by Lexy Timms
Letting out a groan when her lips touched his ear, he ran his fingernails up her back. It didn’t hurt, nor was it a fragile touch, but it brought forth a sound from her throat as well. The tension was unbearable; she pushed her weight forward, so he was lying on his back on the bed and her body was pressed on top of him.
He felt so much bigger than her; maybe they’d just been apart for too long and she’d forgotten what his body was like. He’d definitely gotten more built, that was for sure. How it was possible she didn’t know, and she didn’t care. What she knew was she loved it and never wanted to be away from it again. She could hide behind him and no part of her would be visible. Being enveloped by this sturdy, powerful man was making her mind spin, bringing visions of them together before her eyes. Amid it all, she wondered how on earth she could have ever forgotten what it felt like to be tangled up in his body.
The room smelled like him, the bed smelled like him, she smelled like him; he’d absorbed her scent, too. It just felt right, the two of them sharing their bodies and smells and beds. It was a mistake! Something in her yelled at the top of its lungs. I never should have tried to end it with you!
Just when her mind began to get distracted by their breakup he grabbed her waist tight and rolled them over, so he was on top.
“Those blue eyes,” she breathed, looking at them, lusting at their beauty. “I want those blue eyes.”
“Stop being romantic, Lil,” he grinned cheekily.
“I can’t help it.” She almost couldn’t believe she was saying things like this out loud. Right now, she felt oddly distant from her logic and practicality, and had to remind herself that this was all happening completely sober.
“Are you okay?”
She had to read his lips, his voice was so quiet. “I’m okay. Are you?”
He nodded. There was an innocence in the way he nodded. It looked genuine with sadness, joy, and eagerness all at the same time. One thing about Cayden, she realized, he wears his emotions on his face. Even in his fun-loving moments, I can tell what he’s thinking. Usually he was highly optimistic and had a positive vibe around him, able to make anyone feel comfortable. All of that was present in his face and body language right now, but so was the pain caused by their breakup. She knew him too well to ignore it.
Let this be it, then. Softly, she kissed his jaw line and let all her thoughts and strict conscience disappear.
He pulled back suddenly, looking deep into her eyes. “Do you want this?”
She ran her teeth over her lower lip and nodded.
“Are you sure?”
“You need to stop talking.” She pushed him off her and stripped out of her pants and undies, motioning for him to do the same.
He did as instructed, and she pushed him back on the bed, this time on top of him. Kissing him roughly, she lowered herself onto the entire hard length of him.
He gasped as her heat enveloped him. She didn’t give him time to enjoy the moment; she needed more. She moved up and down in an almost desperate rhythm. Cayden’s strong hands slid around her hips and guided her to a rhythm that made her groan and his breath quicken.
She let him lead her, her mouth hanging open as she gasped for air, wanting more of him and unsure she’d ever get enough. He began to counter-thrust each of her movements, the pace growing manic again. She rode him harder, faster. Staring down at his eyes, she watched the pleasure cross his face. He reached down and, using the pad of his thumb, gently added pressure by where they were joined. The pleasure intensified, forcing her to close her eyes and let him take control.
Conrad rolled them over with him on top, setting a new rhythm. It was too much beautiful torture. Lily’s body tensed; she cried out his name, over and over.
Her body’s reaction tightened and squeezed his erection, sending him over the edge. He buried his face in her neck as he came, their arms and legs tangling and bodies writhing together like a current in the ocean—it all came from the depths of their hearts.
They were giving each other the most vulnerable emotions hidden within their souls, emotions that could not be expressed through words.
The late afternoon breeze swirled in from the window and wrapped itself around them, cooling their flushed skin as they lay there catching their breath.
This is too good to be true, Lillian thought.
“What?”
She looked up at him, half of her face squashed against his chest. “What?”
“You said something.”
“Oh.” She giggled nervously. “I thought I’d thought it.”
“What did you say?” Raising his pinky finger, he tickled the bottom of her chin.
“Something secret.”
“Secrets don’t make friends, you know.”
She stuck out her tongue. “I thought that it was too good to be true.”
“What’s too good to be true?”
Lillian just gave him a sarcastic look and winked.
“Oh.” he smiled. “That.”
“Don’t you think so?”
“Maybe.”
“Only maybe?” she squealed.
“Okay, fine. It was great. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. Since I went to L.A.”
“You haven’t, well, done it since you left?”
His face turned serious. “No, of course not. I didn’t want to except with you.”
The guilt began to creep up again. Did I make the wrong decision? She stared at him, making sure she wasn’t accidentally saying it out loud again. “I didn’t either.” The words felt lame coming from her.
He didn’t say anything, but focused on the window. “The sun’s going down.”
His stomach rumbled loudly; she felt it as she lay there, still half on top of him. “You’re hungry.”
“Aren’t you, after that?”
Lillian felt her face heat back up. “I guess so, yeah. You didn’t have lunch either.”
“How do you know?”
Oops. “I might’ve been listening to your yard work noises all day, and I didn’t hear a silence long enough for you to have eaten anything.”
A tiny smile formed on his lips. “Stalker.”
“Maybe.” She rolled off him and sat up, crossing her legs. The last rays of sun fell across her knees, and Cayden propped himself up on one elbow, transfixed on her. She pretended not to notice because she was more occupied stretching her neck and arms from being intertwined with him for so long. Enjoying the feeling of her muscles stretching and letting loose of the tension, she closed her eyes, arched her back, her weight on her arms behind her.
Finally, she opened her eyes and noticed him observing her.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said.
Her heart stopped; she couldn’t help it. “I was only stretching after quite a rigorous workout,” she said, trying to make light of his comment. It didn’t faze him.
For a little longer than she anticipated he looked her up and down, his eyes lingering on her waist and neck. At last he shifted and sat up. “I’m starving. Let’s get some food.”
“Where do you want to go?” The thought of going out someplace sank her mood. It was so comfy in the house, lounging in her sweatpants and draping her legs over his. Why did they have to go out?
As if he had read her mind, he said, “I don’t really want to go anywhere. Let’s order in.”
Yes! she thought. Cayden reached for his phone and leaned back on the pillow, scrolling and tapping for a few minutes until it was done. “Half an hour,” he said triumphantly, tossing his phone down to the foot of the bed.
“What did you get?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he smirked. “I need a shower. Bad.”
She frowned. “Why?”
“Are you implying,” he flopped onto his stomach and inched up close to her face, “that you like the way I smell right now?”
Lillian sheepishly smiled.
“That’s gross, Lil.”
“How?”
“The
real question is, how can you possibly like this smell?”
“Because it smells like you and everything you love.” She wondered if she should’ve thought that instead of saying it out loud.
Cayden, to her delight, looked pleased. “Tell me, O Wise One, everything I love.”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she retorted, and stood. “Go take a shower, silly clean freak. I’ll be busying myself here.”
He slid off the bed, planted a firm kiss on her cheek, and disappeared into the bathroom. Within a minute she heard the shower running full blast, and saw steam billowing from the gap underneath the door.
With a sigh, she got up and slipped on a white t-shirt he had folded on his dresser. She walked into the kitchen to pour a glass of water. What am I doing? she asked whatever spirits would listen. I’ve never had such a disconnect between my head and my heart until this. I don’t know who to listen to.
She wondered what Amelia would say. The years she and Amelia had lived together were the best years of her life so far. Amelia, in all her never-ending, high-speed energy seemed to always have wisdom for emotional predicaments Lillian seemed to get herself into. Even though she was gone, Lillian still tried to channel her inner Amelia when she needed insight about something.
Right now, though, her inner Amelia wasn’t showing up, and she had no answers about the best course of action.
Don’t think about it yet, Lillian. Not yet. She knew she didn’t have much time left before Cayden went back to Los Angeles, although she didn’t know the exact amount of time until he left. She didn’t want to know. For once, for one of the only times she could remember besides when she was still together with Cayden, she wanted to enjoy the moment and not ruin it by overthinking the details or worrying about the future.
Amelia had always said she needed to be with someone who was very grounded. Rooted in themselves and the world around them. Someone who could pull Lillian back down to earth when she started to be pulled away into the tornado of her own mind.
Cayden had been that person. And now he was gone. Well, technically he was about to go. But her time with him, as a partner, had gone.
She walked out onto Cayden’s little back porch and focused on the very last sliver of sun sinking behind the shedding trees. As it lowered, and the sky darkened, so did the elation of earlier from being with him. I have to remind myself why I’m doing this, she thought. If she had been speaking out loud it would have been in her no-nonsense voice. I’m not what’s best for him. He needs someone more suited to who he is and what he loves to do. Someone healthier and stronger and more beautiful.
Are you saying you’re not beautiful? Amelia’s voice popped up in her head, and Lillian breathed relief.
No, she replied, I’m not saying I’m not beautiful. I’m just saying that I’m not at all the type of people that Cayden usually surrounds himself with. I’m pretty much the opposite of all that.
Who’s to say that the opposite isn’t good for him?
Amelia had a point. She would always talk to Lillian like this, challenging her perspective even when she didn’t necessarily disagree. “I’m playing the devil’s advocate here, hon,” she would always say as a disclaimer before making her counter-opinion. “It helps put things in perspective.”
Lillian always got mad at her for that, but now that Amelia had been gone for a few years she appreciated it more than she had ever expected she would.
“Maybe it’s good for him,” she mumbled, losing a good chunk of her ego. “Maybe I’m wrong.” Even after her death, Amelia was still winning arguments. Either way Lillian still didn’t want to think about it until she had to, and not even then.
Amelia had always encouraged Lillian to do her best to live in the moment.
The door opened behind her and Cayden stepped out, his hair wrapped up in a towel like a turban. “Enjoying the evening air?”
At the sight of his towel turban, she pressed her hand against her mouth and snorted, trying to stifle a laugh. “Wow, so fashionable.”
“I always do my hair like this, what are you talking about?” He bent at the waist and ferociously rubbed the towel through his hair to dry it, then draped the towel over his bare shoulder. He stared at his shirt covering her body. “I like the way you dress. I’m not complaining.”
She smiled, not sure how to respond.
“The food should be here soon.”
“Good. You look like you’re about to fall over from starvation.”
“Me? Look at yourself!” Jokingly, he wrapped both hands around her arm. “I think you’ve shrunk, Lil.”
“Nah, I’m fine.” Now wasn’t the time to talk about her illness.
“Well, anyway. Can I fix you a drink? Get you something?”
“I have some water.”
“What about some wine?”
Lillian’s eyes lit up. “Wine?”
“Yes, wine. I got a bottle yesterday just in case...” He trailed off and cleared his throat. “Is red okay?”
“Red’s the best.” Her mood lifted, and she followed him inside, making light conversation for a few minutes until the food came. Neither of them mentioned anything throughout dinner about him leaving again or their plans for the future. They kept it casual, almost like they were just getting to know each other.
But the elephant in the room was huge, and it had to be acknowledged at some point.
After they ate, they cleaned up without talking. It wasn’t a passive-aggressive sort of silence; it was a silence that understood it wasn’t time to talk about the obvious yet. Lillian considered going home, but before she could decide whether to go or not Cayden pulled her back in the bedroom. He lay his head on her chest and fell asleep in an instant.
She tried to fall asleep, but her mind kept her awake for what seemed like hours. The moon rose higher, and no matter how peaceful it made the trees look or how lovely its light was glinting off the wind chimes just outside the window, she couldn’t pull her mood back together.
Eventually, she managed to asleep. Surprisingly it was a deep sleep, black and dreamless. She eased out of it, feeling like she had just been run over. It took a minute for her eyes to adjust. The room was lit by a small lamp in the corner, its light radiating warm through the orange lampshade.
That’s the ugliest lamp I’ve ever seen. It was her first thought, and she wanted to change it for him. Get him a new one. Maybe find an old one from an antique sale and fix it for him. Then she realized they weren’t together, and that would be overstepping their boundaries.
Grunting, she sat up and looked around. Cayden wasn’t in there anymore. Something at the other end of the house thudded and she got to her feet slowly, feeling achy.
“Cayden?” she called.
“Yeah, in here.”
Something in her had feared he’d left already, but hearing his voice made her tension release. She stuck her head in the living room. Cayden knelt on the floor, zipping up his suitcase. When he saw her, he stood and pulled on his shirt.
He’s going. It was really happening. Today had been just a fling, after all. “Are you leaving now?” she asked, her voice high and stressed.
“I have to go to the airport now,” he replied simply.
“Right now?”
“Yes. My flight leaves in a couple of hours.”
“You didn’t want to tell me this until the moment you’re walking out the door?” Lillian felt her blood pressure start to rise.
“It didn’t feel like the right time.”
“It would’ve been nice to have some notice.” She sounded like a miserable teenager, but didn’t know how to stop it.
“I’m sorry, okay? I know I can’t make you happy.”
“I never said that.”
“Well, it seems like since I’ve gotten back all you’ve been is unhappy except when you got what you wanted from me, coming into my yard in the middle of me working and making a move.”
Her jaw dropped. “You think I did it just because I wa
nted to? How about I thought it would make you happy, too?”
Cayden stared menacingly at the couch.
“I didn’t want this to happen, Cayden. I’m sorry. It was a mistake.” I should’ve just stayed in my house.
He glared at her. “You’re incredibly selfish, you know that?”
She was? No she wasn’t. She’d come for him. Bullshit. She’d come because she couldn’t stop herself. “Right now, it seems like you’re not happy with the thought of me being here. You couldn’t even tell me you were leaving until you’re zipping up your suitcase.”
His eyes could’ve shot lasers. “A month ago, I never would’ve thought you’d be attacking me.”
“Attacking you?” she scoffed. “Forgive me, Cayden. Maybe part of it is that I hate being away from you so much. It sucks that you were gone for such a long time. You coming back was a tease that wasn’t good for either of us.”
“I came back when I wasn’t supposed to, Lil. I thought it would change your mind. I’m leaving in the middle of the night because I wanted to have all the time with you I could get.” His face was red. “I’m over there, working hard. Doing what I love. And finally making some damn good money at the same time.”
“Oh? I started to think maybe you were over there because Janine just loves you so much and can’t get enough of you.”
He got even more angry. “Don’t start with that.”
“Why not? She obviously likes you enough to pay you a boatload of money to literally move to Los Angeles with her while she finds ‘the perfect trainer.’” She sarcastically did air quotes.
“She’s a crazy-rich woman and is equally picky. I didn’t ask to go with her.”
“So, you’re not denying her attraction towards you?”
“I am denying it! It’s stupid that you’d even consider it. Janine’s married.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“This is ridiculous.”
