Primal Darkness

by Ryan Kirk

  Fleet had sent a car for her, a gesture she didn’t know how to interpret and didn’t care enough to figure out. She climbed in the back and was promptly lost in thought as the car sped away. The only thought she remembered having was that Tev would have found this ride fascinating. She smiled at the thought, but it was short-lived.

  Kindra followed the directions to her review, surprised the meeting was as high up Fleet Headquarters as it was.

  When she got to the room she was instructed to wait outside, which she did without complaint. Even the waiting rooms this high up in Headquarters were ornate. She thought that even the walls of the waiting area were lined with real wood. An extravagant expense if it was true.

  Kindra wasn’t sure how best to spend her time, so she sat there, her mind as vacant as ever. She realized her name had been called twice before she responded. She shook her head to clear the cobwebs and stood up, straightening her dress uniform.

  Inside the meeting room sat more brass than Kindra had ever seen in her life. Under any other circumstance, she would have found them intimidating. Instead, all she could think was that this was the most expensive set of actions she had ever taken. Millions of credits of time must be being spent in this room every hour, all to judge her decisions. The whole process seemed foolish. Wasteful. Almost funny.

  Kindra fought her urge to smile and stood ramrod straight, waiting to be addressed.

  “Commander, at ease, please.”

  Kindra relaxed her stance. She figured she was supposed to know who the people in front of her were, but she didn’t. She’d never had to pay too much attention to the chain of command above her. The woman who had spoken could have been her grandma, though. She had gray hair and a smile on her face, with just a hint of steel in her eyes. Kindra automatically liked her.

  The same woman seemed to be in charge, whatever that meant here. “Commander, we’ve reviewed logs from the alien’s suit, the Vigilance, and Lieutenant Kenan’s suit. We’ve read your reports, and we’ve talked for hours among ourselves. To say that you found yourself in a difficult situation is an understatement, and there’s no need to go over what happened here. Your reports were straightforward and in line with everything documented about the event. We believe you have been honest about the events.”

  The woman’s voice was plain and soft-spoken, devoid of judgment. Kindra found it soothing.

  “We only have one question for you, and it’s a vague one, intentionally. We know the facts of what happened, but what we want to know is, how do you feel about the actions you took on your last mission?”

  Kindra frowned. She hadn’t been sure what she was expecting, but that question wasn’t it. She didn’t answer right away, thinking about her answer.

  Eventually the silence became uncomfortable, and she spoke just to fill the space. “To be honest, ma’am, I really don’t know. I hate what happened. I’m sure that our actions saved many lives of the aliens and potentially salvaged a chance for future relations with them. But did I make the best decisions? Was there a better way? I keep thinking there had to be, but I can’t think of what it was.”

  Kindra felt like she was rambling, and that the less she said, the better off she was, so she stopped. The various admirals looked around at each other, and Kindra caught one of the men give a slight nod to the gray-haired woman.

  The woman turned to Kindra.

  “Commander, it is the judgment of this review board that you acted in the best interests of Fleet. You are hereby declared innocent of all charges and will keep your rank and pay. Is there anything you would like to add, or do you have any questions?”

  Kindra thought she would have felt something, but she felt exactly the same as she had when she walked in the room. She shook her head. “No, ma’am. Thank you, ma’am.”

  The woman nodded. “Very well, commander, you are dismissed.”

  That night, Kindra didn’t know what to do. There was only one person she could think of to talk to, and she worried that she was getting desperate. She thought about calling almost a dozen times before she finally did it.

  Derreck answered right away, and as soon as he heard her voice, he told her where to meet him.

  An hour later the two of them met at a small bar Kindra had never heard of. She hadn’t grown up on Haven like Derreck, and his knowledge of small and unique places always surprised her. The place didn’t even show up on her net results. She wasn’t even sure how that was possible.

  The bar was cozy and intimate, with only a few booths and several stools around the bar. Derreck was already there when she arrived, sitting in a booth. Kindra frowned. She didn’t see his wheelchair anywhere. She asked him about it as soon as she sat down.

  “I hate that thing. The docs say I’ll be fully cleared next week, but I know I can move short distances.”

  Kindra shook her head. Derreck must be driving the doctors mad.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m thinking about leaving Fleet.”

  A range of reactions passed over Derreck’s face, but he was a good poker player, and he settled into a concerned frown after just a moment. “I received the notice that you’d been cleared.” He paused, studying her carefully. “But you don’t feel that way, do you?”

  Kindra had an urge to just let everything out, to ramble on, but the scientist that lived inside her wouldn’t let her. She needed to be focused and precise.

  “Derreck, I signed up so I could explore the galaxy. I want to study life and how it evolves across the planets. Fighting was never a part of what I wanted to do.”

  Derreck nodded, taking in her words. Kindra wasn’t sure how he would respond. She trusted him though. He wouldn’t ask her to stay if he didn’t think it was in her best interest.

  “Do you think that everything happening around Tev is important?”

  Kindra knew where Derreck was trying to go. “Absolutely! His discovery is probably the most important event in humanity’s history. But I’m not sure this journey is worth the cost to me. There are other biologists out there who could handle this situation better.”

  Derreck’s response was immediate. “No, there aren’t.”

  Kindra wanted to interrupt him, but he held up his hand.

  “Look in my eyes.”

  Kindra, surprised by the command in his voice, obeyed.

  “I know you feel guilty over Kenan’s death. I know that and I’m glad of it. If you didn’t feel guilt you wouldn’t be the person that I believe you are. But I’ve seen combat, and I know, without a doubt, no one could have done better than you did in that situation. Not any commander I’ve ever met, and certainly not a scientist. Do you believe me?”

  Emotions warred within Kindra. She knew he believed he was telling the truth, and she wanted desperately to believe him, but she couldn’t do it.

  The silence stretched between them. Finally, Derreck spoke, “I don’t know what else to tell you. I know the guilt you’re feeling. In a perfect world, I’d be able to tell you that nothing like that will ever happen again, but you know I can’t. The truth is, our duty can be horrible, but this is what we signed up for. You need to decide if the impact you’ll have is worth the risk.”

  Kindra nodded. “What do you think I should do?”

  Derreck shrugged. “If I were you, I’d stay in Fleet. We need people like you, people who care and will always try to make the right decisions. Losing you would be a tragedy.”

  Derreck ordered another round of drinks for them, and Kindra could feel the alcohol dulling the edge of the pain she was feeling. After getting halfway through her second drink, Kindra worked up the courage to ask the other question that had plagued her. “How is he doing?”

  Her captain didn’t need to ask who she was talking about. “Okay. He hides his discomfort well, but he’s having a hard time adjusting to our way of life. Everything is foreign to him. I realize this sounds manipulative after your confession, but he needs you. You’re the anchor between the two worlds for him.�
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  Kindra nodded, the words struggling to find purchase in her distracted mind. “I heard that Fleet ran some combat tests on him.”

  “Yeah. The results were interesting. He’s good, but he’s outclassed by Fleet’s best. As a fighter, I’d say he’s only average, maybe a little above. It’s his movement that’s fascinating, though. Give him an environment to work in, and the way he moves through it instantly elevates his abilities. That ability to move is what makes him so dangerous in a suit. As I’ve been watching him, I’m more and more convinced your theory is right. I’m also convinced that with training, he could be one of the best suit pilots we’ve ever seen.”

  “You sound like you want that to happen.”

  Derreck’s grin vanished. “Look, I’m concerned by the possibilities, but I have to admit, it’s really fun to watch him learn the suits better.”

  Kindra shook her head. The phrase boys will be boys ran through her head, but it wasn’t one she applied to Derreck often.

  They finished their drinks, and Derreck left her with one last thought. “I don’t think it’s my position to tell you what to do with your life. For what it’s worth, I want you to remain in Fleet. But, I think that at the very least, you should talk to Tev. He needs you, and I think, perhaps, you need him. Hell, take him out on a date. Relax and enjoy each other’s company. It would do both of you some good.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  Derreck nodded as he hailed a car, leaving Kindra alone once again, deciding what to do.

  A few days later there was a knock at Tev’s door, or more accurately, Derreck’s door. Tev wondered who it could be. Most of his days were spent exploring, a little on his own, but mostly with Derreck. The knowledge pained him a little, but even after a few weeks the planet of Haven was still too strange to him. He didn’t feel safe when he was alone. With Derreck along to guide him, he felt much better and could focus on learning, rather than on his own safety. It was evening, and Derreck was out, and he wasn’t the type of person to get visitors.

  Tev was supposed to be able to check who was at the door, but he had forgotten what Derreck had shown him. Instead, he grabbed his knife and opened the door.

  Kindra was there, an uncertain smile on her face. A smile that disappeared the moment she saw Tev’s knife.

  “Is everything okay?”

  Tev spun the knife and hid it behind his back, fooling no one. “I’m fine. Sorry. I just get a little nervous sometimes.”

  Kindra nodded, the smile slowly returning to her face. She still looked uncertain, as if she thought she should smile, but couldn’t quite convince herself.

  “Are you going to invite me in?”

  Tev, feeling foolish, did. Together they walked to Derreck’s living room. On the way Tev sheathed his knife and put it down on a counter.

  The two of them sat on separate couches, looking across the room at each other. Tev wasn’t sure what he should do. He wanted to talk to Kindra, but everything he thought of fled his mind before he could form the words. He cursed silently to himself. His interactions with her had been difficult, and he didn’t want them to be. He was just about to force out an awkward question to start a conversation when he noticed Kindra wringing her hands.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Tev, I wanted to ask you about Kenan.”

  Tev’s stomach tightened. That was the last thing he wanted to talk about with Kindra.

  “What about?”

  “How ... how do you feel about what we did?”

  Tev wasn’t quite sure what Kindra wanted him to say, but he was an honest man, and it was easiest to follow his first instinct. “I’m sorry that I had to kill one of your clan, but we did a good thing. He would have killed many more of my people.”

  “I know that, but, how do you live with it?”

  Suddenly, Tev understood. He knew why Kindra was here, what she was really asking about.

  “It’s because you don’t have to kill to survive.”

  Kindra looked confused, so Tev explained.

  “At home, we have to kill other animals to survive. Not just for food, but sometimes because other animals are dangerous to us. You don’t have that. No other animal can hurt you here. Where I grew up, we learned that we must kill or be killed.”

  Kindra shook her head. “Murder isn’t that simple.”

  Tev stood up, surprised by how frustrated he was. “Yes, sometimes it is. He would have killed many. We saved many. That is all there is.”

  Kindra was taken aback by the violence in Tev’s answer. His tone penetrated the guilt she was feeling. Tev could see that easily.

  Gradually, Kindra’s entire demeanor changed. Her shoulders slumped and straightened again. Tev studied her. She hadn’t found her answer, not yet. But she was one step closer.

  “Do you want to come out to eat with me?”

  Tev debated. He had already been out today with Derreck, and leaving the apartment twice in one day seemed like a lot. But Kindra was in front of him and talking to him, and he wanted to keep her that way. Tev nodded, and Kindra stood up and led the way.

  Throughout the journey, Kindra seemed content. It was different for her after being so distant the past few months. Tev enjoyed the change in her. They soon reached the restaurant Kindra had chosen and were seated immediately.

  As often happened, their conversation turned to the different aspects of Kindra’s culture. Tev always kept a mental list of the new things he had seen, and whenever he got a chance, he asked people about them. He most often asked Derreck, but tried to split his questions between all the people he interacted with. He worried that if he ever asked one person too many questions, they would get frustrated.

  Their food came out, and it was yet another type of food Tev had never seen before. This was some sort of long, stringy food, with meat and sauce covering it. Tev was still mastering the use of the fork, and this food didn’t seem to want to work with the skills he had. Kindra laughed at his challenge and showed him how to twirl his fork to keep the strings attached. Tev didn’t understand. Eating with hands was much easier, but every time he did so here, he received stares from others.

  The meal was delicious, and eventually the conversation became focused on Tev.

  “What do you think of our planet so far?”

  Tev was at a loss for words. Everything about Kindra’s planet was amazing, but no matter how awe-inspiring it was, Tev felt that there was something missing here. He tried to explain his feeling to Kindra, but found that he couldn’t. The truth was, he wasn’t sure what was missing. All he knew was that he didn’t feel complete here, the way he did on his home planet.

  Kindra listened to him struggle to find the words but eventually interjected. “Do you want to go back?”

  It was the very question Tev had been struggling with.

  “I do. Everything I know is there. All of this, this is too much for me. I’m a hunter, but out here, my food is brought to me. What am I, then?”

  Kindra looked like she was about to reply, but Tev interrupted her.

  “You know what really scares me? What if I go back, and I don’t fit in there anymore, either? What if I don’t fit in any world?”

  Kindra didn’t respond, but Tev could see his words had struck her, somehow. She was thinking deeply about something. Finally, she reached across the table and took his hand in hers.

  “Tev, I don’t have the answers for you. But I will always be there if you need me. I want you to know that.”

  Tev took heart. It was surprising how much he trusted Kindra. He felt her hand on his, softer than any skin he had ever known. Even Neera had never had such soft skin. For the first time, he thought about Kindra in a new light.

  Kindra removed her hand and leaned back. “That got far too serious too fast. This was supposed to be a celebration.”

  Tev’s mind raced, faced with ideas and thoughts he hadn’t encountered before. For months he had been obsessing about losing Neera, but the entire time,
Kindra had been right in front of him. At first, she had been alien to him, but as time had gone on, that feeling had gone away. Now she was just Kindra, a friend.

  Tev pushed his mind into the present and smiled. Kindra returned the smile. “Tev, have you ever had wine?”

  Tev shook his head. He didn’t know what wine was. Kindra laughed and ordered some from the man who brought them food.

  He had been expecting food, so he was surprised when the man brought out liquid in a bottle. He poured a little into one of Kindra’s glasses and she smelled it and took a sip. She nodded at the man, and he poured more into her glass, and then some into Tev’s.

  Tev cautiously sniffed at the drink, frowning at what he smelled. It was both sweet and not. He took sip, amazed by the different flavors assaulting his tongue. He wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, but he took a few more sips, trying to understand everything he was tasting. Kindra watched the entire process with a grin on her face.

  Almost immediately, Tev felt the effects of the drink. He looked at Kindra. “Is this alcohol?”

  She laughed, confirmation enough for Tev.

  The evening continued as Tev asked more and more questions. Kindra kept refilling both their glasses, and at one time they both found themselves helpless with laughter. Some of the other restaurant patrons shot angry glares their way.

  When the bottle was gone, Tev had almost worked up the courage to ask Kindra to come back with him to the apartment.

  A moment of happy silence descended on the two of them, and Tev was just about to ask when Kindra’s eyes glanced up and to the right, her tell that she had just received a message. Tev was upset. Kindra and her people were never present.

  “I thought you’d turned it off?”

  Kindra frowned. “I did.”

  In a moment, Kindra’s entire demeanor changed. “It’s Derreck. He pushed through my barriers. Whatever it is, it’s got to be something serious.”

  Kindra’s mind was a disorganized mess. There were too many thoughts and not nearly enough space or time to deal with them all. The fact she had let herself get thoroughly drunk with Tev wasn’t helping either. She had ordered her nanos to help clean out her bloodstream, but she had let herself go much further than she probably should have, and it would take them at least an hour to get her sober.