Bad Wolf

by Jo Raven

She jumps, her blue eyes going round. “Jesse.”

  Not JJ.

  “I’ve been calling you and texting you.” I bite back the bitterness and paste on a smile. “How have you been?”

  “I…” She glances at the street, as if hoping the bus will arrive soon and save her from this conversation. “I don’t want to talk right now.”

  I clench my jaw. My hands are balled into fists and shaking. “Embers, about what happened at the wedding reception—”

  “I said I don’t want to talk.” She takes a step away from me. Scared of me, dammit.

  “She came on to me, Embers. I tried pushing her away.”

  “Don’t call me that. Don’t call me Embers. It’s not my name.”

  Like a physical blow, her words knock the air out of my lungs. “Don’t do this, Em— Amber.” I wince. It doesn’t feel right, calling her anything but Embers.

  “When you were late picking me up that night…” She isn’t looking at me. Her hand is white-knuckled on the handle of her purse. “Were you with another girl? With Cassie?”

  The fuck? “No, I wasn’t. You want the truth? I went to testify against the guy who cut me up all those years ago. The one I told you about.”

  Her eyes skip to my tattooed arm, then back to the street. “Why would you do that after all this time?”

  “Because he’s been beating my friends up.” And because you gave me strength. “It’s a turf war, or drug war. I don’t know, and I don’t care. I only want him behind fucking bars.”

  She flinches, and I sigh, not sure what to do.

  “I wouldn’t cheat on you. I don’t want Cassie.” I shove my hands into my pockets. “Hell, I don’t want any other girl but you. Don’t you get it?”

  There. My fucking heart laid out on the chopping board. Fuck caution. Fuck not opening up.

  “Get it? Get what?” she whispers, and her eyes look damp. “Come on, Jesse, what are the chances of Cassie falling on your mouth all on her own? Tell me.”

  Her lips tremble, and I feel like an asshole, even if this isn’t my fault.

  “She’s been trying to get me to sleep with her for a while. She came on to me. And she did it on purpose.”

  “How can I believe you?”

  “Why shouldn’t you believe me?” I feel ice coming into my voice. I wish it could fill my veins, dull my senses. “Why the hell not?”

  “I have to go.” Her bus is arriving, and she’s already moving forward. Leaving me.

  “I didn’t kiss her, Embers.” To hell with that. She’s Embers to me. Only to me. “I’d never kiss any girl but you.”

  “Goodbye,” she whispers, gets on the bus and goes.

  I stomp away, not even knowing where I’m going, shaking all over. I fucked up. I don’t know how, but it’s my fault yet again.

  What did I do wrong? I haven’t as much as glanced at another girl. Other girls hold no interest for me anymore.

  I thought when she stopped snapping at me and calling me names, when she kissed me back and held me, that I’d turn tail and run. So why isn’t it happening? Why do I want her more than ever?

  I need her. I miss her. I fucking love her.

  Love her. The realization hits me and I bend over for a second. Fuck. When they say you fall in love, I never thought it really felt that way, like falling. Like crashing from up high.

  I blink dazedly at the busy street. I love Amber. Shouldn’t it feel more like flying? Where are the rainbows and shooting stars? Why does it hurt so much?

  I’d give my soul to be with her. In fact, I think I already have.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Amber

  He’s holding me in his arms, kissing me. His skin is silky soft where we touch, muscles shifting and bulging as he rolls me under him, his warm lips moving from my mouth to my jaw, trailing hot kisses down my neck. Between my legs, his hard-on is an insistent pressure that sends fire to my core.

  “Embers…” he whispers, his hips rocking, and he slides into me. “Need you, Embers…”

  I need you, too, I want to say, but I can’t speak. Not when he’s sinking into me, a delicious burn and stretch, his hot length sliding deep, filling me up. Need you.

  Love you, JJ.

  I want to cry, because something’s wrong. He can’t be here. He’s not here. I can’t let him in again, can’t hold him inside me, or in my arms, because…

  “Kitten.” He’s moving faster, panting, his strong body sliding against mine, his cock fucking me fast and hard.

  Until I come apart, writhing on the bed, waves of pleasure crashing over me, drowning me. I can’t breathe, my nose clogged and my eyes running.

  I’m crying. Have been for a while. I wake up in my bed, alone, still shaking from my release.

  Crap, it was a dream. He wasn’t here. And when memory returns—the image of him and Cassie kissing at the wedding reception—I swallow a sob.

  I knew it would come, but now it happened I can hardly believe it. Never knew a broken heart could hurt so much. At least he stopped calling and texting every day.

  How can I trust him again? It took me so much effort to unlock myself, to believe he wants me, to believe we might have something between us.

  And he kissed a girl the moment I turned my back.

  But against my better judgment, I want to trust him. God, I miss him so much it’s suffocating me, killing me. I miss his faint, real smile and his teasing grin, I miss the look of concentration on his face when I teach him to cook, the way he kisses me like he can never get enough. The way he opened up to me about his past, the way he drew my image, lower lip tucked under his teeth, his eyes hot on me.

  I miss the way he held me, the way he teased me, the way he sat with me and shopped with me. The way he made love to me and shook me to my core like no one else before. He treated me as someone strong and whole, not someone broken.

  If only he saw me now…

  Hugging my pillow, I let the tears flow.

  “We should start drinking Turkish coffee,” Kayla announces, sliding into the chair across from me in our brightly lit kitchen.

  I rub at my eyes. I know they’re red and swollen, like on most mornings these days. “Why would we want to do that?”

  “To tell our fortune. Nothing better than Turkish coffee, because you boil the coffee with the water and just pour it into your cup without a filter. Then,” she sticks her tongue out to me when I make a face, “you let the coffee powder settle, drink the coffee, and upturn the cup in its saucer. It leaves streaks and symbols you can read. I saw it on TV the other day.”

  Her blond-streaked hair is caught up in two pigtails. Her pajama shorts are fuchsia and her tank top green.

  My eyes really hurt now.

  “What happened to good old palmistry?”

  “Passé.” She waves a hand at me dismissively and grins. “We need new methods. Vosprung durch Technik.”

  “Isn’t that the ad for a car?”

  “Amber.” She sighs. “Advancement through technology. That’s what it means.”

  “And Turkish coffee counts as technology, I assume?” I roll my eyes at her.

  “You assume correctly.” She grabs my cup before I manage to take a second sip. “But meanwhile we make do.”

  “Hey!” I reach for my cup, my very filtered coffee sloshing. “I’m not done.”

  “I’ll help you.” She gulps down the rest. “Our fates are intertwined anyway, what with living in this apartment together and whatnot.”

  “Christ, Kay. You’ve been watching too much TV.”

  “You can never watch too much TV,” she intones and studies the inside of the cup. “Ah-huh. I knew it.”

  “I’ve had enough.” I get up, tugging down my blouse over my boy shorts, and turn to go.

  “You love him.”

  I freeze on the spot by the kitchen door. “Say again?”

  “Jesse Lee. You’ve gone and fallen in love with him, despite all my warnings.”

  I turn slowly towa
rd her. “Shut up, Kay.” I sit back down, my vision blurring. Awesome. And here I thought I had no more tears to shed. “I’m not in love with him.”

  “Not what the cup tells me.” If she’s noticed my tears, she doesn’t give any signs. She turns the cup in her hands slowly. “Here is the heart, and it’s a double one. Man, I really wish we had Turkish coffee, this filtered stuff is crap for reading fortunes.”

  I laugh, choking on tears. “Whatever.”

  “It’s fuzzy. Not easy to work with. I mean, look here.” She points with her little finger at a smudge inside the cup. “See that? I can’t be sure, but it looks like a cat.”

  “A cat.” This is stupid, but it’s a good distraction. “Really.”

  “Yeah. See the tail? And I think…” She gasps. “No, it’s not a cat. It’s a lion.”

  My turn to gasp. That’s a funny coincidence. I think again at the pendant I wanted to give Jesse, still tucked inside my purse—the stone lion I carved.

  “No idea what a lion means,” she muses, frowning, twirling one pigtail around a finger. “Anyway. I also see a conflict. A collision. See here, this explosion thingy. You will collide with something from your past. And here… I see flowers. Roses, most probably.”

  “Most probably?” I arch my brows, suspicious. “What are you up to, girl?”

  “Me?” She does a terrible show of innocence, fluttering her lashes, widening her eyes and pressing her hand to her chest. “How low you think of me.”

  “And enough of historical series, or whatever it is you’re watching.” I finally gather myself together and stalk out of the kitchen, thinking to grab a shower and do something productive for a change. Take my mind off things.

  Off him.

  “The flowers are already here!” she yells after me. “They arrived earlier this morning, and I had nothing to do with them.” A pause while I turn back around. “But I did see them in the cup. Oh ye of little faith.”

  “Who would send me roses?” I grumble as I trail after Kayla into the living room.

  “Jesse Lee?”

  “No. Jesse has trouble shopping.”

  “Seriously? He doesn’t have to go out and buy the flowers himself, only call and give his credit card number.”

  But he said he doesn’t have a bank account. He said he keeps his money in his room.

  “And they’re white roses,” she says, lifting the bouquet from the sofa. “Who’d buy you white roses?”

  My hands tremble as I grab the small envelope stuck on the bouquet and tear it open. I withdraw the small white card.

  “Embers,” it reads in scratchy, crooked handwriting that I doubt belongs to the florist’s employee. “You’re the only girl I’d ever kiss.”

  Holy crap. It’s from him. Which means he went out and shopped… Which means he wrote this note.

  Which means he remembered what I told him at the wedding.

  My head hurts.

  “Are they from him, then?” Kayla appears behind me, and I yelp and manage not to drop the roses in the last moment. “Jesse?”

  “Yes.” I hand them to her, not sure what I want to do with them. With his note. His gesture.

  “Well, see? I told you. Double hearts.” She smells the roses. “I guess we should expect snow.”

  “It’s summer, Kay. Frigging warm, too.”

  “Yes, but Jesse Lee sent a girl roses.” She winks. “Today’s date should be engraved in stone for future generations.”

  I shake my head, suddenly pissed with this charade. “He kissed a girl right in front of me. Some stupid roses won’t make me forgive him.”

  “Twelve roses.” She waves the bouquet at me, as if I didn’t notice it. “White. Beautiful roses.”

  Huffing, I plop onto the couch. I’m pissed, but okay, I’m also a tiny bit in awe of the roses. Never received flowers from a boy before, and I’m slightly giddy.

  A pity I hate him right now. He disgusts me. He sucks.

  Oh God, I’m going to start bawling again. No way. I pull my laptop toward me, log in, absently check the updates of my Chicago friends. “You were right. I should never have slept with him. I was being stupid.”

  “He’s hot. Told you I would’ve slept with him in a heartbeat.” She sinks on the sofa next to me. “The trick is not to fall in love.”

  Yeah. Piece of cake. I click on my inbox to check my emails. I do that every morning, a habit I picked up a year ago because of assignments.

  “You’ve never fallen in love, then?” I scroll down. “Ever?”

  “Of course not. Love is too much work.”

  I glance at the roses, left by Kayla on the low coffee table. “Gifts are a sign of a guilty conscience, right?”

  “The only signs I know are star signs. Besides, Micah gives Ev gifts all the time, and I don’t think he’s feeling guilty for leaving hickeys on her neck. I think… Hey!” She suddenly picks the laptop off my lap and stares at it. “Did you see that?”

  “No, because you took my laptop away. See what, Kay?”

  “Customers! You got customers!”

  “What?” We wrestle for the laptop and I win. I settle it back in my lap and check out the emails.

  Customers. She’s right. People who want to order my jewelry. And not just my friends from Chicago. Unknown people. People whose names I’ve never heard of before.

  Whoa. Unbelievable.

  The bracelets seem to be a success. The earrings, too.

  Holy crap. I stare at the emails, Kayla squealing beside me like a piglet, and all I can see in my mind’s eye is the pendant I wanted to give Jesse.

  Why not? No matter what, despite my anger and misery, I want him to be okay, and if that pendant helps him fight his demons…

  Damn. If I make money from my jewelry, and maybe return to college and study art, then I’ll have achieved my goal. This is what I came here for, to make it work, make my dreams come true and to stand on my own two feet.

  Talking of dreams… A hot flush travels up my neck. No, I won’t think of dreams of Jesse right now, or the half-formed dreams I had of being with him.

  I’m here. The older me would have turned and run. Run back to Chicago and my parents, the new-found safety, the cocoon they built around me.

  Don’t get me wrong. I honestly believe they saved my life by moving away. My thoughts were very dark back then, and I wouldn’t trust myself not to harm myself. There had been moments life had held no meaning. Wasn’t worth living.

  But they pulled me out of it—took me far from the bullies, found me a good therapist, kept watch over me. Kept me sane, kept me alive.

  And if falling for Jesse was like tumbling down the rapids with no life vest on, and if hitting the rocks hurt, that only means I’ve let go of the life line, and I’m paddling now on my own. Life can hurt. But unless you let go, you can’t really live it.

  I won’t regret my time with Jesse.

  God, thinking of him in the past tense hurts too much, so instead I click open the page of the University of Madison and check to see what I need to do for my transfer.

  When I walk out of the building around midday to meet with Ev for lunch, I feel a prickling sensation on the back of my neck and turn around quickly.

  A guy is heading my way. Crap, he looks like Nick, only bigger than I remember him.

  This can’t be happening. It can’t be Nick. Can’t be.

  Yet, without any conscious thinking on my part, I start to run. My purse flapping at my side, I race across the street, cars honking at me, and dive into a busy side street.

  “Amber!” I hear a man’s voice yelling behind me, and I run faster. “Wait!”

  Oh my God. Oh God. He even sounds like Nick. The voice from my nightmares.

  I duck into a shop and hide behind the door, like a prop from a cheap movie, the lady behind the register opening her mouth to say something.

  I put a finger to my lips and give her an imploring look.

  She frowns at me.

  A guy comes pou
nding down the street, then he slows down to a stop and looks around. “Amber.”

  Good God, it is Nick. It’s really him, or else a clone. Yes, he is taller and broader than I remember—but the face is the same.

  My stomach drops to my shoes. Ice trickles into my bones. I back away, into the store, hiding between the shelves, trying to control the shivers. I half expect him to stroll inside, shove me down on my ass and invite his friends to laugh at me.

  This is hell. Nausea rises in my throat. I think I’m going to be sick, and I drop to my knees and curl into the smallest ball possible, trying to fade into nothing.

  I’m still hiding a good while later when the cashier comes to talk to me.

  “What’s wrong? Should I call the cops?” She’s not that old, only the crease between her brows and some gray hairs at her temples indicating she isn’t my age. “I hope this isn’t some prank you’re playing in my shop.”

  “Not a prank,” I assure her. “The man outside who was yelling me name—is he gone?”

  “Your name? Amber?”

  I nod, sweat rolling down my back.

  “He’s gone.” She shakes her head as she returns to her place behind the counter, and I’m sure she still thinks it’s a stupid prank.

  I don’t care. I thank her and step out, feeling cold in spite of the sunny day.

  Ev is waiting for me at a diner she discovered tucked into a tiny alley. She waves at me and I go to join her at the back. Sliding into my vinyl seat, I do my best to smile and forget what happened.

  Still don’t understand how Nick found me. What he wants from me.

  I shiver and grab the plastic menu to cover it. “What are you having?”

  “The burgers are divine.” She’s checking her phone, distracted. “And the onion rings.”

  “Perfect. I’ll have the same.” I throw the menu back on the table, the thought of food making me queasy. “So how have you been?”

  Ev isn’t fooled one bit by my performance, though. The moment she looks up from her phone, her smile drops.

  “What happened now? Did you run into Jesse again?”

  I think of the white roses waiting in a vase, so delicate and beautiful. “No.” I sigh, fold my hands on the table in front of me. I’m still rattled, and at least this is something I’d talk to Ev about—in contrast to Jesse and the roses. “I ran into Nick Harris.”