by Elle Scott
My stomach growls loud enough for them all to turn and look at me. ‘Give me ten seconds!’ I yell as I close the door. I throw my clothes on as fast as I can, I am starving. I can’t dry my hair quick enough, so I twist it like a sponge in front of me and stumble out to greet them.
‘You alright?’ Miles asks giving me a worried look.
I tilt my head sideways to Viv, she holds her hand up to her mouth concealing a grin.
‘What?’
‘Nice!’ Eli teases.
I look down at myself. My hair, still dripping with water soaks through my white top, which I've also put on backwards, and my white and purple polka dot bra is completely visible underneath. I cross my arms against my chest and scowl at Eli. Miles backhands Eli's chest and shakes his head at him. Within two seconds I’ve ripped open my drawer, grabbed the first dark top I can find, and high tailed it back into the bathroom to change.
I peel off the damp white t-shirt and replace it with a blue round collared shirt. I check my reflection in the mirror to make sure my bra is now completely unseen, it is. I uncurl my collar and take my time to rest its curved edges along my clavicle. I try to keep my eyes laser-focused on my shirt as I button it up but they flit up when I feel a tickle on my forehead. I stare at a stray drop of water as it traces its way along my hairline, in front of my ear all the way down to my chin. I catch it with the back of my hand. And then, before I have the chance to stop myself I look at my own face. My deceivingly innocent green eyes stare back at me and my breath hitches. They look like hers. My nose, straight with the smallest ski jump at the end. Just like hers. My chin, rounded and pointy at the same time. Hers. My lips curl up in disgust. Just like hers did—do, if she’s still alive. She left me when I was seven, but I still carry her around with me everywhere I go.
‘Are you alright in there?’ Viv asks.
I tear my eyes away from the mirror and finish buttoning my shirt.
When I leave the bathroom, the boys have gone, I look at Viv and sigh.
‘Funniest thing ever!’ she chortles.
‘For everyone but me!’ I scoff with a smile.
Her laugh makes me forget the embarrassment and the disgust, I can’t stay mad when she laughs. It’s so contagious, high pitched but not annoying, like a smooth staccato piano trill.
I sit down to tie my shoe laces when another knock on the door startles me. Viv reaches for the door to open it but at the last second bends down and collects a piece of paper from the ground. She hands it to me, for the obvious reason that it has my name on it. I unfold the paper.
Tarmac tonight? After dinner? Just you and me. X.
‘Listen, Nora. Can we skip the Rec Hall tonight? Just the two of us hang out?’ Viv says at the same time I squeal. ‘He wants to meet up again!’
‘Xander?’ She asks as I run back into the bathroom.
I rest my fingertips around the porcelain curves of the sink and take a moment to breathe. I can’t believe this is happening, Xander and me. I can forget our missions, forget Viv’s changing temperament; and just be, with him.
‘Yes!’ I’m still squealing as I glance at her through the mirror. It was night and day. Her seriousness, my excitement. You’d think she’d be at least semi excited for me, she knows how much I like him.
She leans up against the bathroom door frame fiddling with the ends of her hair, and sighs, ‘I’ll hang out with Eli then.’
‘Okay, cool!’ I say as I take a wide toothed comb and ease it through my hair. I twist the sides back and clip them together. I don’t look in the mirror but I know it looks much better than earlier.
~~~
I line up beside Xander in the food hall to receive our night time dose of nutrient slop, otherwise known as dinner. Our bodies keep haplessly yet playfully bumping into each other as we move along the buffet line. In unison, we sit down next to each other, the back of our hands graze as we rest our trays down. I reach for my knife and I glance at him sideways while I glide the backs of my fingers through his. As we eat our dinner and sip our water, the nerves and anticipation drive me insane, I can almost imagine what his lips would taste like.
For the last couple of months, every week we have laid on the tarmac out under the clear night sky and just be. Sometimes we’ve shared memories; Xander talking about his vivacious sister Kate or me talking about my wise dad. Sometimes we ramble about random theories or make up stories together. Sometimes we just sit there in silence. The last time, we laid there with my head resting complacently on his chest; every now and then he would stroke my hair with affection. We didn't have to say anything, I felt so validated with him.
After dinner, we stroll up to the airport silently and find our familiar spot on the tarmac. Xander stretches his legs out in front of him and leans back on his elbows. I sit beside him and look up. I'm nervous, more nervous than I've ever been with him. My heart is telling me to let him in, to be swept away by him; and my head is telling me to take it slow and keep my distance.
The sun has just set. The last splash of colour on the horizon leads up to the dark and clear atmosphere. The stars have started to congregate around the crescent moon and spread across the vast nothingness.
‘It's like the moon is a piece of bread and the stars are the ducks all scheming up a foray to get to it first,’ I say on a whim, avoiding anything too serious.
Xander laughs. ‘Yes, the moon has no chance really.’
‘It's the ducks defeat though,’ I continue. ‘They are stuck and can't move. It's like being so close but not quite being able to touch it.’
‘Like almost tasting it, without it being in your mouth?’
‘Exactly! Almost doesn't count.’ I look at him, then in a few beats look back to the sky. My mind locks my heart in an arm wrestle, this is stupid Nora, don’t get involved.
I change the subject, ‘It's so funny how connected to the universe I feel when I look up at the sky, like I am a small part of something intrinsically incredible.’
‘Do you believe there's life out there?’ Xander asks.
‘Well we know Ross would say we'd be simple to think there isn't. I want to believe it but where's the evidence you know?’ I answer.
‘Don't you think we are working with the evidence?’ he laughs.
I pause for a moment before releasing a massive grin, ‘Ha! It also makes me feel ridiculously small. Like how dare I get so upset about the little things you know? There is so much more in this world that we should be focused on.’
Out of the corner of my vision, I see him smiling at me. I try to move my face elegantly towards him, leaving my chin to settle on my shoulder. I'm self-conscious, I haven't cleaned up properly but know that I must look a sight better than I did earlier today.
‘You're beautiful,’ he blurts.
‘What?’ I almost whisper.
His sigh is so loud I swear everyone below us can feel the vacuum of air release from his lungs, ‘You're right you know? Little things don't matter. My insecurities, my denials—I know they are useless to me. They serve no purpose but to hold me back, they keep me from telling the one I'm falling for, that I'm… well, falling for her.’
He's falling for me? He is talking about me, right? I turn to face him with my legs bent upwards, allowing my thigh to rest against the side of his torso.
‘What are you afraid of?’ I ask. Normally reserved and guarded, I feel stripped back beyond my control, like the layers of protection I've built over the years had begun to crumble down.
‘Trusting people,’ he says.
I breathe in, me too, me too. I stay silent though, not daring to break our locked gaze. This is about him, so I wait for elaboration.
‘My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend,’ he says. ‘So now, I find it hard to trust. It turns out she only ever wanted him and used me to get closer to him. Meanwhile, I'm like the idiot puppy dog fool wrapped around her little finger. I thought I was in-love. I had no clue they were having an affair. After that I've bee
n the one to break hearts, I kind of scare myself. If I hurt them first, they can't hurt me at all. It's stupid logic, but… you're different, you make me want to be different.’
I move closer. Hoping my mere presence will act like a safety net for him, that my energy and care can protect him like an invisible force field. I kind of always sensed that he was, you know, a player, but I've never been scared of him, I’ve always been able to see past the facade. The mask he displays in public is full of charm and arrogance. But who he is in private, with me, is a boy in desperate need of love. And I relate to that so very much.
‘You want to know what I'm most afraid of?’ I offer.
He nods.
‘Turning into my mother,’ I break our gaze, looking down at my fragile hands using each of them as a stress ball.
Xander shifts in his spot, he lifts his elbows from the harsh gravelled tarmac and stretches up. And now his face is directly in front of mine. His breathing accelerates as he locks his eyes onto mine again.
‘From what you've told me about your mother, you are nothing like her! The way you treat people is a direct reflection of who you are—and you treat people with respect, with love, with care—that is the opposite to your mother. You would never hurt someone just because you decided to do something for yourself and screw over everyone in the way. You would never just up and leave like she did. You would never do that.’
He grabs my nervous hands and curls them up into his, they are strong, dry, hard working.
‘Do you trust me?’ I'm barely audible.
He runs his hands down each side of my face and holds my jaw with care, his thin lips open and I gasp. I let my fingers cup the nape of his neck and I pull him in closer.
And then we kiss for the first time.
~~~
If I had the choice to stay in his arms under this sky forever I would. I imagine us joining hands and floating up into the heavens and melting into the sea of stars. This must be what love is. I wonder if my mother ever felt this way about my dad. Did she crave his presence, his smile, his embrace? If she did, it didn't last. She must have never felt this way about him.
‘Earth to Nora?’ Xander's hand waves in front of my face.
I blink and turn to look at him.
‘You always do that!’ I can't tell if he's annoyed or not. ‘You're always off in your own dream world!’ He smiles.
‘We should probably go inside,’ I squeeze his upper arm, which has only become bigger since we first met.
We head down the elevator to the second floor. The elevator doors open and to our left the Rec Hall's double swinging doors struggle to keep in the noise it contains.
We stand here together in the hallway for a while, he traces his finger down my arm to hold my hand. He pulls me away from the Rec Hall and we turn to face the Containment Room. A wall of glass showcases the room inside about five metres squared.
On the two side walls, the egg and static orbs are on display behind glass cabinets, like trophies. A vault hides behind the portal orbs in the centre wall, it holds the rest of the orbs inside. I press my forehead against the window wall and stare at the orbs in the cabinets.
‘Which one is your favourite?’ Xander asks.
I smile, he asked this question after our first tarmac chat about a month ago. ‘You know!’
‘You never know, you may have changed your mind since then,’ he taps his fingers on the glass and looks down.
‘I'm not like my mother remember?’ I promise.
Xander drops his head against the wall and tilts his face towards me, his piercing turquoise eyes send a shock wave of heat through my body.
‘You're going to be the death of me,’ he says. The words themselves sound dramatic but he says them with conviction and I wonder if he actually believes it.
‘Nora,’ he steps closer to me, ‘do you think we could not talk about this to anyone?’
‘What do you mean?’ I'm getting lost in his gaze.
‘Us, whatever this is.’ A cold barrier slams its way between our bodies breaking the bubble I was floating in.
‘Oh,’ I don't know what to say.
‘It's just, I prefer to keep it simple, I don't want to dilute what we are growing into with the thoughts and ideas of others…’
He laces his fingers through mine once more and as we turn back towards the Rec Hall he leans over.‘You're so beautiful!’ The words, although spoken without emotion, make me feel better.
We walk down the hallway and with our hands still interlaced we walk past the elevators. As we get closer to the Rec Hall he releases his hand and lets his fingers hover on the base of my palm for a second, then—as we open the doors to the Rec Hall—we are just two team mates, one leading the other towards the rest of our team.
At almost ten o'clock the Recreation Hall is buzzing. In the top left corner, Team Beta and Ross surround three TV's with X-Box controllers in their hands, they stare focused on the screens. Opposite them in the top right corner, half of Team Delta huddle together on sofas sipping green tea, or some other herbal remedy, holding hot compresses to their foreheads and rubbing each other’s feet—their mission location today was even worse than ours apparently. Team Charlie, besides ours, are the rowdiest team, they drink spirits and play twister or charades or strip poker. I spot Miles and Eli playing a game of eight-ball in the middle of the room, Miles waves us over.
Once I reach their table, I realise that Xander isn't by my side. I dart my head around the room, he's sat himself comfortably next to Ross and has picked up a game controller.
‘Excuse me,’ Eli bumps my side. I step back with my hands up in surrender. He stumbles as he leans over and spends a while trying to place his can of bourbon on the side of the table. ‘Don' bump that okay?’ He slurs.
I look to Miles who grins as he mouths the word, ‘drunk!’
‘Right’ I mouth back smiling.
I'm not surprised when Eli misses his shot. He face-plants himself in the middle of the table scattering the rest of the balls. ‘GAME OVER!’ he muffles.
‘Maybe it's bed time?’ I suggest to Miles, who nods in agreement.
‘NO!’ Eli stands straight, trying to convince us of his sobriety. ‘Not bedtime Nora, you silly!’
‘You want to play?’ Miles offers to me.
‘I should probably get some sleep.’ I give a half-hearted smile. I glance at the bottom wall where the yoga mats are spread out in a circle, a single glass of wine sits full beside one. Eli follows my eye line. Each mission we do has its highs and lows, a barrage of emotions, and gives us a multitude of topics we can't discuss with anyone else. It's too bright, loud and crowded here, it would be so much nicer at a peaceful coffee shop with snugly sofas that swallow you up and threaten to never allow you to get up again. Never the less, we always end up here, sitting on yoga mats in a circle, with the usual flow of alcohol to drown our exhaustion and assist our communication.
‘She was here but left,’ his bottom lip rolls out towards his chin before he leans down and tries to whisper. ‘She took one look at Miles when he came in and was out of here,’ he turns to Miles and shouts. ‘Set up another game!’
‘I'm going to bed. Good night boys,’ I spin without giving them a chance to reply.
‘Me too,’ Miles says running behind me.
He catches up to me just as I reach Team Charlie, who are in the middle of playing charades. As I walk through them, Nicki flicks her black dreadlocks over her shoulder, then lifts her arms out to the sides. Miles grabs my arm and pulls me out of the way before she whacks my face.
‘Sorry Nor— serious business here!’ She gasps before making a V shape with her hands and gets back to her mime.
‘Titanic!’ Someone yells as we weave our way through the rest of Team Charlie.
I smile, Team Charlie remind me of our team— except for the last few nights. Where we would normally be telling jokes and laughing and getting to know each other’s secrets; the last few nights we have been sepa
rated and brooding and wondering what the hell is going on. Is it me? Is it my fault? Is it because I’ve been spending a lot of time with Xander that’s caused the rest of the team to feel awkward? Maybe that’s why Xander wants to keep us a secret for now. But then, that can’t be all, can it? Viv has been acting so strange lately. And what did Eli mean when he said she looked at Miles and left?
I turn to face Miles, ‘Tell me what on earth is going on with Viv?’
‘I don't know! We've never been that close but the last couple of weeks she's been really standoffish with me… and tonight, she looked at me like I was the devil incarnate,’ he says.
I laugh at his choice of words, ‘sorry, I just don't think you'd make a very good villain.’
‘What? I can be a brooding bad boy, right?’ Miles’ eyebrows rise almost to his hairline.
‘Yeah and I can fly,’ I tease.
Miles curls his top lip as I press the button for the elevator. He glares at me through slitted eyes while we step inside. A force so relentless that my heart quickens; my breath stops. His eyes pierce through me until the door shuts… then we laugh the whole way down to the bottom floor. As we reach the door to my bedroom I nudge his bicep with my shoulder. ‘Good night, Goof.’
He rests his hand on top of my head and ruffles until my hair begins to fall over my face. ‘You too, Sparkles.’ I watch him head down towards his own bedroom. It’s nice to have someone who doesn’t expect anything from me, our friendship is so simple. Like everything should be. So now, my task… to get Viv back to that place with us; a place where we are family and everything is as it should be.
THREE
Vivian
I don’t belong here anymore. I never really belonged here in the first place. It was too easy to join this company; they didn’t even check my credentials. The first red flag for me was them not even chasing up the fact I am only nineteen but apparently have a psychology degree. It screamed to me they were hiding something, so I played along. After I became close to Nora and the others, I made it my mission to uncover whatever is wrong here, but somewhere along the way though, I lost my voice. Time is running out and I need to get it back. The thing is, I know who I am and what I want to achieve but I still feel invisible… And there’s this sense of doom telling me I won’t succeed. My parents moved back to India three years ago, and they thought I was on my way towards financial happiness and success. If they saw me now, they’d wonder if bringing me here to grow up was worth the effort. Not even a certificate to show for it.
