The Girl I Was Before_'A Fun Feel Good Read'

by Izzy Bayliss

  I knew it was ridiculous to be putting so much effort in, when we would only be talking through our finances, but I wanted him to see me at my best. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me looking broken. I needed any confidence boost I could get. I put a conditioning treatment into my hair and lay soaking in some Jo Malone bubble bath that Frankie had given me for my birthday. It was the kind of thing I would never dream of buying for myself – it was far too posh and expensive. I was almost afraid to use it; I kept keeping it for very special occasions, which meant I had only used it twice before – once on my wedding day and then last Valentine’s Day. When I got out I smoothed baby oil all over my skin and put on my dressing gown. I put some large rollers in my hair as usual trying to curl hair that just didn’t want to be curled, but I was persistent. I put on my red jersey wrap dress – it was dressy without looking like I’d gone to too much trouble – I debated whether or not to wear heels, but Marc knew that I barely wore them going out, let alone around the house, so I put on a pair of cream pumps instead. I took the rollers out of my hair and looked at my reflection in the mirror in dismay; my hair appeared more bendy than curly. When would I ever learn? I put some cupcakes that I had made yesterday onto a plate and casually left them on the living room table. Then all I had to do was wait. And wait. By 8.15 he still hadn’t come, I checked my phone for the billionth time in case he had been trying to get hold of me but he hadn’t. Finally at twenty-five to nine, the bell went. “Marc,” I said opening back the door. “Come in.”

  “Lily- how are you?”

  “I'm good thanks –”

  He came in the door and briefly looked around the room.

  “Sit down. Would you like a cupcake?” I offered him the plate. We were both being overly polite and formal, and we knew it. I sat back against the sofa with one arm placed on the arm of it in what I hoped was an elegant pose. I had seen Kate Middleton do it in Hello magazine.

  “These are nice – where did you get them?” he asked through a mouthful of cake.

  “Oh I made them myself,” I said trying to sound nonchalant.

  “Really – wow they taste just like the M&S ones.”

  This grated on me – they tasted a hell of a lot better, but I let it go.

  We sat eating our buns, neither one wanting to be the first to raise the subject.

  “You look great, Lily.”

  “Do I?” I was secretly chuffed.

  “You’ve lost weight.”

  “Thanks.”

  “So do you,” I lied. If I was completely honest with myself, as much as I loved him – he looked ridiculous. Nadia had obviously taken to styling him, but it just didn’t work. He was too big a build to suit the blue skinny jeans and grey cardigan that he was wearing. It was a look best left to Harry Styles.

  “So what have you been doing with yourself?” he asked.

  “Oh this and that.”

  “How’s work?”

  “I got fired actually.”

  “What?”

  “Well it’s not as bad as it sounds – you knew I was fed up in the place for years, I’ve been meaning to find something else, so it just gave me the kick up the backside that I needed.”

  “But how are you managing financially?” He sounded panicked.

  “Well I’ve set up my own business.”

  “You? You have your own business?” He was looking at me sceptically.

  “Yes, Marc – me. I’m making cakes, buns and all kinds of sweet treats. It’s called Baked with Love,” I said proudly. "I've had a lot of changes over the last few months.”

  “I see . . .”

  Was I mistaken or did he seem a bit peeved?

  “Look, Marc – I hate to bring it up because you know me, I hate talking about money but I’m really worried about the mortgage. I can barely cover it each month, and I already have Dad helping me out -”

  “Yeah, I know sorry, Lily – I’m pretty broke at the moment.”

  “That is why you called over, isn’t it? To talk about the icky money stuff?”

  “What? Oh no . . . I know we need to talk about it but can we do it again sometime? I couldn’t face that now . . .” He didn’t seem himself. He was distracted.

  “Oh I see . . . look is everything okay with you, Marc?”

  “Ah yeah –”

  I could tell by his tone, he wanted me to ask him more.

  “How’s Nadia?” I tried to keep the contempt out of my voice.

  “Yeah she’s okay - y’know yourself . . .”

  “No I don’t know actually.”

  He smiled at me. “Look, Lily if I’m honest – I miss you. I miss this -” He gestured around the room. “I miss us,” he said lowering his gaze to the floor.

  I was speechless. Had I heard him correctly? What was going on with him?

  “But, Marc – this was your choice, I was happy with us,” I said softly.

  “I know, Lily and I’m sorry. For everything." He paused for a minute. "Look, this was a bad idea – I’d better go . . .” He stood up and before I could say anything else, he had walked back out through the door again. I ran out after him watching him take the concrete steps two at a time before quickly making his way over to where his car was parked. He got inside and soon he had drove off out of sight.

  I hurried back inside and rang Frankie straight away to analyse.

  “So what do you think? Should I ring him?” I asked her biting down on my lip.

  “Do not ring him, Lily – I repeat, Do. Not. Ring. Him.”

  “But it sounds like he has regrets, doesn’t it?”

  “Well, it’s hard to say, Lily – he has an awful lot of making up to do. He can’t just waltz back into your life that easily.”

  “I know but it sounds like he wants me back doesn’t it?” I just wanted her to confirm what I hoped was true.

  “Be careful, Lily – he has already hurt you badly. You need to be sure before you do anything else.”

  I knew she had my best interests at heart, but sometimes I just wished she would jump up and down with me.

  “I'm a big girl, Frankie, I'm not naïve. Of course I'm not going to roll-over and welcome him back with open arms but I think he is finally coming to his senses!” I couldn't keep the excitement from my voice.

  “Look, Lily – just wait and see, yeah? If he really is sorry and wants you back – he will do anything to show you how he feels.”

  “Yeah you’re right, I suppose.”

  I spent the whole night tossing and turning, wondering what was going on in his head. Was he having second thoughts about leaving me? He had looked lost and confused and instead of being angry like I should have been, I actually felt pity for him. A small part of me wanted to ring him and tell him to come home, that all was forgiven. But I knew I needed to be careful, even if he begged me to take him back, things could never go back to the way they were before. And how could I ever begin to trust him again after that level of betrayal? My head was swimming with questions that I didn't have an answer for. All I could do was to wait and see, but God waiting was so hard.

  Chapter 17

  I tried to put my head down over the next few days and keep myself busy, but I could not stop thinking and obsessing over Marc. The thoughts were a constant loop inside my head. It was like he had been about to tell me something the other evening, but had lost his nerve and then he had left. It was so hard not to pick up the phone but whenever I felt the urge to call him, I rang Frankie instead and wrecked her head by going over it all again.

  I had received the most romantic request from a man who wanted to propose to his girlfriend using cupcakes, each with a letter iced on top spelling out “J-E-S-S-I-C-A–W-I-L-L–Y-O-U–M-A-R-R-Y–M-E-?” I was nearly in tears as he explained how wonderful and special she was and he couldn’t keep the excitement out of his voice when he spoke about her. This was one of the best parts of my new job – I was honoured to be able to help him out. I had made and iced all the buns, and was jus
t boxing them up, when I noticed that I had spelled out “J-E-S-S-I-M-A–W-I-L-L–Y-O-U–C-A-R-R-Y–M-E-?” That would not go down well – I could potentially ruin the most important moment in this couple’s life. I needed to pull myself together. I gave myself a stern talking to, but inevitably I would concentrate for five minutes before my mind would start to wander again.

  Just then my phone rang, startling me out of my thoughts. I groaned when I saw it was Clara. I held the phone in place between my shoulder and ear while I continued on with my cupcakes. She didn't mention anything about Marc or my job as I expected her to, so I knew she wanted something. Sure enough, a minute later she was asking me if I would babysit for her because her long-suffering au pair, Tatiana, had let her down. Clara was furious as she recounted how they were meant to be going to a partner's dinner for Tom’s law firm, but when she had said it to Tatiana she had refused point blank to reschedule her date with her boyfriend. I had to stifle a laugh – I was glad to see that Tatiana was finally standing up for herself. As I had nothing better to do, I offered to do it – plus I liked having the boys to myself for a while. I always felt it did them good to let loose a bit. I loved seeing their excited little faces when they watched in amazement as I took out sweets from my bag and turned on Sponge Bob Square Pants. Treats and TV were such a rarity for them, let alone having both together.

  “Now, Lily there is to be no sweets or television!” Clara reprimanded me as if she could read my mind.

  “Of course not!” I lied.

  ***

  I arrived over to Clara’s just in time to see Tatiana heading out the door in a teeny tiny purple bodycon dress that only an eighteen-year old Russian girl could get away with. I eyed her slim body and never-ending tanned legs enviously. Clara looked Tatiana up and down before giving her dagger eyes, but thankfully Tatiana was oblivious as she skipped out the door to have wild sex with her lover.

  After Clara and Tom had left, I had just teed the boys up in front of the TV with bowls of popcorn and Maltesers mixed in through it as a double treat when my phone rang. When I saw it was Marc, I immediately jumped up and went outside the room to answer it so the boys couldn’t hear me.

  “Marc, hi –” I was breathless after my quick exit from the room. I really was going to have to go to the gym, especially with all my baking. All my weight loss from my heartbreak diet was rapidly starting to go back on.

  “Hi, Lily.”

  He sounded depressed.

  “Is everything okay, Marc?”

  “Yeah – I just wanted to talk to you that’s all.”

  “Oh sure, how’re things?”

  “Yeah – okay.” He sounded like a sulky teenager.

  “Right.”

  “Are you at home?” he asked suddenly.

  “No I’m babysitting for Clara.”

  “Oh I see,” he said sadly.

  “Auntie Lily –” Jacob was pulling at my leg.

  “Just one minute, my love, I’m on the phone.”

  “Auntie Lily –” He was persistent.

  “Just one sec, Jacob – this is really important, just go back in for one minute and I’ll get us some Curly Wurlys from my bag. How about that?”

  “But, Auntie Lily, Joshua is getting sick.”

  “What?” Did these children not understand? Dear God, why oh why now? It was possibly one of the most important phone calls of my entire life and then this had to happen. They had a brilliant sense of timing.

  “I’ll have to ring you back, Marc, sorry.”

  “Sure, Lily, okay . . .” He sounded so down.

  As I went back into Tweedledum and Tweedledee, the stench of vomit greeted me. I wanted to gag.

  “Me eat too much, Auntie Ni-ni,” Joshua sobbed.

  “There, there, it’s okay now.” I stood in front of the mess and wondered where I would even start. Brown and orange lumpy puke trailed down the front of Joshua’s pyjamas right down to the floor where it covered Clara’s cream wool carpet. They had obviously eaten spaghetti bolognese for dinner. Did I clean up the child first or the carpet? Child or carpet? Obviously the child was more important, but this was Clara’s cream carpet we were talking about here.

  “Ni-ni, I sorry,” he convulsed into tears.

  I felt awful then. I wanted to cry with him. I’m bad with other people’s sick.

  “It’s okay, baby, here let's get you out of these clothes.” I went to lift him up, but it was impossible to find anywhere on his clothing that wasn’t covered in vomit, so eventually I lifted him up underneath his armpits, held him out from my body and carried him out to the bathroom. I placed him straight into the bathtub and took off his clothes as carefully as I could, so the sick wouldn't touch me. When I had him undressed, I ran the bath for him. While Joshua played with his bath-time ABCs, I sat on the toilet with the lid down, thinking over everything with Marc. He was definitely having second thoughts now – there was no doubt about it. It had sounded like he wanted to call over if I had been at home, but of course I wasn’t so now I would never know what he wanted. A while later Jacob came into the bathroom.

  “Lily the carpet is turning brown.”

  “Shit!” I had completely forgotten about it.

  “What does ‘shit’ mean, Lily?”

  “Never mind!” I lifted Joshua from the bath and wrapped him in a fluffy towel before carrying him back to the kitchen.

  I found an assortment of carpet cleaning products in Clara’s utility room and read the instructions but as soon as I started scrubbing I knew it wasn’t going to come out. The stain had already dried in. I spent another thirty minutes scrubbing but it was useless. I tossed the sponge down in defeat and a cold sweat, broke out across the back of my neck. Clara would kill me. Not just because her carpet was destroyed, but also because I had given the boys sweets. The only thing I could do was to drag the coffee table across the room to cover the stain. It looked bonkers, because instead of being perfectly centred in the room, it was now in the southwest quadrant. I knew Clara would spot it straight away but I hoped I would be safely home first.

  After all that drama, I finally got the kids into bed. Jacob blackmailed me into reading them two stories each by threatening to tell Clara exactly what had happened. I was tempted to ring Marc back, but I knew I needed to play it cool so instead I decided to paint my nails using Clara’s fancy Chanel nail polish in Particulière. That was a tip from Frankie, because she knew I wouldn’t be able to ring him with wet nail polish.

  Clara and Tom came home after eleven, and I greeted them in the hallway with my coat on and bag in my hand.

  “Aren't you going to stay over, Lily?” Clara asked.

  “I think I'll head home to my own bed actually.” I wanted to be gone before Clara noticed the stain on the carpet.

  “You can't expect Tom to drive you home at this time of night, surely?”

  “I'll get a taxi.”

  “But that will cost a fortune!” Clara protested.

  “If she wants to go home, she wants to go home, Clara, it's the least we can do after she babysat for us.” He turned to me. “I'll call you a taxi.”

  “And I suppose there has been no sign of Tatiana yet?”

  I shook my head.

  “I've a good mind to lock her out.”

  “Now, Clara, she's entitled to a night out. You go on upstairs to bed and I'll wait with Lily until her taxi arrives,” Tom cajoled.

  Ten minutes later, I had escaped Clara's house and was sitting in the backseat of a taxi heading home.

  It was just after seven the next morning when Clara rang. But instead of thanking me for helping her out by babysitting at the last minute, she launched straight in to demanding that I tell her exactly what had happened to the carpet? She told me that she had asked the boys, but they had refused to tell her, so she wanted answers from me. I had to give it to the boys – they were loyal even in the firing line of Clara’s wrath. I’m not sure I could have withstood the pressure so well.

  “Clara
, sorry – I was going to tell you. I was painting with the boys and I accidently knocked over the muddy water.”

  “Mmmh,” she said dubiously. “There is an awful stench of vomit in that room.”

  “Really? Well maybe Tatiana had a few too many last night . . .” I felt awful landing the blame on to her.

  “You’re probably right – I’ll have to have a word with her about the dangers of excessive drinking. Honestly I sometimes wonder who needs minding more, the au pair or the children!”

  After she had hung up, I thought about Marc again. I still hadn’t heard from him since the night before, and it was eating me up inside. I needed to know what was going on with him. I decided I was going to ring him, but it wasn’t even half past seven yet so I couldn’t do it that early. Finally just after nine, I decided it would be safe enough then. I just hoped he would be nowhere near Nadia. With shaking hands, I dialled his number and waited while the phone rang. Finally he answered on the sixth ring.

  “Lily?” I was relieved when he sounded pleased to hear from me.

  “Sorry about last night – you know what the boys are like, they never give me a second.”

  “Of course – how are they, Lily?”

  “They’re good, same as usual. Clara thinks butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth, but they can buy and sell her already.”

  “I miss them.”

  “You do?” I tried to keep the shock from my voice. I knew Marc couldn’t stand them. They drove him insane. It was a gripe Marc always had, that whenever Clara wasn’t around the boys went wild. I think when they threw Marc’s brand new iPad into the bath it had been the last straw. And no matter how many times Clara tried to defend them by saying that they had been trying to demonstrate the Archimedes’ principle, Marc just wasn’t buying it.