by Ml Rodriguez
“Zane, it’s a family hug,” Rylee tell him.
“Get over here, silly. We need you with us,” Skylar finishes.
At first Zane is shocked but quickly snaps out of it and joins the three Duval girls. As we hold each other, I see Zane look up to the heavens, his lips moving, and then he bows his head and holds us tighter. He’s been accepted into our family by the girls. I send a silent prayer up above, thanking the Lord for first blessing me with Jake, and now giving me another chance with Zane.
Everything is perfect.
If I had known what would happen later, I would’ve prayed harder.
That night in March, Zane became a part of our family.
Since that night, he’s spent every night he isn’t at the station in our house and in my bed. He helps with dinner, cleaning, mowing, and taking out the trash. That’s a major plus because that’s the one thing I hate the most—taking out the trash. It sucks big time!
We even started sharing carpooling duties. More often than not, he picks up Skylar from school, and she even keeps CDs in his truck. It was the sweetest thing, watching the two of them jamming out to Taylor Swift. I’ll never forget the image of my hot-as-hell, badass, muscular, manly man singing along to girly tunes with my youngest daughter at the top of his lungs and dancing.
It’s the cutest thing ever and so sweet.
With Rylee, he doesn’t want to overstep but he’s still very protective of her. For example, any time Dean picks her up for one of their dates, Zane is always there glaring at the poor boy. One time, Zane decided to sharpen his hunting knife collection—which I didn’t even know he had. Another time, he took out one of my guns and started cleaning it in front of the kid, showing him how quick he could assemble and disassemble it, and letting Dean know that he never missed his target. He was trying to intimidate the boy and was being successful. I was worried Rylee would get angry, but she took it in stride.
“It feels good having someone else worryin’ along with you anytime I go out, Momma. If Daddy can’t be here, I’m glad Zane is here for you and for us. Plus, I think it’s kinda funny,” she tells me when I ask if Zane’s behavior upsets her.
Her words make me realize no matter how hard I’ve worked to be both father and mother to my girls, they still miss and need Jake. Zane isn’t their father, but he’s starting to become a father figure to them. At first, I was worried wondering how the girls were going to take it if it didn’t work out with the two of us, but little by little, that worry is disappearing.
After the third time with Dean, I finally ask Zane why he’s so hard on the boy.
“If that boy can’t take what I’m dishin’ out, then he doesn’t deserve Rylee. She needs a man that will stand up for her and keep her safe. A man that will defend her with his life if need be. I don’t want her datin’ a pussy and if this kid can’t handle me, then he needs to stay the fuck away from our girl. I’m not her father, but I’ll take care of her and Skylar as if they are my own. And I’d die for them and for you, Faith.”
What could I say to that?
For this man to claim us and to tell me straight up that he would die for my girls and for me is humbling. Can it be that I’m getting another chance at forever?
“Okay, baby,” is all I reply.
Nothing I say can let him know how much his words mean to me, so the only thing I can do is jump on him and show him how much I appreciate his gestures and words. To show him how much I love his body and how I love the way he makes me feel. With him I feel cherished, protected, and such a strong emotion I don’t want to say it just yet, but I know it is love. I love this man.
The past years, I’ve had to be strong—not only for my family but also for the company that was my husband’s dream. Unfortunately, Jake never got to see his dream become a reputable, respected, and feared organization. He never got the opportunity to work his ass off to make his dream come true—that fell to me.
I had to toughen up and deal with people that could eat me alive. Any weakness would be pounced upon and used against me, especially being a woman in a man’s world. A woman whose only background included being a military child and spouse, mother, student, and athlete. I had no experience, and at first, everyone thought I was a joke, but I showed them and I showed them good. I put aside my career to ensure I was able to realize the legacy Jake had dreamed about beginning. To have a man that is not intimidated by my accomplishments and my job (which he still doesn’t know completely about) and who wants to take care of me and protect me, is a wonderful feeling that I never want to lose.
26 April 2013
Today is an emotional day for all of us.
Five years ago today, I lost the man I professed to love forever and spend the rest of my life with. Today, the girls and I are preparing ourselves to head out to Jake’s grave. Since moving here, every Sunday after church we visit Jake, but today is a special day so we are visiting earlier than usual.
I called the school and let them know Rylee and Skylar wouldn’t be in attendance today because it was their father’s anniversary. Over the years, regardless of what’s going on, we’ve always visited Jake on this day. Thankfully, the schools were understanding; otherwise, there would have been hell to pay.
Today is also Rylee’s senior prom.
Rylee was torn, so we had a long discussion on whether or not she should attend. She was afraid it was disrespectful, but I told her Jake wouldn’t want her to miss out. I explained to her that Jake will always be part of our lives and we will always love him, but our lives go on. We will always honor this day, but we can’t be sad anymore—today is about remembering the great man our Jake was.
When I asked what she really wanted to do, she replied.
“I want to visit my daddy and reminisce the memories I have of us together. I want to share my memories with everyone, but I also want to go to my prom. I feel childish and selfish, but I don’t want to miss out on my last prom.”
“You’re not selfish or childish, Rylee. Every girl dreams of her last prom and you’re gonna go. We’ll visit your daddy and then we’ll get you all prettied up for your dance,” I tell her. “Okay?”
“Yes, Momma,” she replies.
Now, we’re packing all his favorite snacks and drinks. Gunner, my in-laws, my parents, and Jake’s old army buddies (now my co-workers)—everyone able to make the trip is waiting for us at the cemetery. Like every year before, we plan to have a small picnic with Jake. We’ll eat and drink while retelling our stories of him. How he’d make us laugh, how he’d piss us off, and anything else we can remember. Many of our stories have been retold over and over through the years, but we keep retelling them so we don’t forget and so Skylar can remember our memories of the man she never had the opportunity to meet.
As I’m putting everything together, I hear the front door open. It’s strange because the girls are here with me, everyone else is at the cemetery waiting for us, and Zane left a while back for work. I look at the girls, but they refuse to meet my eyes so I know something’s up. I go out to the living room where Zane surprises me.
“What are you doin’ here? I thought you were at work,” I ask him.
“Do you really think I’d want to leave you on your own today?” He asks. “You didn’t ask me and I didn’t want to push, but deep down, I wanted to be with you and the girls. I wasn’t gonna say anything and respect today, but the girls came to me yesterday. They told me that you’d never ask me to go with you because you were afraid it’d make me feel like I was bein’ compared to Jake, but they needed me to be there for them and for you.”
“Um … I just didn’t want you to feel weird or judged by being there. A lot of Jake’s old army buddies are joining us today and they’ve always been protective of us. I didn’t want you to get upset.”
“Baby,” he says, taking my hand and leading me away from the girls, “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about me. I’m gonna be there for you and the girls even if I’m squirmin’ in my pants. A
real man doesn’t give a shit about how he feels as long as he’s there for his woman and his girls. Y’all are mine and I take care of what’s mine. My question is, do you want me there with you?”
I look up at him and I can see a small amount of fear in his eyes. He’s scared that I’m going to refuse him. He’s right though—if he’s going to have any place in our lives, he has to be by our sides. Jake’s friends are going to have to become acquainted with him. If my in-laws think Zane is a good man for me and the girls, then Jake’s buddies are going to have to become used to having him around.
“Yes, honey. I want you there with us. I want you there to hold us because today is an emotional day for us. You know I’ll always love Jake. He was my first love and I thought I would be with him forever. But life had other plans for us. You’re part of my world now, but he’ll always have a place in my heart. Please don’t be upset. I’m gonna need you today.”
“Faith, I’ll never be upset about Jake. I know how much the two of you loved each other. Rylee has made sure I know the story on how y’all met and how you made sure the two of you ended up together. He’s your past and will always be a part of you. I want to be your present and your future, to be with you and with Rylee and Skylar, and to take care of you. I know Jake’s memory will come with you and I accept that. I’ll always be grateful to him because he helped make you into the woman you are today, the woman that I love, and he gave you Rylee and Skylar and in turn, gave them to me. I love y’all more than words can express, love.”
“You love me?” I ask breathlessly. “You really love me?”
“Yes, Faith,” he chuckles. “Out of all that, that’s the only part you got? Of course I love you. Why do you think I didn’t let you go when it would’ve been easier to do so? Why do you think I listen to Taylor Swift with Skylar and why do you think I try my damnest to scare that boy Rylee is seein’ away? I do all that because I love you and I love those girls.”
“Oh my …” I’m speechless for a moment but not for long. “I love you too, you big sweet man,” I say as I jump on him and wrap my legs around his waist. I grab his face and give him a kiss on his lips. He holds me tight for a few seconds before letting me go and helping me down.
“Let’s go get the girls and load everything up,” he tells me and leads me back into the kitchen. That’s when I notice the plastic bag he’s carrying.
“What do you have in the bag, honey?” I ask. “Does it need to go in the fridge?”
“No. This is for Jake. I remember you tellin’ me about the numerous times you had to send some to him when he was away and was unable to get his own.”
He opens the bag and pulls out a can of Copenhagen Wintergreen long cut.
My eyes tear up and I hear sniffles coming from the table. The two of turn and see Rylee wiping her eyes. Skylar is just looking at us.
“You remembered …” Rylee says tearfully. “You got that for my daddy?”
“Yeah, I did,” Zane replies.
Rylee jumps up so fast that we barely see her move. She launches herself at Zane and hugs him like there’s no tomorrow.
“Thank you,” she tells him as she looks up at him through her tears. “Thank you for understandin’ and thank you for not tryin’ to take over and replace him.”
She goes back to hugging him and I just look at Zane through my own tears. He is holding Rylee tight and he mouths to me, “I love you.”
“What about me?” Skylar asks. “I want a hug too and I want you to carry me, Zane. Please carry me out. I’m so tired and my legs hurt.”
She begins to pout. Zane, of course, falls for it and picks up the little peanut. He carries her out to the Jeep, buckles her in, and gives her a kiss on the head. He opens up Rylee’s door so she can jump in and does the same for me. He gets into the Jeep and turns on the ignition.
“Everyone buckled?” He asks. At our nods he backs out of the driveway. “Let’s go spend the day with your father, girls. I want to get to know him through your memories.” He turns to look at me. “Thank you, for lettin’ me be here for you and thank you, girls, for acceptin’ me into the family.”
Zane
I know today is hard for my girls and I’m glad I get to be there for them in case they need me. Many don’t understand why I want to be part of this family, but I know this is where I belong and I honestly don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I’m happy and they’re happy—that’s all that matters.
I know Jake will always be part of us and I’m okay with it because he created this family and he was a good and honorable man. I’m not looking to replace him, I just want to love Faith and the girls. They deserve to be treasured and protected and I’m the man that’s going to do so for the rest of their lives.
Years ago I met a man and I made a promise—I may never understand why I made it, but I’m glad I did because it brought me to them.
Faith
We arrive to the cemetery and unload the Jeep. Zane grabs most of the stuff and follows us to Jake’s grave. As we approach, we see everyone gathered around. I see Gunner, my in-laws, my parents, Julia, and four of Jake’s army buddies—Zeke, Damon, Jax, and Duke. The guys immediately zone in on Zane and their faces go blank.
When we finally reach them, the girls and I hug and kiss everyone in greeting, and then we step back to where Zane was standing. Jacob and Carmen immediately greet him, and so do my parents. My parents flew in from Italy, where my father is stationed, so they’ve never met Zane face-to-face but have spoken with him by phone and Skype. Momma and Daddy are glad they finally get to meet the new man in my life.
Gunner waits until Carmen, Jacob, Momma and Daddy greet Zane before moving forward and giving him one of those man hugs—the ones where you semi-hug and slap each other on the back, followed by one of those intricate handshakes that you learn in boy school. Zeke, Damon, Jax, and Duke, seeing this, are shocked. They know about Gunner’s feelings for me.
“What the hell, man …” I hear Jax say.
“He’s good,” Gunner answers just as I say, “Language!”
All the guys give each other one of those looks that communicates a whole conversation in just seconds. They turn to look at Zane, measuring him up and seeing how close the girls and I are to him. They realize he’s now a part of our group because one by one they each step up to shake his hand. There are no man hugs, but at least it’s a start. After the awkward first meeting, we all relax and start laying everything out.
I head to Jake’s tombstone and place a kiss on it with my hand. I tell him I love him. I’m just turning back to help when I notice an almost-new can of dip. I bend down to pick it up and turn to face everyone. I know I didn’t place it there, and my girls are too young to buy tobacco. We’re the only weekly visitors so I’m baffled on how it got here. I get Gunner’s attention and ask him if he left it, and he tells me no. The guys just arrived from their respective homes out of town, so I know it wasn’t them.
For some reason I turn to Zane and ask. “You?”
“Um, yeah,” he hesitantly replies.
“When? Why?” I ask. I notice that we have everyone’s attention now.
“After I first met you, I asked Jackie everything about you. She told me about Jake and how much you loved him and how you’ve never been with anyone else since him. I was curious about the man that inspired so much devotion, especially after I kissed you at the club,” he tells me. “Before goin’ to your house the next mornin,’ I stopped by here to tell Jake about myself and to basically ask permission to date you, as corny as that sounds. I figured if he disagreed with me, he’d let me know one way or another. Ever since you mentioned his fondness for dip, I’ve made it a point to drop by and leave him a can. I switch them out because every man wants fresh Copenhagen.”
Hearing his explanation, I feel my eyes start to water and my nose starts feeling funny. Rylee is holding onto Skylar and my mother and Carmen have their faces in their husbands’ chests, their bodies shaking.
�
�Oh Zane,” I say, sniffling.
“I’m sorry if it upsets you, baby,” he tells me. “I reckoned he’d appreciate having fresh dip every now and then. I also came to see him before spring break to talk to him about our arrangement and our plans, and I had a beer with him. Like I said, Faith, I want to be part of your life in every possible way. I figured he’d appreciate me comin’ and bein’ upfront with him about my feelings for you. I’ll always respect his memory and I’ll always love you and the girls.”
Well, that did it. My momma and mother-in-law are now bawling and Gunner has both the girls in his arms. The guys are looking at Zane with newfound respect, and I lose it. He just announced to everyone that he loves me and the girls and that he’s taken the time to come see my deceased husband and reassure him that we’d be safe with him.
Who takes the time to do that?
In the midst of tears I think that only a true man would do that. And Zane is that: he’s a man that will always place us first, who will make sure that we’re happy and will move Heaven and Earth to keep us safe.
I sit down next to Jake’s tombstone and I give thanks to God for placing such a wonderful and caring man in my life again. I know somehow Jake had something to do with this. I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Gunner wanted to make Phoenix’s headquarters elsewhere, but for some unknown reason Jake insisted on it being here. There were several arguments between the two and when I asked Jake one time why it had to be here, he told me that he didn’t really know. He just had a feeling that this was the place Phoenix needed to be located because if anything ever happened to him, I would be safe here and this would be a great place to raise Rylee. Now, I wonder—could he have unknowingly placed us here for Zane?
Zane takes me in his arms.
“Don’t cry,” he says. His face showing panic. “Faith, stop this second,” he orders.
Yeah, right. Like I’m going to stop crying just because he tells me to stop. I don’t think so.
“Don’t tell me to stop cryin,’ Zane,” I say, sniffling. “I’ll quit cryin’ when I’m good and ready. You can’t tell me all this and expect me not to cry. To know that you’ll always understand is … I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s wonderful, amazin.’ How did the girls and I get so lucky?”
