Hollow Sight

by Kristie Pierce

  I’m quiet for a minute after that, thinking about what she is subtly trying to say. I know what she’s doing. I begin to pick at my fingernail as I answer her.

  “If I were to answer your question and be completely honest… then… I would have to say… yes.” I begin slowly, quietly. “Liam for some strange reason beyond my comprehension holds some sort of bizarre power over me. I know that sounds ridiculous and asinine being I only met him yesterday. I can’t explain it though, the feeling that seems to overtake me when he’s near me. It’s weird.”

  I sound like an idiot - a love struck fool - and I realize my feelings scare me a little. I look up then to see if she’s staring at me like I’m mental. Once I say the words aloud I have to admit it sounds ludicrous even to me. For me to be so infatuated with him after just one day is stupid.

  “It's ridiculous, I know.” I mumble.

  Elly ponders this before speaking again. Her face gives away no emotion as she finishes her dinner. I hate it when she does this. Sitting silently after I've just poured my guts out. It makes me feel like she’s silently judging me. I feel a new wave of unnecessary guilt coming on.

  “How are you and Ben?” she asks abruptly.

  My eyes pop wide with surprise at the sudden topic change and I drop my fork loudly against my plate. Why is she trying to incorporate Ben into the same conversation? I groan internally to the mention of him.

  “Er, okay. I talked to him yesterday right before my, um, accident. He seems to be enjoying the college life, I guess. Says his roommate is funny,” I shrug.

  She nods as I talk. The only response from her then is a very uninsightful, “Huh.”

  Now I’m not sure where she’s going with this and so I have to ask. “What, Mom? What are you thinking?” I inquire.

  “Oh nothing, honey.” She gives me a tight smile.

  “Mom.”

  “It just seems like you’ve been holding on to a relationship that hasn’t really been all that you want it to be for a while, or if it ever was. I know that you don’t want to hurt Ben's feelings,” she explains as I remember Sera’s words from our conversation earlier, “but don’t you think it time that you call it quits? I mean, you haven’t looked at Ben with any kind of love in your eyes for months now. And I know that you think it’s your fault somehow that the relationship has fizzled out, but honey, sometimes that just happens.”

  This isn't Elly and I’s first conversation about Ben and our relationship. She always graciously listens whenever I feel the need to complain about him, which is often, and nods and sympathizes a bit. And even though she can be very opinionated, she never really says too much on the subject because she figures it’s my decision to make. Sure, Elly has said similar things in the past, but for some reason today her words tug on a string within me telling me she’s right. She continues.

  “You don’t have to decide anything right now. I just want you to realize that there are other options out there and that you should never settle out of fear of change or not wanting to hurt someone. I love your big heart, honey. I love that you think of how your decisions will influence others, because let’s face it, not many people do anymore. But it seems that there may be another player in your field, and to be blunt, you’re way too young to be settled down with one person. Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

  “Mom, I don’t even know if Liam really knows I’m alive.” I complain, secretly rethinking our most recent encounter. He obviously knows that I exist, but I can’t imagine that I hold any kind of interest to him the way that he does to me. If he knew the thoughts that ran through my head when he was near, he'd run away from me screaming.

  “He’d be stupid not to,” she says, standing from the table.

  “Thanks, Mom, but I think you’re kinda biased.”

  “I have a right to be. I’m your mother.”

  I roll my eyes and begin clearing the table. As I start washing the dishes, my mind embarks on wonder, picturing myself with Liam again. I pretend to myself that Ben and I are no longer together, and that he was okay with it because that’s what he secretly wanted as well. He’s free to live his life and I, too, am free to live mine. I picture Liam’s prismatic eyes intently staring into mine and his arms wrapping around me. I marvel at the thought of his lips kissing mine and sigh when I realize that I will never know how that feels. I touch my lips with my fingertips as my dreams come crashing down around me with the weight of a boulder leaving me feeling hollow and desolate somehow.

  I absentmindedly rinse the soapy water from the dishes and replay what had happened today. Would it have been so terrible if I had stayed? I doubt it. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I really did want to. Being so close to Liam somehow set an invisible flame to my body and I can’t understand how that’s possible. How can someone I just met have such an effect on me? But the more I ponder about it, the more I realize that I have to be with him.

  Chapter Four

  It has been a long day – and quite frankly, a bad one. I remembered to lay out an outfit the night before, however I had forgotten to set my alarm. After waking up almost forty-five minutes late, I’d only had time to throw my wet hair into a sloppy pony tail and makeup was definitely not a must. I was lucky I remembered to put shoes on as fast as I flew out the door. I was ten minutes late for Advanced Biology so that, of course, Mrs. Anderson felt it essential to give me a tardy slip. Two more in the semester and I’d have detention. Being a procrastinator, it probably won’t be hard to do.

  In Sociology I’d gotten caught doodling on my notes during Mr. Rodriguez’s dull lecture and he threw away my papers, mumbling something about my head needing to be in his class rather than my art class. I was forced to hurriedly copy Morgan’s insufficient notes in the last five minutes of class so that I would have them for the mountain of homework assigned.

  Axel is mad at me because he had texted me the night before, asking for a ride as the weather still called for rain today. Being I woke up extremely late, I had totally forgotten him in my haste to make it to school. Luckily he had given up on me in enough time so that he wasn’t tardy also.

  I was so hungry when lunch arrived that I wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking with my tray and ran smack into Amber Newman – of all people – with my food landing onto the floor and myself. Salad greens and ranch dressing scattered all over the floor while covering my shirt, along with my napkins flying into the air, white plastic fork, a small bag of chips, and my pop. The pop can landed on the hard floor with a crack, and started to spray and spin in a circle – so there went my new white Sketchers. Everyone who witnessed the clumsy act laughed at me and Amber managed to kick my tray across the tiled floor with one of her designer shoes as she said, “ooopsies” in a sickly sweet voice as I was trying to pick up the mess. Her devotees, Mariah and Carmen, managed to glare down at me like I was just another spot on the floor as I was still bent over the mess trying to mop it up with what napkins I had left.

  By the time Government is over, I have so much homework that I’ll surely be dragging my book bag behind me. And I have one more class to go – math. Ugh. The only thing keeping my spirits up at this point is the thought of Liam sitting kiddy-corner in front of me and I will soon be able to quietly ogle over his gloriousness. I’m one of the first to arrive to class and I quickly take my seat. I fidget with my hair, trying to smooth the fly-a-ways and hastily give up when I realize the cow licks are winning; a trait I have inherited thanks to my grandfather. I sit awkwardly in my seat, trying to hide the ranch dressing stain on my shirt I’d acquired at lunch and cross one foot over the other, camouflaging the dark pop spot on the toe of my sneaker. I realize what a mess I must look like and open my folder to prop it on top of my desk – just like I used to do in grade school to make it look like there was a mini-wall separating myself from everyone else.

  My heart flutters rapidly when Liam enters the room, but then does a free fall into my stomach when I see Amber walking through the
door right on his tail. She’s giggling like an idiot and saying something like, “Oh Liam, you’re so funny!” He’s even laughing with her.

  So not funny.

  I watch in disgust as her bright blonde hair, which she wears in ringlets today, bounces with her catwalk. Her face is lit up with fake laughter, too, making the situation even less amusing to me. I’m positive her skirt goes against school dress code as short as it is, and when she sits down in her seat, there is little left to the imagination. She catches me glaring at her and mouths the word “jealous” at me. I look down then to my book while raising my eyebrows, blowing out the air that burns my lungs – my cheeks exaggeratedly rounding outward from the gust. It figures that he would find her interesting. All too typical; the new cute boy is attracted to the blonde, bubbly, bobble-head cheerleader. Perfect. Looks like Amber’s plan is set into motion. And of course, lucky for her, she sits directly in front of Liam. Every five minutes or so, she slyly turns around and gives him a flirty smile or wave. I hope that he isn't acknowledging it, but I'd be really dumb to believe that he isn't.

  I find it difficult to concentrate on the monotonous lecture Mr. Stevens drones on about being I despise the topic. It doesn’t help that I keep repeating the nauseating picture of Liam and Amber laughing together in my already overloaded mind. Concentration is almost impossible and my brain is fried. I strum my fingers on top of the wooden desk as I try to zone out.

  But there are those pesky magnets again. My arms feel as if they might lift on their own accord and hurl my body across the room to throw themselves around Liam's neck. My skin tingles in anticipation to touch him as my stomach does backflips. I realize that I am strumming my twitching fingers much too loud when the girl next to me starts staring. I pull my hands into my lap and clutch my fingers into a fist.

  When the bell sounds releasing the day, Mr. Stevens snaps out an assignment for us to complete from the first chapter. It’s on some type of mathematical formula I am sure that I will never use again in my life. Whatever. That much more homework to suffer through.

  As Liam gracefully rises from his seat, Amber quickly moves to his side. She starts babbling on as if the class hadn’t interrupted their conversation while flipping her hair. Do guys really like it when girls flip their hair like that? It seems really dumb to me. Of course she notices my glare again as I follow them into the hall. When she locks her fierce, ice-blue eyes with mine, she reaches up to Liam’s arm with her manicured fingers to lightly tickle his skin.

  “What's your problem, Breckin?” Amber hisses. “Take a picture, it lasts longer.”

  My nostrils flare with anger, and my cheeks heat, but I manage to look away before she can say or do anything else to further embarrass me.

  Liam appears to be listening to her intently and Amber soaks the attention up like a dry, thirsty sponge. I’m unable to move away from them as I head to my locker because of the after school rush of kids and teachers, so I’m stuck listening to her continuous blather. By the sounds of it, she is rambling about a shopping trip or a new outfit or something like that. Surely Liam can’t be so interested in such a topic. I cannot picture that.

  I slowly mope to my locker once I’m free, not looking forward to the sticky door. When I manage to yank it open, three of my books fall onto the floor at my feet, one even lands on my toes. I fight back angry tears and suddenly remember that Coach Dawson has called off practice today; she needs to take her daughter to the doctor or dentist or something. Usually this would have upset me, but as I shove all the days assignments into my bag, I’m thankful that I’ll have some extra time to work on them.

  Walking to my rust bucket, I can’t shake the thought of Liam and Amber – gulp – together. It shouldn’t bother me. I had kind of figured that this would happen anyway. After hearing her plans, I’m not at all surprised now that she’s getting her way – Amber always gets her way. Then a tiny voice in the back of my head says, maybe he’s just being nice. Maybe he doesn’t want to be rude and is only humoring her by listening to her shallow conversational skills. Liam seems to be a polite kind of guy, so it would make sense that he wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings. I’ll try and hold on to that thought instead. And I don’t even think it would bother me – as much – if it were anyone else. Amber is just such a… a… well, a not very nice person. Many nasty and unladylike words come to mind, but that's as nicely as I can put it to myself.

  I open my gal’s door and the hinges creak loudly. Time for some more WD40. Water from the roof must’ve settled in the crease of the door-jam, because when I open it water comes splashing down on top of my head and then continues its chilly journey down my back. I pinch my eyes shut and inhale a deep breath. After heaving my heavy bag into the backseat, I put the keys into the ignition, push down the clutch to start the engine, and click.

  I try again.

  Click.

  You’ve got to be kidding me. More furious now, I try again and again and again.

  Click, click, click.

  With cheeks turning red and my eyes filling with the same angry tears I’d been trying to fight before, I begin to hysterically laugh although there is clearly no humor in my current situation.

  “Really?!” I scream.

  What am I going to do now? Axel knows some about cars, but he’ll be at football practice and I’m sure that he hasn’t forgiven me yet. Morgan is already long gone, so she is unable to give me a ride home. I’d text her but she still hasn’t regained her phone privileges. Claire is at volleyball practice and there’s no way I’m asking any favors of Brooks. And Elly is still at work. A perfect ending to a perfect day, I think sourly.

  As I sit with my face in my hands silently crying, there’s a small rap on the passenger side window. The knock is quiet, but it causes me to gasp in surprise. I quickly look up to see who is imposing on my pathetic moment. My gasped breathing stops completely when I see who it is.

  “Do you need some help?” Liam asks in a sympathetic voice through the glass.

  Liam is dressed in his soccer gear clearly ready for practice. He has one hand on the door handle as if to open it while he cocks his head to the side to peer into me. He must’ve been on his way out and saw me sitting at a silent stand still in a now almost empty parking lot. But why come over to check on me? He could have just as easily continued on his merry way out to practice.

  I swallow the lump in my throat and reach over to unlock the door. He opens the door without any more invitation and hops up into the empty seat next to me.

  My red eyes are as round as saucers and my chest burns from trying to hold back the sobs. It would be morbidly embarrassing to cry now. I already look horrible from my lack of time this morning, my lunch time blunder, my now wet hair and shirt back, and my swollen red eyes probably aren’t helping matters. Then I think, who cares?

  “Having some car trouble?” Liam asks. There’s that same trace of fear hinting behind his otherwise unreadable expression. I must look worse than I thought. He’s probably afraid I’m having a psychotic episode.

  I only nod at first and then manage to mutter, “It won’t start.”

  “I don’t know much about cars, but I could give you a ride home if you like.”

  My mind jolts into a million different directions at once. He’s offering to give me a ride home. Just he and I, alone, together in his car. The mental picture makes my head spin.

  “Of course, you’ll have to wait for my practice to finish,” he says when I don’t answer. He must think I have some kind of mental delay in addition to my stuttering problem.

  I shut my gaping mouth and swallow the next lump in my throat.

  “That would be okay. I have quite a bit of homework to do, so I guess that I could work on that while I wait.” I say in a small voice.

  He smiles wide. “Good idea. We shouldn’t be long. We have a match tomorrow and coach doesn’t want to over work us. Would you like to wait here in your vehicle or maybe come enjoy the warm sun that’s decided to s
hine? Maybe sit in the grass while you work? Vitamin D does the body good,” he winks.

  Is he being polite again or does he want me to come with him? I manage a small smile and then nod again, taking the invitation either way. He probably feels sorry for me and is afraid that this sad little mental case sitting in her vehicle might be capable of self bodily harm.

  He grabs my overloaded book bag from the backseat without me asking and flings it over his shoulder. It doesn’t look heavy for him as where I had to drag it behind me. I walk silently beside him while wiping the remainder of my traitor tears away with the back of my hand. I want to reach out and hold his hand while we cross the parking lot. My hands ache to do so. With another jolt, I figure it out. Liam is metal and I’m the magnet. Yes, that’s an excellent analogy. It just feels like a natural thing to do, to reach out and intertwine our fingers. Easy and simple. When we reach the green grass next to the field, Liam sets my bag down with only a smile in my direction and then jogs off toward his awaiting teammates.

  I sit cross legged in the grass and fumble to balance my books on my lap so that I can have a somewhat adequate workspace. Then I try to rest the thick book on the ground beside me but give up when the glare of the sun bounces off the shiny pages, making it impossible to read the tiny text. No matter, I’m glad to see the sun make a reappearance after the last couple days of rain we’ve had. I manage to complete my Sociology assignment with the messy notes I copied from Morgan and I also struggle to finish my Calculus. I’ll only have to check it now. I am contemplating on whether or not to start the questionnaire from Bio or to start memorizing my Government notes when Liam interrupts my internal squabble.

  I only at first notice him because his shadow replaces the warm rays of the sun. Second, almost instantaneously, once my brain registers that he’s within two feet of me, I instantly want to wrap my arms around him and whisper gushy things into his ear. This is getting out of hand. I will have to learn how to keep my brain under better control. If I’m not careful, I will soon be doing the things I imagine without first thinking about it. That would surely get me into some trouble. Get a grip, you're losing it! I think.