“Tanya, it's okay to be scared,” Louisa said, attempting to assure her.
#x201C;I know, but I'm petrified because when I go back to Chicago on Sunday I have not just one, but numerous decisions to make.” She balled the tissue in her fist. “Chris, that's my boyfriend, has always been there for me. It's too complicated, it's too much. And on top of that I want to stay, but I can't.” Tanya inhaled awkwardly then continued. “It's just like you were saying, Elise, sometimes you have to make decisions that empower you. But I'm scared. I can't believe that I'm admitting it, but I am.”
Catara, who was sitting by Tanya, said, “The thing about facing huge problems or obstacles is that they're never as big as they seem. Plus, you're stronger than you think.”
Tanya eyed Catara, “Believe me, I haven't begun to scrape the surface. My problems are large and complicated. But you wouldn't be able to understand the place I grew up in or the people I grew up around,” Tanya replied.
“Maybe not, but a problem is a problem, no matter where you're from. Living with being overweight for several years has been only one of my many problems,” Catara said. “But the problem is not what's important; really, it's how you overcome it that counts.”
Y FAMILY IS close-knit, protective. I have always loved fashion design, but my parents wanted me to get a practical degree that would ensure employment for me after graduation. So instead of going away to fashion-design school, I went to Indiana University and got my degree in marketing.
I graduated and had no problem getting a job in Indianapolis. Initially, I was cool with my job. I got my own apartment. Got a brand-new car. I was feeling good about life. But the longer I stayed, the more I longed to go to fashion-design school. The more I got involved with the duties of my position and climbing the corporate ladder, the more I imagined myself with a sketchbook in my hands.
Instead of following my dreams, I started chasing a corner office with a view, a title, respect. It got so bad that I even started coming up with schemes to be noticed around the office, like making sure I arrived earlier and left later than my boss, even when it wasn't necessary.
I didn't even like my job or who I'd become. I had closed myself off from anything that was creative. I purchased the book Think and Grow Rich, and that was the only reading that I did. I had dehumanized myself. Nothing mattered except success.
To make a long story short, I had pushed myself so hard and closed myself off to any outlets or releases. I had a mental breakdown. Depression had been creeping up on me, but after I was passed up for that second promotion, I became overwhelmed. I couldn't eat. I couldn't get out of bed.
In my worst state, I missed two weeks of work, causing me to lose my job. I lost my apartment. I lost my car, and I had to move back in with my parents. On top of that, I put on twenty extra pounds. It was a nightmare.
I lived with my parents for three months. I had no direction. I felt like I had no purpose. I had failed. My life was bleak. All those clichés applied to me. I didn't see any hope because I knew that I didn't want to go back to my old lifestyle, but I didn't want to disappoint my family and go off to fashion-design school.
Eventually, I began temping at different companies just so I had a reason to leave the house, but I was emotionally empty. I was scared that if I went to fashion school, my parents wouldn't support me, or that I would fail. I felt like I was starting over, and that was frightening.
This continued on until one day, when I was grocery shopping with my mom. When we left the store, the sky was gray and a huge, thick dark cloud loomed above. As we were driving home, Mom said, “Looks like it's going to storm.”
“Yeah, it's gonna be a bad one too, judging from that cloud,” I agreed.
When we got into our neighborhood, two boys were walking down the street. I joked and said, “Y'all better take cover because a wreck of a storm is on its way.”
The cloud was eerie and intimidating; Mom and I watched it until we pulled up into our driveway. We got the groceries from out of the trunk and walked up to the back door.
On the railing of the patio, close to the door, were two birds. When humans get too close, what do they usually do? Fly away. Well, one of the birds took off as soon as we got close, but the other stayed in place; he didn't move at all. It was the oddest thing we'd ever experienced, so odd that my mother and I walked off the patio and around to the front of the house and went in through the front door.
When we got into the kitchen, I couldn't help but look out the window to see if the bird was still there. I tapped on the window to try to scare it away. The bird didn't budge.
“Catara, leave the bird alone,” my mom said. “Its wing is probably broken.”
I helped her put away the groceries, but my curiosity got the better of me, so I went back to the window and closely observed the bird. It was looking up at the sky.
“OKAY, ISN'T THIS supposed to be a true story?” Alecia complained.
“Here's my hand to God,” Catara said and raised her hand above her head, waving it.
THE BIRD WAS looking up at the sky in the direction of the massive cloud, moving from the left toward the house.
In my mind, I'm saying, Okay, when this storm hits, I know this bird is going to fly away. So I'm watching this bird, and the bird is standing there watching this cloud move closer and closer to the house. The closer the cloud gets, the darker the sky becomes.
I said to my mom, “You've got to see this. The bird is watching the cloud.”
So my mom comes over and sees for herself.
“Catara, you might be right. I think that bird is watching the cloud,” she says, and then goes back to preparing dinner.
I pitch in and help her, but every so often I go back to the window to check on the bird and the dreadful cloud. I notice that the bird has adjusted his position to follow the slow-moving cloud.
Now check this out. That monster of a cloud is right over the house, and instead of pouring down and causing havoc, it lets out a few sprinkles on the patio. The bird kept moving down the rail to get a look at the cloud as it moved to the right of the house. I know y'all are not going to believe me when I tell you this, but once the cloud had moved several houses to the right, the bird flew away.
CATARA PAUSED FOR a reaction.
“So what's the big deal about that? I've seen stranger things happen,” Tanya said.
Lashawnda looked at Catara like she was a mental case.
“Well, the question I drew was, 'What one thing influenced or changed your life?' ”
“So a bird looking at a cloud changed your life,” Tanya said, frustrated. She was in the middle of a crisis, and this crazy woman was talking about a damned bird.
IT SEEMED SIMPLE that night, but after I slept on it, I awoke extra-early the next morning because it came to me. My experience with the bird and the cloud made perfect sense. You see, I was like a typical bird, scared of living life, scared to face anything that was different.
Do you ever see birds around when it's raining? No! Do you ever see birds around people? No! They take cover and hide their faces. That's exactly what I had been doing. I was hiding from life, hiding from the possibility of failure. I was hiding from the possibility of disappointing my family and from seeking out a more fulfilling life.
The first bird that flew away the moment we walked on the patio had no idea we wouldn't hurt it, but it didn't stay around to find out. Just like me, refusing to face my fears and pursue the dreams so close to my heart. I had no idea what possibilities lay ahead for me.
But the second bird stepped out of its comfort zone, faced my mom and me and what threatened to be a horrific storm. It stared that cloud in the face and didn't hide from us. It stood firm, only to realize that that cloud was harmless and so were we.
I'm telling you, that bizarre occurrence with the bird was exactly what I needed at that time in my life to find the courage to take control of my situation. I soon began to take action, and even as frightened or intimidated as I was, I applied t
o FIDM, a fashion-design school in Los Angeles. And I got accepted. Then I packed up and moved to L.A., even though my family didn't support me wholeheartedly—they were scared too.
I completed my master's and then turned around and moved to New York to pursue my career.
“SO, HAVE YOU been successful?” Alecia asked.
“Well, not in the way that you might consider success. But yes, I am successful. I am pursuing my dreams. I'm no longer obsessed with clawing my way to the top immediately. I work around fashion on a daily basis at Saks. I am enjoying the twists and turns and peaks and dips that come with pursuing my dream. I have created several clothing lines, although they're not on the market yet. Now I have the tools to create fashions, when before I only longed to learn how. I haven't cracked the door open yet to work under a designer, but I am pursuing it every day. Every time I get scared and want to give up, I think of the courage of that little bird on my mother's patio.”
“That's sweet,” Elise said. “You seeing that bird was like a miracle.”
“Yeah, it was,” Catara said. “I'm glad I told the story, for myself, because I have to remember to apply that same amount of courage to dealing with life being overweight. I have to break out of my shell again and stop doubting that I can be in a relationship or doubting that I'm beautiful because I'm a big girl.”
“I know it's not an easy thing to do,” Louisa said. “I have to be honest—after reading the passion behind your letter, I knew you were going to be cool people. The thought of you being overweight never crossed my mind. Now that I've met you and am getting to know you, I like you. I admire your drive.”
“Thank you,” Catara said. Louisa's words meant a lot to her, especially because they were coming from a woman Catara admired.
“Honey, the man who finds you will be lucky,” Louisa said.
“Yeah, he will,” Catara said, trying to find motivation in her words. Then she turned to Tanya, who was looking away. “We wouldn't be human if we didn't have problems and ridiculous obstacles to face.”
Tanya didn't respond.
“Nobody changes overnight. With all the dieting I've attempted, I know that better than most, but I hope that as I use my bird story to face each day, you'll use it too, or whatever it takes, to confront whatever you'll be met with when you go back home.”
Tanya gazed out the window. She didn't say a word, but she appreciated Catara's story and her concern. She wasn't sure if it would help her own life in any way, but she appreciated it.
T AN PULLED UP in front of the day spa. “I got my girlfriend a gift certificate to come here for her birthday last year. You ladies are in for a treat. After her visit, she raved for months.”
“Are you still with her?” Lashawnda asked as she stepped out of the limousine.
“You better believe it. I'm going to ask her to marry me this Christmas,” Stan announced proudly.
They congratulated him.
“As usual, give me a page when you're ready,” he said.
“Of course we will,” Louisa replied, and followed the ladies inside.
They entered the spa and took seats. A middle-age woman approached them and greeted them. “Welcome, ladies, and congratulations on winning the Night Before Thirty contest. In addition to the treatment you'll receive here tonight, we have gift bags filled with some of our best-selling products.”
“Thank you,” Catara said.
“No, thank you. This contest has sparked so much conversation around here about our own thirtieth birthdays. I tell you, I expected to know it all when I turned thirty, but I got there and realized I had a whole new set of lessons to learn.” She laughed. “But the beauty of age is that it brings wisdom. Embrace your life, ladies, and the lessons that it brings with it! If you ignore the lessons, it'll come to you in a different form, but if you pay attention and learn it the first time, you don't have to repeat it again—and you're open to new and deeper truths.”
The women nodded.
“At any rate, follow me to the back. And as we walk, please let me know what you would like to drink. We have bottled water, freshly squeezed orange juice, and wine.”
Everyone gave her order, and the lady escorted them to a dressing area. “Please change into the robes laid out for each of you, and I will return with your drinks. As you can see, we have light snacks prepared for your enjoyment. Please help yourselves.”
As the women set their things aside and changed into their spa robes, they made small talk. They all seemed comfortable getting undressed around one another, except for Catara, who kept her back to the rest of the women so they wouldn't see her stomach. Even though she spoke so passionately about accepting her weight in the car, she still wasn't quite ready to expose her body to the women.
Once they were changed, the ladies checked out the earthy, warm room. There were plush, oversize tawny sofas surrounding a coffee table with burning sandlewood-scented candles. Magazines and books were on the end tables. The walls were a warm chestnut, and the artwork and greenery were well integrated, creating a calm flow of energy.
Each woman found a comfortable seat and soaked in the classical music that was flowing lightly through the room. They enjoyed the soothing party, pleasing to their senses: sight, sound, touch, and smell.
Their hostess returned with their drinks on a tray and passed them out. “We're going to separate you out. The staff will come in and call you for your treatment, and in between you can come back in here and lounge and snack until your next service.”
“I've never been to a spa before, unless you count those storefront nail shops a spa,” Tanya said.
“Not hardly,” Alecia said.
“It's not that I couldn't afford it,” Tanya said, eyeing Alecia. “I just never went. I think I'm going to have to change that. I'm enjoying this already, and we haven't even gotten started.”
“I really should go more often, but sometimes I get so busy that I don't get around to making an appointment,” Catara said.
“And that's when you need it the most, when you're busy,” Lashawnda said.
The staff members came in and picked them up for their services. Alecia and Catara left with the nail technicians, Lashawnda with the facialist, Tanya with the masseuses, Louisa and Elise with the hair stylists, and Jessica for her body scrub.
Tanya sat back on a sofa and munched on some fruit while waiting to be picked up for her next service, when Catara walked in admiring her nails.
“I got my I-cures,” she joked, borrowing Tanya's slang from earlier that day in the airport.
Tanya smiled. Then asked, “Where's Alecia? Didn't she go in with you?”
“Yeah, but she's giving the manicurist the blues. First she made her completely remove the polish the woman had just put on her toes and start all over again. Then once the lady was almost finished repolishing them, she told her she was incompetent and insisted that my manicurist finish her up.” Catara shook her head in disbelief. “Now her first manicurist is outside sneaking a smoke, and the other is trying to get Alecia's pedicure right.”
“She is a diva!”
“Louisa did warn us.”
“She did, but Alecia is outta control.”
“So how was your massage?” Catara asked.
“Girl, my mind is still in that room on that table. It was marvelous,” Tanya replied.
“Was the masseuse a man, and did you have to take all your clothes off?” Catara asked.
“Yes and yes. But he used towels to cover the sections that weren't being massaged.”
Tanya could see the concern in Catara's eyes.
“When I was in high school and went to the free clinic to get my pap smears, there was a poster on the wall above the table. It had a smiling monkey on it and read, 'Grin and bare it.' Do that when you undress.”
“Okay, I'll try that.”
“The masseuse is very professional. Plus, you'll be lying on your stomach. If he's checking out the goods, you'll never know. Then before you know it, h
is magic fingers will be feeling so good that you won't care if he's looking, as long as he continues to release that stress from your muscles.”
Catara laughed.
“I'm telling you, girl, if I would've been on that table any longer I would have cried like a baby. It was just that good.”
“If it's like that, he'd better hurry up and come and pick me up.” Catara got up and put a few pieces of fruit on her plate.
Over the next three to four hours, the ladies indulged in their pamper party and met at the hors d'oeuvres table between rotating treatments.
Alecia was pleased with everything except her session with the manicurist. Catara loved her I-cures. Elise wanted to take the stylist back to Louisville with her just to do her hair every day. Lashawnda went on about her facial, while Tanya raved all night about her massage. Jessica and Louisa's favorites were the body scrub. Jessica went on about how her body never glistened or shined so before now.
At the end of their time at the spa, the entire staff wished them well and sent them away with nice gift bags filled with a body wash and sponge, lotion, foot cream, and a scented candle. The birthday girls walked away breathing deeper and stepping lighter. Yet they didn't allow themselves to get too relaxed. They knew there was still more to come.
TAN PULLED UP to the Royal Palm Crowne Plaza Resort Hotel.
“Nice,” Lashawnda said.
“The beach is right behind the hotel,” Stan informed them.
“I hope we get a good view from our room,” Elise said.
“You're going to love the view,” Louisa replied. “Jessica and I already went up to check the suites out.”
A guy from the bell stand immediately approached the car and opened the doors. “Welcome to the Royal Palm Crowne Plaza Resort,” he said.
Once they stepped into the lobby, their energy level increased. The hotel reflected the art deco look common to South Beach. The lighting and the carefree feel of the people walking through were contagious. Once they got near the front desk, they were welcomed with warm greetings and met by the hotel manager.
The Night Before Thirty Page 16
