The Tip of My Tongue
Page 4
I can’t reach the glasses on the high shelf so I put the water in a mug. When I pass it to her I think she’s going to hold it up for him to take a drink of, but she just looks inside it and then throws it quick – dash, like that – over his face and all over the chair and everything.
Don’t you ever go drinking with my daughter in tow! she says, And never bring that cheating scumbag back here again! Do you hear me?
And she goes straight upstairs.
I don’t know who to go to first but I just check that my dad hasn’t drowned or anything because Miss Lintel at school said you can drown in an inch of water when we were on a school trip to Roath Park lake and Jackie nearly fell in off the side. He’s smiling and starting to snore. There’s a bit of pink spit at the corner of his mouth but when I get near to wipe it off his breath stinks so I decide it’s probably best to leave it heal in its own good time, and go and check on my mother.
Six
Once upon a time in a little town in Wales, there lived a princess called Nettle.
Why isn’t she called Enid like normal? I say, but my mother goes,
You asked for a story, Enid, so trap it and listen for once... and Nettle was a very sad little princess because even though she lived in the most beautiful forest, surrounded by other princesses with gorgeous faces and hair like Brigitte Bardot, she wasn’t as pretty, and didn’t have big showy flowers like all the rest of them.
I asked for a poem, I say, Not a stupid story. I’m too old for stories.
Are you too old for a smack n’all? This isn’t just any old story, Enid. This is a parable.
Like the Good Samaritan, I go, Because we’ve already done that one at Sunday School.
Yes, but not that one. You haven’t heard this one, okay? Now shut up. All day long Nettle was surrounded by these other princesses in the beautiful forest. There was Princess Anemone with her fabulous blue coat and frilly tiara, and Princess Hawthorn with her white wedding dress on, and Queen Anne in her lace gown, and they were all loved by everyone in the town, because people came from far and wide to walk in the beautiful forest and admire the loveliness and the tranquillity of it, and to eat in the local restaurant and drink in the pub and buy stuff from the gift shops on the high street.
The tourists weren’t allowed to pick the wild flowers but some naughty ones did, they picked lots of different ones, but never little Nettle, no one ever picked her. And whenever the town people wanted some free flowers for their living room, like the farmer’s wife or the carpenter’s daughter, they always picked Buttercup or Meadowsweet, or any of the other flowers in the forest, but they never picked Nettle either.
People came from other towns and villages to pick Bluebell or Violet when no one was around to stop them, but they took one look at Nettle and went, Oh no, don’t pick her.
I’m starting to feel a bit grumpy about Nettle never getting picked for anything. Fat Karen at school never gets picked for anything when we do games because she’s fat, but she’s really good at throwing and catching all the same so somebody really should pick her, especially for rounders. I want to point this out to my mother, but she’s well into her story.
One day a new lady came into the forest. Her name was Lady Muck and she had come down from London with her husband Lord Muck, who had bought the manor and the forest and everything else. Lady Muck didn’t know anything about plants or anything, and she saw little Nettle was wearing her best flowers, so after she picked Daisy and Marigold and Iris, she started to pick Nettle. Oh no, she cried, What’s happened to me? And she ran away home to her husband Lord Muck, and told him how Nettle had attacked her and made her feel terrible pain all over.
What happened? I say, because now that Nettle is having a revenge I’m very interested.
Ssh. Anyway, Lord Muck was so cross, he ordered all his guardsmen to go into the forest and kill Nettle so that his Lady would never be injured again. And the men went with their huge scythes – yes, Enid, like the one the Grim Reaper’s got – and they found Nettle and they chopped and chopped and chopped her right down to the ground. The people in the town all stood outside their houses because they could see the sunlight flashing off the guardsmen’s blades and it looked like the sky was crying silvery tears, and they could hear the swish, swish as their scythes cut through poor Nettle’s body and it sounded like the wind was wailing in sorrow. And all because one silly Lady from London thought it would be nice if she picked Nettle for her flower arrangement.
Is that the end? I say. My mother is looking at her hands in a very sad way, and I’m feeling very sad too and sorry for poor Nettle. Then she goes, Hang on, and shifts herself up the bed a bit.
Then night came, and the forest went dark, and all the animals started to come out of their homes. And when they saw the devastation and the terrible punishment inflicted on Nettle, they were horrified. The rabbit called an emergency general meeting and when all the animals were assembled in the fallen tree circle – the fox and the mole and the deer and the vole and the owl etc; he said, Look, Nettle used to hide my secret burrow and now the Poacher can see it! And the fox said, Me too! The dogs will find me easily. And the vole said, Me too! She always protected us from harm! Only the owl said nothing, because he could see that Nettle was no longer there to hide the field mouse, who he looked at with hungry eyes.
What shall we do? said the mole. Any ideas? said the rat, and then in one little corner of the forest a teeny tiny voice could be heard. It was a bee, late getting home.
I haven’t been able to collect enough food for my children, it said, We will all starve! I suggest we go on strike.
And the motion was carried unanimously. Next day, the news spread. The butterflies went elsewhere for their groceries and the fox left his lair for a safer place and the owl had to go hunting over the hill because all the tiny animals had quit. And over time the lovely forest became an empty and ghostly place, with no birdsong and no butterflies or bees, and because there was no wildlife left, the following spring, there were no blossoms on the trees and no flowers in the field. And word got round that the forest was rubbish, there was nothing to see except the bare branches of the trees and empty cans all over the floor from when the local boys would have a session, so the tourists stopped coming and then the pub closed down and the restaurant became a charity shop and the gift shops started selling hamburgers and doughnuts to make a living. The end.
The end? Mam? What about Nettle’s revenge? I say, because everyone knows you can’t end a story just like that, especially not a parable anyway.
Oh. Okay. Then one day, the Lady heard about the Dead Forest as it was now known, and so she went to see for herself. And it was true, the forest was a very sad and barren place. Except in one far corner down a steep bank where the guardsmen couldn’t reach, and there the Lady found Nettle, all on her own.
What have I done, the Lady said, Where are all the beautiful flowers and the birds and bees etc, and Nettle, who had had plenty of time to think about giving the Lady a piece of her mind, said: Lady Muck, do not dismiss the Nettle in the forest. I may not be the most beautiful flower, but I am not to be messed with. You hurt yourself once when you tried to take me, but I must stay here for a reason. You had no right to send the troops in like that. I will do you no harm if you just leave me alone and let me be of benefit to the rest of Mankind.
And the Lady made her promise, and allowed Nettle to spread herself out across the rest of the forest as far as she liked. And news got round that Nettle had made it safe again and the birds and bees came back, and the flowers grew, and the rabbit and the vole and the field mouse etc, all felt a bit safer. And the tourists came back to the town, and everyone was happy again. Because everyone realised that Nettle was a smart cookie, and no one should ever mess with her. The end.
And the moral of the story is...? I ask, because that’s what Major Windley always says at the end of his parables in Sunday School.
The moral is, if that Geraint starts to pick on you,
you just tell him: he’s got no right, and you will do him no harm if he simply leaves you alone.
And lets me be of benefit to Mankind.
Exactly.
But mam, what if he doesn’t listen?
Then you punch his lights out.
Seven
Thurday 1st of july
Dear Mam and Dad
Everything here is ALL RIGHT. I was sick in the car on the way down and Uncle Horace swore when I did it again. It was only a Bl--dy but Aunty Celia said NOT in front of the child dear. It is very hot and Aunty Celia has bought me a new hat since yesterday I got sunburn by the pool. She calls it a bonnet and she put me some camolile calollile pink stuff on which made me go all white and she lets me have ice lollys when I want and choclate. My hat is made of straw and flowers round it like ann of green gables weres.
How are you? Do you like this picture? It is of the beach wear where we will go on sunday if the wether is nice. Lots of love, Enid xxxxxxx
Saterday 3rd of july
Today we will go to see Gerant at the sports day. Aunty Celia has brought me a new skirt to go and it is stripes like your bathers only orange and yellow stripes. She says to say Hello and sends her best wises. It is HOT here!!!! Is it hot home as well? How are you? I wh hope you are feeling better and I am putting loads of kisses here for you xxxxxxxxx and here for dad xxxxxxxxx. Enid xxxx
Sunday 4th of july
Dear mam and dad how are you? spots day was very fun. All the boys did running but not like when we does the sack race or wheelbarrow Event. Gerant was winner in The fives which is like tennis only diffrent. Uncle Horace says today is Independance Day so I will draw you a picture of the Merican flag when we come back from the beach. I got bit by a bee yesterday at the sportsday and Aunty Celia says that’s lucky becase they only go for Gerant normally and maybe it was my skirt all stripey like a bee aswell? It is a big bump and quite sore and Aunty celia put some of that loton on it. How are you? Can you send me some letters please? Thank you! Lots of love, Enid xxxxxxx
Ps I miss you
Monday 5th of July
me and Aunty celia went to the post office in Tivaton Tivetorn today to buy more stamps becase she had a argument with a lady in the vilage shop becase I was doing a flicky on the windmills outside in a bucket to make them go and lady said don’t touch you little tike and aunty Celia said don’t be so rude to my girl and she has bought me some water wings for the when I play in the pool she says I can only swim a bit in the little end until I am bigger. I WAS NOT drowning. Can you tell her I must swim in the big end mam? How are you? Has dad got his new teeth yet in the fornt? Is your belly better? Please write to me. Lots of love, Enid xxxxxx
Thurday 8th of july
thank you for my lovely presant. It is fab. Ladybirds are my best insect. Aunty celia says I am to young to were earings but I am going to were them in bed when she cant see. Uncle Horace is bringinging Gerant home from school today and I cant go with them because they going in The Motor. Mr lock who cleans the pool up is coming round and he has got a mostash mostach like dad and he has got a beerd and he has got a fat belly and. Can we have a padling pool when I come home? Please write to me. Lots and lots of LOVE, Enid xxxxxx
Sunday 11th july
uncle Horace says I should be a writer when I grows up as I am always writing to you! Gerant says I can Not spell and he will teach me and I told him what you told to Miss Lintel that day when you said that spelling is for fashits and he goes How dare you! I am not a nasty! It was very funny see his face. Aunty celia says I can have a Fountin Pen for Christmas and some Basildon Bond which is paper. Can you tell her I would like a Jackie album as well and a dog? How are you? How is your
Please write to me, Lots and lots of love FOR EVER. Enid XXXXXXXXXXXX
Tuesday 13th july
Dear mam and dad
Aunty Celia says the post is stuck and that’s why yor letters are not here. She says they may be stuck in the big office waiting to come and Gerant has got stung by netle! (Not ME!!!! a real one!) and he threw the ball in next doors garden and shows me the secet passage but he got stung by netles! I did not laugh at him. Aunty Celia give him some calilime loton like I had. She says it is a Cure All. I said does uncle Horace put it on his nose becase it is really red and she goes ssh it’s not nice to say things about people. Shall I get Aunty celia to send some calimile for your belly? How are you? Here are some kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Enid
ps I have lost one earing but aunty celia said never mind it’s the unlucky 13 and she will get me some more.
Wensday 14th july
Dear mam and Dad,
it is very hot again. Gerant says it is hot as venus. Which is the hotest planet. I said what about the sun and he said it is not a planet stupid and I said what is it then and he said a STAR. Tell him it is not a star mam becase a star only come out in the night. I think he is stupid.
Uncle hoarce has bought a new TV set which is like telly only bigger to be ready for the Olympics and I am only allowed to watch TV for ONE hours a day!!!! Hope you are feeling better and PLEASE don’t forget to anser this letter. Lot and lots of love.
Your daugter Enid xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx
Ps. Gerant is a spaz and a Nasty!! (Don’t tell him I said!)
Ps. I miss you mam xxxxxxxxxxxxx please anser this letter.
Eight
I want to wear my stripy skirt and my Goin’ Wishin’ t-shirt but my dad says, Enid, just wear your school skirt and blouse, there’s a love. And those new sandals your mam got you off the market.
He’s going to wear a suit he borrowed off Errol. It’s crimpled like all Errol’s clothes because Jeanette still won’t forgive him. My dad plugs the iron behind the sideboard and moves the telly over a bit to the end and irons the trousers on top of the sideboard and then goes Fucking hell! when he sees the varnish all stuck on the back of the leg. He puts the jacket on and says, Enid, what do I look like from the back? and I say, Really Brill! like that, so he won’t worry about it. He has not had his tooth fixed, so people will probably look at that anyway and won’t even notice the stuff on his trousers.
Uncle Horace didn’t drive me back home in The Motor but made Geraint come with me on the train. Geraint knows everything about trains. My dad was waiting for me on the platform at Cardiff and when he saw me he ran up and gave me all massive kisses and a cuddle and he gave Geraint a fiver. Then Geraint went straight back to Devon again. He says he likes trains, it’s the only way to travel.
Uncle Horace and Aunty Celia and Geraint will be arriving any minute. My dad keeps looking at his watch and under the nets at the front window and taking swigs out of the bottle. Then he’s looking under the nets again and he says, Here we go, and I think it must be Uncle Horace in the Rover but it’s not, it’s another car, a long black one with a box inside it, all covered in flowers.
Nine
My dad and Uncle Horace go out the back to shout at each other in private because our house is packed with loads of people. Mrs Mickey must have come home from Australia especially because she’s here having a sherry and looking very interested in our yucca plant. Errol is here too in all white clothes.
When my dad first saw him, he said, Mate, what the hell is all that about?
And Errol said, I have become a Disciple of Yogi Bhajan. Travel light, live light, spread the light.
And my dad said, Go spread yourself back home and show some respect, mun, put a flaming suit on.
Then Errol pointed at my dad and said, No offence, but you’re wearing it.
Danny and Terence and Michael are here too. Michael gives me a fiver and says, Don’t tell your dad.
I Do a Recce and see he’s not wearing his wedding ring but then I remember that there’s no one to tell it to, so I go, Thank you, and put the money in the tin on the sideboard where my mother keeps the family allowance.
Aunty Celia brings me some orange squash from the table.
Why’s dad and Uncle Horace shouting? I say
, and she goes, Never you mind, sweetheart, they’re not really, they’re just having a grown-up discussion. Look what I’ve got.
And she opens her purse and takes out the earring my mother sent me that I lost down in Devon. I don’t know why but I think they were bigger in Devon. The Ladybird in my hand looks like just a normal size one nearly.
You’ve still got the other one, have you? she asks, and I nod but I feel a terrible feeling, because I don’t know where it’s gone. Looking at the ladybird makes all the spit go from my mouth and it’s hard to swallow. Geraint comes over and sits on the chair next to us and says,
Mother, may I have a sandwich please?
Aunty Celia sees Mrs Mickey looking at her with a purse mouth and her face goes red and she says, Of course you can, Geraint. No need to ask permission, you silly boy!
Geraint’s arms are too long for his suit and he is wearing a massive watch that says twenty past two o’clock.
What have you got there? he goes, pointing his finger at my earring.
It’s my earring, I say.
I don’t say, You silly boy, even though I want to. I show him my earring and he goes, Ah, a ladybird. Ladybird, ladybird, but then he stops because he can’t remember what comes next.
Did you know that the ladybird is really a beetle? he says, but Aunty Celia goes, Not now, Geraint, so he mooches off to get a sandwich but then she calls him back straight away.
Geraint, she says, and he goes, Oh! Sorry, and says to me, Enid, would you like a sandwich too?
I don’t want a sandwich. I don’t like fishy stuff in sandwiches, or at any time, only piccalilli and cheese or piccalilli on its own. I think I should go and ask my mother if she can make me a piccalilli one but then I remember and the horrible feeling rushes right into me again. It goes whoosh! like that. Like when I didn’t drown in Uncle Horace’s pool but I got over to the side and bit my front teeth really hard on the steps getting out, and after I banged my toe on the onyx ashtray and when the bee got me on sports day. It’s like all those all piled up on my head.