Sydney Harbour Hospital: Lexi's Secret

by MELANIE MILBURNE

  ‘Of course I love him!’ She almost shouted the words.

  ‘And yet you’ve told him nothing about what happened between us five years ago.’

  Lexi glared at him. ‘It’s in the past. It should stay there.’

  ‘I beg to differ, sweetheart,’ he said. ‘What’s happened over the last couple of hours suggests it’s not staying in the past. It’s spilling into the here and now and at some point you’re going to have to deal with it. You have to tell him.’

  She gave him a cutting look. ‘What do you want me to say to him? Do you want me to tell him you seduced me when I was barely out of school?’

  His brows clamped together in a brooding frown. ‘Don’t go pulling that card on me, young lady,’ he growled. ‘You lied to me about your age. I wouldn’t have touched you if you hadn’t thrown yourself at me like a ten-dollar whore.’

  Lexi raised her hand but he intercepted it midair, his fingers so tight, so cruelly tight she felt tears smart in her eyes. ‘Let go of me, you bastard!’

  ‘Stop it,’ he said in a gritty, deadly calm voice. ‘Get control of yourself.’

  Lexi flew at him in a rage so intense she even frightened herself. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to have physical scars similar to the deep, painful emotional ones she had carried for so long. She fought him, tooth and nail, kicking at him, screaming words of abuse she had never used on anyone before.

  But it was all in vain because he was too strong, too determined, too in control.

  He held her until the fight went out of her. She went limp in his arms, her energy gone as if someone had pulled out the power source from her body.

  She started to cry. Not soft little sobs but great big hulking ones that ripped at her chest like a pair of metallic claws. Tears rolled down her face but she could do nothing to stop them as Sam was still holding her in an iron grip.

  But finally he relaxed his hold and the fingers that had bitten into her flesh began to stroke and soothe her instead. ‘Hey,’ he said softly.

  ‘Don’t you “hey” me,’ she said, but not with any venom. She was way past that.

  Sam drew her close against his body, his arms wrapping around her, his body moving from side to side in a soothing rocking motion, similar to one a loving mother did to a distressed child, not that Lexi had much memory of that experience, but she missed it all the same. ‘Shh,’ he said gently. ‘No more tears, OK? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. You didn’t throw yourself at me.’

  Lexi nestled against his strength and solid warmth. ‘I did,’ she mumbled against his chest. ‘I acted like a tart. I’m so ashamed of myself. I don’t know what came over me.’

  She felt his hand stroke the back of her head, holding it close to his body. ‘I could’ve walked away,’ he said. ‘I should’ve walked away.’

  Lexi lifted her head off his chest to look at him. ‘Why didn’t you?’

  His eyes were dark and warm, like melted chocolate. ‘The same reason I didn’t turn this boat around when I found you in my cupboard,’ he said. ‘I wanted you.’

  Lexi felt her heart slip sideways in her chest. He wanted her, but for how long? Should she ask him? Would he put a time line on it? Or should she just take what was on offer and leave everything else to fate? ‘I need to freshen up,’ she said, lowering her gaze in case he saw the longing in hers.

  He gave her a pat on the bottom. ‘Take your time,’ he said. ‘I can hold dinner.’

  The night sky was amazing as they sat out on the deck after they had eaten. Sam glanced at Lexi, looking as beautiful as ever though she was wearing one of his warm fleece jackets that swamped her slim frame. The wind had picked up, bringing with it a chill that was a reminder that the long lazy days of summer were still a few weeks away.

  So too was Lexi’s wedding, he thought with a clench of his gut. She may have taken her ring off but she seemed just as determined as ever to go ahead with the marriage.

  He wasn’t sure how he was going to deal with that day in November. It wasn’t as if he would be invited. He wouldn’t accept if he was. What he couldn’t understand was why she would still want to marry someone who clearly wasn’t meeting her needs.

  He hated to think of her marrying for money. It didn’t fit well with the Lexi he knew now. The Lexi who put her sister’s health and happiness above any of her own needs or desires, the Lexi who worked so tirelessly for the benefit of the hospital charity.

  But, then, people married for a host of different reasons: companionship; security; common goals … children.

  Sam thought back to when he had seen himself following in the footsteps of his father and grandfather and great-grandfather before him. Being a husband, then becoming a father, raising a family, providing for them. In the days before his mother had become so desperately ill he had thought about building a life with someone, having a brood of kids. It had seemed the normal thing to do. But then his mother had got sick and he had watched as his father had struggled to juggle everything: the farm and finances; Sam’s needs; and those of his mother. It had broken his father, made him half the man he had been. His strong, tall, capable father had seemed to diminish and age right in front of Sam’s eyes. It had terrified Sam to think that might one day happen to him.

  Lexi was looking up at the sky. ‘I think I can see a satellite,’ she said.

  ‘Where?’ Sam said, joining her on the cushioned seat at the stern.

  She pointed to a moving light in the black velvet of the night sky. ‘Can you see it? It’s moving from left to right. It’s just passing the Saucepan.’

  ‘Got it,’ he said, breathing in her fragrance. ‘I really missed seeing the southern sky when I was in the States.’

  She turned her face towards him. ‘What did you miss the most?’ she asked.

  He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. ‘Lots of things,’ he said. ‘The smell of the dust when the rain first falls in the bush, the sound of kookaburras at dawn and sunset, the sound of rain falling on a tin roof back at home.’

  She traced each of his eyebrows with a fingertip. ‘Have you ever thought of working in the bush?’ she asked.

  He captured her finger and pressed a soft kiss to the end of it. ‘Yes, of course, but I’m so highly trained now I’m of more use in the city. It’s ironic really as the only reason I became a transplant surgeon was to help people like my mother who couldn’t access services in time.’

  ‘Why did you become a heart-lung transplant surgeon?’ she asked. ‘I thought you were planning on specialising in renal surgery?’

  ‘I had a great mentor in the States,’ he said. ‘He encouraged me to choose the heart-lung route. He thought my skills were more appropriate for heart-lung transplants. It’s more challenging surgery. You need nerves of steel. You need to be able to maintain control under impossible circumstances. You have to be able to switch off your feelings and concentrate on the mechanics of the operation. Not everyone can do it.’

  ‘What if there was a fund to help country people?’ she asked.

  ‘There isn’t one,’ Sam said. ‘Bush people mortgage their homes and sell off all their assets to access what city folk take for granted. The expenses are crippling. It’s not the medical bills so much but the travel and accommodation. Patients can spend months going back and forth over long distances. It’s not within most people’s budgets to do that.’

  ‘What if I raised some money for a fund for exactly that purpose?’ Lexi asked.

  Sam brushed her soft mouth with his thumb. ‘Haven’t you got enough on your plate already with raising funds for the unit?’

  ‘I can do both,’ she said. ‘I’ve already been thinking about raising the funds to buy a house for relatives to stay in, similar to what the children’s hospital has. Instead of a fast-food chain funding it, we can do it with charitable donations.’

  Sam stroked a finger down the curve of her cheek. ‘If you weren’t working for the hospital as Head of Events, what else would you be doing?’ h
e asked.

  She lowered her gaze, her fingers toying with the collar of his open-necked shirt. ‘I’m not sure …’

  ‘You must have some idea,’ he said. ‘What did you want to be when you were a little girl?

  A faraway look came into her eyes as she looked past his left shoulder. ‘I wanted to be a ballerina,’ she said. ‘I wanted to dance on the world’s stage. I used to practise in front of my mother’s cheval mirror. I dreamed of wearing a sparkling tutu. I dreamed of dancing at a Royal performance. I pretended I was Cinderella …’ Her voice trailed away and her shoulders dropped.

  ‘So what happened?’

  She let out a sigh and went back to playing with the buttons on his shirt. ‘My feet got sore.’

  Sam lifted her chin. ‘If that was the case there would be no ballerinas in the world.’

  She looked at him with sad blue eyes. ‘I couldn’t do that to Bella,’ she said. ‘She used to look at me so wistfully when I got taken to my ballet class by our nanny. She would sit on the sidelines and watch with those sad grey eyes of hers. She didn’t do it intentionally. She’s not like that. But I felt so guilty. I had to stop. I had to stop a lot of things I loved … It’s kind of been the story of my life.’

  Sam had heard similar stories throughout his professional life but none had touched him more than Lexi’s. She had given up so much to protect her sister. Did anyone realise how much she had sacrificed?

  Her father?

  Her mother?

  Her older sister Evie?

  Even Sam hadn’t properly understood until now. There was probably a litany of things she had sacrificed in her effort to protect Bella from feeling inadequate. ‘You’re a very sweet person, Lexi,’ he said. ‘But why do you always hide behind that I-don’t-give-a-damn-what-you-think facade?’

  ‘Because sometimes it’s easier to pretend I don’t care,’ she said. ‘I’ve got used to putting my feelings to one side.’ She gave him a little twisted smile. ‘Maybe I’m like you in that regard. I can switch off my feelings when it suits me.’

  Sam felt like he had just been hoisted with his own petard. ‘It’s not always as easy as I make it look,’ he said, frowning at her.

  ‘What are you saying, Sam?’ she asked with an arch of a slim brow. ‘That you sometimes feel more than you let on?’

  He held her ocean-blue gaze, determined to outstare her. ‘I can’t give you what you want,’ he said. ‘I’m not the right person for you. I’ve never been the right person.’

  She got up and moved a few feet away, finally turning to stand and look at him from the mast, her expression cool and distant. ‘Are you the right person for anyone?’ she asked.

  Sam looked out over the crinkled sea gilded by the silvery moon that had come up. ‘When my mother died my father never really got over the loss. I know for a fact he blames himself. They didn’t have the money to send her to the city for help. For the last twenty years he’s lived like a hermit. I don’t think he’s ever looked at another woman. Can you imagine that? Twenty years he’s lived like a monk because he can’t bear the thought of replacing my mother.’

  ‘He must have loved her very much,’ Lexi said softly.

  Sam let out a hissing breath. ‘That’s exactly my point,’ he said. ‘He loved her too much. She wouldn’t have wanted him to waste his life like that. She would’ve wanted him to move on, to find someone else to build a future with, maybe even have another child or two, someone who could take on the farm since I had other plans.’

  ‘Maybe there is no one else who can take your mother’s place,’ Lexi said. ‘Maybe your father has always known that in his heart. Maybe he’s perfectly happy living with his memories of their time together.’

  Sam frowned at her darkly. ‘He should’ve moved on by now.’

  ‘Why should he?’ she asked. ‘Is it so hard for you to realise that his love for your mother was enough to satisfy him for a lifetime?’

  ‘I can’t imagine loving someone like that,’ he said almost savagely. ‘It’s not what I want for myself.’

  ‘I feel sorry for you, Sam,’ Lexi said. ‘You’ve closed yourself off in case you get hurt. But life is all about being hurt. It’s not something we can control. There’s no switch we can turn off to stop us feeling the pain of losing someone, of loving someone so much we don’t feel we can go on without them. We grieve because we love. We might as well be dead if we didn’t feel something. It’s what makes us all human.’

  Sam looked at her standing there, the angles and contours of her beautiful face cast in an ethereal glow by the moonlight. She looked like a mermaid that had come up from the depths of the sea. Her long hair had worked itself loose from the knot she had restrained it in earlier. It was lying about her shoulders and down her back in a silky tangle that his fingers itched to run through. ‘Do you love your fiancé like that?’ he asked, hating himself for asking it, hating himself even more for wanting to know.

  Her eyes moved away from his. She stood stiffly, her gaze on the dark endless sea that moved like a ripple of silk under the caress of the light late-night breeze. ‘What I feel for Matthew is nothing to do with you,’ she said.

  ‘So you’re still going to marry him.’

  ‘Is that a question or a statement?’ she asked as she turned and met his gaze, hers diamond-sharp.

  ‘Which would you answer with the truth?’ he asked.

  She turned away from him to look back to the wrinkled black blanket of the ocean. ‘I don’t have to tell you anything,’ she said. ‘I’m just here for now. That’s what you want, isn’t it? Something casual and temporary. No strings. No feelings. Just a physical connection you could get with anybody.’

  ‘Not just anybody,’ he said, coming up behind her to cup her upper arms with his hands. ‘It doesn’t feel quite like this with anyone else.’

  Lexi closed her eyes as she felt his body brush against hers from behind. His mouth was already at her ear lobe, his teeth tugging at her in playful little bites that sent arrows of delight down her spine. He lifted her hair off the nape of her neck and kissed her there in soft movements of his lips against her super-sensitive skin. She shivered in delight, her whole body alert to the proud jut of his erection pressing against her bottom. She leaned back into him, her head lolling to one side as he worked his magical mouth on her neck.

  Did he mean it?

  Was she the only one who made him feel like this?

  Lexi didn’t know for sure but when she turned in his embrace and offered her mouth to his, she knew with absolute certainty that she would treasure every moment of this weekend with him, for she suspected these memories would be all she would have of him once it was over.

  The rest of the time out on the water with Sam was like a fantasy come to life. Sleeping in Sam’s arms at night to the gentle rocking of the yacht was like a dream come true. Waking to his caresses, to the hot urgency of his mouth and hands and surging male body had made her soar to the heights of human pleasure.

  Watching the sun come up together made her feel close to Sam in a way she had not felt before. She had never seen him in such a relaxed and playful mood. It was as if he was determined to make this short time together as pleasurable for her as possible. There was no further mention of the past or her engagement. It was a no-go area they had seemed to reach by tacit agreement. Lexi was relieved for she knew she had some hard thinking to do in the days ahead, but for now she was content to treasure every precious second with him.

  When the wind came up Sam taught her how to sail, showing her how to go about by ducking under the boom and reeling in the ropes. It was an exhilarating experience and one she knew she would never forget. They had a picnic on an isolated beach that Lexi hadn’t even known existed. They swam, but not for long as the water hadn’t yet warmed up enough to be comfortable, but Lexi soon grew warm again when Sam enveloped her in his arms and made love to her on the sand.

  But eventually the weekend drew to a close. It had to.

  S
am’s relaxed mood seemed to dissipate the closer they got to the marina on Sunday afternoon. His features took on a cast of stone and when he smiled at something she said it didn’t reach his eyes.

  Lexi watched as he steered the yacht back into its mooring position. Once it was secured and locked up he helped her step onto the marina walkway and carried her bags of shopping for her. They got to the end of the walkway and an awkward silence fell.

  ‘I’ll give you a lift home,’ Sam said, not looking at her.

  ‘No … Thanks anyway but I’d better make my own way back,’ Lexi said.

  Another painful silence passed.

  ‘I guess I’ll see you at the hospital,’ Sam said, his expression still inscrutable.

  ‘Guess so,’ Lexi said, forcing brightness into her tone. ‘And the ball. I can’t believe it’s next weekend. Have you got a mask to wear?’

  ‘I’m working on it.’

  Lexi shifted her weight from foot to foot. ‘I had a great time,’ she said, looking up at him. ‘Thanks for … for everything …’

  ‘Pleasure.’

  Well, there had certainly been plenty of that, Lexi thought. Her body was still tingling inside and out.

  She started to walk away but Sam suddenly snagged one of her wrists and turned her back to face him. She looked into his unfathomable dark brown eyes and felt her heart trip. ‘I want to see you again,’ he said, the words low and deep as if they had been sourced from somewhere deep inside him.

  Lexi moistened her suddenly dry lips. ‘Sam … This is not exactly easy for me …’

  A flinty look came into his eyes. ‘What’s not easy?’ he asked. ‘Hasn’t the last day and a half proved anything to you?’

  Lexi drew in an uneven breath, hope flickering inside her chest like a tiny candle flame in a stiff breeze. ‘I’m not quite sure what it is you’re offering …’

  ‘You know damn well what I’m offering,’ he said. ‘I’m offering you the most passionate, pleasurable experience of your life.’

  ‘An affair.’ It wasn’t a question or a statement but an expression of heart-wrenching disappointment. Pain hurtled through her like a cannonball, knocking over all her hopes and dreams like ninepins. He didn’t want her for ever. He never had. But in spite of the roaring passion that existed between them it still worried her to think he only wanted her now because someone else had already staked a claim.