Holding On To Hope

by Mystique Roberts

  I am sobbing so hard I can barely get the words out.

  “I-just. I need – to go – home. For a little bit. Chase. Josh. I just need to leave.”

  The line goes silent. “Hope, what happened. Chase called and he was so upset then he hung up on me and I can’t find him.”

  With that information I sob harder.

  “It’s – my –fault.” I barely manage to get out.

  “Hope, calm down. Breathe. Talk to me.”

  I hold my breath for a second, forcing my emotions to reel themselves back in and then try again.

  “Josh, my ex…he showed up here. I didn’t know he was coming, we fought and he kissed me. Chase apparently saw. I then found out that there is this article about us and Lauren and from what the guy wrote, Chase thinks I’m just bettering his image.”

  She inhales sharply, “I assure you that’s not it. I see how he looks at you, Hope.”

  I sigh, “I know it was probably some stupid article and I tried to just talk to him about it, but he blew up on me about Josh before I could so I yelled back. It was a public yelling match. I feel terrible but he needs to believe me. I just- I don’t know if we have this many problems already. I’m not sure if it’s worth it. I just need to leave, clear my head. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this life.”

  “Hope you shut up now. I don’t know if there is anyone more cut out for this than you. You want to travel, you love music and you help so much with the promoting. You were made for this job, this life. Shit happens, don’t let it get to your head. Calm down please, things will settle. People fight. It happens. I am going to kick his ass for drinking though.”

  “Ariel… that is what worries me most. Did I cause him to relapse? I don’t want him to go down that path again.” I remember his scars on his chest, how dismantled his bike was and how long it took him to recover.

  “Don’t worry about that. I’m going to talk to him. No one forces him to drink, Hope. It’s his decision. Go home, but keep in contact with me this week. We will see you Saturday morning at the show though okay?”

  “Okay, talk to you soon. I need to call my mom and get a flight for the morning.”

  “Text or call me when you figure it out.” She says quietly.

  “I will. I’m sorry Ariel.”

  “It’ll be okay, Hope.” She reassures me.

  I text my Mom and lie about the reasoning, making it seem like I just am taking the week to visit with her before the show.

  “Hey! I’m catching a flight in tomorrow and staying until Saturday. I know you know the show is close to home and I just wanted a chance to see you guys! I have so much to talk to you about.”

  My phone rings and it’s my mom, shit. I answer, trying to sound cheerful.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “ Hey, I saw your text and just figured I’d call. You’re coming home? Everything okay, honey?” She questions and I have to hold it together and try to sound convincing.

  “Yeah Mom. Like I said. I just wanted to have some more time to visit, because after the next month or so I’ll be moving.”

  “Right…” She says, still upset I am taking this job. If I still take this job that is. Tears start to swell in my eyes again and I have to let her go.

  “Well, I’ll call you in the morning and see you tomorrow. Love you.”

  I hang up and call my friend Anna, telling her everything.

  “That fucker!” She exclaims.

  “Which one!?” I question, slightly laughing even though my heart is breaking.

  “Well…both, but I meant Josh. I can’t believe he fucking did that. After all this time? Why? Just goes to show, men want what they can’t have. Still…it’s not right. I’m going to kill him for hurting you for a third time. Seriously, what is his deal? Then Chase!? I can’t believe after everything he didn’t just say something to you or interrupt you to and knock Josh’s lights out. This is a shitshow. I’m so sorry girl. So freaking sorry, but you will get through this. Just remember why you took this job in the first place. I am glad you’re coming home. I miss you terribly and I can’t wait to catch up… I just wish it was for a better reason.”

  “Me too.” I say, getting tired from crying. “Well, I’ll call you in the morning. I need to sleep, this day has exhausted me emotionally and physically.”

  “Okay, love you.”

  “You too.” I say and hang up the phone before letting sleep succumb me.

  I wake in the morning still groggy from the day before. I check my phone and have two missed phone calls and two texts from Chase.

  “Hope…please talk to me. I’m so sorry. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I just want to talk.”

  “I’m so sorry I broke my promise and hurt you. I should’ve talked to you first, I was just shocked and I guess scared that I was losing you. Can we please talk?”

  I get dressed, leaving the messages for now and pack a small bag. Then I head out to wait for my Uber and tell Ariel that I am leaving.

  Right as I am heading towards the parking lot Chase comes running up to me.

  “Hope! Where are you going? Wait! Please wait?” He yells.

  I stop and a few tears stream down my face when I turn to look at him.

  “What Chase? I don’t want to do this. Not right now.”

  He wipes my tear away from my cheek and I turn my head away from his touch.

  “Look, I’m a fucking idiot. I messed up, big time. I mean huge, but I’m so sorry. That isn’t even a strong enough word for how sorry I am. I just got scared. When I realized how much I cared about you…” He pauses. “How much I need you. It scared the shit out of me. I’ve never wanted anything more than this dream I have, but then you walked into my life and that changed. I want you more. I know I broke my promise, but I will do everything I can to make it up to you, Hope. Please stay.”

  He grabs my hand and holds it tight. For a second I almost stay, for a second I think we can just let this blow over, but then I realize that I need some space away from all of this to think. Even if just for a little bit.

  “I think…” I say slowly. “Right now, it’s just best we stay professional. For both of our sakes. You need your career, I need to live out my dreams and both of us have things we’re passionate about that we don’t want to lose. So, for now…I’m going home. I need a bit of normalcy and to clear my head. Maybe this isn’t the lifestyle for me like I thought it was. I’ll be at the show Saturday with my decision. Let me go for now, Chase. Let me go.”

  His face crumbles in pain and then anger as he wipes his eyes, letting go of my hand. I wrap one arm around him quickly and try to memorize the feeling of his touch. Then, I turn and walk as fast as I can to the parking lot and wait for my ride.

  Chase:

  I stand in the grass for what seems like forever, just staring at the spot I last saw Hope, trying to force my mind into believing that what just happened wasn’t real. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m having a nightmare and that the woman I love didn’t just leave. What have I done? Why did I flip out like that? I know I overreacted, it was just all the emotions I have been battling inside of me came to a head when I saw Josh kissing Hope.

  All the fear of losing her, fear of messing up the tour, fear of messing up my life again swarmed through my mind taunting me. My head is pounding from being hung-over but it doesn’t even come close to the pain radiating through my chest. Is this what heartbreak feels like? I’ve never truly been in love, so this feeling is all new to me and it is one I don’t ever want to feel again. I just want Hope back here with me where she belongs. I want her forever and I don’t ever want to know what life is like without her. I have to fix this, I have to do something.

  Lyrics pop in my head, to the melody I hummed weeks ago to Hope. Even in her absence the woman inspires me. I run back to my bus and write out the words that are pouring through me as fast as I possibly can. Then, I grab a guitar and play out every emotion that has been built up inside of me for a
year now. Every worry, every ounce of pain from the wreck, every moment stressing over making it back in the music industry, the moment I saw Hope and my breath was knocked out of me, the moment I fell for her and the moment she left. I pour it all out into my guitar and turn my pain into art, when I’m finished I have written one of the most genuine songs I’ve ever completed. I feel a little better, but I know I have to do something drastic to fix this.

  My phone rings over and over as I put my guitar away and rack my brain for ideas. Finally, I answer it.

  “Hello.”

  “Chase?” Ariel is pissed.

  “I’m sorry.” I admit.

  “Sorry isn’t enough now. What the fuck happened? I’m coming to your bus. Meet me there.”

  She hangs up without giving me a chance to answer. I don’t know what she is going to do, but I know she is angry. She has a right to be.

  There is a rough knock on my door and before I have the chance to answer, Ariel is inside.

  “Start talking.” She demands.

  I sit and explain everything. How I’ve been feeling the last two months. How much I love Hope and how terrified I was about the whole thing. How Josh hurt her and he came here and I thought the worst. My instincts were to push her away and I thought it was for the best, but I went around it the wrong way. I admit that I tried to get her to stay today, but she said she needed time. That she would be back at the show Saturday with her decision.

  She sits back and listens to everything, then sighs.

  “Look, everyone makes mistakes. It happens, but you should’ve just talked to her. It is clear how important you are to her. How important this job is to her. You should’ve known she wouldn’t fuck it all up over the guy that hurt her the most. You should’ve stepped back and thought a bit before you reacted. That being said…you better fix it. Because she is the best damn thing that ever happened to you and she’s a huge asset to the team. I don’t want to have to try to find someone to replace her and this new idea won’t work if she isn’t here to take the pictures and help with the site. So I think you better take this week to figure something out.”

  She gets up and gives me a sad look. “ I know this sucks, but you can fix it Chase. Just fix it.”

  I nod, knowing what I need to do.

  After she leaves I lay in bed and recall the memories Hope and I have made over the summer. Every touch, every conversation, every time her laugh brought a smile to my face. I remember her snapping the candid picture of my face at the fire.

  Then, the memory jolts an idea through me. I hop up, grab my phone and start researching classes until I find what I’m looking for. I put in all of her information and make sure to enter my email for confirmation, then pay for everything. The pain of missing her is excruciating now, knowing that I hurt her when I promised I wouldn’t, but I’m going to fix this. I have to fix this and I know how.

  CHAPTER 14

  Hope:

  The ride to the airport and everything between then and now is nothing but a blur of tears. I’m sitting in my window seat, with a hoodie pulled up to cover my face and my head pressed against the cool glass. Staring out the window at the people working to load the planes, I’m lost in thought and don’t even realize that the flight attendant is standing next to me for a moment.

  “Miss...Miss.” I hear a voice say and I turn to see a woman with light brown hair and green eyes smiling at me.

  “Yes?” I say softly.

  “Seatbelt please.” She says, pointing to my lap.

  “Oh, sorry.” I say as I buckle up. Did I miss the announcement? Had I spaced out for that long?

  I check my phone and realize it has been a little over ten minutes since I sat down. I text my mom that I am about to take off and turn my phone to airplane mode, thankful to disconnect for an hour. The plane takes off after another ten minutes and I allow myself to drift into a cat nap during the flight. The sound of the captain over the intercom wakes me.

  “We will be landing in St. Louis in about ten minutes everyone, thank you for choosing Omega Airlines. Please buckle up to prepare for landing.”

  I never unbuckled so I just sit up in my seat and watch as we land. Once we are on the ground, I turn my phone off of airplane mode and I have a few texts already.

  One from Chase. I sigh, I should’ve just kept it turned off.

  Ignoring my phone for the moment, I grab my bags and head for the door. I’m excited to see my family after a few months of being away, but nervous that I won’t be able to hide my pain from my mother, she can always tell when something is wrong. So, I use the few minutes in the terminal to collect myself. When I see my friend Anna, my sister, my dad and my mom waiting for me I don’t have to pretend to be happy. I’m ecstatic to see my family and I didn’t realize how much I missed them until this moment.

  I run as fast as I can while rolling my bag behind me and Anna and Taylor practically tackle me to the ground.

  “Finally!” I’ve missed you!” Taylor exclaims.

  “Yeah, I know you were going to be here this weekend anyway, but I’m happy to have extra time with you!” Anna says, giving me a small smile. She is the only one who knows the real reason I’m here.

  “Hey kiddo.” My dad gives me a big hug and my mom wraps around both of us.

  “It’s good to see you.” My mom assures me.

  “It’s good to see you too, but I think I’m more excited to have some home cooked food.” I laugh and my mom rolls her eyes.

  “What?” I say sarcastically. “I’ve had nothing but fast food and concession stand meals for two months, give me a break.”

  Everyone laughs and we head home.

  ***

  The next morning I wake up and it takes me a minute to remember I came home. My bedroom is a huge contrast from the small bunk in the bus I’ve been sleeping in. I stretch and stare at the ceiling for a few moments, thinking about the decision I have to make. Do I stay with this company and deal with all this back and forth with Chase? Can I handle the press and all the chaos that comes with it? I have so many questions but the one that keeps replaying in my mind is, can I ever really go back to a normal life knowing I turned down this opportunity? Can I ever really go back to a desk job and living in this small town and be happy? My answer to that is loud and clear. No. I can’t.

  I get up, grab my phone and head upstairs. I have texts from Ariel and still have one from Chase I never opened yesterday. I just couldn’t. I enjoyed having lunch and dinner with my family and having a normal day. Of course they all asked questions about the tour, my job and Chase. I answered them honestly for the most part. I tell them I love my job. That the fast paced, changing lifestyle is a bit to get used to, but I feel like I’ve finally found my place. Chase is great...he is extremely hard working and the band is definitely making a comeback. Everything is true...I just leave out the gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be.

  “So, do you know what you will be doing if you stay?” My mom asks, putting an emphasis on the if.

  I smile, recalling my conversation with the group a week or so ago.

  “Well...I actually will be doing multiple things. I help with the tour set up obviously, scheduling, equipment etcettera, but they just came up with another idea not too long ago, that I’ve been working on. Ariel realized how much I love photography and asked if I wanted to help with graphics. So I help Aiden and Cole with videography, graphics for merchandise, the website and we’re working on a new compilation of videos and shots from the tour for a promo to announce new music and Rising Aggressions comeback. I’m really doing a lot more than I expected and I couldn’t love it more.” It hits me for a second that I genuinely mean that. I love everything about this job, I just don’t know how I’m going to deal with seeing Chase every day, maybe that will change when we aren’t on tour though.

  I decide to text Ariel back.

  “I will see you Friday, I’m still thinking about things. I am at least going to finish the tour, I wouldn’t lea
ve you like that. You’re my friend. I also want to thank you for the opportunity and just know that this summer changed my life, no matter what happens. We will talk at the show! <3”

  She texts me back saying she completely understands, but she definitely wants me to stay with the company. She reminds me that the job isn’t in Cincinnati with Chase, so I won’t see him every day once tour is over. Which could be helpful in this situation. I hadn’t considered that fact. It’s the last line of her text that gets me.

  “I will say that he hasn’t been the same since you left. He feels terrible and well...he misses you Hope. He really does. I gave him hell for how he acted, but just know that he didn’t mean it. I’m not justifying anything, but I just wanted to say that. See you soon.”