Death A La Mode

by Tawdra Kandle

  “I’m seriously not. It’s a little daring, a little risky, and I don’t need any naysaying. This kitchen is a no-negativity zone.” I spread my arms wide. “Finish your oatmeal and then hit the road. Go to your house and work on those edits you’ve been putting off all week.”

  Lucas heaved a sigh. “Fine. Oh, hey, before I forget, though—Crissy texted me and invited us to come hear her tonight. It’s her first time performing since Maddy died.”

  “Was murdered, you mean.”

  “Yes, Jackie, thanks for keeping me straight on that. I might’ve forgotten that important fact.” He waited a beat, as though to see whether I’d respond to his sarcasm, and when I didn’t, he went on. “Anyway, Crissy’s singing tonight at some beach bar a little up the coast. What do you think? Want to go?”

  I considered. “Actually, I’d love to go. I’m pretty sure this recipe is going to be the one, and if it is, I’ll be in the mood to celebrate.”

  “Great. I’ll let her know.”

  I stood up and began to clear the table. “So now Crissy Darwin’s texting you? Is this something I should be worried about? I know your track record with younger women.”

  Lucas rolled his eyes. “No, you should not be worried. First of all, I don’t see her that way. She’s a nice kid who happens to be involved in a terrible situation. Second, she doesn’t see me that way, either. And she knows you’re my girlfriend. She likes you.”

  “Has she heard anything else from the police, about Maddy?”

  Lucas picked up his bowl and carried it to the sink. “I guess they confirmed that it was poison. Strychnine, cut with something else that sped up how fast it acted. They found the guy who delivered the food to the office building. He said usually, he calls up to whoever ordered the food and tells them he’s in the lobby so they can come down to pay him and take the food, but this time, someone met him there, paid him and took the food up. Had the names and everything, so he thought it was cool.”

  “So do they think that’s where the poisoning happened?”

  “It’s the only place in the whole process where it could’ve happened, assuming it wasn’t someone at the restaurant or the delivery guy, and both of those seem unlikely. Crissy said they’re having the delivery guy work with a police artist, and they’ll release the sketch tomorrow.”

  “The cat’ll be out of the bag about it being murder, then.”

  “It will. Which is another reason I thought it’d be good for us to be at her performance tonight.”

  “I’m on board. I can’t wait for you to hear her sing.”

  Lucas nodded, but his eyes were focused somewhere over my shoulder. “How long is it going to take you to make this pie? I was thinking maybe we’d go down a little early, walk on the beach. Eat dinner before Crissy goes on.”

  “The beach is always a good plan. I’ll be done by lunch time, I think, unless I’ve really messed up the measures. Should we say early afternoon?”

  “I’ll be ready by then. Guess I’ll tackle these edits, as someone so subtly suggested.” He kissed me and tweaked my nose. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

  By the time Lucas came to the door, calling to me, I was dressed and waiting. We let Makani out for a quick turn around the yard, then locked the door behind us as we left.

  “Okay, so tell me. How did this recipe turn out? Was it everything you hoped?”

  I grinned. “And then some. It’s perfect. I think it’s going to have a real good shot at beating Bitsy.”

  “Congratulations. Is that a weight off your mind?”

  “It really is. And you know, between talking to Crissy and Mrs. Colby about Al, I feel like he was a part of this whole process. I know it sounds weird, but it’s almost like I found him again. Does that sound crazy?”

  “Jacks, nothing sounds crazy to me anymore. I think that’s great. I know how much you’ve been missing him.”

  We drove along the coast with the windows down, taking the beach road instead of the highway. It took a little longer, but we still arrived in Crystal Cove before four o’clock. It was my favorite kind of autumn beach weather: the sun was warm, but not hot, the breeze was cooling without being chilling, and the sand was practically empty.

  After he parked the car, Lucas turned to me, an expression I couldn’t quite read on his face. “So I have a surprise for you. I hope you’ll like it.”

  Surprises were so not my favorite thing. I pinned him with a dark look. “Lucas, what’ve you done?”

  “Hey, are you two going to sit in the car all day or get out and be sociable?”

  I jerked in my seat, turning to look out the open window where Rafe Brooks stood, grinning down at me. I pushed open my door and hopped out.

  “Rafe! What’re you doing here?” I hugged him, and he wrapped his strong arms around me in a tight embrace. Rafe was nearly twenty years my junior, but outside Lucas and Al, I’d never been more comfortable with a guy. There wasn’t anything icky about it; we connected on a deep level and had an inordinate amount of affection for each other. It helped that we shared a wicked sense of humor, an irreverence that drove his Carruthers boss, Cathryn Whitmore, absolutely crazy.

  “Lucas called this morning and told us you guys were coming here.” He reached back to draw his girlfriend Nell forward, slinging an arm over her shoulder. Nell Massler wasn’t precisely beautiful; her coloring was startling, with her jet black hair and her vibrant blue eyes. Her skin was so pale as to be nearly translucent. At first glance, she and Rafe seemed to be an odd couple, but I knew they were deeply and passionately in love.

  “And you two just happened to be in the neighborhood?”

  Nell smiled. It was a rare occurrence that she did, and I lapsed into silence, realizing that actually she was extraordinarily lovely.

  “We were here in September, and I liked the burgers.” She glanced up to Rafe, and his arm tightened around her.

  “That’s true. Hey, what can I say? We missed you guys. After our big bonding experience, life seemed a little too quiet without you around.”

  I laughed. “I find that hard to believe. You’re in the hub of things, figuring out everything that’s going down with the Hive. Isn’t that enough excitement?”

  “You’re not wrong. Things are happening fast and furious.” His gaze flickered to Lucas. “It’s going to get intense, buddy. I hope you’re ready.”

  Lucas held his eyes. “I hope so, too.” He shifted to smile at Nell. “Hey, why don’t we go in and grab some seats? Rafe said you have a story to tell about when you were here before. Something about a haunted hotel?” He offered the younger woman his arm.

  “What about us?” Hands on my hips, I tilted my head. “Aren’t Rafe and I invited?”

  “I thought we might go for a walk on the beach.” Rafe gestured toward the surf with a jerk of his head. “It was a long drive over here. I’d like some exercise before we eat.”

  “Sounds like a good idea. We’ll be waiting inside. Take your time.” Lucas and Nell wandered away from us.

  I scowled at my boyfriend’s departing back. “What is this, an intervention?”

  Rafe took my hand. “Kind of. But not so much what you think.” He pulled me toward the steps that led down to the ocean. “Come on. Let’s walk a little.”

  For the first five minutes, neither of us spoke. I slid off my shoes as we stepped onto the sand and dangled them between two fingers. Rafe toed off his sneakers and left them under the dune steps, rolling up his pants to keep them dry.

  The water was cold, and I shivered as it washed over my feet. Rafe sighed as he looked out over the endless blue waves.

  “Nothing like the beach to remind us of our own finiteness, huh? When faced with what looks like infinity, I mean.”

  “Uh huh.” Whatever this was all about, I didn’t plan to make it easy on him.

  “Jackie, I’m not going to give you a bunch of psychological bullshit. That’s Zoe deal, and Lucas says you don’t want to talk to her anymore. Which is cool. I get
it. I mean, I love Zoe now, but when I first met her, I hated what she did.” He slowed and laughed a little. “Actually, the first time I met her was in New Orleans, and I didn’t know she worked for Carruthers. We were on a battlefield, and . . . well, it doesn’t matter now. But she wanted to dig into crap I didn’t want to touch, and I found that fucking annoying.”

  I nodded. “Exactly. And there’s only so much you can say. I told her everything, and then what was left? She couldn’t change how it felt. She couldn’t go back in time and change what happened to me. She can’t make me forget what it felt like when Delia pushed me down deep into my own mind, until I thought I was dead. And she can’t make me un-hear Delia’s screams as Lucas pulled her out of me and sent her . . . back.”

  “But I can.” Rafe stopped and gripped my upper arms. “Jackie, how much do you know about what I can do?”

  I scrunched up my forehead. “You’re a manipulator. You can influence people’s thoughts and perceptions, right? Kind of make them do things they might not otherwise do?”

  “Yeah, that’s right. I influence. It’s not easy to convince people to do something huge that’s against their will. It’s much easier to manipulate emotions. Push on desires they already have.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “But I can also influence the perception of time. And I can make people forget things.”

  For a few beats, I was confused, and then understanding dawned. “You’re offering to make me forget what happened with Delia?”

  Rafe shrugged. “I’m just saying it’s option.” His mouth twisted into a parody of a smile. “I almost did it that day. Before you came around. I thought, I could easily make you forget everything. Save you a lot of pain and angst.”

  “Why didn’t you?” I whispered.

  He looked down at me, his green eyes full of understanding. “Because I feel pretty strongly that if it’s possible, people should be free to decide what they remember and what they don’t.”

  “Have you ever done it? Changed memories without people knowing it?”

  Rafe’s face shuttered. “I have. A few times. Once when a friend asked me to do it, out of compassion for someone we knew. Another time . . . when that same friend had become very important to me, and then she broke my heart. We were still in high school, and I couldn’t stand our classmates whispering, talking about it . . . so I wiped their memories.”

  “What about hers? Did you wipe hers, too?”

  He shook his head. “No. I wanted Tasmyn to remember me. To remember us. It was important to me at the time.”

  Tasmyn. The name rang a bell in my head, but I pushed that aside for now. “Any other times?”

  He laughed, but there wasn’t any real mirth. “Just about every night for four months, the summer after high school graduation. You remember when Nell told you I was a man-whore? She wasn’t wrong. I slept my way through more cities than I care to admit. And every time I did, I wiped the woman’s memory.”

  The thought of that made me reel. “All those women? How could you do that?”

  His mouth tightened. “I did what I thought I needed to do. And I probably would’ve kept right on doing it, if I hadn’t met a woman who called me on my shit. She knew me, had studied up on me, and when I slept with her and tried to erase her memory, she blocked me. That was a game-changer.”

  I blinked. “It was Joss, wasn’t it?” I’d heard bits and pieces about the Carruthers agent who’d died saving Rafe’s life on a Hive commune in Georgia, and then I’d met her when she’d returned as a ghost the same day I was possessed.

  Life—and death—as a Carruthers agent—or even the girlfriend of a part-time agent—was complicated.

  “Yeah, it was.” His tone was carefully neutral.

  “How’s that going, by the way? Having Joss hanging around, I mean.”

  Rafe quirked one eyebrow. “Let’s just say when Lucas asked if we wanted to come down here and meet you two, I didn’t have to think about it. Don’t get me wrong. Nell isn’t jealous. And Joss is just as cool about stuff now that she’s a, um, ghost as she was when she was alive. But still. It’s a little wearing sometimes to have both my dead ex-girlfriend and my very-much-alive forever girlfriend both in the picture.”

  I giggled. “I can only imagine.”

  “But we’re not here to talk about me. This is about you, Jackie. Do you want me to wipe your memory?”

  I hesitated. “What would happen? What would I remember, and what would I forget?”

  “I’m good at what I do, Jackie. You’d remember everything except the time when Delia was in control.”

  “Would it just be a blank?”

  “No, you’d remember sitting on the sofa next to me.”

  I kicked at a wave that rolled over my toes. “Is there any risk? Like, that I might forget some really important stuff?”

  Rafe shook his head. “No. I work like a neurosurgeon. Very precise.” He paused. “The memories aren’t exactly gone, Jackie. You just don’t access them. But they can come back, under extreme circumstances. I wouldn’t think it would be the case with you. But I need to say it.”

  I stooped to gather a handful of sand and let it sift through my fingers. “Would you do it? If you were me?”

  He didn’t miss a beat before answering. “No. I wouldn’t choose to forget anything, not even the most painful stuff. And believe me, I’ve been tempted. But then, I’m not you, and I didn’t go through what you did. I can’t make the call for you.”

  I bit my lip. “Does Lucas think I should do it?”

  Rafe patted my back. “You should probably ask him that, but honestly? I don’t think he cares. He just wants you to have some peace. I don’t think he cares how it happens.”

  For several minutes, I stood staring out over the ocean, thinking about what Rafe was offering me. I could forget Delia. I wouldn’t have to hear her screams, hear her begging me not to make her leave. It would be over. I’d have peace.

  But at what cost? Lucas would still remember that I’d been possessed. So would everyone else who’d been in that room, and when it came down to it, forgetting what had happened wouldn’t change the fact that it had in fact taken place. Taking this path almost felt . . . cowardly. Like taking the easy way out. I hadn’t asked to be possessed, but I was, and it had changed me.

  “Do you think it’s possible that things happen for a reason? What if something good was supposed to come out of this, and by forgetting it, I miss out? Or I miss something I’m supposed to do?”

  “I do believe that. I believe in fate, and I believe in serendipity. I know that I went through hell, more than once, but it had to be that way for me to get here, now. And I wouldn’t change the here and now for anything. Even as fucked-up as it is, with the world ending and all.” He winked at me.

  I squeezed his hand. “Thank you, Rafe. Thanks for being willing to help me, and coming down here to talk. I think I’m going to keep my memories. I just need to figure out a way to deal with them.”

  Rafe nodded. “How do you plan to do that? I’m willing to listen, if you think talking to me would help. Nell would be willing, too. She’s not exactly the most compassionate person all the time, but I think she’d surprise you. She likes you, and Nell doesn’t give her affection easily.”

  “I appreciate that. I don’t know what will help me. I’ve tried thinking about it, not thinking about, pretending it never happened . . . but I can’t stop hearing Delia. Rafe, I feel so damn guilty about sending her back. She was terrified. She pleaded with me not to make her go. But I did. I pushed her out, and then Lucas sent her back to the gray place.”

  “Jackie.” Rafe’s eyes were pained. “First of all, you had every right to push her out. She was occupying your body. You didn’t invite her in or agree to let her visit. She forced her way in, possessed you and tried to keep you from coming back. You did what you had to do. Second, there’s a reason Delia’s in that gray place. I don’t think she was evil, but she did some bad thing
s. The only redeeming part of her was the part that loved Joss and took care of her.”

  I drew in a shaky breath. “I know all that logically. But it still feels wrong.”

  Rafe pulled me close into a friendly, comforting hug. I let him hold me for a minute before I pulled back.

  “Jackie, I think I know where you need to start. Talk to Lucas. Tell him what you told me. Explain why you’re struggling. Let him in. You won’t begin to heal until you do that.” He tugged on a lock of my hair. “And then maybe the two of you can get better together. That’s the best way, you know?” He waggled his eyebrows at me. “Nell and I learned that. She says we both come with a ton of baggage, and if we don’t let the other help carry it, we’re both suffering. Let Lucas take a bag or two. I promise you, he can handle it.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  “Let’s head back now. It’s starting to get dark, and I’m a little worried about what trouble Lucas and Nell might get into if left to their own devices too long.”

  We strolled in peaceful silence. Just as we turned to head for the steps, I caught Rafe’s hand. “How did you get to be so smart when you’re still such a kid?”

  He grinned. “Well, it wasn’t clean living, baby.”

  “THIS PLACE IS hopping!” I had to yell to be heard over the noise of the crowd gathering in the bar as Rafe and I joined Nell and Lucas.

  Lucas slid his arm around my waist and pulled me against him, his eyes searching mine. I smiled and lifted my mouth to his, meeting his lips in a more open kiss than we’d shared in weeks.

  “Thank you,” I whispered into his ear.

  He leaned back, his brows drawn together. “For what?”

  “For loving me enough to offer me an out. Even if I didn’t take it, I’m glad I had the option.”

  He traced one finger along my jaw. “Did it help? Talking with Rafe, I mean?”

  “I think so.” I caught his hand and pressed my lips into the center of his palm. “We’ll talk later. I promise.”

  “I’ll hold you to that.”

  Our high-top table was covered with baskets of appetizers, and Rafe flagged down a passing waitress so we could order drinks.