by Lexy Timms
Her mood matched the slowly-fading energy of the rain. She gathered her thoughts as she sat there, staring out at the parking lot before her. People were rushing to their cars, struggling to climb in and fold their umbrellas at just the right time so they stayed as dry as possible. It would have been funny to see a mother and her daughter scream giddily when both of their thin umbrellas were suddenly pushed inside out by a powerful burst of wind. She would have laughed at it and smiled, wishing she had fun and silly memories with her mother like that, but she didn’t even notice the two people. Her thoughts were still on her introspection.
I’m not mad at Cayden, she reluctantly admitted. I’m mad at myself.
Well, there were some things she was mad at him about. Mostly leaving her in the dust when he had to go catch his plane. Why, though? she wondered, realizing that maybe she had subconsciously tried to keep the argument going so she could have a little more time with him. Fighting or not, she didn’t want to see him go again. It hurt too much to be without him.
She was mad at herself for starting that argument. It could’ve ended well before he left, and they could have parted on a peaceful note. How could she accuse him of ever taking his anger out on her needlessly when she had done the same to him? And even worse, she was angry at herself for breaking up with him in the first place. For being so unconfident that her health was going to improve, that she would be able to one day enjoy all the things he enjoyed and people their ages enjoyed and have a thriving social life just like Cayden had. When she pressed send on that text message, she was so convinced that her poor health right now was going to be her reality forever. That her fragile body would always be this fragile. That she would never be able to give him the kind of relationship he deserved, simply because she couldn’t give it to him right now.
Getting lost in her hopelessness—she hadn’t even realized that was what it was, hopelessness—had driven her to break up with Cayden, the one who had inspired her to start learning the names of flowers and plants, and lighten up in moments she would have been stressed about a tiny thing that didn’t deserve that much stress. They hadn’t been together long, but she couldn’t deny that he had improved her wellbeing in all the areas where her physical health couldn’t match up.
She was mad at herself for not allowing herself to keep something amazing that had happened to her. Someone, rather. Someone who wanted her as much as she wanted him.
What upset her the most is that she hadn’t given it more thought. Big decisions like this are always best thought about until they can’t be thought about any more. She knew it. So why did she, on a whim, type that message about her not being good enough for him and blah, blah, blah? And why on earth had she dared to send it so quickly without rationalizing with herself?
The anger she had felt towards Cayden had shifted to anger with herself over the last few minutes, and now it shifted again to embarrassment. The whole thing was a mistake. Did she still believe that she was good for Cayden? Right now, her lifestyle—the busy work schedule, the trial-and-error health experiments, the days of being sick from running around the city until she was burned out, the lack of social life and the fear of joining his—wasn’t right for him. However, based on how much he had given her a glimpse of what her life could be, starting with learning the names of all the stupid plants he had in his dumb yard, she would have come out of her shell even more over time.
I don’t know how much time, though. She had to keep grasping for some reason not to apologize and try to make it up to Cayden for all the heartbreak she had caused them both. She regretted it, and wished it had never happened. Being away from him was hard, but she never expected it to take this much of a toll on her.
Her stomach grumbled loudly; she couldn’t tell if it was a flare-up waiting to happen or her body screaming “Feed me!” With a little sigh, she picked up her phone and opened his message again.
I made it to L.A. in one piece. Thought you might want to know :)
Yes, she had wanted to know. He knew her too well. Why he would send it as if nothing had happened between them she still didn’t know, and the idea that he meant to send it to someone else still tickled her mind. Maybe he had rebounded. Started something up with someone else when he realized that Lillian wasn’t going to take him back. That would have been really quick, though.
I need to handle this maturely, she told herself. No more rash decisions. I’m paying for it now. There’s no going back.
As she typed she kept reminding herself that he was very nice in his message, and she should be in hers. After their ugly words, he had the guts to let her know he was okay. She needed to be nice, too.
Thanks for letting me know, she responded, reading each word letter by letter. Hope the flight was smooth.
She sent it and started to type the next segment. Within a few words, she saw he had already read her reply. That he was so fast intimidated her a little.
She had to send this while she knew he was there.
Listen, I’m sorry for the fight we had. I shouldn’t have said a lot of those things. I shouldn’t have approached you at all; it was inconsiderate of me. This weekend was a mistake and I’m sorry I pulled you back into this. I want you to be with someone who makes you endlessly happy. We should both see other people. I think it will help put things in perspective.
It sounded good enough. It was simple, nice, and straightforward. Guys didn’t like stuff that beat around the bush. There was no way he could misinterpret this.
She looked back out into the parking lot. The rain had reduced to a drizzle, but the sky still swirled with black clouds. Thunderstorms always helped her center and calm her thoughts; she hoped it would continue through the night. Nothing was more peaceful than curling up in her reading chair with a good book, a cup of tea, and her cat. That was exactly how she wanted to spend her evening after work.
Her phone dinged, and she picked it up without a moment of hesitation. Cayden’s message was short. Are you really going to see other people?
“Well, that was direct,” she muttered, replying, Yes, I will.
It was a complete lie.
I will too, then. Thanks, Lil. Hope work is good.
Something about the way he was so eager to see other people now, and his tone being almost passive- aggressive, annoyed her, but she knew it wouldn’t be wise to focus on it. She couldn’t ignore it completely, but right now she needed to eat lunch and get some work done before her next appointment. Time was ticking, and she had to go into the café sometime.
Not worrying about the rain, she stepped out of the car and slowly opened her umbrella. A little rain wouldn’t kill her; the cold drops felt good on her face. It made her feel human in a weird way. Still, she didn’t want her clothes to get soaked. Locking the car, she strolled to the café. In the eerie silence of the storm’s lull, time seemed to slow down.
Mechanically, she stood in line to order a latte and a panini just like she always did. She had gotten here just before the main lunch rush, so she had her pick of tables. The small one in the corner caught her eye; it was small enough that she wouldn’t have to share when the rush happened.
And that’s why you have no social life, Lillian, she thought sarcastically, but right now her hunger had grown to the point that she didn’t care.
While she waited for her food she tried to do some planning for her next appointment, but she couldn’t keep her attention on it to save her life. She tried answering emails, but couldn’t even read them without running her eyes over the same line twenty times without understanding.
Frustrated, she closed her laptop as a waiter set her latte down. She smiled sweetly and took a sip, afraid to mess up the lotus flower design in the foam. It was so pretty and perfect. Her mind shut off; her eyes locked on the foamy flower for an undetermined amount of time.
She blinked slowly, feeling the exhaustion from a sleepless night and her morning with Claire setting in. Sleep was getting harder and harder to ward off, but her da
y was far from over.
Her phone rang loudly, jolting her mind awake. Seizing it quickly so she wouldn’t be a bother to the other customers, she answered it before she could see who it was.
“Hello?” Her voice sounded grainy.
“Hello, hello, hello,” the caller rumbled into her ear, and immediately she knew who belonged to that deep smiling voice.
“Andrew!” she exclaimed. “I’ve been thinking about you lately. We must have some sort of telepathy going on.” Really, she had been thinking about his sister Amelia lately, but she didn’t want to ruin the mood. Even though Amelia had passed a few years ago Lillian and Andrew had only recently reconnected, and the wounds of losing her were still fresh.
“How’s it going, girl? Life treating you well?”
“You act like we haven’t seen each other in forever.”
“It has been forever. A few months, right?”
“A few months, forever, same thing.” Hearing the voice of her surrogate brother lifted her spirits exponentially. “How are you?”
“Good, good. I’m coming to your neck of the woods for business again. Just found out a couple of days ago and decided to call you up.”
Andrew coming into town was exactly what Lillian needed right now. Suffering from this breakup by herself was the worst, and since Andrew had met Cayden when he was in town last he would be able to understand where she was coming from. “When are you coming? You’ll stay with me, right?”
“Well...” Andrew trailed off. “So, as you already know, my higher-ups like to send me places at the drop of a hat. I’m actually already in town.”
Her heart thudded from excitement. “That’s perfect. Seriously.”
“It’s short notice, I know.”
“I don’t even care. I desperately need someone to talk to. You can go ahead to my house. The spare key is above the door frame.”
Andrew coughed. “You’re a lot more enthusiastic than I had expected, and that’s saying something.”
“It’s been a long week.”
“It’s only Monday.”
“Exactly.”
Now he was starting to get the picture that something was going on. “You want to talk?”
The same waiter came over and put her food on the table. “Thank you,” Lillian said, seeing the line to order had gotten much longer. “Andrew, I’m eating lunch right now and I have a busy afternoon. I definitely need to vent to you tonight.” She sighed. “You have no idea how glad I am that you’re in town now, of all times.”
“Me...too?”
“Listen, I can’t guarantee that the house is super clean, but the sheets on the guest bed are clean. I’ll probably be home around six.”
“Good. I’ll get dinner for us. Is Cayden coming?”
Hearing his name dropped her heart to the floor. “No, he’s in Los Angeles.”
“Oh. All right, then. I’ll see you later.”
Lillian put the phone down and immediately dug into her sandwich, like it was the first food she had eaten in days. Am I stress-eating or happy-eating that Andrew is here? It didn’t matter. She wasn’t alone anymore. For the next couple of days, at least.
The afternoon suddenly didn’t seem so dreary as it had before.
“I THINK I COULDN’T take the thought of holding him down until I get better,” she finished. She had been spurting out everything she was feeling for the last ten minutes, and Andrew was somehow still listening attentively from his lounging position on the couch. The fleeting thought that maybe Andrew was glad about the breakup popped into her mind—Andrew had confessed to having some feelings for her last time he was here, but she had made it clear she didn’t reciprocate those feelings.
“I think breaking up was best,” he said simply.
The shortness of his answer confused her. “That’s it?”
“Yeah,” he said, shifting positions. “Even though you both really loved each other—and I know that because I saw it last time—you’re putting him ahead of yourself. Or so it seems to me.”
“You don’t think it was wrong?”
“Doesn’t seem wrong to me. What were his thoughts on it all?”
“I don’t know, really. I think he thought it was all nonsense. But I know he’ll realize later that this was the best thing for us.”
Andrew grunted, and scratched his chin. The way the shadows fell around his face made him look so much like Amelia right now. Lillian looked away. She couldn’t bear to miss Amelia any more than she already did.
“I texted him today,” she said. “I told him we should see other people. That it would help put things in perspective.”
“Perhaps, yeah.”
“Is it too late to be talking about this?”
“Nah.”
She frowned. “I’ve been monologuing.”
“You have, but I’m honored that you can talk about it with me.”
“Of course I can.” She stood up and stretched her arms toward the ceiling. “I don’t even know how I’m still functioning right now after no sleep last night.”
“You’re past the point of tired.” Andrew stood and patted her on the back. “Go to bed. Is it okay if I move my car into the driveway? I’m leaving early in the morning.”
“Sure, go ahead.” She yawned. “I might be unconscious when you come back in.”
He chuckled. “I wouldn’t doubt it. See you in the morning.” Grabbing his keys from the hook by the front door, he ran through the steady rain to his car. Lillian went to kitchen for water, but heard a strange noise from outside. Walking back to the front door, she opened it a crack and peeked out.
Andrew’s car’s headlights were on, but his engine wasn’t starting. The sputtering and spurting sounded more like an alien spaceship than a car engine. After several more tries Andrew slumped in the driver’s seat, turned the lights off, and ran back to the house.
“Guess I’m parking in the street tonight,” he grumbled, shaking the raindrops from his hair. “It’s old, anyway. Maybe it’ll be better in the morning.”
“It’s not a human, Andrew. Cars don’t heal like that.” Jokingly, she pinched his cheek. “Take my car.”
“Your car?”
“Not permanently,” she said laughing, “but use it tomorrow.”
“You don’t need it?”
Lillian shook her head. “I try to schedule one or two really busy days a week, so I can work from home the next day.”
A smile spread across Andrew’s face. “You’re a very smart cookie.”
“I know.” She winked.
“If you insist, then I’ll take it.”
“You don’t really have another option, do you?”
“Good point.” He yawned, and she caught it. Laughing at their synchronized yawning, Andrew put an arm around Lillian and guided her to her room. “Go to sleep, missy. You have raccoon eyes, you’re so tired.”
“I won’t protest.”
“Let me take you to dinner tomorrow.”
It was a blunt statement that caught her sleepy self off-guard. Since he had admitted to his feelings before, she wasn’t sure how to take it. But she had told Cayden she was moving on, and maybe this was the first step even though she didn’t like Andrew romantically.
“Are you sure?”
He nodded. “Absolutely. Consider it a thank-you for letting me crash here without any notice.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“Then consider it an ‘I’m sorry for your breakup’.”
“It’s got nothing to do with you.”
“Would you please just let me take you to dinner because you’re amazing and you deserve a great meal?” The glimmer in his eyes spurred a drowsy grin onto her lips.
“Fine,” she agreed, sticking out her tongue.
“Good.” Andrew disappeared into the hallway, calling behind him, “’Night, Lillian!”
“Goodnight, Andrew,” she called back, sinking into her bed at the same time she sank into a dark, dreamless slumber.
Chapter 04
Installing security cameras on the corners of his house wasn’t something Cayden felt the need to tell Lillian.
When he had the guy come connect them, he was sure she’d noticed them. It happened in the middle of the day on a Friday. Back when they were still together, and he knew she was going to be at home working all day. Fridays were also the day his yard guy came to trim the bushes and cut the grass, so maybe she thought the noise was just more beautification work being done. The whole neighborhood was used to him giving his front yard the royal treatment by now.
Then they broke up, and in the long hours before he boarded the plane to go back home and hopefully clear things up with Lillian, he found himself watching the cameras incessantly. He would wake up every couple of hours to check and make sure she was okay. See if anything was noticeably amiss. She had sounded different in the breakup text than compared to her usual casual voice. Maybe it was his own frenzy of panic and shock at the suddenness of it—having no warning whatsoever and all—but he was convinced she sounded too calm for things to be okay. She must be going through something tough. Maybe her mind got away with her again; he knew how she would fixate on something and make herself believe something totally irrational about a situation. That had to be the case. Distance wasn’t ideal between them, but surely it wouldn’t so abruptly end their relationship like this.
Right?
The plane ride back to L.A. felt so long he was sure he boarded the wrong one and was going to end up overseas. There was no option to purchase wi-fi, and he had already adopted the habit of checking his cameras every time he thought about it (which was all the time). He felt in the dark and very disconnected. Certainly something was happening right now that would explain what was going on. At least if she couldn’t talk to him about it, maybe he could see it.
It was sort of wrong. He hadn’t put them up to spy on her. He’d done it to keep an eye on his house when he was away. The view of her place just happened to be on one, maybe two of the cameras. Not planned.
The whole weekend he was home, Lillian never mentioned the cameras. They were small. Barely noticeable, in fact. His paycheck from Janine was plenty enough for him to buy the best technology on the market. It was worth it, in his eyes. He could watch his house. But, if he was being honest, he wanted to make sure he could keep an eye on Lillian when he wasn’t there physically. Not to spy on her, but because she wasn’t well. No one else seemed to be worried. Not her family, at least. Someone needed to help. It might as well be him. At one point right after he saw how great his outdoor cameras were, he caught himself thinking about ways he could keep an eye on Lillian inside. That way he would know if she had passed out from another flare-up. Without him there, no one would ever find her. What if she hit her head and lay there for hours?
