Pull At My Heart

by Ellie Malouff

  He’s saying things to me in a very thick Irish accent. Things I can barely make out. Mostly my name, and lass, and the word “please” again and again, like he’s begging me not to stop what we’re doing.

  Even though I probably should stop for the sake of our roommate agreement, I wouldn’t dream of it. I want him too much.

  His head drops to my shoulder and he shifts a bit so that he’s grinding his cock against the right spot inside me. Unbelievably, I feel myself winding back up. I had no plans of coming again, not at all. I knew that just this feeling of him inside of me would be satisfying enough. Enough to last ages, in fact. But it can’t be helped. I’m inexplicably coming again and crying out his name as I squeeze him inside and out. A low groan from deep within him comes out of his mouth and I feel his cock jerk at the same time.

  He holds me to himself as he pours inside me, frozen at times, convulsing at others, until he collapses.

  The weight of him does something to my heart. I love the feeling of him on top of me. I love the idea of giving him so much pleasure that he can barely keep himself up. I love everything about being with him.

  Eoghan

  There is nothing better than kissing Juliana. Okay, maybe there is, and it’s what we just did, but now I’m kissing her as she lies in my arms and I’m in heaven. She’s so soft, so absolutely gorgeous.

  I pull back and look at her. “Hi,” I whisper.

  “Hi.”

  I brush some hair off her face and smile. Thank the Lord Almighty that she smiles back. Reality is about to set in and I’m terrified that she’s going to pull away from me. I thought it was tricky before, but it’s nothing like now. Somehow, we have to make the leap from friends to something more. The place where I want to be, with her by my side.

  She looks totally knackered, and I feel a good dose of pride about that. Pleasuring Juliana came easily to me. It was so natural, giving her all I had in me, which is different than I’ve been with other women. I didn’t quite know, until now, how much I’ve been holding back.

  “So…” she starts, and my heart freezes in my chest. “We just did that.”

  I nod slowly. “We did.”

  She shakes her head and closes her eyes, as in disbelief. If she wasn’t smiling, I’d be having a heart attack.

  “And did you like it?” I ask.

  She opens her eyes and gazes down at me, then bites down on her bottom lip and nods her head.

  “I’m glad,” I whisper.

  She averts her eyes to her hand that’s resting on top of my chest. “Did you like it?” she asks so quietly, I almost miss it.

  “Are you gone in the head?” I ask and start laughing.

  She laughs nervously. “Um…”

  “Wasn’t it completely obvious?”

  “Well…”

  This girl. How could she possibly be insecure? I literally kneeled at her feet tonight and worshipped her.

  She swats my chest. “Stop laughing!”

  “You’re being silly, lass. So feckin’ silly.”

  And then I roll her over on her back and shift her rotten, because I just can’t resist.

  Between kisses she says, “Tell me the truth.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” I tell her and try to kiss her again. She presses me back, so I stop. “What?”

  She raises one of her eyebrows as she waits for my answer.

  I’m so afraid to describe to her what it meant to me, how much I enjoyed it, how it’s my greatest wish that we can do it again sometime very soon. Like maybe right now. Mostly, I’m afraid I’ll do something completely bananas and tell her I love her. That would send her packing, I know it.

  “Eoghan,” she insists.

  “Okay, okay,” I say and then close my eyes briefly. “Yes, I liked it. Of course I liked it, Juliana.”

  There. That keeps it simple enough. She shares such an adorable slight smile that I just have to kiss it, so I do. She seems satisfied with my answer, and I’m feeling a little bit relieved that she hasn’t jumped out of my bed yet and told me to get lost.

  Juliana starts kissing my neck, and I’m ready to go another round with her. She’s all I can feel and smell, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. My eyes are closed, my hand is gliding up her thigh, and I’m about to make my move when she stops abruptly.

  “Do you hear that?” she says into my neck.

  “What?”

  “That buzzing sound?”

  I push up off of her and sit on my knees to listen. It’s my phone. The bedside clock says it’s twenty minutes after midnight. This cannot be good.

  My phone, which is somewhere in the heap of clothes on the floor, stops vibrating for one brief moment before it starts again. I scramble off the bed and fish it out of the pocket of my trousers.

  It’s Seán.

  “Yeah?” I answer, nearly out of breath.

  “Dad’s here,” he says, cutting right to the chase.

  “I’ll be right there,” I tell him and end the call. I start putting on my clothes as quickly as I took them off.

  “What’s wrong?” Juliana asks. She’s up on her elbows with the sheet pulled over her chest.

  “My dad.”

  “What about him?”

  “Emm…” I start, as I try to decide what to tell her. Her face is filled with concern, just like the night I came home with the black eye. I want to be honest with her, as much as possible, so I tell her what I know. “He’s come back home.”

  “Oh. Is that a good thing?” she asks quickly. I wish I could answer yes.

  “Not necessarily.” I check that my keys are in my pocket and then run a hand through my hair.

  She starts to get out of bed.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m going with you. The last time you saw him, he hit you.”

  “You can’t, lass. Okay? I just can’t have you there,” I tell her, and that’s the truth. Everything, simply everything, is too delicate and scary right now. I need to keep this compartmentalized for the sake of my own sanity.

  “Eoghan,” she protests.

  “Please. Please,” I beg. “Stay here. Stay in my bed. Be here when I get home, yeah?”

  She slowly lies back down and covers up. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” I tell her and then turn to go. I haven’t gone three steps when I stop. I turn back around and go over to her, then lean down and kiss her snug on the lips. The move shocks her. She’s stiff at first, but then melts into it. I pull back and look deep in to her eyes. “Keep my bed warm,” I say as I cup her cheek.

  “Okay,” she whispers, and then puts her hand over my heart. I lift it from my chest and kiss the center of her palm. I decide to carry that feeling with me for the rest of the night.

  The Edge

  Eoghan

  The scene when I arrive at my parents’ house is nothing like I expected. I thought for sure my mam would be crying, chasing after my dad as he ransacks the house. Not even a little bit. The two of them are sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying a cup of tea and catching up like dear old pals.

  Seán is standing in the corner of the kitchen, wedged between the countertops, biting on his thumbnail.

  Everyone pauses and turns to look at me when I crash into the room like a thunderstorm.

  “What the feck is going on?” I spew.

  “Lad,” my dad says and holds his hands up. He looks older, thinner, like he’s been put through the wringer. I’ve seen him like this before, after other runs where he shows up broke and in trouble, or—worse yet—in jail. But this time, it’s a little bit different. His mouth is curved up at the corners as if he’s happy to be here. As if he has good news.

  I don’t dwell on it. “What are you doing here? What are you up to?”

  “I’m home, for good,” he says and glances over at my mother. She smiles and is unable to take her eyes off him. I’ve seen her like this before, too. She’s been sweet-talked.

  “Padraig,” I growl. “Where ya be
en?”

  “Limerick. It’s a long story,” he says and gears up to tell it.

  I have zero patience for him. “Do you know that two men came to Mam’s door, demanding to know where you were? One had a feckin’ crowbar. Did you know that?”

  “I’ve dealt with those men.”

  “Oh, well, then everything’s fine, is it? Everything’s done and dusted?”

  “As a matter of fact, it is,” he says and stands up from the table. “You see, I won. I won a lot, laddy.”

  I scoff. “I’ve heard enough. Get out of this house.”

  “Stop it, Eoghan,” my mam says and gets up from her chair. “This is our house, not yours.”

  My mouth drops open. “Mam, you can’t be serious. You can’t possibly be okay with this. He takes off, again mind you, coming ’round to only scare the daylights out of you. Causin’ ya all this misery and heartache. Hurting this family. Sending bad, bad men our way.”

  “Eoghan, that’s enough,” she says and goes to stand beside my dad.

  “Are you not hearing me, lad?”

  “You’re a problem gambler. An addict,” I keep talking over him as he tries to explain. “It’s the gambler’s fallacy that you’re going to win big, that you’re going to get out ahead.”

  “Are you listening? I already won, you fool.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Believe it. Sixty grand.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I can see my mam beaming at him. “What? How?”

  “Now you want to know the details?”

  “No, actually I don’t. That money will be gone by week’s end. You need help. You always have.”

  “I’ve got help. I’m in Gamblers Anonymous on Liberty Street.”

  “You haven’t been to one of those meetings in years. See…” I say, and hold my hands up. “He hasn’t even apologized, has he? He’s on a high right now. He thinks he’s the hero. He thinks he can double it. Triple it. I guarantee you he didn’t actually pay off his debts. I bet those men will be back.”

  He takes two steps toward me, his hands balled into fists. “Watch your mouth.”

  “You paid your debts? Full and complete? We don’t have to worry about bricks through the windows or broken kneecaps?” All of which have happened before. I know he feels real shame about that. That’s why he runs away, that’s why he doesn’t sleep here when he’s gambling. He can’t bear to face us.

  What I said knocks him down, takes the high away. He sits down at the table again and drops his head into his hands.

  “Now you’ve done it, Eoghan,” my mam bites. She rubs at his back. “It’s okay, Paddy. That’s in the past.”

  His shame has no effect on me. “Can we expect those men to come back?”

  “I told you already. I took care of that.”

  “Right. Okay, it’s all tied up. All done, yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Be gentle with him,” my mam pleads.

  “Gentle with him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Has he been gentle with you? Has he ever? You’ve been tormented for weeks. We’ve been through it for years. We’ve lost everything time and again. Well, Grandda isn’t around to bail us out and I’m sure as hell not putting the pub on the line when this goes to shite.”

  “Son, son, I’m telling you…I’m promising you, it’s all done. I’ve made my peace. I’ve paid the debts. I can help you now. I can help you with the pub.”

  I simply shake my head, unable to comprehend this. Unable to believe a word he says.

  “Believe me, boy.”

  “I can’t, Dad. I can’t.”

  “I get it. I’ve been a shite dad, a total langer time and again. But I’m making up for it now.”

  “I need time,” I tell them. “I need some space from you all.”

  “A mhic mo chroí,” my mother says, slipping into Irish to call me the son of her heart.

  “Seán, are you good?”

  He nods once to let me know that he’s fine with staying.

  “Then I’ll be in touch.”

  The last thing I hear as I leave the house is my mam calling, “God be with you.” I put the keys to the taxi under the doormat before I go. If he’s got his life so together, he can take his old job back, too. I’m done.

  I’m filled with a poisonous anger that is ripping its way through me. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to get right, so I think about what I’m going home to. A million images of me and Juliana together flash through my mind. Touches and kisses and that last imprint she left on my heart. I let out a long breath as I imagine her in my bed.

  This walk reminds me of the day I first met her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, even then. She’s pulled at my heart from the very first moment we met and now she might be mine if I don’t blow it.

  Once I get home, I find her sleeping soundly and oh so beautifully. Her hair is ruffled and spread across my pillow. Her mouth is slightly parted and the duvet has fallen below one of her breasts. The sight of her makes my mouth water. I strip off all of my clothes and climb in the bed beside her. She’s the best thing in my life right now.

  She stirs and cuddles against me, but doesn’t exactly wake up. I want to rouse her. I want to be inside her again for a million reasons, but that’s exactly why I stop myself. I want to do everything right with Juliana. I don’t want to make mistakes. I don’t ever want to use her as a way to feel better or as a distraction.

  So, she sleeps as I lie awake and think. Sunday is here and there’s not a chance in hell that I’m going to church with my family today. I meant what I said—I want space and time to get past all the anger that is boiling within me. I also want more alone time with my lass, so I craft a little plan for our day and then force myself to get some sleep since there isn’t much night left.

  Julie

  “Juliana,” Eoghan’s voice says smoothly and I think it’s a dream. “Juliana,” he says again, and then I feel a warm hand slide down my arm.

  I startle awake. Eoghan is down on one knee beside the bed. He cups my cheek and hushes me. “It’s just me,” he whispers, and plants a small sweet kiss on my lips.

  “Eoghan? What are you doing?”

  “Get dressed,” he says quietly. “I want to show you something.”

  It’s still dark in his bedroom. I glance at the bedside clock. It’s six in the morning.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, just get dressed in really warm clothes and a coat, and bring your camera.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “You’ll see, lass. Meet me downstairs,” he says and leaves.

  I sit on the edge of the bed, rubbing my eyes, wondering if it had been a dream. Had we been together last night? We must have. I wouldn’t be naked in his bed if we hadn’t. And now he wants to show me something? He wants me to bring my camera? I smile through a yawn, as excitement starts to push away the confusion. Anything that involves my camera is bound to do that.

  I shower and get ready in a flash, then meet Eoghan downstairs. He’s leaning on the bar, drinking a cup of coffee. His slight frown lifts into a full-blown smile at the sight of me. I feel myself smiling back.

  He’s wearing a black leather jacket, faded jeans, and boots. He looks pretty fresh, as if he showered before waking me.

  “All right, I’m here with my coat and my camera,” I reply. My voice feels small and quiet in the empty pub.

  He pushes his mug across the bar, and then picks up our helmets and hands me one.

  Without hesitation, I put it on and we leave the pub, locking up on our way out. It’s still dark outside and the city around us is eerily quiet. The streets are still glistening from last night’s storm, but there’s no rain or wind to speak of and I’m actually really grateful.

  Eoghan’s bike is parked right outside the pub and we get on it with comfortable ease. I wrap my arms around him and place my body flush against his. Snuggling up against him feels mighty fine.

&nb
sp; There’s so much I want to talk to him about and so many things I want to ask him about, including what happened last night with his family, but I don’t get a chance to ask him anything, because he rocks us off the kickstand and takes off through the streets of Cork City.

  We head west, past my old hotel and the college, out of town and then some. He drives fast on the empty roads and the feeling is exhilarating. There’s no need for coffee. The rush of the open road and crisp Irish air wakes me up.

  Eoghan drives with utter determination to get us somewhere. Somewhere photo-worthy and somewhere far away from Cork.

  As the sun begins to rise, pink and orange light frosts over the open meadows and the ancient trees. The towns we pass through slowly begin to wake. It’s Sunday morning and if we were going slower, we could probably hear church bells.

  I’m not able to photograph anything from the bike, of course, so I just absorb it all with my eyes, every single inch that I can of this land I’ve come to love. I see villages and beaches and sheep and abandoned stone castles. All of it is a wonder to me.

  As we slow down in a small village, he looks at me over his shoulder. “All right back there?” he asks.

  “Yes,” I purr and squeeze him tighter.

  He smiles at that and we take off again.

  My curiosity is definitely piqued, but I don’t dare ask him where we’re going. I’m up for anything he has to show me. I want to be surprised.

  With the sun still at our backs, we keep going and going. It’s been two hours since we left Cork. Eventually we pass through a larger town called Dingle. It’s nestled against the coast.

  Eoghan keeps going until we’re driving on a tiny road next to some very steep cliffs that overlook the Atlantic Ocean. We climb and twist and go out further and further, until we finally get to what seems like the tip of a peninsula. He pulls over onto a dirt path and parks the bike.

  I sit back, let him go, and take off my helmet. My mouth falls open as I take in the sight of the vast ocean in front of me. We are completely alone and all I can hear are the waves below crashing against the rocks.

  I slowly get off Eoghan’s bike, feeling a little sore from the long ride, and take a few steps down the rugged ground in front of me.