Berserk

by K. S. Adkins

  Waiting for my flight to take off, I flag down the flight attendant, asking her for liquor. Any liquor. I’d never admit this to anyone, but I hate flying. I’ve repelled from planes but to me it’s not the same. Now that I’m a civilian it’s okay to be terrified, I remind myself. So begging for booze to calm me before we take off made perfect sense. Traveling with the guys, I always focused on everything but being on a machine built by the lowest bidder and yes I’m referring to planes owned by the government. Checking my buckle again and throwing back oh god, what is this shit? Cheap vodka, this will work. I close my eyes and wait for those hellish moments between take off and air time.

  Once I’m confident that we aren’t going to fall from the sky, I rummage through my bag looking for my ChapStick. Now that my lips are taken care of I realize I’m fidgety. I’m never fidgety. Saying goodbye to the guys last night was all sorts of wrong. Deep down, that’s another thing that’s really bothering me. It’s because they didn’t seem sad to see me go, at all.

  That broke my heart.

  They didn’t ask me the usual questions or grill me on my job loss, nothing. They drank beer, we played pool, told jokes, and I arm wrestled Eric (and won). Then the questions started. In fact, the entire night following was a history lesson on Max. Where did I meet him? How old was he? Was he ever funny? Do I miss him? I’m hurt by this, deeply. My team was supposed to back me, not pepper me with questions they had to have known would hurt me. I’m sick of being hurt, yet I’m here flying in this piece of shit plane back to heartache US-fucking-A.

  Closing my eyes and counting my breaths, the attendant cheerfully alerts us we’ll be landing in ten minutes. Fuck off, cheerleader, I think to myself, you’re getting paid to be happy. What is the matter with me? Oh, I know, every single male I care about gives not one shit about me, and it’s wrecking me. I wonder if they’re hiring at Target? I fucking love Target. Jesus, am I drunk already? I have three bottles in my lap, those mine? “These mine?” I ask, and when he nods I ask again, “All of em?” Rolling his eyes and looking away he doesn’t answer. “Fuck you,” I think to myself. “I could stop your heart with my index finger and the barf bag and still make it look like an accident.”

  “Did you just threaten me?”

  “I said that out loud?” When he nods angrily I reply instantly, “I’m a pathetic drunk. My husband doesn’t want me, I lost my friends, my apartment, and even the government got rid of me. I used to get paid to kill people sometimes. You’re not into drugs, are you? Got a rap sheet? Oh, I know, want me to freestyle for you?”

  Suddenly he’s up and down the aisle along with everyone else. We landed? Huh. Grabbing my overhead bag, I throw it over my shoulder and head through Metro, grab a coffee, walk past baggage claim to flag a cab. The second the Michigan air hits my face my panic and buzz subside and I can think clearly again.

  “I’m home,” I whisper to no one but myself and step forward, hoping to grab a ride.

  Not having to wait long, a cabbie driving like Cole Trickle pulls up. Fishing out my phone and staring at the address I attempt to tell him my destination, but he opens my door, pretty much pushes me in and mutters, “Meters running,” then hops in the driver’s seat and floors it. Telling him the address he nods, turning on the radio. Pulling up Lina’s number I do as she instructed and text her, letting her know that I’m here. She doesn’t reply, so I take the time to stare out the window while listening to the music that’s on.

  I hear it, the lyrics. Instantly I choke up, biting my lip. God, I love this song. It reminds me of him. Then I find myself singing along; I can’t help myself. Even the driver is humming it. When the end approaches the tears fall. This part always gets me. Then when I can’t bear to sing it and close my eyes, the driver does it for me.

  “And I been waiting for this time to come around

  But baby running after you is like chasing the clouds”

  When the song ends I tell him, “You have a beautiful voice.” But he just nods, so then I curl into the leather and close my eyes while I twirl my ring around on my finger. Fifteen minutes or so later, when the hurt had passed enough to open them again, I look and see he’s on the wrong side of town.

  “Are you new?” I ask him. “You should have taken the freeway and dropped me on Michigan Avenue. What are you doing on this side of the city?”

  Motherfucker is ignoring me. Just another male who could give a shit about me, awesome.

  “Yo! Mr. Cab Driver,” I growl. “I need to be in Midtown; this is not Midtown.” Pulling over and throwing it in park, he takes his hat off, turns toward me and says, “I know.” Then I lose the ability to breathe.

  “M-Max?”

  “Hello, Blue. How’s my girl?”

  My mouth is opening and closing, but I have nothing. We just stare at each other. My heart is beating so fast I almost touch my chest to see if it’s beating outside of my sweater. He looks so hopeful, but I can’t figure out why. No more than I can figure out why he’s driving the cab I’m in. Suddenly confused and quite frankly wanting to be hopeful but to beat down to give in to it, I just stare back. He leans over and opens the passenger door, tilting his head toward me, letting me know to come and sit up front. Maybe I am not as beat down as I thought I was, because the second he smiled at me I couldn’t get out of that back seat fast enough.

  “Thing is, she’s disgustingly happy when you’re not ruining shit.”

  Years of goodbyes and it comes down to this. Letting it all ride for her like she’s done for me. I want the love of my life back and I had no problem with stealing a cab to do it.

  When she climbed up front, time stopped. We were both out of breath, though neither of us hardly moved. Staring at each other, I had so much to say but didn’t know where to start. How do I tell her she’s my fantasy, my reality, and that I’m her biggest fan? What words describe the pain I’ve felt since she’s been gone? That it’s a physical pain, deep, clawing pain that steals my breath it hurts so much. Should I have written this down? Shit. It sounded so much better this morning. Look at her, how can she get even more beautiful? Do I tell her I sleep clutched to her pillow, or is that creepy? Should I confess I called her team constantly begging to know if she’s okay, and that when they tell me I’m pussy whipped, I take that as a compliment?

  I have to tell her I was a fool. That I let the greatest love I’ve ever known slip through my clumsy fingers because I was afraid of her getting hurt, but knowing that I hurt her anyway because I was a coward. Lying to her about how I felt was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Except I didn’t want to do it; I thought I was saving her. How do I tell her that she’s bright. So fucking bright, especially when she smiles for me. Her light brightens up everything. Should I tell her I want to cook for her, find out what she likes to do on Sundays, and would she still want kids someday? Maybe I should start with telling her she’s the bravest woman I have ever met. Okay, that’s good. I should start with that, right? Maybe I should just beg. Tell her how much I love and miss her. Women like that, right? God, I fucking suck at this.

  “Do you mean it?” she asks, and it takes me several seconds to stop staring at her perfect mouth. I missed that mouth. Kissing it, being ordered around by it, and…

  “Max,” she says, touching my face in her tiny hands. “Did you really mean it?”

  “Mean what?” I ask, then drop my head. “I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

  “Mhmm,” she says, giggling. “You did.”

  “I mean it more than you know, Blue,” I whisper. “Please,” I beg. “Please forgive me.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll do whatever it takes, Blue,” I tell her. “I’ve been thinking, and we could try counseling if you thought that would help. I know I made mistakes. Wait, okay?”

  Nodding and smiling, she whispers, “Okay, Max.”

  God, I want her in my lap, but not yet. Grabbing the buckle I click it, securing her. “Do you still love me?”

  “I told
you,” she says quietly. “I’ll love you always.”

  “I’m holding you to that.”

  Hitting the gas, taking corners at less than safe speeds, we pull up to Lush. Checking my watch I see it’s 2:59 p.m. Running around to the passenger side I rip her door open, pull her out, and drag her through the front doors.

  Less waiting, more doing. We’re doing this, right fucking now.

  “What are we doing?” she asks, squeezing my hand.

  “Doing what I should have done a long time ago, Blue,” I say, hugging her tight. “I’m putting you first.”

  While she’s stunned at my words, I pull her through the doors hoping she’ll make me the happiest man in the world, again.

  In a rare moment of seriousness, I knew Lina needed me to be honest with her. No games, no bullshit. So I gave it to her. When she asked me what love was, I told her the truth. “For me, it’s him.”

  “Come on! That’s your answer?”

  “He’s love,” I tell her. “You asked me, that’s my answer.”

  “You suck at this!”

  Laughing after she hangs up on me, I was tempted to call her back and ask her why she even wanted to know. But like all things Lina, when she was ready she would tell me.

  Or in her usual way, show me.

  Breathe. I tell myself. Breathe. You can do it. In, out, in, out. Stunned into silence I let Max pull me through the doors then it’s like a festival of lights. Some twinkled, some sparkled, and some even danced. There was so much light but it wasn’t bright, it was…magical.

  Allowing my eyes to adjust and never letting go of his hand, I take it all in. Lush isn’t Lush anymore, it’s… “The wedding you should have had,” he whispers, kissing me on the cheek.

  Looking up at him, the tears start to fall. “You did this?” I ask. “For me?”

  “For you,” he says. “Maybe a little bit for me, too.”

  “She’s crying? Fuck! I ain’t never seen Boss cry. Now I’m gonna cry. Shit! Yo, Saint, she didn’t even cry when she got stabbed with that spoon, ̓member that?”

  “Bishop!” I squeal, running over to him and jumping into his arms. Squeezing as tight as I can I could feel him crying, too. Then I’m met with arms and stubble. My guys are here, holding me tight. “Saint!” I say, kissing his chest, because I can’t reach any higher. “Jumbo!” He pulls me from the guys and spins me whispering, “Love you, Boss. Not more than he does, but a fuckuva lot.” Releasing me, he pushes me toward Duffy who looks like he’s worried I wouldn’t be happy to see him. “Duffy!” I cry out, running into him. “You’re here?” I ask, crying. “No place else I’d rather be, Red. No place.”

  When Max gently brings me back to his side the full reality of what’s happening is still lost on me until I see Venessa, Macy, Rogan, and Rafe. But my heart literally stops when I see her. “Lina,” I whisper doing everything I can not to collapse. Oh god, she’s here. She came for me, too. I missed her so much.

  When she pulls me in for a hug I lose it. I love Venessa and Macy, I do, but Lina is my sister. A piece of me was missing with her gone.

  “Miss me?” she asks, rocking me back and forth.

  “Not even a little bit.”

  “Yeah,” she says, laughing. “Me neither.”

  “Why are you here? What is everyone doing here?”

  “Jules, I’d like you to meet someone,” she says, stepping aside. Then he approaches, wearing that smile I heard all about. “Jules Allen, this is Anthony Gallo.”

  Pulling me into a fierce hug he whispers, “Thank you for saving my friend. I owe you a debt.” Then before I can answer he speaks aloud. “Word on the street is you’ve been looking for me?”

  “You’re a tough man to pin down,” I reply, looking at Lina. “Some would say like a ghost.”

  “I was always coming back,” he says, looking at Max and me, then shrugs “When the time was right, I came back.”

  “With Lina.”

  “Indeed.”

  “Huh.”

  “Uh-oh,” says Macy. “Jules’ wheels are spinnin’, everyone wearing their Kevlar?”

  “Kevlar?” I ask, looking at everyone while they laugh their asses off. But then he takes me aside and says, “Everyone but me is wearing it.”

  “Why is anyone wearing it at all?”

  “Because you’re marrying me again,” he says, kneeling in front of me. “They took bets that if you went berserk, there could be gunfire. I, on the other hand, trust you not to hurt me. Marry me again, Blue. Let me show you how good we could be.”

  Falling to my own knees, I wrap my arms around his neck. “I would never hurt you, Max, never.”

  “Is that a yes? Because if it is, you’ll make me the happiest man in the world again.”

  “It’s a yes.”

  Pulling me up he twirls me, then gives me the most amazing kiss I’ve ever had. It is filled with everything that is simply him, everything I’ve always wanted is right here in my arms.

  For good.

  Several coughs and two get-a-rooms later, we end our kiss. “Ready?” he asks, walking me to the platform “Ready,” I say back, followed by a, “Wait, who’s going to marry us? Am I marrying us? Can I even do that?”

  “Check this out, Boss,” says Bishop, waving a piece of paper in my face. “I’m all certified and shit.”

  Laughing harder than I have in a long time, I take his hand and we face each other. “Max, my man, you got the ring?”

  When he pales and looks uncertain I bring my left hand forward and smile. “You kept it?” he asks, kissing my hand. “I haven’t taken it off,” I whisper back.

  “Thank fuck! Crisis averted people!”

  “This man works for the government, you say?” This from Tony, who in turn makes Lina crack up. Hold on, Lina cracked up? Even the girls noticed that one.

  “What about your ring, Max?” I ask, but then he puts out his left hand. I see his band there and it chokes me up. “You kept it?”

  “It’s never been far from me, Blue,” he says. “Not once.”

  “Let’s do this! Oh shit Wait!”

  “You’re killing me boss,” says Bishop. Turning to a very worried Max I get on my toes and whisper to him. “I need to know you forgive me.”

  “Forgive you for what?”

  “For lying to you all those years and about destroying the evidence,” I tell him with tears. “I’m sorry I did that. I was just trying to keep you and my team safe.”

  “I taught her that,” I hear Lina tell Tony and it makes me smile because she did teach me that. Then Max kisses me hard on the mouth and whispers. “Forgiven. Always forgiven, Blue.”

  Crying and smiling I look up to Bishop. “Skip to the end,” I order him. He looks seriously put out, but does as he’s told.

  “Do you?” he asks, looking at Max.

  “I do.”

  “Do you, Boss?” he asks, looking at me.

  “I do too.”

  “Then fuck it,” he says, wiping his eyes. “Play ball!”

  Laughing so hard we can barely kiss, we stay like that for a few. Watching my past, present, and future all in one room together not only has me feeling at peace, it makes me feel loved. He did that for me. The thing is, I’m used to this life. He isn’t, but we both made mistakes. I’m done running, he’s done letting me go. Together we’ll figure this marriage thing out and always put each other first. But first, he’s holding his hand out, which means I have to take it.

  “I believe I owe you a ride.”

  “Here?”

  Throwing his head back he laughs long and loud, causing everyone to stop and look. Then when they each see him laugh, they laugh too. Taking me out the front of Lush and dragging me over to the alley, he pulls me back to a halt.

  “Wait here,” he says. “Don’t move.”

  Have you ever watched that movie Ella Enchanted? It’s like that. I can’t not do what he says. I find myself willing and eager to make him happy. (To a point; I draw the line at p
arlor tricks) A rumbling noise has me craning my neck, then like a warrior he turns the corner and there he is.

  Pulling up alongside the curb, he puts both legs down holding the bike up, reaches behind him, and produces a helmet and says, “Missed this with you.” Suddenly he pulls me closer, moves my hair around, and places the helmet snugly on my head. “Beautiful,” he says, helping me climb on. “Fucking beautiful.”

  He takes me outside the city. So many lights, trees, and landmarks. It’s almost too much for me to take in. Preferring holding him to naming everything we pass, it startles me when I can hear him talking to me in my helmet. Okay, that’s like some NASA shit right there.

  She was sprawled across my chest, playing with my chest hair and wiggling her toes. That feeling of being content, of my life lining up at the right time, hit me hard. Lifting her chin, I go for it. “You’ve given me everything, Blue; now I’m asking for forever. Marry me.”

  “I’ll give you forever on one condition.”

  “Name it.”

  “No matter what tries to come between us,” she says, “promise me, you’ll always come back for me.”

  “I promise.”

  “Yes,” she says, smiling. “I’ll marry you.”

  Sliding in and making love to her slowly, everything she begged for, I promised to give her. Little did I know that one day I would break every one of those promises, and that she would still love me in spite of it.

  She lit up.

  The second I turned the corner and she saw me she lit up. As long as I live, that will never get old. Taking the helmet I had made for her she climbs on, and I had to tell her how beautiful she was right then. An ache started in my chest and threatened to take over. Now, I remind myself, I have her now and forever. The past is the past, so once she gets secure and latches on I take off heading to the least-busy roads so she can look all she likes. When she sees something she likes her grip tightens. When I slow down so she can readjust her grip tightens then, too.