Lovefool (Introduction)
Page 65
#63 ALL THE SMALL THINGS
Early in the morning, she saw him standing at the door and watching her carefully. Julian didn't say a word. He was just standing there and observed her cautiously. Mia smiled at him, but he didn't smile back. He was like a monument. In the morning light, he was really looking like one of the Rodin’s sculptures. He was caught in a moment like at photography.
-Julian. – Mia whispered. – Please, come closer.
He stayed like a rock.
- Julian, please. Come and lay down next to me. – She whispered still.
He still didn't move.
-Julian, I asked you two times, there would be no third time. It is not a trick.
There was no reaction of him.
-I know that we are both some strange beings and everything but average. I know you have your doubts and confusions. I wasn't thinking clearly for my whole life. I always doubted and stepped aside, but now, for the first time in my life, I know what to do.
Mia spoke with a kind of joy in her voice. She was still assertive and withdrawn, but she showed some kind of a new openness towards him. Julian moved his head a little and his eyebrows were raised because of such a surprisingly change.
She looked at him in a way he never saw before. She had always been very self-confident, but in a way, that made you keep your distance to her. She was like the supreme art piece that you couldn’t touch. Otherwise, it would be damaged. Now she was like an open trunk full of surprises. He wanted to get to know her better; it was his greatest wish. Cautiously he stepped closer and closer to the bed until she could easily touch him. He was just two steps away from this bed and three steps away from her.
On his face, many doubts showed. Mia looked at him friendly and smiled:
-I don’t want you to talk, I don’t want you to explain anything, just be next to me, please.
Every movement of Julian was slow and thoughtful. He came closer to the bed, and to her it seemed like watching a movie in slow motion. His face kept changing its expressions. He was unsure of what he was doing. He was full of doubts, but he came closer and closer. He laid down very carefully and for the whole time he looked her into the eyes. Julian was observing her so intensively that she almost couldn't breathe. It was strange for Mia to feel like he would take her energy out of her and accumulate it into his body.
Julian watched her very suspiciously. He was now lying next to her and didn't move. Julian was like a monument. His skin was whitish and tense. His eyes were calm, and focussed on her eyes. Mia didn't dare to move. He wasn't moving either. He wasn't breathing, he wasn't slugging down, and he wasn't closing and opening his eyes. He was looking almost as a dead person. Just his eyes betrayed him. There was something in his eyes, which was very vivid. You say that the eyes are a window to your soul. His eyes were a door to another world. There was so much life and it seemed to be almost impossible to believe it.
Mia felt Julian’s staring look. She was able to take it for a while. It was absorbing for her to see him next to her. It was fascinating to notice these all-small things, which made him so non-human. She thought about alternatives, she tried to find a solution for a question that wrapped her up so much: what was he? He didn't need air to breathe, he didn't need food to live, he was very fast and possibly, he had some other tricks up his sleeve.
After a longer while, Julian asked:
-I know what’s bothering you and I decided not to involve you in this story. I will take care of you until you’re better and then I will leave your life.
-And then I will never see you again. – Mia completed his sentence, because he wasn't able to speak up to the end. His voice was calm, rather emotionless. Mia’s voice was as well rather keeping technical than expressive.
She moved a little bit, because it was impossible to keep the same position for so long. She turned her head and looked at the ceiling. She didn't want him to look her in the eyes right now. She was very mixed up and for the first time, she fought against tears that almost showed in her eyes. Do you know the feeling when you would like to start crying and you don’t permit yourself to do it? Sometimes it works and it did this time, too: Mia bit her lips and focussed on a point at the ceiling.
It was impossible for her to understand why he was so important to her. Up to now, she had been living a boring life with many sacrifices. Her passion and only hobby, which she allowed her to have was reading. She had almost no contacts with other people. She avoided every relation with individuals she has got to know. She kept moving house every year and met many people on her way. The changes, which she experienced lately, were impossible to follow for people who knew her. In addition, among all this Julian almost made her cry.
She didn't know him at all. He wasn't even a human and her rational side advised her to run away from him. Her heart advised the complete opposite. Now she should be left for the second time. Moreover, this time it wouldn't be unexpected like it was the last time. She was deeply sad. Julian observed her still and wasn't able to follow her thoughts. It was strange and fascinating. At the same time he knew he was hurting her and himself. His voice within protested as much as it was possible, but the rational part of him accepted it. At least this way he could protect her and it wouldn't be against any rules. He could follow her invisibly and she wouldn't notice him. He would be with her for years, and this would have to be enough – even if it wouldn't be easy, rather the opposite: it would be harder than he could even imagine. He bit his lip.
-You have to sleep. You have to rest. You will stay here until you will be better. – He said with a hidden nervosity in his voice.
She didn't look at him, and closed her eyes. Mia tried to breathe easy, but there was something in her throat, which didn't allow her to do it. Her head was heavy and hot; her eyes burnt and in her throat was a ball that she couldn't swallow. She didn't feel well, but she tried not to show it. She was hungry and sick. Her whole life she was healthy and didn't get even a cold, and now she was sick and tired. Maybe it was, because she felt so alone although he was so close. Maybe it was, because he was next to her.
Mia swallowed something and she felt it was blood. It was disgusting. She hated the smell of blood, but its taste was much more sickening. Her body was causing her pain at this time. She wondered why she didn't feel it earlier. Maybe this medicine was so strong that she didn't feel anything. In addition, at this time she remembered her father talking to his patients: “you should not exaggerate with this medicine, if you feel pain, it is a sign of what’s going on with your body”.
Mia felt embarrassed. She kept her eyes so strongly closed that it hurt. She clenched her fist under the blanket and hoped Julian wouldn’t notice anything. She didn't dare to move, just because she didn't want to raise his attention. She felt his look at her face and thought he can well go on watching her. If he wanted to leave her alone, he should not get anything of her inner problems, doubts and fears. It was friendly enough of him to let her stay here, without cameras and with clean air where she could gather her strengths again. Mia didn't need any compassion or mercy. She had lived alone for so many years and she was convinced she would still be able to manage it still on her own.