Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  FOLLOWING A DAY of intense questioning on his handling of the Garda Whistleblower scandal, Alan Shatter arrived at Leinster House this morning with buns for everyone at the 10 o’clock tea break.

  The beleaguered minister for justice brought the buns to the canteen and told everyone, from his fellow Fine Gael TDs to opposing party members, to help themselves.

  ‘My wife Carol is on a mad baking buzz these days,’ claimed Shatter, who very nearly lost his job following gruelling questioning on his knowledge of the Garda phone-tapping scandal which came to light earlier this week.

  ‘She made all of these yesterday, we were never going to eat them all ourselves. I said I’d bring them in – sure there’s no sense in letting them go to waste. Did you have a bun yourself? Work away.’

  Vocal opponents of Minister Shatter have agreed amongst themselves to hold off on any further questioning during today’s Dáil session, as none of them want to appear ungrateful after helping themselves to the buns.

  Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald, who only yesterday claimed Shatter’s position to be ‘untenable’, told WWN that she will give it a week or so before going back on the attack.

  ‘Ah, his wife went to a lot trouble so she did,’ the Sinn Féin vice-president said as she cut a bun in half, buttered it and put it back together like a little sandwich. ‘And it’s nice to get buns at work. Sometimes we get cake if it’s someone’s birthday, but never just out of the blue like this.

  ‘We still have issues with the disgraceful mess that our justice system is in at the minute, and Minister Shatter will have a lot more questions to answer before this is all over. But look at all the buns he brought in. We can hardly call for his resignation today, now, can we?’

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Fears for Irish jobs as Obama sends drone to destroy Irish tax loopholes

  Lazy stereotypes harmful but astonishingly effective, says media

  Now That’s What I Call Elevator Music 34 Number 1 in charts again this week

  ‘Jesus not coming back by the looks of it,’ admits Vatican

  A SPOKESPERSON for the Vatican today officially announced that the second coming of Jesus, the only Son of God, may not happen after all – but urged followers to continue practising their faith regardless.

  Cardinal Giorgio Salvadore told WWN that 2014 marks the 1,981st anniversary of waiting for the Lord to return to Earth, and that it will be the last.

  ‘We just feel Jesus is not coming back by the looks of it,’ he said. ‘It’s been ages, like. He’s probably flat-out doing other really good things for people somewhere else.’

  Nearly two thousand years ago, Jesus promised his disciples that he would come again, as recorded in John 14:1-3: ‘There are many homes up where my Father lives, and I am going to prepare them for your coming. When everything is ready, then I will come and get you, so that you can always be with me where I am. If this weren’t so, I would tell you plainly.’

  The Vatican defended Jesus’ broken promise, claiming that ‘he had probably been drinking’ at the time he made the comments.

  ‘Having the ability to turn water into wine has its ups and its downs,’ added Cardinal Salvadore. ‘We all make promises we can’t keep when we’re drunk. Jesus was no different.’

  Inventor of leaky stainless-steel teapot arrested for crimes against humanity

  THE International Criminal Police Organization (Interpol) has today confirmed the arrest of 67-year-old James Richardson – inventor of the faulty stainless-steel teapot – after a twenty-five year investigation into his crimes against humanity.

  Mr Richardson was apprehended in his Buenos Aires mansion at 3.30 this morning after information leading to his whereabouts was supplied by one of his maids.

  ‘I recognised his picture on the Interpol website,’ said Maria Perez Gomez, who worked part-time for Richardson for four years. ‘He would always insist that I use a leaky steel pot when pouring his tea every morning. He used to laugh every time it spilled. I never understood his humour. When I think back on it now it makes me sick.’

  The English-born inventor is believed to have created and patented the faulty metal teapot in 1984. The first ever to patent a teapot design, Richardson became public enemy number one for everyone working in the service and hospitality industry.

  ‘We were not allowed to use any other kind of pot because of his patent,’ explained local hotel restaurant manager Mike Folan. ‘No matter what way you try to pour it, it spills over and onto the table. Countless white tablecloths have been ruined. If you ask me, that man deserves the death penalty.’

  Richardson was transferred to a Buenos Aires jail pending extradition to the UK. Poor diplomatic relations in the past mean that Richardson is the first English man to be extradited from Argentina in 200 years.

  During a 1987 investigation into the faulty teapot patent, blueprints were discovered that revealed that Richardson had purposely created the design flaw for his own amusement. When the Queen herself issued an arrest warrant, Richardson absconded to South America.

  ‘James Richardson is an evil man and we hope justice will prevail.’ said an Argentinian police chief. ‘Normally we wouldn’t agree to extradition under these terms, but this sick bastard deserves everything he gets.’

  The inventor is expected to stand trial in the UK next month and faces life imprisonment for crimes against humanity.

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  In Ireland, 587 people are killed every year in nose-picking-related traffic accidents.

  CORRECTION

  PAGE 10, MONDAY 13/08/2014

  Our story ‘Convicted paedophile living at No. 23 Pine Avenue’ should have read ‘Convicted paedophile living at No. 32 Pine Avenue’. Apologies to the Moran family at No. 23 – we wish Martin a speedy recovery following his assault.

  Government opens new 19th-century mental health facility

  THE GOVERNMENT has applauded its own decision to open a brand new 19th-century mental health facility in an unsuitable location somewhere.

  The facility was opened via a ceremonial ribbon-cutting to which no expert in the field of mental health was invited, although a world record for high fives and backslapping was set by the attending politicians. It is believed the sudden opening of the facility was a reaction to criticism from medical experts who believe that mental health services are the biggest unmet need in Irish society.

  The facility, complete with a dungeon featuring fully functioning castiron shackles, will provide a full range of cutting-edge Victorian mental health services.

  ‘We’re quite chuffed with ourselves to be honest,’ a government spokesman told WWN, as he flicked through the pages of a medical journal dated August 1867.

  The highly underfunded area of mental health services received a boost this year when the suicide prevention budget was doubled to a staggering €8 million, only €3 million short of the €11 million budget the government allocated to a tourism push for the remaining months of 2014.

  With waiting lists for mental health services increasing in recent years, leading government ministers have locked themselves in a soundproof, padded cell in the new facility where they will be unable to hear the people’s cries for help. From there, it will be easier to ignore the fact that there are one thousand fewer full-time positions in the HSE than there were in 2009.

  It is thought the facility will be somewhat affected by the €15 million reduction in the budget for developing community mental health services and, as a result, will be unable to perform lobotomies this year. Thankfully, the facility’s drab, neglected edifice will be used as a filming location in dozens of Hollywood horror movies.

  High mental illness and suicide rates in Ireland are a blight on communities throughout the country, but hopefully the construction of this brand new 19th-century facility – finished off by the TDs who helpfully papered over some its cracks – will go a long way toward solving the problem.

  Banshee sightings down 100 per cent

>   A NEW REPORT from the Irish Mythological Association has revealed a dramatic decline in banshee sightings over the past decade.

  The results of the study reveal that, since 2004, there have been zero reported sightings of the dreaded spirit – a 100 per cent decrease on the number reported in the previous study carried out between 1890 and 2003.

  The banshee, often depicted as either a beautiful young woman brushing her hair or a haggard aul bitch wailing her eyes out, is one of Ireland’s best-known and most feared mythical entities. A harbinger of death and misfortune, those who heard her cries (usually those with the surname prefixes O’ or Mac) were said to meet a grisly demise soon afterward. The decline in banshee appearances has been welcomed by members of the Banshee Safety Authority (BSA).

  ‘We’re delighted with the report,’ said Sean MacNeill, chairperson of the BSA. ‘For many years, we’ve been trying to eradicate not only this malicious spirit, but all malevolent Irish mythological creatures. Our friends in the Leprechaun Awareness Association have managed to fight the scourge of the Little Folk by caricaturing and commercialising their image to the extent that Irish people have come to ridicule and disregard the respect their elders had for the supernatural.’

  ‘We were unable to do this with something as ghastly as the banshee, though God knows we tried with Banshee Bones crisps. In the end, all we needed was for enough Irish heritage and mythology to be eroded by the hubris of the smartphone generation, and the scourge of the wailing woman was gone.’

  As families from O’Brien to MacBride breathe a sigh of relief across the country, many believe that the lack of banshee sightings may coincide with the mass emigration of Irish people over the past decade. This huge drain on the country’s most precious natural resource could have led the keening spirit to fellow expats to Australia or Canada, where Irish embassies and Irish pubs have been put on high alert.

  Obesity epidemic ‘hilarious’ to thin people

  IRELAND’S emerging obesity problem is providing much-needed light relief for the thin percentage of the population.

  Although Ireland is fast running out of thin people, those that remain are reported to derive great joy from seeing how the heavier half live.

  In a survey carried out by WWN, 80 per cent of thin people admitted to finding the sight of over-weight people trying to carry out everyday tasks ‘hilarious’.

  Recent reports suggest that as many as one in four Irish children are obese, but close to 75 per cent of the people we surveyed said they drew the line at making fun of overweight children.

  One participant offered this explanation: ‘It seems cruel to laugh at a child of four, eight, eleven or even sixteen, but once they’re over eighteen it’s just easier to laugh. One of my favourite things is when you spot one running for the bus. Priceless.’

  Another participant offered a suggestion: ‘We should put soft drinks and fatty foods on the top shelves in shops … not to deter them or anything, just because if they fall over trying to reach for them I’m guaranteed to break my shit laughing.’

  The survey also revealed that most people do not describe those who are overweight as ‘jolly’, and the preferred verb to describe the way they walk is ‘waddle’.

  Lifestyle

  Simon Cowell calls birth of first son ‘lazy, unoriginal and boring’

  Music mogul Simon Cowell today described the birth of his first son as ‘lazy, unoriginal and boring’, and added that he won’t be

  trying for another child for quite some time.

  The unimpressed new dad made the comments shortly after leaving Lenox Hill Hospital in New York yesterday afternoon.

  ‘It went on far too long and I found the whole thing lazy, unoriginal and boring to tell you the truth,’ he said. ‘You know what? Whoever said childbirth was an amazing experience really needs to get their head checked. What a pointless exercise. I nearly fell asleep halfway through.’

  Mr Cowell also slammed the performance of the midwives at the hospital.

  ‘They were ugly, not very funny and they bored me to tears,’ he added. ‘If I was their boss I would have fired those women years ago.’

  Baby Eric was born at 5.45 p.m. on Friday, Valentine’s Day, weighing 6lbs 7oz.

  ‘Six pounds is an embarrassing weight,’ Cowell told WWN. ‘I know of female babies with heavier birth weights than that. And if I’m honest, Lauren did quite a bit of moaning throughout the whole thing. She was very annoying and I don’t think I’ll be having any more children with her. I’m very disappointed.’

  This is Simon Cowell’s first child with partner Lauren Silverman, who was previously married to the X-Factor judge’s best friend.

  Ask the Agony Bin

  Would you like advice from the Agony Bin? Post your question, name and contact details in your local bin, and your dilemma could be featured in our next issue!

  Q- Hi Bin, my boyfriend is addicted to wanking and it’s ruining our sex life. Just last week I came home to find him ‘rubbing one out’ to the Asian page of RedTube. When I said he shouldn’t be doing that, he got mad and claimed I was taking away one of his few pleasures in life. What makes it odd is that, when it comes to having sex, he can barely get aroused. Is he wanking away our love life or am I being too strict?

  Claire O’ Gaga

  A- Statistics show that 75 per cent of men masturbate, and the other 25 per cent are liars. Every single man you know wanks – uncles, brothers, barmen, lorry drivers (they’re the worst, believe me), the list goes on. It’s entirely natural – if we weren’t meant to do it, then why do our willies fit so snugly into our hands? The ancient Egyptians believed that masturbating, or ‘pulling the piss pump’ as they called it, warded off bad vibes. As long as he isn’t flat out on the hand pump, it’s all going to be just fine.

  Q- Dear Agony Bin, I’m a 45-year-old hunk who, up until recently, was happily married to a woman. A few days ago I came home early and found her in bed with our next-door neighbour, a local lorry driver. I didn’t quite catch them in the act, but he had no reason to be in my house naked on a Tuesday morning. She claims he was sleepwalking, but when I asked her why she was spreadeagle on the bed she just started crying. Please help. P.S. Love your column. It’s the best column ever.

  Frank

  A- Thank you, Frank, for your kind words at the end there. The part where you said my column is the best ever really humbled me. To answer your question, though, I think your wife is having an affair. The fact that he is a lorry driver is irrelevant. The fact that he was naked is not irrelevant. It’s relevant, Frank. Leave the cheating wench and step out into the dating world. Try websites such as OldnBold.ie, or go to a bar and look for a casual bonk. The world is your oyster.

  Q- Hello Bin, I’m a 43-year-old mum, and I’m worried about my daughter. She spends all day taking ‘selfies’ instead of interacting with people. Is there something wrong with her?

  Worried Mum

  A- Yes

  Irish girl is ‘part-time model now’ after paying for photos of herself

  County Waterford young one, Kate Egan, has changed her Facebook occupation status to ‘parttime model’, following a three-hour photo-shoot with some Polish guy with a camera, it emerged today.

  The previously unemployed Ms Egan said she paid amateur photographer Tomas Babinski €50 for the portraits, which were taken at various locations across the city.

  ‘I’m delighted with the way the shoot went,’ the first-year media studies student told WWN earlier today. ‘He got me to stand in front of local places of interest that really brought out the best in me.

  ‘I think the old iron bridge shots were my favourite.’

  The 26-year-old had considered venturing into modelling for quite some time, but decided to ‘just go for it’ after hearing about the relatively low prices charged for a photoshoot.

  ‘All my friends were on at me for ages to go into modelling,’ she explained.

  A total of one hundred photographs of Ms Egan were up
loaded to her Facebook account yesterday evening, forcing many of her friends to leave comments like, ‘OMG you look so hot in this one’, ‘STUNNING!!!’, ‘So beautiful, you should become a fulltime model for sure girl’ and ‘Jesus Christ, Waterford looks like pure shit in these pics’.

  Following her Facebook success, Kate set up a LinkedIn account late last night, which was later endorsed by a friend of a friend who works in a modelling agency in Dublin.

  ‘All I’ve got to do now is sit back and watch the offers flood in,’ she concluded.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 35

  Monday

  Good news! Paddy and Ciara sat me down and said that despite the two warnings I’ve received, they would like to extend my JobBridge internship for another year. Paddy said they’re very happy with my work on reception, but any future references they write for me after I leave at the end of January 2016 would have to mention my mistake with the digitising of records, which is fair enough. I asked about getting a day off to go up to Dublin. They said it was a really busy time but if I gave them enough notice I could have Christmas Day off.

  Wednesday

  Called in a bomb threat to the office this morning so I could take that trip up to Dublin. Leaders’ Questions is set for today so Joan should be there along with Enda. I borrowed Terry’s ID so I can get into the press gallery. Did you know it’s exactly 24 feet from the press gallery to the front benches in the Dáil?

  WHATS ON

  TV PICK OF THE WEEK

  Vincent Browne Stands Outside Politicians Houses Tutting

  Political: Monday, 23.00 – TV3

  TV3’s new politics show sees Vincent Browne standing outside politicians houses at night while they sleep in order to tut loudly at them in a disparaging way. This week it’s Joan Burton’s turn.