Toff Chav

by Miles Hadley

  Mr Shoddley cleared his throat and then began to recite.

  * * *

  ‘You were conceived sometime in 94

  When your mother and I had got quite sore

  Then you were born in 95

  After that you seemed to thrive

  At first you wailed almost every night

  Until your Nanny soon saw you right

  You were once known to have shat on the floor

  For your hygiene then was terribly poor

  At four you went to prep school

  And were known for acting the fool

  Upon your return one Exeat

  You unwisely called your father a twat

  So I stopped your allowance for three weeks

  But then couldn’t bear your wails and shrieks

  So we sent you to that dreaded place

  ‘Lapham?’ you said with fear on your face

  But once there you learnt to be a man

  Or at least we hoped that was part of the plan

  Then you went off on your gap year

  And you said goodbye without a tear

  Schools in Africa was part of the plan

  Until the charity imposed their ban

  For he’d drunk too much of the natives’ booze

  And if he’d stayed on much longer he’d only have losed

  So it was decided that he’d be sent back

  Then lectured on the senses that he seemed to lack

  Soon he was off to Oz on a ranch

  Owned in the family by a different branch

  Whooping and riding, my son herded sheep

  Following this went up north to study

  A far cry from the wild and ruddy

  He opted to read politics and history

  Quite why we thought remains a mystery

  But at being a Tory he seems to excel

  And now at 21, we all hope you do well.

  * * *

  Archie joined in with everybody in the marquee by applauding and crying ‘Hear, hear!’ Mr Shoddley raised his champagne glass to his son. The assemblage all followed suit.

  ‘To Rupert!’ everyone said with glasses raised. One of the more raucous old Meltonians yelled ‘Tory boy!’ prompting peels of braying laughter from everybody in the marquee.

  Archie and Polly thoroughly enjoyed themselves at the party, which lasted well into the early hours. They observed drunken canoodling between the guests in the marquee, the topiaried gardens, or their respective tents. In fact, one tent appeared to be so free and easy that the five drunken, and very high, individuals were verging on orgiastic. As Archie and Polly went past the tent, Archie’s mind went back to his former life with Henry and he wondered to himself how much Polly knew about it.

  At one stage in the main marquee, where the disco was held, Archie watched as Rupert’s girlfriend, Anna – ever the attention seeker – drunkenly clamoured atop one of the tables in her heels and proceeded to give a somewhat slutty dance in honour of her boyfriend’s twenty-first year. Archie watched as Rupert obviously felt that this was too much and ran over to wrestle her off the table.

  ‘Come on, Anna,’ he said. ‘I think that you have drunk too much – don’t you?’

  ‘Wow. Look at Anna,’ Archie remarked jokingly to Polly. ‘A real goer.’

  ‘Isn’t she just?’ Polly giggled before giving a little snort.

  Archie was enthralled as Rupert’s roughness in dealing with the situation prompted Anna to burst into tears. Watched by shocked onlookers, she screamed at him.

  ‘You don’t love me anymore, do you?’

  Archie noticed that Rupert responded with little sympathy. ‘Oh, shut up!’ he snapped. ‘You’re making a scene in front of all my friends and family – just shut the fuck up!’

  Anna proceeded to sob all the more – as was, apparently, her habit whenever she drank too much. Archie smirked and observed that a few of Rupert’s old school pals found the whole spectacle highly amusing. They laughed in between swigging from their bottles of champagne as they danced with their respective girlfriends or each other.

  Archie and Polly laughed because somebody had hijacked the turntables and repeatedly played ‘Zorba the Greek’, prompting everybody to dance around and around in a huge circle, speeding up and slowing down as the music dictated.

  Archie noticed that Polly was getting tipsy and decided to go for a wander around the grounds with her. Flaming torches lit up the pathways. Despite the torchlight, they almost tripped over one canoodling couple.

  Polly wanted to show Archie her uncle and aunt’s lake, which was to the west of the main house. The moonlight shone on it and it looked very inviting. Archie clutched a half-empty champagne bottle; he had his bow tie undone and collar unbuttoned, but was still wearing his dinner jacket.

  Polly said that she thought he looked very endearing in the moonlight and they proceeded to kiss briefly. They sat down on a bench facing the lake, beneath a huge oak tree. They could hear the drunken revelry of the marquee and tents in the distance.

  Archie offered Polly some more champagne. She proceeded to take a swig and passed the bottle back to Archie. They stared at the water glistening in the moonlight.

  ‘The water looks inviting,’ Archie remarked.

  ‘Archie, it’ll be bloody freezing!’ Polly exclaimed.

  ‘We don’t know until we try!’ Archie grinned, already beginning to strip off.

  ‘Archie! You can’t be serious!’ Polly screeched. But by now Archie’s naked form had rushed into the water.

  ‘Charge!’ he yelled, splashing the water as he ran. ‘Come and join me, Poll! It’s great! Just right!’

  Polly was at first hesitant. ‘What if somebody sees us?’

  ‘Oh, bugger that! Everybody’s piss drunk or high as a kite, anyway!’

  Polly burst into drunken hysterics and snorted into her hand. Archie stood, half-submerged in the water, looking at her and waiting expectantly. Polly relented and laughed again.

  ‘Oh, all right – but don’t watch while I get undressed!’

  ‘I won’t,’ Archie said drunkenly.

  Archie couldn’t resist a quick peek, which Polly immediately noticed. ‘Urm... excuse me, Peeping Tom!’ she exclaimed, giggling and snorting.

  Archie laughed as Polly said to herself, ‘Oh what the hell!’ She then proceeded to run into the water. She found it very cold and shrieked in shock, prompting Archie to chuckle and splash her as he swam closer.

  Archie put his finger to his mouth. ‘Shhh! They might hear!’ They proceeded to kiss and swim around a bit.

  Archie spotted a small building on the banks. ‘Shall we swim over to there? It looks like a summer house or something.’

  ‘I think it’s a rather fancy boathouse,’ Polly replied. ‘I remember playing there with the cousins.’

  Once they had swam the width of the lake through the moonlight, they clambered up the bank and found that the doors to the boathouse were unlocked. They were both very cold once inside, but fortunately Archie found some old blankets. He got one and they wrapped themselves together in it and sat on a bench. The young couple shivered a bit until their combined body heat eventually warmed them both up. Archie put his arm around Polly.

  ‘I do love you, you know,’ he said.

  Polly smiled. ‘Yes, I know,’ she replied. They kissed and made love in the boathouse.

  Eventually, Archie heard some people approach. They decided to make a sharp exit wrapped in the blankets and hurriedly tiptoed around the lake, back to where their clothes lay. By now, their naked forms were almost dry and they swiftly put their clothes back on as best they could.

  Archie led Polly by the hand in the direction of their tent, via the topiaried gardens to the paddock. They bumped into Henry, who was with a brunette this time and cl
early as high as a kite.

  ‘Why, if it isn’t cousin Polly!’ he exclaimed. ‘And Archie!’ He leapt forward and gave them both a big hug.

  ‘You all right, mate?’ Archie asked.

  ‘Fucking hell, Arch – we’re going to have some fun in that tent over there! You two should join us!’

  Polly laughed and snorted. ‘Not bloody likely, Cuz. We have other plans.’

  ‘Oh yes?’ Henry retorted. ‘And what plans would those be?’

  ‘Secret ones,’ replied Polly.

  ‘Do tell.’

  ‘We can’t, Hen,’ she replied. ‘It’s a secret.’

  Henry suddenly gave them both an evil eye and stormed off, dragging his brunette away. The brunette turned back to them.

  ‘Hi, I’m Harriet,’ she said, before stumbling in her heels behind him.

  As Archie and Polly neared the paddock, somebody jumped on them both from the darkness.

  ‘Boo!’ the figure yelled.

  Polly screamed. It was her brother, Razza. ‘Don’t do that!’ she exclaimed in annoyance.

  Razza imitated her in a childish voice. He then laughed and put his arms around them both. ‘And how are my two love birds?’ he asked.

  ‘Fine, thanks,’ Archie responded. ‘Where have you been all this time?’

  ‘I might ask the same question of you and my sister!’

  ‘We went for a swim in the lake,’ Polly said proudly.

  ‘Must have been bloody freezing,’ Razza remarked. ‘But you don’t have swimming costumes with you, do you?’

  ‘We went skinny dipping in the moonlight, if you really must know.’

  Razza burst into hysterics. ‘Saucy devils! Arch, I’m shocked! And with my sister as well... Actually…’ he laughed again, ‘not that shocked!’

  ‘Well, it isn’t like we’re not going out with each other,’ Archie slurred. The champagne was really getting to him.

  ‘Well... aren’t you going to ask me what I got up to?’ asked Razza.

  ‘Something dreadfully dirty and sordid?’ Polly joked.

  ‘No, not quite,’ replied Razza. ‘But I hope to get to that stage soon. I have met the most adorable Russian beauty, who is a friend of Bingie – Jake Coxwell’s girlfriend. An absolute stunner!’

  ‘Oh really? And what does she do?’ Polly asked giggling.

  ‘Not much. She’s mega minted and can afford to be a lady of leisure.’

  ‘Sounds right up your alley,’ Polly commented.

  ‘She has the biggest diamond I have ever seen on her necklace, in between the most delectable pair of...’

  ‘We don’t want to know,’ Polly interrupted. ‘What’s her name?’

  ‘Ruslana, or something. I’ve got her number and she wants me to call her!’

  ‘I hope she’s not like the last one,’ Polly said seriously.

  ‘Yes, I know,’ replied Razza. ‘She was a mistake. But I’ve moved on. Ruslana will be far more eminently suitable. We snogged, you know. Good old Jakey. He gave me the rundown on Ruslana’s family. They are seriously mega minted.’

  ‘What does her father do?’ asked Polly.

  ‘He’s in the clothing industry.’

  ‘Do they know Konstantine’s family?’ Archie asked, laughing.

  ‘Yes. Something like that. Look, why don’t you come over to the marquee and meet her?’

  ‘My darling brother,’ said Polly. ‘We would love to, but we are feeling a little tired and might retire to our tent for the night.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, I get the message,’ Razza said. ‘My tent is next to yours, remember. So no making funny noises in the night!’

  With that, Razza stumbled away back to the party. Archie and Polly gave each other a look and laughed. Archie led her by the hand to their tent.

  12

  Gary listened to Dregz again. It was the rap from 2011 when all hell had broken loose. The riots. The riots, when shops and cars were burnt and places were looted. The riots that were put down; condemned. Then the riot areas were visited by Will and Kate. Gary listened and, as he did so, his brow became furrowed in deep, angry thought.

  * * *

  I ain’t got no dough!

  I’m being kept low

  By a system of shite

  But they ain’t got no right

  I want to go up in the world

  British flag unfurled

  But I know the ‘Great’ has gone

  And fucked up everyone

  An out of touch Parliament

  Our systems all fucked and bent

  A PM who’ll hug a Hoodie

  But really why should he?

  When he’s worth piles of dough

  With reforms of ‘Go slow’

  I want to go out and trash

  Let me have it and smash

  Those dozy fuckers

  Making us suckers

  To the Bankers above

  Hate over love

  Let us set alight

  Their selfish dreams and fight

  Cos there ain’t no one who

  Says we ain’t true

  Them guns and knives

  They rule our lives

  Cos I ain’t got no dough

  And I’m being kept low…

  * * *

  ‘Cos I ain’t got no dough and I’m being kept low,’ Gary repeated to himself. He kicked a stone angrily across the street and listened as its ricochet echoed across the grey, concrete surface, devoid of life, save for the occasional weak weed struggling to find light. Survive being trampled on.

  He needed a boost. A pick-me-up. A high. A buzz. So he went to Deano’s flat, shoulders hunched, and a face that still wore that deep furrow of an angry, thoughtful frown. Deano opened the door.

  ‘Right geezer?’

  They knuckled each other a greeting and Gary stepped into the hallway. He could smell fried eggs. Deano and his overweight and warty mum had just had their breakfast.

  ‘Where’s Jamal?’ Deano asked.

  ‘Dunno,’ Gary responded grimly.

  ‘You all right, mate?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Gary changed his facial expression. ‘Let’s go to Mr Bigz.’

  Gary did not hate Mr Bigz in the same way that he hated the Death Squad. He certainly feared Mr Bigz. Mr Bigz was part of the Pan London gang. The gang was notoriously brutal, but, unlike the Death Squad, it did not seek to rule the estate. The gang sent its lieutenants out to the estates to sell drugs periodically. Even the Death Squad would not, and could not, challenge the power of the Pan London gang.

  Gary stood with Deano next to the black Mercedes four-by-four, replete with tinted windows. He watched as Deano bought a bag of hash from the stocky, gold-toothed and medallioned Mr Bigz, who sat with his sidekick, Mr L. They were listening to loud drum and bass music.

  Once the deal was done, Gary and Deano decided to call Jamal.

  ‘Right Geezer?’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Got some hash. We’re coming over.’

  ***

  Jamal’s mum was out shopping and the three piled into his room. Jamal looked at the bag and smiled.

  ‘Looks like good shit, man. Mr Bigz?’

  ‘You got it,’ Gary smiled. ‘Shall I see if the girls want to come over?’ He looked at Deano. Deano’s eyes widened and he gave an angry tick. Gary looked at him and prodded him. ‘Michelle!’ he teased with a high-pitched voice. ‘Is Michelle coming?’

  Deano started to smirk. ‘Shut it, cunt.’

  Gary and Jamal laughed at his outburst.

  Eventually, the girls arrived. Gary gave Crystal a peck on the cheek. Much to Deano’s hidden delight, Michelle was there, too. Gary watched as Michelle sat next to Deano. He noticed Deano blush and awkwardly greet her.

  G
ary rolled up some joints. These were lit and passed around the group. He put the Dregz rap on that he had listened to earlier.

  ‘Do you remember those riots when Gaz nearly got arrested?’ Jamal asked.

  ‘You were fucking lucky not to have got caught,’ Deano commented.

  Gary laughed. ‘Well, I needed those trainers badly. Nothing like a bit of window shoplifting.’

  ‘Was that when the pigs kettled everyone?’ Crystal asked.

  ‘Yeah,’ replied Gary. ‘It was a fucking nightmare. We nipped down an alley and had to jump a wall. Deano, do you remember when you fell? The pigs nearly had you, too. If we hadn’t jumped that wall and legged it, we’d have been holed up at Her Majesty’s fucking pleasure.’

  Crystal looked at him with fascination. ‘Have you still got those trainers?’ she asked.

  ‘Yeah. They’re a bit out of date now, though. It was four fucking years ago. I wore them a lot, though.’

  ‘If we’d have been properly cornered, we might have been imprisoned for years,’ Deano said. ‘It was like the fucking blitz. Fire everywhere. Fucking mayhem. It was fucking classic.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Gary agreed. ‘Those wankers have to be taught a lesson every now and then. They can’t have it their way all the time.’

  ‘Wankers. And bankers,’ Jamal laughed.

  ‘And the fucking toffs in power,’ Gary said. ‘Can’t stand the fucking tossers. They get everything. Everything without even lifting a fucking finger. What do we get? Shit all.’

  ‘Yeah. But what are we going to do about it?’ Crystal asked.

  ‘I don’t fucking know, Crystal,’ said Gary. ‘It’s like Dregz says, I don’t fucking know ’cos I can’t have it all. We can’t have it all. There are rules for us and rules for them. It’s never been a level playing field. It’s like a gigantic slope of a fucking playing field, with the full force of the fucking law alongside all the rich cunts at the top of the slope.’

  There was silence. Gary drew on a toke. Through the smoke he smiled as he looked at Deano and Michelle. They were kissing. Gary gave a wolf whistle. Crystal cackled and gave a wolf whistle, too.

  Deano and Michelle briefly looked up from their embrace and smiled sheepishly. Gary watched as they got back to it.