by Lexy Timms
The way he said it rubbed Lillian the wrong way. She’d never felt her blood boil so viciously as it was right now. “No, you know what’s ridiculous?” she shouted as he pulled on a jacket and raised the handle of his suitcase. “What’s ridiculous is that you said you would only be gone for a couple of weeks. You promised.”
He started to roll his suitcase toward the door.
“Maybe if you had kept your promise and didn’t stay over there so long, we wouldn’t be having this fight right now. You said you didn’t want to be away from me.” Tears gathered in her eyes so thickly she could barely see in front of her.
“I have to go now. Lock the door on your way out.” He left the door open and loaded his suitcase into the car.
“Oh, great. Now you’re leaving without saying goodbye?”
“I want to say goodbye in the short term, Lil,” he growled, stomping over to her and pointing a finger in her face. “You have no idea how this is affecting me. I never want to have this argument with you again.”
“Neither do I!”
“I think we’re amazing together. I love taking care of you. I love doing your yard for you. I love that you help me organize my house, or whatever. Being with you makes me happy. That’s all I want in life: to be with someone who makes me happy.” He frowned, the shadow cast over half his face making his words sound even darker. “I guess it’s just another disappointment to add to my list.”
He stepped back, and the tears flowed from her eyes. “I hate hurting you.”
“Yeah. Well, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you decided to break up with me through a text message.” He seemed miles away now even though he was just beside his car, opening the door. Anxiety came over every nerve in Lillian’s body as she watched him put a foot inside the car. “I’m going to be late. ‘Bye, Lil.”
He backed up and drove away. She stood there, trying to look defiant and strong, until he was long gone. Then her legs fell out from under her and she crumpled to the ground, leaning against the railing of his front steps. The night air was chilly, and she shivered, but the tears were hot. Each one seemed to burn a cavern in her cheeks as it ran down and dripped off her jaw.
She didn’t know how long she stayed there. She didn’t care. Finally, when the tears became fewer and fewer, she locked his house with the key she had put under his backdoor mat and dragged herself back to her house.
Chapter 03
It was a Monday that lived up to the standard of Mondays.
It felt like she’d just fallen asleep by the time her alarm went off. Normally when she woke, she had to squint her eyes when she drew back the curtains because the sun was so bright. Today, however, there was no sun and no trace of light coming from outside. Confused, she opened her blinds and looked out to see a day as dark as evening. Rain streamed down from the gloomy heavens.
It matched her mood.
Lillian sighed and slouched. All her energy had gone. Her eyes felt dry and puffy, and her body was weaker than she remembered it being in a long time. All her efforts to keep her emotions together and be firm in this breakup had washed down the drain.
She drifted through her morning routine with almost no clue of what she was doing. She’d turned into a robot of some sort, not really living but rather existing. More like a zombie—without eating the brains, of course.
Feed the cats.
Eat breakfast.
Take a shower.
Dry hair.
Text Claire to confirm our appointment.
It was only when she realized her first appointment of the morning was with Claire, the client who was adorably nice but a lot to handle in more than small doses, she couldn’t help but let out a frustrated yell and beat her hands on the bed like a child. “This can’t be happening! Everything’s falling to shit!”
It felt good to yell, as if the burden was being relieved for a little while. But when she quieted she heard the stillness in the rest of the house, and the sense of being alone hit her like a ton of bricks.
Now’s not the time to let your feelings get the best of you, Lillian, she told herself, doing a few jumping jacks before going into the bathroom for her shower. You have work to do. You’re an independent woman. You run a successful business. You’ve made your life great.
Despite all these affirmations she kept repeating to herself, she had a hard time telling the difference between the shower stream and her tears.
She checked the time as soon as she got out. Good, I’m not late. That would have really made this a pathetic morning. For the first time since she woke, she dared to peer into the mirror. She looked better than she felt, but that wasn’t saying much.
“Where are my eye drops?” she asked her cats, running through the house in search of the tiny bottle. The cats followed her with their eyes as she ran back and forth, opening all the drawers within reach even though she knew the eye drops weren’t in any of them. It wasn’t even eight-thirty in the morning and already she was dangerously close to her emotional capacity for the day.
She let out another yell that sounded more like a loud whimper, and flopped onto the bed. “You have got to calm down, Lillian!” She rubbed her eyes, trying to center herself. “Claire, in all her sweet, overbearing, nonstop-talking glory, needs you to be there to look at her binder chock-full of ideas for her home that she’ll probably just forget tomorrow.”
Even after working with Claire for over a year, Lillian couldn’t decide whether she loved the woman or couldn’t stand being around her. Probably a mix of both. But even so, getting the focus off herself, knowing that she needed to channel the little strength she had inside her today because someone else needed her, was enough to motivate her to roll off the bed and get to work.
Every step she took felt like she was walking through a bog. She’d eaten breakfast, gotten enough nutrients for the morning, taken her shower, and done her makeup just like she always did on a Monday morning before meeting clients. Usually not getting enough sleep wasn’t this harsh on her.
You had a really freaking emotional day yesterday. Take it easy. Eat the snacks Claire gives you. She knows your trigger foods better than you, probably. There will be no getting sick today. No flare-ups allowed.
Perhaps today Claire was the one she needed to see most. Perhaps Lillian needed that kind of overactive energy to bring her back to reality and move on from the rough argument with Cayden.
How did it end up going so badly? she cried silently in the car. The swishing back and forth of her windshield wipers was hypnotic, and only enticed her to fall asleep while driving. A thousand ideas of how she could have better handled the situation swirled through her mind. She heard her own voice being more rational and practical and considering him before herself when, in fact, she’d done the opposite last night.
She knew she’d handled it badly. Not that he’d handled it great either, not even discussing her worries to bring the fight to a close. He’d just climbed into his car and left for the airport. What does he even do with his car all that time, anyway? Does he pay for parking for a month? A nasty grimace smeared across her face, and she glared at the road in front of her. I’m sure Janine pays for all his expenses. She flew him out there in the first place. The slightest thought of Janine turned her heart black.
The rain made everything slow down, much to her dismay. She didn’t want to be stuck in the car with only her negative thoughts. She wanted, for the first time, to get to Claire’s as soon as possible. There was nothing more she needed now than a distraction.
Distractions never help in the long run, silly. Amelia always said that. She had been a firm believer in dealing with emotions head-on and refusing to admit defeat. “Humans are extremely capable of dealing with any emotion thrown at them,” she loved to tell anyone in a crisis, especially a love crisis. “I’m serious, it’s true. Humans are so resilient. Especially women, and especially emotional women like you, Lillian. You are so resilient, and you don’t even know it yet. Just wait.
You’ll amaze yourself.”
Back then, Lillian had thought Amelia was crazy. Every time she swore she wouldn’t make it out alive, she would just melt into the ground, she’d never try again...and every time, Amelia pulled her up out of that deep, dark hole of misery.
I wish you were here now, Amelia, she wished with all her heart as she parked the car in front of Claire’s house. Why did you have to leave?
Getting her umbrella ready to open as soon as she opened the car door, she listened to the sound of the rain plowing down on the windshield. The way it streamed down after each drop slammed onto the glass looked like the tears of a grieving person. Probably something like what her tears looked like last night.
A movement caught her eye and she squinted to see past the heavy rain. Claire was, as always, standing on her front porch looking at Lillian’s car. Somehow, she saw Lillian look in her direction and began to wave madly.
“Hi, Lillian! Hello!” she shouted in her shrill voice, practically bouncing up and down. Her voice barely made it through the storm, but no storm could overpower Claire’s excitement over the smallest things in life.
“Here goes nothing,” Lillian muttered, and braved the rain.
THE THUNDERSTORM ONLY got worse over the course of the morning. Ionically, Lillian had never been more grateful to have several appointments that day. After Claire, she had about an hour before her phone appointment with a woman who was soon moving from one side of town to the other, and refused to let Lillian see how messy their moving process was.
And even though Claire always made snacks for them while they looked through the hundreds of photos in her “inspiration binder,” Lillian was just about ready to catapult out the door to the nearest café.
Claire had been having a monologue for at least ten minutes. Lillian couldn’t help the fact that her mind was wandering, and reining it back was becoming increasingly difficult.
“Do you see how this room is all white and the furniture’s light gray? That’d be great for accent colors, especially with the new shelves we’re going to put up for my books.” Finally, she took a breath. Lillian wondered how she had gone so long without breathing.
“Claire,” Lillian said, smiling sweetly, trying to keep a light expression on her face despite the oncoming headache. “You know I’m not a real interior designer.”
“I know, silly!” The woman giggled like a child. “But you just have such great taste. I simply have to show you these ideas I have. What do you think?”
“Well, if you’re really asking my opinion, I think the white would help brighten the room since the windows are so small. And I think your new pinewood wall unit would be great.” Leaning forward as if she were letting the woman in on some great secret, she lowered her voice. “I personally am a sucker for accent walls.”
Claire’s eyes lit up like light bulbs. “Oh! Oh, Lillian, that’s an excellent idea!” She was suddenly on her feet, gripping the binder tightly. “You’ve just given me so many things to think about.”
“But I only told you one thing.” Lillian was confused.
“Ah, you think you only told me one thing.” Claire winked. “I know you need to go, so before I keep you any longer you go ahead. Can you take these crackers with you?”
“It’s all right, you keep them. Save them for next week.” She could feel her eyes drooping from the pain of her pounding skull.
“That reminds me, do you think you’re free Friday? I may be away on Monday and I don’t want to keep you on your toes waiting.”
“I might be. I’ll check my schedule over lunch and let you know.”
With a grin dangerously close to being literally ear to ear, Claire took Lillian’s elbow and led her to the front door. It was a normal-sized door, and the top of her head was only half of its height. Lillian always forgot how small she was when they were sitting down “brainstorming.”
“You take care and let me know about Friday, okay?”
“Definitely. Thank you, Claire.” She bent to pick up her umbrella and walked toward the car.
“Thank you, Lillian! See you soon!”
Today of all days, Lillian wished Claire didn’t stand at the front door watching until she drove away. She wished she could just sit there and nap for a few minutes. Last night’s turmoil had really taken a toll on her energy level, and having what little was left drained by Claire—sweet as she was—wasn’t going to help her get through the next three appointments this afternoon.
Coffee. I need coffee. Quickly she closed the umbrella and managed to yank it inside the car before she got soaked. Something about the silence there in the small space of her four-door, the rainfall plunking onto the metal, was more soothing than anything else could have been at this moment. She almost fell asleep in the middle of cranking the engine on.
Trying to be discreet, she peered out the passenger window and saw the tiny shape of Claire, still standing there. Not fidgeting, not shifting her weight to the other foot, just standing there like a highly-interested statue. Some people are truly characters, she thought. Claire is the type of distinct person who makes the world extra interesting.
Before she drove off, she checked her phone to make sure she wasn’t missing anything important. At the top of her notifications was a text from Cayden, sent half an hour ago.
Her heart stopped. Before she knew it, she opened the message to read it.
I made it to L.A. in one piece. Thought you might want to know :)
Lillian slammed her phone down on the seat like it was venomous, feeling suddenly hot and confined. Without waving back at Claire, she pulled into the street and rolled all four windows down a crack to let some chilly autumn air circulate. Small streams of water rolled inside the car, leaving clear streaks in the fogging windows.
Why would he do that? She fumed, angry and distraught all at once. After leaving in the middle of a very heated argument, why would he text me and make it sound like nothing had happened—like we were still together? Did he mean to send the message to someone else? She nodded and tried to breathe, her chest feeling tight. Yeah, that must be it. He must have meant to send that to someone else.
She knew it wasn’t true, but she still entertained the thought just to give her something to fume about. Cayden had said he wasn’t seeing anyone else. Well, she thought he had said that, at least. He had said that he and his client Janine weren’t seeing each other.
That would be the only thing that could possibly shock me in this situation, she couldn’t help but snicker. Cayden doesn’t seem like the older-woman type. For kicks, while she waited on a traffic light, she wondered what would happen if she started dating an older guy. She didn’t know what it would prove to Cayden, but it would make herself feel better. In theory, at least.
Maybe it’s not about the older man or woman. Her thoughts were getting deeper and deeper. Maybe I would just feel better if we saw other people. Unless he already is, judging from the tone of that text. Scowling at the turtle-like speed of the old red car in front of her, she quickly switched lanes. “Too hungry for this shit,” she muttered, glancing out the corner of her eye to see who the driver of the slow car was. Some skinny blonde teenager blaring hippie music, looking like she hadn’t a care in the world.
Lillian pressed the gas pedal down and sped ahead, finally feeling like she was able to take a huge, deep breath. The cold air rushed in, and seemed to direct itself straight to the bottom of her lungs. Going fast felt good. The adrenaline felt good. Hearing the gently falling raindrops slam against her windshield and slide roughly and horizontally past her windows satisfied the red-hot anger she felt.
To be honest, she couldn’t even figure out why she felt angry. Seven stages of grief or something like that, she assumed, but being the contemplative person she was, she wanted to get to the bottom of it and figure out why she was so irritated.
“Always ask why,” Amelia used to say. Somehow, all their deep conversations about existentialism and philosophy always happened in t
he hallway connecting their rooms. It would start with one of them leaning against the other’s doorway with that long, forlorn expression, confessing they needed to talk about something. And eventually they would sit on the floor of the hallway, pressing their feet against the other wall, helping each other process everything that was spinning madly out of control inside them.
“Ask why? Why?” The first time Amelia had given her that advice, Lillian was lost for any sign of logic in it.
“There you go!” Amelia had said, touching the tip of Lillian’s nose like a grandmother. “You’re doing it already. The more you ask ‘why,’ the deeper you’ll go within yourself. You’ll figure out why you’re feeling a certain way in no time.”
It had worked all these years, whenever she was done with harboring her negative emotions. Sometimes she thought it would feel good to stew in the negativity for a while, but of course it never worked in her favor, and instead only pulled her down into the pit again. As many times as she had been there, she was a bit disappointed in herself for not learning sooner that the stewing wasn’t as gratifying as she always hoped it would be.
Why do I feel angry with Cayden? The question felt so vague and giant, like an unidentifiable creature looming over her, so she simmered in that instead of the feeling itself for the last ten-minute stretch of her drive to the café. She took her lunch breaks there between appointments on busy days, so she knew the route well enough to let her conscious mind take a break. She didn’t mean to switch to robot mode while she was driving, especially during a thunderstorm, but it happened anyway. So much so that she didn’t notice her speed had gradually slowed to match that of the teenager she had passed before.
She returned to the present moment when she put the gearshift in park and switched off the engine. The rain had let up enough that it was no longer a furious pounding on every surface it touched. It looked like it was losing energy from its incessant storming the last few hours and slowing down for a nap.
