feelet roll, bootermayonays, tomat and cheese”,’ despaired Bernie. ‘She looked at me like I was a moron, as did everyone else in the queue.

  ‘I got a taxi home at the weekend and when I was talking to the driver I sounded like a character from ’Allo ’Allo. Most of my kids are ashamed of me, and refuse to be around me when I’m dealing with people. And it’s not just foreigners, I’ve started doing it when dealing with culchies, too. Our postman is from Louth, and anytime I’m talking to him I keep saying “hi” at the end of every sentence.’