Berserk

by K. S. Adkins

  “That’s on me, Blue,” I remind her. “Not you.”

  “I could have picked up the phone when you called. I could have responded to your emails. That’s on me, Max.”

  She may have absolved me, but I hadn’t absolved myself. All of our failings are on me, every last one.

  True to their word, Tony and Lina came back. Tony is offering words of encouragement while Lina just stares at Jules. Tony walks over to Lina and asks if she’ll be all right while we step out into the hall to talk. She nods, but her gaze never leaves Jules.

  If there was ever a time I even considered smoking, this was it. There are no words to describe what she went through this morning. What seeing her go through it did to me. The whole thing took minutes, but the memory will stay with me forever. Forcing myself to focus I follow as Tony takes us to an empty waiting room to talk privately.

  “She’s being moved to a private room today,” I offer, more to myself then to him. “The doctor said she’s doing even better than he expected.”

  “That’s good,” he says. “Real good. You need to rest too, you know, to be strong for her.”

  “I’ll rest when she’s home,” I tell him. “Not until then.”

  “Fair enough,” he says. “I’m at your disposal, Max, so if there’s a need I expect a call.”

  “I know,” I say. “Thank you.”

  “I need to talk to you about, Lina,” he starts. “Spending a lot of time with her lately I’ve come to notice some things that concern me.”

  “Like?”

  “How she withdraws,” he says. “Loses touch with reality, how she can literally disconnect herself from everything and everyone. But if she gets a call for a job she snaps back until it’s over. I’m concerned about her taking on any additional stress. I’m worried she’s about to crack.”

  “Did you not track her down for the sole purpose of using her for her skills?”

  “I did,” he admits. “But that was when I thought I was dealing with someone whole. She’s not whole, Max, and I can’t be responsible for her breaking apart, not for war, not for anyone. Lina is one step away from a complete breakdown.”

  “Maybe you should trust her to know her own limits?”

  “She doesn’t have limits when it comes to seeking the truth. It consumes her,” he says. “That’s the problem.”

  “Then what’s the solution?”

  “Yes, Tony,” she says, filling the doorway, looking hostile. “What is the solution?”

  “I was speaking with Max privately, Lina,” he says. “If I wanted to discuss this with you, I would have.”

  When her nostrils flare I recognize the signs and want to vacate the premises. I have enough on my plate without getting in between these two.

  “You can leave in a minute, Max,” she says stepping into the room. She is a tiny woman, and unless you stand next to her you forget just how tiny. Because her presence is larger than life. “I’m only going to say this once. You can’t win this without me. This was my choice. Never mind that you were manipulating me from the second we met to get me where we are right now. I don’t care what you think of my mental state Dr. Gallo; I’m doing this for her. Venessa and Macy, too. When the war’s over, I’m gone. You tiptoe, choosing your words carefully, then you confess this to someone else behind my back? I have a feeling when the day comes and I finally get to see the real you, I’m not going to like him very much.”

  Stalking her and grabbing her shoulder, he growls in her face. “Because I care what happens to you? You are not ready for this; I don’t know anyone who is ready for this.”

  Stepping back, she looks like he slapped her. “Fuck you.” She growls at him. “You move us all around like pieces on a god damn chess board doing your bidding while you keep your secrets and lies to yourself. You don’t know what I’m ready for, and I’ll be damned if you’ll ever have a say in my choices. I’m sorry for this, Max; tell her I’ll be back… when I can.”

  “Lina.” He calls for her, but she throws up two middle fingers and storms off in answer.

  “I think you underestimate her.”

  “I thought I’d lose her to madness; instead I lost her for fucking caring.”

  “Why don’t you go and catch her before she makes it to the lobby,” I offer. “I’ve got things under control here.”

  Nodding, he gets to the door and turns back. “Am I wrong for wanting her safe?”

  “No,” I tell him. “But you care for her because of who she is, Tony. I don’t know what strategy you used to get her here, but you aren’t fooling her. She wants to help; you know full well she’ll do it with or without you. Ask yourself if you can live with that.”

  “Marriage suits you, Max,” he says, laughing. “See you soon.”

  Walking back over to her room the nurse instructs me that she’s awake, alert, and extremely pissed off. Smiling to myself I mumble, she’s back and head in to see my wife.

  “Quit being a pussy,” he says while Saint sits on me.

  “Keep talking, asshole, and I’ll show you pussy.”

  “You promise?”

  “I fucking hate—ow! Stop! Shit!”

  “See?” he says, laughing with the others. “Pussy.”

  Bishop leans forward, holding out his palm. In it is a rusty spoon that he just removed from my body. Sweating and in a fair amount of pain, I order him, “Get off me. I can’t breathe.” Once he’s off and I can take a deep breath; I look from him to the spoon, over to the team, and back to the spoon. “You fuckers are never going to let me live this one down, are you?”

  Each one of them smiles in answer. Let it be known, to this day they haven’t let me forget, and I only use forks now, thank you very much.

  I fucking hate hospitals.

  The doctor says based on being capped in the lower back and it missing major muscles and never going deep enough to damage vital organs, my recovery time is anywhere from three to six months. He also says because I’m in good shape that time could be cut in half. Bottom line is, this is worse than the spoon incident. That got me a shot of lidocaine and a stitch. This has me walking with a cane and stuck in this hell hole for another week. Bishop and Max agree that I am by far the worst patient they have ever seen, and I don’t bother to correct them.

  The nurses are pretty wonderful, and help me with my exercises and do a bang-up job managing my pain. Max refuses to go home, and if he does it’s only to shower, change, and come back. The biggest worry was my blood loss. Now that my vitals are stable I can feel myself getting stronger, but when my body decides it’s time to sleep, it sleeps.

  I sleep a lot.

  Visitors are also frequent. So frequent and loud, I’ve been moved three times in an effort not to piss off other patients. Now I’m literally at the end of the hall with empty rooms on each side and a janitor’s closet across from me. The janitor on duty this afternoon is Will. He’s a stand-up guy who sneaks me ice cream and gossips about the staff.

  He is also a veteran, so we swap stories when he’s on break or when I accidently spill something and he comes in and takes two hours to clean it up.

  The crew is bringing me dinner tonight, and we’re also going to discuss next steps. Max informed me Lina plans to recruit an army and that Tony is suddenly opposed to it. That threw me, but until I can speak with her about it I’m still Team Lina.

  Max is the first to show, and as always he looks beautiful to me. Tossing a duffel bag on the chair next to my bed he walks to me, kisses me, then closes the door.

  “How is my wife feeling?”

  “Good,” I say. “Will just left. Did you know he was a pilot in Desert Storm?”

  “No,” he says, “I did not. Should I be worried I have competition, Blue?”

  “Pssh,” I say, reaching for him. “You’re the complete package, husband.”

  “Good answer,” he says, opening the duffel. “Don’t tell the nurses, but I brought you a few things from home.”

  Opening the duffel
he produces several of his shirts, a pair of track pants, underwear, and oh my god! “Coney!” I squeal. “You do love me!”

  “Blue,” he says, sitting next to me. “Never doubt how much, promise me.”

  “Never,” I whisper. “I promise.”

  Kissing me hard on the mouth, I slowly raise my arms up to put them around his neck. I’m still extremely stiff and sore, but I manage. I need him close to me, so the pain can fuck off.

  “I’m interrupting,” says Tony. “I’ll just wait outside.”

  “It’s okay, Tony,” I say. “For the immediate future all we’ve got is first base, anyway.”

  “That’s one way to look at it,” he says, leaning against the wall. “Lina’s gone. She made it clear she won’t be found until she’s ready, and that she doesn’t want you to worry.”

  “Shit,” I say, setting my Coney back down. My appetite suddenly vanished with the news. “It’s what she does,” I explain to them, both but mostly to Tony. “When she’s working or just needs space, she does this. Did she say anything else to you?”

  “The message was for you, Jules,” he says looking at the floor. “I’ve made mistakes with her, I’m afraid. I’d like to think she’s teaching me a lesson, but after your explanation I’d have to say no.”

  “What happened?”

  “She overheard a conversation between Max and myself,” he says, looking miserable. “I was worried about her; she was adamant about helping from a distance despite my efforts. Then you were injured and she jumped in. She’s withdrawing from me, and once I thought about it, my decision to bring her in was before I knew the facts. She took it personally and left.”

  “Tony,” I say. “I need you to listen to me. She’s a very insecure person, but not how you think. She’s also too fearless for her own good. She feels guilty about me, and she’s out for blood. You have to find her, convince her she can trust you, and do not let her do this alone.”

  “I can’t lose her,” he says, more to himself than to us. “But she won’t let me hold on to her, either.”

  “Give her a reason to, Tony,” I advise. “She told me she knows she’s being used by you, and she was okay with it because she was born to be used.”

  “That isn’t true,” he growls. “Maybe it was in the beginning, but it hasn’t been since five minutes after meeting her!”

  “Do not make the mistake of upsetting my wife,” says Max, standing up. “You did use her, Tony; don’t fucking sugar coat it. You got her to do what you wanted then she heard you tell me she wasn’t stable enough to do it.”

  “You said that?”

  “Yes, I said it!” he yells. “But I didn’t mean it to come out like that! She has these episodes where she completely blanks! I can’t subject her to that on a daily basis; I won’t fucking do it!”

  “It’s how she stays sane, Tony,” I whisper, choking up. “She shuts down to process things, but she comes back. Consider what it is she does for a living, then factor in her abilities. She’s even surprised she’s held out this long.”

  “I’ll find her,” he swears. “I’ll fix it. My apologies for upsetting you, Jules. What you did in protecting her, I can never repay but I will do my best. If there’s ever a need...”

  “I’m asking now,” I say. “If you care for her half as much as I think you do, find her. If you don’t care for her, leave her alone.”

  “When I find her,” he says in a low voice, “she’ll seriously reconsider ever fucking leaving me again.”

  Storming out of the room Max whistles and I grab my phone, sending her a text. I let her know he’s coming for her and that he’s pissed at her for leaving. Within seconds she sends me a reply of her own.

  Game the fuck on.

  Tony may think she’s unstable and that he has the upper hand with her, but he’d be wrong about that, too. Before Max and I can discuss it, everyone shows up, and it goes from worrying about Lina’s sanity to worrying about Lina’s future as well as our own.

  “If you didn’t love Boss,” Jumbo says in a rare conversation, “Would you hook up with these club broads?”

  “I do love her,” I tell him. “It’s always been her. I haven’t noticed another woman since the day I met her.”

  “It’s cool if I do, though, right?”

  “Not while you’re working, but after that, I don’t care what you do.”

  “So banging in my truck out back is cool, right? Because I ain’t inside?”

  “Are you asking me or telling me?”

  “Both?”

  “What would Jules say?”

  “She’d say keep that shit in your pants while you’re on the clock, manwhore. You can fuck it out when you clock out.”

  “She actually says that, doesn’t she?”

  “Yup.”

  The last week of Jules being in the hospital has been rough on her. She’s up and mobile, but she tires quickly, and that pisses her off. Her team won’t leave her side any sooner than I will, and that’s driving her nuts, too. Tomorrow she’ll be discharged, so the girls went with Rogan and Rafe to get food and her scripts filled while the team and I get her ready for the move. She’s been doing her exercises like a woman on a mission. She works so hard she passes out immediately after. I’ve never been more proud of her.

  Saint and Duffy went to the airport to grab Mack to surprise her when she gets home. Bishop and Jumbo begged to run the club this weekend, and I allowed it. It’s insured; the wait staff needs the cash, so they can destroy it for all I care. I just want to be home with my wife while she recovers, and I want her attached me even afterward. Waiting in her room for her to return from PT, I pack her bag, and when her phone pings I check it. I see a text from Lina, but an ongoing thread between the two. Scanning it quickly, I text Tony a hint of where I think she might be. Sending it over, I smile at myself for giving Tony a much-needed push. Jules was doing the same in her own way, so the sooner these two find each other and work it out, the better. Tony likes being in the know; I imagine being clueless is killing him right now. I might like knowing he’s suffering a bit, too.

  Sitting in the chair, looking out the window over the city, I wonder when and how the next attack is going to come. I know it’s coming; it’s the one outcome we each are prepared for. We just don’t know which direction it will come from. The guys will be staying with us for a time, while rotating shifts at Rogan and Rafe’s as well. As soon as Lina is back in line, we’ll add her too. Tony needs to find her fast, though; her being out there exposed has her the easiest target right now. Especially, if she’s out there amassing an army without protection.

  “What has you frowning?”

  “Thinking about Lina,” I say, turning. “Out there exposed. Wondering when the next fight is coming, and making sure you’re safe when it happens.”

  “Lina can handle herself until Tony tracks her down,” she says, navigating the wheelchair to sit next to me. “And hopefully the next strike doesn’t come for another few weeks, so I can participate.”

  “I forbid it,” I growl. “Haven’t you been hurt enough?”

  “Forbid it?” she asks, laughing. “I was shot, Maxwell; it happens.”

  “It doesn’t happen,” I say, standing up. “This wasn’t random, god dammit; they wanted to kill you.”

  “But they didn’t,” she says, “When they come back, I will fight. We all will fight.”

  “No you won’t,” I say. “I want my wife safe!”

  “I will fight, Maxwell,” she argues. “It’s what I’m good at, it’s what I’m trained for; you know that. They got the drop on me, but it will not happen again. Once you calm down, you’ll see—”

  “I will not calm down!” I yell. “You were shot in the fucking back! You had machines breathing for you because your heart couldn’t take it! I can’t fucking take it, Blue! I can’t take you being out there in god damn danger! I don’t give a holy fuck how good you are at it!”

  “Max,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around
my waist. “I’m sorry.”

  “You shouldn’t be,” I groan. “You didn’t do this. I’m just worried, Blue. This is raw for me right now; I can’t fucking deal with it.”

  “I’ll make you a deal,” she says. “Let’s get me home, healed up, and have some serious us time, and we’ll take the rest as it comes, okay?”

  “I know who I married, Blue,” I say, kissing her hair. “I just—”

  “Want to protect me because you love me,” she says, finishing my thought for me. “If memory serves, that’s the very reason I came back too, Max.”

  “Deal,” I say, sitting her down so she can rest. “You’ve got a deal.”

  When she doesn’t answer I lean her back and see she’s fallen asleep in my arms. Laying her down, positioning her with a pillow to take pressure off of her back, I sit back in my chair watching her. Telling myself we’ll get through this is on repeat in my head. Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll even believe it.

  Listening to her snore, I know that when we go to war my wife won’t allow herself to be pushed to the back. She’ll be on the front line with the rest of us, giving orders and knowing every one of us will listen.

  My wife is a solider.

  “I’m horny,” I tell her, pouting. “This blows.”

  “So does your mouth,” she says. “Use it for its intended purpose and quit your bitching.”

  “He gets off but I don’t?”

  “You take care of him, he takes care of you.”

  “That won’t work!”

  “You’re not listening to me,” she says, probably rolling her eyes at me over the phone. “You take care of him but, if he holds on hooking you up let his balls explode. Then take pictures.”

  “Lina, you are a genius!”

  “That’s why they pay me the big bucks.”

  I’ve been home for three weeks now. A lot has happened in that time. To start, despite my therapist’s protests I stopped my PT and started working out with Max instead. I know what my body can and can’t do, so I listen to it and adjust accordingly. The fatigue is almost gone, which was my greatest challenge. For someone who doesn’t require a lot of rest in the first place things like falling asleep sitting up or at the dinner table was frustrating. Now I hardly nap and sleep through the night, but when I do wake up he’s there to talk me back to sleep.