Lady

by Melvin Burgess

  ‘Thanks, mate!’ I barked. ‘Thanks, mate,’ I growled. I shouted it, hissed it, whimpered it, cried it, growled it. I was a star! The money piled up, the crowd grew and grew, Terry laughed until the tears ran down his face and his eyes turned red.

  ‘Thanks, mate, thanks, thanks, thanks!’ On it went. We were a circus! We were a funfair! It was glorious, I never saw Terry so happy. And me – I was the centre of attention. I loved every minute of it.

  And then suddenly someone said, ‘What’s the crap, then?’

  A big bloke, head shaved bare, neck like a tank. It wasn’t warm but he wore a vest even so. He stood staring down at Terry as if he was a piece of shit on his shoe while the others explained. He waited until they’d done, watched me perform. Then he said, ‘You stole that dog, didn’t you?’

  ‘She’s my dog!’ wailed Terry in a high voice. He put an arm round me and cringed away from the big student.

  ‘Oh, leave him alone, George,’ shouted someone, but George was just getting going.

  ‘Look at his face, he’s done something. He never trained that dog to do that. He nicked it. You nicked it, didn’t you?’

  ‘She’s mine,’ shouted Terry, getting to his feet and preparing to run. And already the crowd was turning against him. One look at Terry and you knew that George was right. He obviously had something to be guilty about.

  The big student reached down and snatched the string tied around my neck. ‘I’ll just take her round the nick, see what the old filth have to say about it, eh? If I was you, I’d make myself scarce.’

  Terry was on his feet and backed away out of reach, where his courage came back a bit. He pointed at the big bloke and shouted, ‘Get him, Lady.’

  I didn’t need telling twice. I jumped for him. I could have gone for his arm or his leg, but I’d have got a boot for my trouble – I was never a big dog. His face was too high, so I did what I’ve always done in a fight: I went straight for his knackers.

  Bull’s-eye! I dived in nose-first right into his pants and I bit. I bit hard. I got the whole goose and her eggs in my jaws and I clenched right up. It was brilliant! The crowd howled, George roared and spun round. I hung on a bit longer, swinging with him and growling like a fiend, before I finally let go.

  ‘Me knackers!’ howled George. He clutched himself and bent his knees like an old lady who’d wet her pants. The crowd were howling with laughter, with us again every step of the way.

  ‘She’s knackered his knackers!’ someone shouted.

  ‘Rather her than me!’

  ‘Not much meat there!’

  The crowd loved it. George, still groaning, started to stumble away. I ran to Terry, he seized my string and we set off. Behind us the students hooted with laughter as we ran round the corner and out of sight.

  Terry dragged me out of town right up past Rusholme before he felt able to settle down. We kept stopping to laugh.

  ‘Oh, God, the way you were holding on and growling! He’ll have nads like a pair of burgers!’ groaned Terry. To celebrate, we found a butcher and Terry bought me two pounds of rump steak. Two pounds! I stuffed myself, but poor Terry, after much humming and haa-ing, bought himself a bottle of whiskey. He carried it out with a serious look on his face, and headed straight for a derelict old garden he knew of. There, hidden out of sight, he opened his bottle.

  ‘It’s goodbye for now, Lady,’ he told me. He looked grim. Whiskey was serious business. ‘You might as well take the afternoon off. I’ll be all right here,’ he told me. He raised the bottle and drank.

  Well, he was right. I waited a bit, but within the hour the poor sod was out cold. I sat down by his side, determined to wait and stand guard, but I couldn’t bear to sit out the whole day. I’d been sitting all night and all morning. A dog needs exercise. I set off for a wander.

  My tail was going bananas as I rounded the corner and headed into Platt Fields park. The pavement was alive; my nose was an eye that sees into the past. I speeded up. Oh, I was in love with Terry, but to run and sniff and feel my ears catching sounds out of the air! But what do you know? Only a dog could understand what I mean.

  I ran into the park like a wild animal and raced across the grass. It was spring, everything was going. For an hour or so, I was in doggy heaven. I chased the ducks and the squirrels, I snuffed the scents of half a million dogs, I rolled and panted and laughed. It was the first time I had given myself so completely to scents – my nose just took over. Rabbits and squirrels and rats and mice – I followed them and lost them and found another one, went back and across and to and fro. I didn’t catch a thing, but who cares? Just to run and sniff and be alive was all I cared about!

  I was so wrapped up in my nose that I don’t think I saw a thing for – who knows? Hours, maybe. Dogs don’t watch the clock. But then, while I was lapping water from the lake, I looked up and a face stopped me in my tracks.

  It was a girl. She was talking to a boy who I sort of knew as well, but although they were so familiar, I couldn’t place them. My nose had taken over so much that for a moment I couldn’t work out who they were or what they were saying. They all looked the same, like different types of animal do. They almost made me laugh, with their funny flat faces twisting and wriggling about on their heads in that strange way.

  I shook my head, trying to see like a person sees. I was walking towards them, staring at them so hard that they noticed me and began to look suspiciously at me. I shook my head again – and it all came back to me. It was Annie, my old best friend – Annie and her bloke, Little-Willie. I was so pleased to see her, I let out a little woof of surprise and pleasure and went bounding over to say hello.

  ‘What’s that want?’

  ‘I dunno, I’ve never seen it before.’

  ‘Good girl!’ Nervously, Annie stopped and patted me. I was so grateful for the touch of her fingers that I rolled without thinking on to my back, begging for her to tickle my tummy.

  They both laughed. I was so pleased to see them! I wanted to show off. I was having such good fun running about in the park. I thought how much better off I was than them. I had no exams to worry about, no lifetime of work or kids to bring up or any of that stuff. No responsibilities. I could run faster, hear better, smell better. I could sleep on the pavement and not get cold, walk all day and not get tired … Who wants to be human, I thought? I began to jump about and run around, showing them how easy life was for me.

  They stood and watched me for a bit, smiling at me, then they turned round and walked away.

  I was offended! They just turned their backs on me as if I was of no importance at all. I woofed and went after them. The boy turned round and I jumped up, putting my paws on his chest. He laughed and banged my sides, and I rolled down on the ground for him as well, so that he could tickle my tummy, too.

  Annie laughed. ‘She’s a bit of a slut, isn’t she?’ she said.

  You know what? That just pissed me off. How dare she? I was only being friendly – how did that make me a slut? OK, I knew she was just joking, but she was always like that, Annie – always so superior, always knowing best, always so certain that the way she was going about things was right. I got up and looked at her staring down at me with a wry little smile on her face as if she was so far above me that I barely counted at all – as if everyone in the world could see how wrong I was and how right she was.

  She pointed at me staring at her and laughed. ‘Doesn’t she look funny?’ she said.

  ‘“Ha ha ha! Doesn’t she look funny!”’ I sneered sarcastically, but I don’t think she understood a word.

  For a moment we stood there, her looking at me and me looking at her, and I thought of all the times she’d done better than me at just about everything. She always did better than me – at school, at games, with boys. Her boyfriends were always more caring, more grown-up, more responsible. Better boyfriends. I always ended up with the ones who feel you up and then dump you. But actually, when I thought about it, it wasn’t her doing better at all – it was h
er just assuming that she was doing better. It was her assuming that the things she did well were better than the things I did well – that school work was more important than knowing how to enjoy yourself, or that games were even worth doing in the first place. I mean, who cares if you can put a ball in a net quicker than someone else? Or that the caring boys were better than the careless ones. That sort of thing. And she’d had me fooled! Because all the time, I’d been assuming the same thing. That was the really awful thing about it – that for all those years I’d been assuming that I wanted to be like her but just wasn’t good enough at it. You know what I mean? As if I was some sort of sub-rate Annie Turner. And then, as soon as I started doing things differently, as soon as I started doing things like I wanted to do them, she was the first one to think that I was wrong all over again and an even bigger failure than before. It made me so cross – but at the same time I wanted us to be friends again the way we used to be.

  I just wanted to fool around and make her laugh and get at her at the same time. I started pretending to be Little-Willie. I got up on my hind legs. They stared in amazement. Then I walked over to a tree, just about staying upright, put my paws down to my you-know-what and looked down as if I was peeing.

  ‘Ugh, look at it!’

  ‘That’s weird. That’s sick!’

  ‘Do you think it’s all right?’

  ‘Watch out! It’s looking at us!’

  They began to back off, but I hadn’t finished yet. I started patting down round where my willy would be if I was a boy.

  ‘Oh, God, it’s gone! My willy’s fallen off,’ I cried. I started searching about, patting the hair, looking around, crawling about on the floor, yelping and muttering to myself all the time.

  ‘It’s gone! It’s dropped off! Has anyone seen my willy, I can’t find it, it’s only a teeny tiny weenie willy, but it’s the only one I’ve got! Help! I’m not Little-Willie any more! I’m No-Knob!’

  I don’t know about them, but it was making me laugh. I fell to the ground howling with laughter, but Annie and Toby weren’t amused. Looking back, I can hardly blame them. I must have looked completely crazy, dancing about like that on my hind legs. And of course, they couldn’t make out a word I was saying, it must have just been a series of weird growls and moans and howls. When I looked over at them, their faces had drained completely of blood. Annie half hid behind Little-Willie and they began to back off.

  ‘Don’t go!’ I cried, but my calls were a hideous parody of barking and speaking. Suddenly Annie screamed, turned and ran. I was appalled. I only wanted to make her laugh! Well, that’s not quite true, I was being spiteful too – but I wanted her to know me! I wanted to be friends! Suddenly I realised how horribly wrong the whole thing must have seemed to them. My mood of just seconds ago changed utterly. Now I was terrified. I ran after them, calling out their names. ‘Toby! Toby! Don’t you know me?’ I begged. I jumped up at him, but he screamed in fear and kicked out.

  Both of them were screaming and running now, and I could see other people running to help, some of them shouting angrily at me. I meant no harm – but it was too late now. As far as they were concerned I was some mad dog, turning savage. My life was in danger! I turned and ran away across the grass as fast as my legs could carry me. When I was out of sight, I dived into some shrubbery to hide. I was so overcome with emotion that I was shaking. I wasn’t mad! I wasn’t savage! Were they really going to put me down just because I took the piss? Didn’t any of them understand? I wanted to cry, but I had no tears. I was a dog. No one would ever know me again.

  As I cringed in the shrubbery, fearful for my life, I had a sudden, desperate need for human company. My family! I was gripped with a terrible panic that I’d never be able to communicate with them ever again, that they’d always see me like this – as something revolting and mad that ought to be destroyed. I hadn’t even thought about them for days, but now I was desperate just to glimpse them – just to reassure myself that they were still there, that they still remembered me even if they could never recognise me ever again.

  Forgetting even about the danger to my life, I dashed out of my hiding place and raced off across the grass. I had to see them! I had to make sure they were all right!

  I was already thinking so much like a girl again that I was amazed at how quickly my feet took me back home – through the park, out opposite Sainsbury’s and then I just shot off behind Withington and into the estate. Past the cars, past the roads – bang! – and there was my house, sitting like something in a picture I’d seen long ago and then forgotten.

  Down went my tail. I crouched on the pavement and whined. What could I do to get back everything I’d lost? Family, friends, a lifetime before me – all gone. I remembered Fella’s words – ‘A dog’s days are short …’

  Carefully, tenderly almost, I nosed open the gate, crossed the front lawn to the window, put my feet on the sill and looked into the front room.

  It was all so, so familiar – the settee, the TV in the corner, the carpet, the rug, the cushions. If only I could jump in through the window and be a girl again before I landed on my feet. Where was everyone? Adam would be at school, but what about Mum? She’d have finished by now.

  I ran round the back and looked in through the French windows at the back, but there was no one in. I hung around in the back garden for a while, hiding under the hedge, until at last there was a noise at the front. Quickly, silently, I ran to stick my head around the corner – and there she was with her key in the lock. My heart just leaped for joy.

  My mum! Isn’t it funny – I forgot in a second how she’d betrayed me and failed to know who I was. I forgot all my angry thoughts about her – of course she loves me! And of course I loved her. I may get cross and say horrible things, but in my heart, I never doubted it for a second.

  I was just in time to see her push the door open and go inside, and it was all I could do to stop myself barking with joy. My own mum! I knew her, but she didn’t know me – how could she? I ducked back in case she turned round and saw me. I didn’t want to scare her – I couldn’t bear her to be scared of me.

  I went back under the hedge and tried to work out what to do, but in the end there was nothing. They would never know me or accept me as I was. I hung around the house all afternoon and all evening in the end. I just wanted to see them even though I couldn’t be a part of the family again – not yet, anyway. I wanted to remind myself of what I really was. I saw my mum on her own in the sitting room sipping a cup of tea. I listened at the back door while she cooked dinner. The radio was playing a silly little song – you remember it, ‘Little Men’ by the Stereo Pop – and she sang along.

  ‘Oh, the little men come, one two three,

  One for you and two for me,

  Oh, the little men wear silly hats,

  Always pointed, never flat,’ she sang.

  I forgot myself and tried to join in. Of course, she stopped singing at once when she heard my racket, and I had to run and hide away under the hedge again while she came to look at what had made such an ugly noise.

  I was horrified all over again. We used to sing that song together, it had been in the charts for weeks. Now it scared her to hear me. But then I got angry again. I mean – she was my mother and I couldn’t even sing along to her songs. I couldn’t even show myself to her or she started screeching and yelling. I lay under that bush growling away to myself under my breath – but I was too exhausted by emotion to keep it up, and I soon got depressed and just lay there, licking my paws and whining to myself.

  Later on, Adam came home from school and plumped himself as usual in front of the TV. Mum made him a sandwich and a cup of tea. I watched him eat it through the sitting room window, ducking and diving whenever he looked up. It was hard because cars or people kept going past and I had to hide from them too; but I had my ears and nose to help me there. I spent the whole evening tormenting myself like that. Later still, Julie came by. As soon as she opened the door, my mum came out and thr
ew her arms around her and they both burst into tears.

  I was so relieved to see them cry. Isn’t that selfish of me? Although it had been comforting in a way to see everything looking so normal, it was really upsetting because it looked as if me disappearing had made no difference at all. I suppose I should have been happy that I hadn’t wrecked their lives, but when I saw them crying their hearts out, I was pleased.

  ‘I don’t think we’ll ever see her again, Julie,’ said my mum. At the same moment, Adam appeared behind them in the hall and guess what? There were tears in his eyes, too. My whole family weeping for me. I felt my heart overflow. I’d thought I was just a problem for them, but all the time they loved me, even Adam who never said a friendly word. They loved me so much that their lives would never be the same again without me. Unable to help myself, a low howling moan escaped my lips. Mum looked over Julie’s shoulder and saw me.

  ‘It’s that dog – the mad one – look!’ she said. Everyone turned round. I yipped at them, but I had no words, no tears, nothing. I ran off, tail tucked in, body low. Behind me the door slammed. All I could do for those who loved me was to take myself away, and all they wanted was to have me back in their arms!

  In the dark, wet Manchester night I roamed the streets not knowing what to do next. But in the end there was only one thing to do – I went back to Terry. He had done this to me, but what other hope was there for me to get my life back? Of course, there was always Fella and Mitch – but I needed people, and Terry was the only one who’d have me.

  I found him early the next morning wandering about in front of Blockbusters in Ladybarn. His face lit up when he saw me, and he got down on his knees to hold me and clutch my ears and rub my face. I was so glad to see him!

  ‘You gorgeous girl, where have you been? Off on your adventures? And you came home, you good good girl, you came home!’ He wept with joy, and I admit I did too – or I would have done if I could have. Then he slipped the string around my neck and led me up the road towards Levenshume.