Hollow Sight

by Kristie Pierce

  I only nod.

  I watch Liam head down the hall – he doesn’t bother to stop at his own locker. Maybe he’s just in a hurry to get to practice. After all, he missed it yesterday in an attempt to be with me. I make a face when I recall how that turned out.

  I sit out swim practice – more doctor’s orders. I won’t be allowed in the pool for another week. Coach Dawson looks over to me as I sit amongst the partially open bleachers with concern masking her soft features. She’s already checked on me a half-dozen times, but this time when she walks over to me she looks even more worried.

  “Breckin, are you okay? You look a little upset,” she observes.

  When I’d arrived to practice, I tried my best to remain unaffected by Liam’s coolness. But as I continue to sit all alone watching my teammates swim drills, I have more time unfortunately to think about what had happened. The same scenarios I had imagined in my overthinking brain begin to play out again, and I, of course, hold on to the most unpleasant scenarios.

  “Yeah, I’m good.” I lie.

  “Feeling all right?” she asks in a motherly tone.

  I plan on lying again, but then the memory of Liam telling me that Coach Dawson would more than likely allow me to get away with anything pops into my head. I feel slightly guilty for even contemplating it, but for once I don’t want to be at swim practice.

  “Actually, I’m a little tired. School tuckered me out today. Do you mind if I go home?” I ask with the best puppy dog eyes I can manage.

  “Oh, of course not, honey!” she replies fretfully. Coach Dawson wraps her little arms around my torso to give me a huge hug. “You go home and rest. Being you can’t swim anyway, you really don’t have to come to practice at all if you don’t want to.”

  “No, that’s okay. I like to come even though I can’t participate. Thanks, though.”

  “Okay. You feel better. We'll see you tomorrow.”

  “Thanks. See ya.”

  I rush to pick up my bag. I shove the open text book I have laid out in an attempt to study under my arm and dig for my keys as I begin to walk quickly toward the door. I don’t know exactly where I’m going, but I don’t want to go home. What I really want is to see and talk to Liam. To tell him that I’m very sorry for whatever it is that I’ve done to upset him.

  As I climb into my big Bronco I look over to the soccer field looking for him. It’s exactly like those first few days of school all over again. The days I found myself looking for Liam in my shy attempts to catch a glimpse of him. The soccer team is kneeling in a huddle around the coach. They’re too far away for me to pick him out as they all look pretty much the same from this distance, but they appear to be finishing up. I allow my eyes to scan the parking lot just in case he’s decided to leave, but notice his car is still there, so I decide to sit and wait for him. I’m too keyed up to get out my homework so I turn the key so the battery will allow the radio to play. My heart starts to race again out of nervousness, but I hold it together enough to keep my breathing under control. It’s a nice crisp and cool autumn day, so that keeps me from sweating again at least.

  “What do you think is wrong with him?” Sera asks, appearing out of nowhere. I jump and whirl around to glare at her as she sits cross legged in the passenger seat. “Sorry,” she says in an automatic and unapologetic tone.

  I’m not sure. I think maybe I scared him off. Or that he thinks I’m crazy. I can’t be sure on either count. I cock my rearview mirror so that I can examine my reflection. My cheeks are a little flushed and my eyes too wide. But other than that, I decide that I look pretty normal considering I feel the complete opposite inside.

  Sera shakes her head. “I don’t think he believes you’re crazy. That was obviously a hard situation for him. It’s very apparent that he still mourns her and then to hear that she’s contacted you – his new girlfriend. Dead girlfriend talking to the living girlfriend. Weird.”

  Sera, I think sternly.

  She continues without missing a beat. “But even worse, to have that man standing so close…”

  Joseph, I interject.

  “Right, Joseph. To have Joseph standing near, causing you so much pain when Liam has already lost someone he loved so dearly to him once before – and to watch him harm you. I’m surprised he kept his sanity at all.” When she puts it that way, it all makes a little more sense. I sigh.

  Maybe you’re right. Maybe that's what Liam meant by what he’d said before.

  “I’m sure that’s all it is. I really don’t think he views you as insane.”

  I hope not. I feel like I’ve done something though. Like this is…

  “Your fault,” Sera says, finishing my sentence. “Don’t be silly, Breckin. None of this is your fault. You need to stop taking on unnecessary guilt. It’s not your fault that Liam lost her, that he’s having such a difficult time dealing. It’s not your fault that Joseph has sought you out in some sort of attempt to get to Liam – although I’m not entirely sure that’s what he wants. That Evie wants to contact Liam through you, too, that's certainly not your fault. You’ve kind of been put in the middle.”

  Sure.

  “They seem to be heading in,” she says as she nods toward the soccer team. “See you later.”

  Any words of advice? I ask skeptically.

  “Nope. It’s all a learning experience.”

  Scrutinizing Sera as she vanishes, I want to scream.

  I watch silently after Sera disappears for Liam to emerge from the locker rooms, absentmindedly listening to a song that has come on over the radio. Time seems to pass more slowly as the seconds tick by. It starts to sprinkle and my brain briefly remembers Liam’s story – the way the weather had changed while he and Evie were in the theater. I idly wonder if that’s something he thinks about every time the weather turns to rain. But it seems ironic that their last hours together were spent in the rain and now as it seems, that's exactly how ours will end too. Stop thinking like that!, my brain screams at me.

  Adam emerges from the double doors first, so I suck in a deep breath to prepare to get out of the vehicle. Liam will surely be following behind.

  “Hey, Breckin!” Adam yells when he spots me.

  I wave and manage a small smile in his direction. When I reach Liam’s car, I can’t decide what position will look more casual – like I haven’t been waiting for him. I fidget, first resting against the side of the shiny black paint and then briefly sitting on the hood with my feet planted on the front bumper. I slide down when my pants get wet from the rain water that’s collected on the hood and settle for hunched over with hands in my pockets. I’m thankful that I had grabbed a hooded sweatshirt from my closet this morning as I yank the fabric over my head.

  The car suddenly shakes with the force of the trunk being slammed shut and I rock back on my heels. Liam has appeared out of nowhere – he must’ve walked up when I was staring down to my wet shoes.

  “What’s up?” he says acidly. His tone takes me off guard and it makes it difficult to find my words. I briefly remember how hard it once had been to talk to him, but for a very different reason. I stare up to meet his aqua eyes but I am silenced further to see that his eyes have taken on a graying effect, looking ragingly fierce. Almost violent.

  I take an automatic step back in reaction to his expression.

  “I gotta get going… sooo…” he says harshly.

  “I, um… just, ah… well, I was hoping to talk… to you,” I mumble, looking back down to my now rain soaked shoes. “About yesterday.”

  “Sorry, can’t. I’m heading over to Adam’s house. The team is all meeting there for a re-cap and pizza. We’ve got a big match tomorrow, so we want to be prepared.” His tone is very off. Not quite as vicious, just… off.

  “Okay,” I whisper. “Any way that I can get you to change your mind about helping me with my homework?”

  “Sorry, no,” Liam answers while walking around to his door. “I’ll see you around,” he says as he climbs into his car.
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br />   My head snaps up and the breath suddenly whooshes from my chest.

  I’ll see you around.

  In the two seconds it took Liam to speak the words, in the few nano-seconds it takes for me to register their meaning, the fault line in my heart has begun to viciously rumble. It’s on the verge of erupting. Something that will surely cause permanent damage. A devastating volcanic eruption that pummels entire populations of cities. The one’s that take years to recover from. If ever.

  Liam doesn’t wait for me to say anything. Instead, he speeds away leaving me standing motionless and devastated. As he disappears into the distance, I note the feel of moisture running down my cheeks. At first I think it to be the rain, but as I reach up to wipe away a streak, I notice that the moisture is warm and that its being followed by more warm streams of disbelieving tears.

  Time passes more quickly then as I’m dumbfounded and slightly disoriented. By the time the parking lot has become empty, I’m still left standing in the same spot, unmoving. I snap out of it – sort of – and slosh over to my trusty old girl. My clothes are soaked with rain water as it’s pouring now, and I’m shivering uncontrollably. But I’m positive that it isn’t the cold that’s causing me to shudder.

  I’ll see you around.

  What does that even mean? Okay, I'm not a total imbecile. I know what the words mean, but I struggle to find a deeper implication. It seems that one of my previous hypothesis is holding true, but which one I’m not sure.

  I’ll see you around.

  Each time his words replay in my head comes another rumble threatening to blister my heart. My chest is heavy and weighted down somehow. I blink hard against the downpour of tears streaming down my face and can focus on nothing but those four little words. I remember a time not too long ago when those words held such promise, such hope. Now, they only seem to cause me anxiety and despair.

  I drive slowly, not seeing where I’m going. I stare blankly out the windshield, wiping my cheeks inattentively with my already wet shirt sleeve. All I can see in front of me is Liam’s severe glare and hear the harshness of his voice and it scares me. But then as his words repeat over and over in my head, I very staggeringly become angrier and angrier instead of sadder and sadder. I’ll see you around. Please. Is that his way of bowing out – his way of ending things? I’ll see you around. What a pathetic crock of crap. Am I really worth so little that he thinks nothing of it to just end things so abruptly? And with no explanation or words to hint as for a reason why? Sure, I know what I think his reasons are, but I have to hear it from him.

  “No.” I say determinedly as tears continue to fall. But now, as I push down on the accelerator they’re turning to tears of stubborn anger.

  The bullheaded side in me decides to overtake then and I find myself driving toward the Perry residence. I still am not sure what I’m going to say as I pull into their drive, but dammit I am going to get some answers. When I approach, I can’t even recall the short trip it took me to get there. I’m too focused on talking to Liam, on demanding something out of him other than a dismal I’ll see you around. My oversized heap is half in the street due to all the other cars that have been sloppily parked, and too, because when I arrived, I’d slammed on my brakes and thrown the Bronco into neutral to park not caring where I’d landed. I spot Liam’s car in the grass, away from all the others, and stare in down as if his car is the root of all my anger.

  I stomp up to the Perry’s front door and ring the bell with a shaky finger. I hear laughter and loud chatter coming from inside. No one has answered the door after the third ring, so I decide to peek my head inside. The aroma of pepperoni, marinara sauce, and garlic butter fills the air. Adam’s mother comes around from the kitchen and notices me peering around the door frame.

  “Can I help you?” she asks politely while wiping her hands on a dish towel. “Are you looking for one of the boys?”

  I nod. “Yes ma'am. I’m looking for Liam.”

  “Come in, come in. You’re soaked. Wait here, I’ll get you a towel.”

  “No, I’m fine, Mrs. Perry. Thank you, I'm not staying.”

  Mrs. Perry appraises me for a minute with a look that makes me think she believes I’m a little odd, but doesn’t say anything else. She then disappears toward the direction the loud chatter is coming from and I figure that she’s told Liam that I’m here when the babbling quiets. About two seconds later, the ranting replaces with playful taunting’s and wooo’s. They all sound like a pack of wild dogs the way they hoot, holler, and howl with each other. I hear a loud thump and then an “Ouch!” from one of them as they continue with their banter.

  Liam appears around the corner wearing the same fierce expression he had just before he drove away. I choose not to let that shake me and instead square my shoulders. I still have remnants of tears rimming around my eyes so I strive to discretely blink them away.

  “I need to talk to you,” I say quietly. I had meant to sound louder – determined – but my words instead come out like a plea.

  “Breckin, I don’t think that…”

  “Liam, I’m not going to take no for an answer. I understand that it doesn’t need to be here, but you have to face me sooner or later.”

  “No,” he says, putting a finger to my lips.

  He turns me around and heads us outside to the covered porch. After he shuts the door behind him, he turns again and looks to me with an expression of fury. I notice again that his eyes are not the striking color of the ocean as he glares – they’re that odd bluish-gray color again.

  “I don’t think that there is anything to talk about. After yesterday, I see now that me being around you –,” he pauses as if changing what he’s going to say. “It makes it that much more difficult for me to forget.” His expression becomes softer now, but his voice is uncaring. He sounds completely indifferent. “I need to forget, Breckin. And well, with her coming to see you – and that man, too – causing you pain.” Liam begins to shake his head as if in effort to shake off the memory. “If every time I’m around you and she comes to visit…and him…”

  “It was just that one time!” I interrupt in exasperation. I ignore mention of Joseph. “She hasn’t been around any other time!”

  “Was she there in your room when I...?” He swallows and seems unable to finish.

  I look down to the wooden floor boards of the porch for a minute and then nod. I’m not able to answer being he’s caught me in my feeble lie.

  “Don’t you see that it’s not fair, Breckin? It’s not fair for me to be anywhere near her? With her around, I can’t let go. And thanks to you, I can feel her. It’s obvious that her presence affects me still, even though she’s gone. I’ve tried too hard and for too long to not remember, to not be affected by it. I refuse to backtrack that time and start all over.”

  Oh goody. He does know that he can sense her. Thanks to me. And my greatest fear seems to be true. This just keeps getting better and better.

  “But Liam… I… I can try and help. I’m not sure how, but I can try to…” He shakes his head as I speak, completely cutting me off.

  “No,” he repeats. “I’ve thought a lot about this. I stayed awake all night thinking and re-thinking. Breckin, I can’t be near you. Not when I need to move on from Evie. How am I supposed to forget otherwise? I thought that I could, that I was over it enough to move on. But I’m sorry, I can’t.” His voice is back to acidic.

  “Why are you so angry with me?” I murmur.

  “God,” he barks. “You don't get it, do you?”

  “Liam, I want to be with you. I can help you.”

  “I don't want to be with you!” he yells. His face has turned violent again and his eyes are merciless. His jaw shakes with frustration as he shakily inhales and exhales, his chest heaving up and down rapidly with each breath.

  Liam’s words rattle around in my ears. I can no longer think coherently. I have to say something though, anything to make him change his mind.

  “You told me that
I’d taught you to love again.” My voice is barely above a whisper, defeat apparent in my tone. All the anger and determination I'd arrived with has vanished completely away leaving me feeling vulnerable and thwarted.

  His voice is now mater-of-fact. “I know. I’m sorry for leading you on like that. It wasn’t nice. I realized that maybe I was just reliving my feelings for Evie instead of loving you.”

  Ouch.

  My heart stops and then drops into my stomach. The fault line that’s been trembling all day is dangerously close to erupting. Hot lava threatening to happily boil over to burn hotly and slowly – torturing. As I try to remember how to inhale, I look deep into his eyes searching for any kind of sign that he might waver. Thinking that maybe his gaze will give way that he’s lying in some attempt to keep me away from him for a reason other than what he’s told me. But he looks like a complete and total stranger. There’s no sign of the boy I love staring back at me.

  Okay, so Evie is someone he still thinks about and I never expected less of him. It’s only normal, I would think, for someone to often remember a loved one they had lost. Especially when that loved one had been lost so suddenly and tragically. But I never thought Liam would decide to be without me because of it. Or rather, to force me to be without him and compare me to it. I really thought our love was something that couldn’t be shattered so easily.

  “Liam, I love you.” I say as the relentless tears pour over.

  “But not for the right reasons.”

  “What is the right reason then?”

  “For the one you love to love you back. Without that love being overshadowed by someone else’s memory. It’s really not that difficult a concept.”

  “You waited for me. I can wait. I can…”

  “No, Breckin.”

  I stumble back in reaction to the hostility in his voice.

  “So that’s it then? Just like that? It’s over? You don’t love me?”

  “It's over.” Liam growls.

  I stay silent, letting his words blaze their way through my body. Smoldering hot and painfully all the way through my chest, into my heart. I’m now burning where I stand. My arms began to tingle and I can’t feel my legs. Liam doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t want me. And he clearly doesn't love me.