How to Ruin Your Boyfriends Reputation

by Simone Elkeles

Page 13

 

  "No. It said no going off in private and fornicating. You really need to read the details more carefully. Anyways, nobody under the age of fifty knows the actual definition of fornicating so it wont hold up in a court of law. "

  "I told you Im not doing this, Amy. "Well, unless we pretend to date, and then after were done with the Israeli army portion of the trip I pretend to break up with you and you pretend to be devastated in front of Tori. You can tell Tori after the fake breakup that Im good at everything. You know, make me sound like the stud you know I am. You have to promise to set us up, without her knowing youre setting us up. Then youve got what you want, and Ive got what I want. Deal?"

  I dont mention that if he was a real stud, he wouldnt need me pretending hes one. I also dont mention that Tori hates me, so the last person shell listen to is me. But whatever. "Fine. "

  Before I can think twice about my deal with Nathan, he takes my hand and leads me to the middle of where our group has assembled around Avi. Avi is standing with his arms crossed, waiting impatiently. His jaw is clenched as he watches us walk up.

  "No hand holding," he barks.

  Nathan gazes at me with love and tenderness, then kisses the back of my hand before letting it go.

  Avi explains that well be racing against another team, and its up to us to make sure everyone participates in each obstacle.

  "What if I cant scale that wall?" Miranda asks.

  "Have one of your teammates help you over it," Avi tells her. "Youre a team. Nobody is left behind. Everyone finishes or everyone loses. "

  I hate races. They cause me too much stress. But Avi is a pro at this, and Im ready to prove Im not all talk and drama. I can kick some serious obstacle course butt when it comes right down to it.

  I think.

  The first heat is our team against Lirons team. I want to beat her team so bad, I can taste victory in my mouth. If only I paid more attention when they explained how to climb up that rope.

  Sergeant B-S blows his trusty whistle.

  We all run to the balance beam. One after another we walk across it. Next up are the monkey bars. I havent done them since third grade, when I caught Michael Mat-thews looking up my pink-and-white plaid skirt. When I fell right on top of that little perv, and my knee connected with his face, I was secretly glad he went crying to Mrs. Feinstein with a bloody nose.

  Tori is first. She maneuvers across the monkey bars easily enough, although she skipped the last three bars because she fell. David goes after her, skipping every other one and finishes effortlessly. Mirandas next.

  "I cant do this," she tells us.

  "Try," I say.

  "Why try when I know I cant do it?"

  She sounds more and more like me every day--its scary. Avi said we have to do it, and work as a team, so how can she do it without actually doing it? Im trying to think outside the box. Its a little hard to think when I see that four people from Lirons team have already successfully crossed the bars.

  Ah, Ive got it!

  "What if we get on all fours and you step on our backs?"

  Miranda shrugs.

  I tell the team my plan. Me, Jess, Nathan, and the rest of the guys kneel down. Miranda walks on our backs while holding onto the bars above. I catch Avi nodding in approval and pointing to us as he talks to the sergeant. Miranda finishes with the bars really quickly, then profusely apologizes to the rest of the group as we each maneuver across the bars and head to the next obstacle.

  Okay, so everyone finished the bars easily except for me. I got to the first bar, then slid off because my palms were sweaty and a bee buzzing in my ear freaked me out, even though I knew it was probably a worker bee. In the end, my team had to go down on their hands and knees again. I walked over them while grabbing each bar, just like Miranda.

  The next obstacle is a tunnel. We all climb through easily and stop when we get to the rope. Its at least the height of a flagpole, if not higher.

  I turn to my group. "I just want everyone to know that Im afraid of heights. "

  "Then dont look down," Tori says. She steps on the first knot and starts climbing. "Hold it so it doesnt swing!" she yells at me.

  I hold down the rope, even though Im tempted to jiggle it hard until she falls off. I dont do it, because that would be mean. I might be whiny and a drama queen, but I like to think Im not viciously mean to people.

  David shimmies up the rope right behind Tori.

  When they finish, Jess climbs and then the guys hold the rope for Miranda. For a girl who couldnt do the monkey bars, shes pretty impressive on the rope.

  Now its my turn.

  Just the thought of going up that high makes me dizzy. I turn to Nathan. "Nathan, I dont think I can do it. Ill get vertigo. I dont want to die. "

  Nathan surveys the rope and says to me, "Well, nobody said we cant do it together. Go up and Ill follow behind you. You are my girlfriend; its only natural we do it as a couple. "

  I roll my eyes so only Nathan can see. He kisses me on the nose, putting on the boyfriend act for anyone who cares enough to watch. "When Ethan holds the bottom of the rope, I step on the first big knot.

  "Go up one," Nathan instructs.

  I pull myself up to the next knot, and Nathan steps on the first. His arms are wrapped around my knees, holding me tight. "You okay?"

  "So far, so good. "

  "Go up one more," he says, loosening his hold.

  I go up another one. I feel Nathan right behind me, then holding me tight again. "Any vertigo yet!"

  "Not yet. "

  "Go up another one. "

  "Come on!" Tori yells. "Just do it!"

  "I swear if she yells at me again Im gonna punch her in the face. If I get out of this alive," I add.

  "Ooh, a girl fight. "What a turn-on. "

  "My foot is close to your nuts, Nathan, and youre suspended on a rope. Its probably not the best time to piss me off. "

  "You kick me in the nuts, Im pulling your pants down," he says, following me up another section of rope.

  "Avi will kill you if you do that. "

  "Ill already be dead from the fall so it wont matter. One more, Amy. "

  I close my eyes as we get higher. I have to admit, when Nathans arms are around my knees, I feel safe.

  Up and up we go. I close my eyes when I get to the top and tentatively ring the bell.

  "Grab the handle and ride to the bottom," Nathan says.

  "I cant. "

  "Yes, you can. Youve come all this way--you cant stop now. "

  "Were losing because of you!" Tori yells at me. ""What a spaz," I hear her say.

  Thats it. My anger overrides my fear. I grab the handle and shut my eyes tight while my body glides back to earth.

  When my feet safely reach the ground, I open my eyes. Tori is laughing at me. Jessica looks ready to murder her, probably because shes my best friend and we always look out for each other. I storm up to the laughing hyena.

  "You are seriously the most annoying person," I tell her. "I wonder how anyone can be friends with you. "

  She pushes me. At another time or place I might have lost my balance and fallen on my butt. But adrenaline rushes through my body, giving me strength beyond my normal capabilities. I push her back, and she goes flying. She lands on her butt.

  I stand above her and let it all out. "Stop harassing me, you double-jointed, breast-challenged, designer-knockoff-wearing bully. "

  Toris mouth is open wide. "You hit me!"

  "No, I didnt. I pushed you. "

  "Its against the Sababa rules to assault another person. Im telling!"

  Oh, no. "You pushed me first, Tori. " Geez, and they call me a drama queen.

  Tori storms up to Avi. "Your girlfriend assaulted me. "

  "Youve got two facts wrong. Shes not my girlfriend. And you assaulted her first. Get back to the group and finish the course. "

  "She pushed me. "

  "This is not a discussion. Ge
t back to the group and finish the course. "

  "Cant we just give up?" Nathan asks, watching as the other group nears the finish line. "Weve obviously lost. "

  Looking into Avis eyes, I see strength and determination. He would never give up. He wont let us give up, either. "Lets keep going until we finish," I say to my team.

  We walk half-heartedly to the next obstacle.

  When its my turn to go through the swinging tire, I put my hands and feet in first. Its a big mistake, because now Im stuck. The front half of me is through the tire, but my butt is sticking out the other end. "Push me, Nathan. "

  "Youre giving me permission to touch your ass?"

  "Not touch it. Just push it. "

  "Avis watching. Should I caress it first to make him jealous?"

  "Oh, yeah. What a great idea. Caressing my butt while its stuck in a tire is definitely going to make him jealous. Not. "

  Nathan puts his hand on my butt. "Dont fart. " He pushes me hard until I pop out of the tire. Were all sweaty and hot and its worse because we know we lost.

  The cargo net is easy enough to maneuver, although my foot slips a few times and I get rope burn on the back of my legs.

  At the half wall, Miranda and I are hopeless. The guys hold Miranda on their shoulders and heave her over, then do the same for me. I swear, the wall is impossible. You have to have major arm strength to pull your body over it. Arm strength that I just dont possess.

  After we step through a bunch of tires, we reach the last obstacle: crawling under the net. I look over at Avi watching us and wonder whats going through his head. Theres hardly any room under the net. I kneel on the ground and duck my head. The ground is muddy, so Im definitely getting dirty. I cant even crawl; I have to wiggle on my belly in order to go under this thing.

  I use my fingernails to dig into the ground and my toes to help me slither forward like a snake. Seriously, how can Avi do the entire course in just over a half a minute?

  "Push off my hands," Nathan says from behind me. He pushes me forward. I feel the time ticking away as I slide through. . . all the while my boobs are squished into the ground. My big C/D-cup boobs can probably fit into a training bra now.

  I climb out and we all jog to the finish line. I feel victorious, although I must look like a complete mess. And we are in fact the big losers.

  Avi has us sit on the ground while the other teams take their turns competing on the course. Tori grudgingly mumbles something about her uncle whos a lawyer and about what it did and did not say regarding assault in that infamous Sababa brochure.

  Our group doesnt get to compete in the final heat because we came in last. "When I look up, Avi is standing over me.

  "Amy, can I talk to you for a minute?"

  "Whatever you want to say to me, you can say in front of Nathan," I tell Avi. "We have no secrets between us. "

  Avi takes a deep breath, says, "Forget it," then walks away to stand by himself.

  "Hes brooding, Amy," Nathan informs me.

  "I know. "

  I did tell Noah that whatever Avi wanted to say, he should say it to my face. Well, I guess its time for me to hear it firsthand. I shouldnt delay the inevitable, dreaded conversation.

  "Nathan, Im going over to him. "