by CJ Hawk
At the private airport, there were taxis waiting for all the employees. Trey and Jennifer were the last to be standing there in front of the remaining cab. He knew her desires for him were strong, but her heart was guarded, so he decided as they stood there with awkward silence that he would make it easier on her so that she didn't have to do what he was sure she was dreading. Perhaps he should fight for their relationship, yet he did not want to force it. He knew she had to work this out herself, and then he would be waiting for her when she decided that this was right. Which it was.
"Want to share a ride home?" I offered by putting off the inevitable. I was sure Trey knew something was coming. Ever since we woke up, he had been a bit reserved. I could not blame him, as I had been putting off the negative professional signals right before we boarded the plane. Maybe on the cab ride home, dropping him home first, I could find a way to broach the subject. I was stellar when it came to business, but in my romantic life, I had no idea how to start or even end a conversation like this. One that would inevitable end with me crying into my pillow all night.
As I took a deep breath and feigned a sexy smile, I knew that I could find the courage. I had to. He had his daughter and plans that obviously did not include me. I had a two-month business deal with plenty of overtime and weekends that revolved around our new client. Prez had already texted that she wanted a meeting at nine a.m. the next morning, so that we can get going on this client.
I watched Trey smile at me with honesty, but he did not get inside the cab. He opened the door for me and told me to get in. I looked at him inquisitively from within the confinement of the cab and the open door, him standing there with his hand on the door, a look of seriousness to his face, and I thought this was it. He was not getting in. He was not taking the cab home. He was going to make this easy on me by just letting me go without even talking about it, challenging me. Maybe he did not want what I knew I really wanted after all. Maybe, he just wanted to end this incredible week as a job well done on his part and the extra was just added benefit. I wanted to scream, shout, and pound his chest. Just then, the skies opened up with a heavy downpour, and I climbed inside the cab as the Taxi driver was loading my luggage into the trunk. I watched Trey slam the door, then turn to the driver and pay him something. Then the cab driver got in and asked for the address.
I answered quickly and then collapsed my arms around myself and began to pout. Internally, I was an emotional wreck. I would have cried the whole way home, but instead I felt the insides of my head begin to ache with pressure as if it wanted to explode. I felt my heart grip and release with pain. My body chilled itself, and goose bumps appeared on my arms. My throat felt tight, and I let out a cough into my hand to try to clear the pain that was gripping me.
"Sounds like you got that cold that's going around. Take a hot bath and a nice warm drink when you get home." The elderly cab driver offered. I looked up into his wrinkled eyes looking in the rearview mirror, and I offered a weak smile. At this moment, I could only hope the freeway was clear and the driver got me home as quickly as possible.
As soon as I stood naked from a hot shower, staring out of my bedroom window at the same similar storm that had been brewing when I left for Japan, I realized, I was shattered into a million pieces. Tears were streaming down my face, crying wails exited my throat as I tried to gag them back, and I had no desire to attempt the agenda I needed to have planned for the meeting in eight hours. I was no longer the woman of steel, Jennifer Everest, the woman who climbed her way to the top of this company. I was that little girl who got her heart broken by the one boy I had spent countless hours at the beach admiring. The boy who when I finally gathered up the courage to walk up to him with a teenage girl smile in my new bikini and offer my name, he never offered his name in return, only rejection and a round of laughter with his friends before grabbing their boards and heading out of the surf. Trey wasn't that boy, but if felt as if he let me go just the same.
Chapter Twelve
Trey watched the cab pull away in the rain and wondered if he had made the biggest mistake of his life by insinuating that they were done. He did not even give her a chance to break his heart. He was sure hers was by the look on her face when he did not accept her offer to share the cab and no promises of see you later were mentioned. Something stopped in him and turned cold when she did. He knew he would feel heart broken, but he just could not get in that cab with her, knowing full well it was only heading to heartache and some silly corporate notion that she can't be anything more than friends with benefits. Stepping up to break up whatever this was between him seemed like the sensible thing to do, alleviating her of the pressure to have to do it herself. However, he began to wonder, what if she had a last-minute change of heart? What if he wrapped her up in his arms, kissed her senseless would she rethink this strategy of hers?
By the time another cab arrived for him, he was soaking wet in the backseat and answering a text from Zach. Zach told him the weather forecast was to clear up in an hour or two, and the gang was all going to be meeting out at the beach for a sunset bonfire. He told him to bring Jennifer along with him. Reluctantly, Trey's text back stated that he would be there - alone. Just typing in the words, hurt as much as thinking about it.
For the first time in his life, Trey felt empty as he walked out onto the darken beach, bonfire a go, reggae music playing, sexy women laughing and guys he could relate to tossing back a beer. How could he feel empty, when this has been his life? The life that he loves. The life he could always slip right back into when he tried to step outside the box and be something more. Like he was this last week.
He's not corporate social uptight talking material, laugh at the right moment, say the right thing, don't be too political. Jennifer was fooling herself if she thought any man that had to endure that, would not want to let loose and be social in other ways. Hell, half his clientele had boyfriends who were anything but the perfect arm-mate in that kind of high-end clientele drama. Perhaps he should have reminded Jennifer that her client, Mr. Big Deal, don't' say or do anything wrong client, told him that he liked him better in surf shorts holding his board. They had joked about this being two different worlds, yet he did observe her client and his employees not being too rigid, just professional. However, when the day is done, you have to put your party on; otherwise, your life is just not being lived.
Then he had to ask himself, could he break her rigid stride of all professionals, all the time? Quickly, he remembered the submissive fun-loving jokester in the hotel room back in Japan and thought there was a possibility, but she would have to make the first move.
He felt the vibration of his cell phone in his pocket buzz with a text. He ignored it as Zach handed him a beer with his arm around Hailey. She was dark-skinned and white smile, ear to ear. Her dark-brown eyes sparkled as Zach kissed her cheek. Then she asked about his trip as his phone vibrated with another text.
With a quick 'it was great' remark to Hailey, he held up his finger and mentioned to Zach that he had to get this call. Someone hollered behind Zach and Hailey with a huge loud hoot, and a firework went off over the ocean. Zach and Hailey turned their attention away from Trey as he shook his head thinking most of these people will never grow up and act 'professional', at least not when they are at the beach having a good time and why should they. Life was too hard and work took up too much time of your life, so hanging loose and having fun is what he wanted to do and hopefully one day, he would convince Jennifer of the same.
His phone vibrated again just as he took it out of his tan cargo short pocket. A condom fell out, and he doubted he would use it on any other woman tonight. The touch, taste and feel of Jennifer ruined him for that occupational fun he liked to partake in. Tonight, would be drinking a few beers, walking the beach to get home to his place and crashing hard as the world of heartache was still crashing in around him.
By the time he looked at his phone, the fourth text came in, all from Jennifer. Not a single one of them said so
mething like, I miss you, I want you, come get me. Nope. They were all work related and quite cryptic that he did not even want to think about them. If this was her way of reaching out to him and showing her heart was aching too, then it was the wrong way to go about it. He turned his cell phone off completely and walked over to a couple of young women dancing in almost nothing more than bikinis around the fire. He figured, what the hey and joined in. However, it wasn't long that the ache of loss over Jennifer kicked in, and he found an excuse to head home.
I needed to talk to Trey, and he had not answered a single text. Several hours later, I finally pulled myself together as the storm had passed and the sun was setting. I could not believe it. He is probably dealing with his twins right now, getting a little double action recall. That, or him and his buddy Zach are doing shots at the bar and talking old school surfing while hot little things gather around waiting to see if they can take Trey home and sleep with him.
I got myself so worked up in jealousy scenarios I wanted to scream. I had never been a very jealous woman, competitive - yes extremely; however, I just aimed higher and found ways to make those I might be jealous of, to be jealous of me.
I was pacing back and forth on my private deck by my hot tub and stewing over the fact that I had seemed so cold and mean, and Trey did not even try to convince me otherwise. But then, why would he? Why would he want to wrap me up in his arms and tell me I am crazy if I think I am going to walk away from a potential us? That he loves me and wants me. That I am the perfect woman for him, and that we have some great plans ahead of us.
Then I stopped pacing to the sound of the heater kicking on in the hot tub. That reminded me of the tender moments Trey and I shared the first night we were together. Of course, he wouldn't wrap me up in his arms and tell me I was the perfect woman for him, because I wasn't. I pushed him away at every possible romantic moment instead of reassuring him. I was pushing him away now with sending texts that only involved work questions regarding my new client. That was what I did, and I had to figure this out quick. My life felt empty without him, even though Prez just sent me a copy of the client contract from Japan. We got full disclosure rights to promote them. I should have been ecstatic over that, instead I was beating myself up for being so mean to Trey and wishing like hell right now that he was here, with me, making love, and we were talking about a future together.
I woke the next morning with very little sleep. The last text I sent to Trey was a sincere apology, and that we needed to talk. That text was sent out in two in the morning like a crazy ex-girlfriend might do. I had to ask myself if this was a road I wanted to walk down or was I going to pull my head out of my ass and grow up. I never answered my own crazy internal dialogue of grow up versus go get him and make him want to take you back.
I walked into the corporate office like a storm of crazy flying monkeys were behind me, and I was in all black with an imaginary magical staff in my hand. I acted as if I was a force to be reckoned with and not a single person made eye contact with me.
Trey had never called or texted back to me that morning, and I was beginning to wonder if I had made the biggest mistake of my life. So what was I going to do with this? Be productive at work and throw myself into the new clients work? No! I was going to yell at the barista at Starbucks for making my coffee wrong instead of asking her how her new beau is and tipping her. I was going to make damn sure I took up two parking spots in the corporate underground parking garage, which was already short on spaces. I was going to slam Lorna with work. I was going to tell Prez that her new haircut made her look like a pixie doll. I was going to... hell, I needed to lock myself up in my office and not be around the general population for the next few days. All this was stemming from the fact that Trey wanted nothing to do with me, and I had put myself in these shoes, one foot at a time.
I knew what I just did today was wrong. No one deserved my bad attitude. Worse than that, I had done exactly what I had planned to do if a man ever stole my heart like Trey did. It was too painful to know that at any time he could dump me for a younger woman who wasn't so tied down with her career. It was time I drew the line in the sand, created my distance and let him walk away. My life was my job, and Trey would keep me from doing it well. Because, ever since he stepped into my life, the day that he gave me that flower from his office garden, I knew that I was caught inside.
It tore my heart out to know that I just pushed away the one great man in my life. I felt my head pounding like a metal hammer to my head. There was no amount of kindness in what I did. What I did was selfish, mean and egotistically. I was trying to prove to myself, and the corporate world around me, that I was a force to be reckoned with. I saw the pain in his eyes, heard the distance in his voice when he told me good-bye. I knew I was confused and maybe needed time to think about our relationship and where it was going.
Memories of years ago with Christian and the chaos he tried to create in my career by exposing me for what I was, flooded back and perhaps caused me to create this distance. I knew I was thinking like an ageist, sexist and a damn mean female, which was what Christian had exposed me for. In some regards, it was the true me, which I would not admit back then. No, I fought him and his publication off, and I won a retraction to his article. I got my client's business back, and I swore I would tear that man up. Instead, I went back to my life - my career as that was my only life, and the last time I had heard anything about Christian was that he was writing a novel that was about to be published. I hoped to God it wasn't about some crazy corporate witch that used men, but I guess I couldn't blame him. He was right. Paying for sex is wrong. Talking condescending to him was wrong. Trying to get him fired and making him retract his story, well that was self-preservation, but it was wrong.
Then I found myself in the present wondering. Had I not learned my lesson? Had what I done to Christian any worse than what I just did to Trey. It was much, much more devastating. I loved Trey. I knew it but I did not know how to show it, and I did not think he deserved a selfish woman such as myself.
Lorna walked by my glass office walls and gave me a look that told me she knew something was up. She always seemed to know but was kind enough to keep her distance. I wouldn't even doubt if she had my period schedule marked with a skull and cross bones on her calendar. As soon as she walked in, closing the door behind her, I collapsed my head into my hands and realized as tears streamed down my face, that this was the stupidest things I had ever done.
I could ask myself why I did it, but I knew. I knew that, deep down, my emotional fears were rising, and they were not going down without a fight. I feared having children because I was worried I would be a bad mother, as my own was. I was the last thing on her mind when she got home from work and the stigmatism of latch key kid was my life. I did not want to be that kind of mother; therefore, I felt I had nothing to offer a kid if I was twenty-four-seven on my job. However, Trey had convinced me back in Japan that I could utilize my employees more, sneak off to be with him to relax and enjoy ourselves, and then come back with a clear head and a big smile on my face to boot. He spent tender moments convincing me that a good mom did not mean you stayed home and did nothing for yourself. He stroked my naked skin with his hands and told me that I deserved my career and a great man like himself. That if I wanted kids, it could happen better than I had ever imagined. He stated it so dreamily while letting his hands roam my naked body, how could I think that anything less than us together would be more magical?
Lorna stood at the corner of my desk with a smile on her face and a wariness as if to say, is it safe to be in your office. I lifted my head with a weary smile as she handed me a tissue, from a box in her other hand, then I collapsed my head back against my desk. It was pounding now, from the stress of losing Trey and trying to make him run away from me, because that was what I had done.
Before long, I felt her hand on my back rubbing it softly and telling me that it is going to be all right. When I finally found it in me to look up, I looked
into the eyes of my personal secretary who had been everything to me in the last three years, yet I had only been her boss. She had read my mind, tried to make me laugh when I was too tense, always found a way to make small suggestions like a good friend without judging me, and now I felt I owed her an explanation.
Two hours later, Lorna handed me a fresh box of Kleenex and told me that she respected me for trying so hard but that nobody is perfect. That being so good at what I do should have nothing to do with a man or having kids. They just make the picture a bit more rounded, yes tougher at times, but then again, they can make it easier too, just like having a friend to talk to about it.
I felt as if a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. How could I have gone through most of my corporate life thinking that every single female was my competition? Sure, I had strived to move the female force forward in the corporate world when I could, yet a small part of me saw each and every one of them as competition.
I always had this notion that everybody thought I needed a man or kids to round my life out perfectly. Then I thought of Prez's ambitions for me and laughed internally. Sometimes people only want for you, what they have, not because they think it will make you be a better person, but because they want you to share in the journey. Ever since Prez got married and had kids, she had encouraged all her unmarried and childless staff to do the same. I just took it so seriously. Sure, the whole escort thing had made it easier, but would my clients have worked with me just the same? Most likely. Would I have been asked out on several dates that I would have endured turning down if I attended this functions single? A good chance. Instead of looking back at what-ifs and should have's or had not, I stood up and hugged Lorna. I thanked her for her friendship and told her I was taking the afternoon off to get some spa time in before the local client dinner tonight at the beach restaurant.
